Am I the bad SM?
My new husband and I dated for 2 years before we recently (7 weeks) married. For 3 years, my DH and BM of my 2 SK had a schedule of who had kids. They have joint custody, but he works swing shift and has them evry day he is off. (about 12 days/month). I have 2 kids also.
Now that we are married, my SK's BM trues to use me as a babysitter. She lied at the child support meeting that he only has them 8 days, and that she pays an outrageous amount of childcare (which she does not- they are both in school and she is off some during the week, or we have them). His child support is tripe what it should be but he didn't want to fight...
NOW she has approached me about keeping my SK's when their dad is working- and some of this time their mom is off! Yes, I work full time. I am upset, and even more upset that becasue I do not want to do that, my DH thinks I do not love his kids. It is killing me that she is trying this- she is getting married and wants more time with her new DH. Help ?!?!?!?
Tell your DH calmly and
Tell your DH calmly and without passion that you do not want to do that. Tell him you are not comfortable with that arrangement and that it doesn't mean you don't love you skids but that you respect your own limits and boundries and that this would cross them. Tell him that you are always willing to compromise but this is not going to work for you and they should come up with a better plan. If he respects you and your marriage he will accept that and he himself will tell BM that that arrangement will not work. Yes he should protect and look out for his children, but he should also protect and look out for you, his wife.
I can understand both sides,
I can understand why you don't want to be used and I can understand DH wanting the kids to be at home with either him or his wife rather than with their BM who obviously doesn't want them.
What I can't understand is where BM's priorities are? She is wanting to spend time with her new DH over taking care of her children?
Is it an option for you and DH to retain custody?
I suggested that...
that we tell her if they are such an inconvenience to her and her new hubby, who has no kids, we will keep them, she can get them every other weekend. She can pay him CS (BM makes more than DH), I can hire someone to help after school when both of us are working then with CS. He went off, almost protecting BM, saying that is not what she meant, blah, blah blah.
Sunset
He sounds like my STBH. What they don't understand is that you work full time too. In my situation he expects me to do what their momma won't do and I refuse. I have no kids and we can't have any together because he has had a vasectomy. So don't get mad at me when I say that my weekends are my weekends. You expect for me to keep them while you go out hunting deer. They are not here to spend time with me they are here to spend time with their daddy. I am not your live in babysitter and i refuse to be used as such by you, BB, or anybody else.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Been there
I had the step kids home with me for half the summer while I was home on maternity leave recooping from a c section. 6 weeks. I had to take my last week of vacation because when my leave ran short of when school started. ( baby was 3 1/2 weeks early) Dh told BM that it would be nice if she thanked me since I saved her lots of $$$ & gave the boys the kind of summer vacation we all had when we were kids...her response to him, She would consider it.
Between that & comparing me to her BF (that lives 1 1/2 hrs away who sees them 4 days a month & a few hrs on sundays that we have them after they are dropped off ) saying he & I are the same. She totally lost me there.
The kids have conference tomorrow & DH mad her ask me if I could watch them as it is during her custody time not his & tonight DH has a happy hour after work for his team. DH rarely does anything for himself so this is a good thing, however since he is not going to be home & I have to pick up our baby ( Dh picks up I drop off) from daycare the boys are staying at y care till their mom gets them. I decided that I was not gonna run around & then make sure their homework was done all so she could sign off like she did it & then take them to religion class. Let her do the work.
I feel bad, but the kids don't mind ycare after school because their buddies are there. She hurt me deeply, plus she had made a huge deal when DH & I went to 2nd grade orientation because she couldn't about me being there & that I could not be at conferences. First off I have a baby that I am away from 91/2 hrs & he goes to bed around 6:30, second she had pointed out to DH that he wouldn't want her BF there. Like I said he is 1 1/2 hrs away & has his own kids visitation & conferences ect... I do homework with them ( DH & I ) we pick them up from school. I always tell DH when her BF starts doing all that & paying for braces then he is my equal. Till then bite me. I am not a nanny!!
i suppose
you could always charge her the going rate for child care. i suspect she would change her mind if she realized you weren't a free babysitter.
What if
he wasn't remarried what would they do then? Pay someone. So she should pay you-you obviously love those kids but I tried that a few times and it will become routine and more frequent until you have no free time at all.....
Don't give in....
You are right, the kids are supposed to be spending time with their father when it is HIS time with them. Time with you is an added bonus. YOu absolutely should NOT give in to these demands if they conflict with your own schedule. If DH does not agree with you, and sides with BM, you have bigger problems than this. You need, and deserve, his respect. Demand it. Sorry if this seems harsh, but I have read a lot of posts today concerning SMs being taken advantage of by DH and BM. That is NOT what we are here for. If we accept every short stick they give us, they will never appreciate what we do for THEIR kids. That's right, THEIR kids.
Best of luck!