I have a great relationship with my SKs. The youngest will slip and call me mommy from time to time. I correct her right away. I'm not their mother and I have no desire to pretend that I am. I aready raised my son,(he graduates from college this May ) no need to have a do over with someone else's kids.

I hate one BM but I do not want her to disappear. No matter how I feel about her, her kids love and that is all that matters. I want her to be the best mom she can be and stay out of my hair.

I started out a long time ago wanting to have a great relationship with my SK's, but it just wasn't in the stars. They were angry their father started dating (he had *only* been divorced for 7 years), and even angrier that it was someone who had kids. They told my DH on more than one occasion that although they didn't live with him, they didn't want him living with us. They wanted him to be alone. But the BM was remarried but I guess that was OK with them.

Many years later, it still isn't working. Once in a while one of them will warm up a little to me, but the other one is staunchly against me.

As far as BM goes... well... I know she had a lot to do with this because she encouraged hating me more than liking me. She would also do whatever it took to drive a wedge between DH and I, and often times she would include the SK's in her attacks. Even though they had been divorced for quite a while before I came along, AND she had remarried, she told the SK's I was interfering in their family (DH didn't have boundaries, he was a BM hostage) and they ate that up.

I'm envious of stepparents who get along with their stepkids.

...I think a lot of women on this site actually do love their step kids...a great deal, otherwise they wouldn't feel so hurt, disappointed, frustrated, taking the time to ask for advice, because if you don't love someone...quite frankly you really don't care enough to get hurt or frustrated....Sometimes what appears to be hate is just love that has been turned inside out....I think what we struggle with is all the issues we have to deal with because we married someone who has had children from another marriage, and depending on how that situation was handled...we unintentionally and many time unknowingly inherit difficult cultures, challenging attitudes, unjustified rejection, apathy, toxic anger, insecurities, broken hearts, shattered dreams confusion of where they fit in loyalty issues, having to choose between their parents, ... the children have been marinated in it, and we are many times the "scapegoat" of these unresolved problems because their parents don't have a clue on how to parent their own children...We sometimes get caught up in all the surface stuff, and find ourselves casualties of someone else's war...A war that started way before we entered the picture...Broken hearts are rampant, jealousies spike, unrealistic expectations of entitlement from over indulged children surround us...consume us...Forcing us to look for resources that are effective to overcome a world of pain and division caused by making the decision to get divorced and everything that it encompasses. For those of us who have been pushed to the brink of disengagement, as I have....I think motive is a defining key. I disengaged to work on my own issues regarding my step kids and their bm. My hope is to see them all get free from these dynamics that seem to be destroying their lives...I love my step kids, but I do not like how they have learned to unsuccessfully process their personal issues, while treating me with contempt, and apathy...the baggage they carry is overwhelming on a good day...I think a lot of times when someone says they hate their step kids...what they are really saying is they hate having to constantly deal with their unresolved problems.

Stepmoms are human, we have our own issues of jealousy, insecurity and all that that comes with the territory of marrying someone who has been married before...Put the two together...and sometimes it is a perfect storm...If something were to happen to my H of 26 years (3 adult skids) and I have 2 bio adult step kids, then we had 2 together who are now 23 an 25...it has been a long journey...but if anything happened to my H I would NEVER marry someone else with children....the return on my investment is just not there at this time...

I think Queen wrote "We are the Champions"....just for us step moms...lol

I USED to love my skids. I used to feel we were our own family when together. Not anymore. They were 8 & 10 when I "got" them. I care for my SS15 because my husband loves him. Sometimes I still feel a twinge of that old affection I felt for him, but mostly it's just "meh" and a shrug.

SD17, is gone from my life, and I'm so very happy she is. But she's BPD and WE ALL were glad to see the back of her. I once adored her, even said she was the daughter I always wanted. But that was impossible, she is someone else's daughter and that "someone else" is who she ultimately chose to emulate.

I do not blame their mother -directly- for any of it. She's truly a horrid creature, but the kids made their own choices as they grew older. BM influenced SD, but stepdaughter chose her behaviour. SS is still okay, he knows his mom is a nutter - I think he'll always be in our lives and welcomed.

(Possibly most importantly, now he asks his mom if he wants to do something with us on her time. We never ever get involved with her. If she wants to say no, she'll have to say it to him. The beauty of that is that he sees her more truthfully, and we never have to bother with her. Lots of wins for us lol!)

I look at my skids the way I look at my younger siblings. I do love them and consider them family. I would do anything for them that they needed, but I do not love them the same exact way as my own children.

I originally found this site looking for advice on how to deal with a high conflict BM. A lot of my feelings about being a step parent were validated and I read/learned some great advice. I think a lot of people on here do love their step kids, but we are so used to tip toing around everyone's feelings it's nice to come on here and post a blog called "my skid is a pain the you know what today" rather than "I know he's my ss and I should love him like my own but today I'm struggling because his daddddeeeeyyyyy won't put him in time out"

I love my SS. He, along with my 2 BD's, is my heart and sole. I am here because BM is a loser. But you will never see my blog anything negative about my SS. He is a great kid, with a great heart. We have a strong relationship.

I love SD7. She's a sweetheart honestly her heart is pure gold.

Her mom on the other hand, is satan.

Huh. I've often felt the opposite - that it seems like virtually everyone here has problems with BM and not so much the skids. I don't usually have any particular problem with BM. I often don't understand her, but I don't hate her. It's the skids who make me nuts! (To be fair, my youngest SD is a sweetheart. It's the older 2 - both in their 20's now - who make me crazy.)

I think a lot of it has to do with the age the skid was when you came into their lives. If they were toddlers or infants much more likely to bond.

I care for my SS, but don't really love him.

And, I always want the BM to disappear.