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Am I being selfish?

NakedBee00's picture

DH and I have separate bank accounts except for a joint account for "household expenses". We each put equal amount of money in it each month to cover our joint bills(Mortgage, taxes, electric, cable....)

When we married years ago I had much more Financial stability. DH had a HUGE over 75k divorce attorney bill PLUS gave Bio hag EVERYTHING(house,ALL bank accounts, furniture, cars...) DH basically just took his clothes and left. Yes VERY dumb on his part but what is done is done. 
Due to DH poor financial judgement when it comes to bio hag and step brat I wanted to protect my HARD earned money. 
We just sold and purchased a new home. My sister felt rather than take out a Mortgage for 100k I should just put in 100k so we don't have to pay the high Interest rates. Under normal circumstances this would have been the smart thing to do since I have the money BUT I disagreed with her. Why? Again it comes down to DH poor financial judgement regarding SS15 brat. DH Literally drove himself into the poor house giving money or buying things for ungrateful SS15. Anytime DH gets extra money SS15 is right there holding his dirty hand out and of course DH can't say no.
So basically I refuse to hand over 100k so we don't have a Mortgage so DH has more money to hand over to SS15 brat. So basically the only way I can keep DH from handing over money to SS15 brat is to keep extra money out of DH hands. Am I selfish for doing this??

la_dulce_vida's picture

If that 100K is your money, NO, it's not selfish. You MUST protect your financial future because there's a good chance you'll outlive your DH. You can't have him squandering your wealth so that there's nothing left when he's gone.

CajunMom's picture

being selfish. You are being SMART. The past is always used as reference...your DH's past is messy and it's still messy with his kid. Protect yourself at all costs. You are only technically paying half of the interest on the loan...other half is for your DH....that's a small price to pay for financial security.

CLove's picture

When Husband obtains extra money windfalls, like he sells something, he will hand over money to SD17 Powersulk so she can "have some joy in life". or Sd24almost25 Feral Forger will need rescue money and find the sweet spot of what hes willing to fork over so he looks like a "good dad".

Selfish? Nope. Smart? YES.

In fact every dime he gives SS15 he should deposit equal into joint account.

Cover1W's picture

Keep it!  It's yours - housing comes and goes, you have a good stockpile for an emergency or retirement, don't lose it. 

My DH was the same when I met him, lost everything in the divorce - everything exept his clothes and and a very few kitchen items, in debt, struggles with his job but he was working to get out of it and he did it!  Now he's working on cutting out expenses he doesn't need any longer and I'm on him about cancelling most of his credit card accounts he doesn't need since he's no longer bouncing debt from one to the other.  He also is not paying as much to the SDs at all, and YSD never asks him for one cent. 

I've always kept my funds separate, and really felt this early on when he was taking advantage of my good employment to "take a break from work" for a summer then drug his feet finding something. All without discussing it with me first - no combined accounts after that stunt for sure, and for his using the joint account debit card for his own personal expenses because he ran out of $?  NOPE, confiscated. I still am the primary funds accountant for the house and am 100% ok with that. He doesn't ask me for money any longer and we split joint things like trips easily. It's do able if there is good communication around it.

hereiam's picture

I would think about putting up the money, so no mortgage or interest, BUT DH puts what would have been his share of the mortgage into your account. He can pay back half of that 100K, one way or another.

Of course, that will only work if he will actually do it.

BethAnne's picture

Not selfish. You want to keep things even. Some people just cannot understand having separate finances from their spouses and how that works. They still think of the separate money as marital money and can't understsand why it isn't. 

The mortgage rates may be high now, but they will come down and you can refinance then if it makes sense. Investing your 100k somewhere else will probably match or better any interest you pay on the house. It will also let you have the flexibility to access those funds if you need them. 

I agree with hereiam above in a way. Even if you did put in the 100k, your husband should still pay for his "half" of the house by contributing half a "mortgage payment" each month to you...unless the property would be put in your name alone, but then he should be paying you some sort of rent (even if it is a reduced amount). 

Sticking with equal down payment amounts and a joint mortgage seems logistically simpler and it is much easier to have the bank be the one demanding a payment each month than you asking for it. 

Rags's picture

Protecting yourself and your financial interests from a proven judgement void partner is not selfish in the least.

If I were you, I would make him pay the whole monthly mortgage plus half of all other marriage related expenses in addition to his 15yo daughter catering bullshit and any CS or other COd Skid related costs.

I have no issue with paying all expenses in a true equity life partnership. But when a partner is a money moron and a Skid and XSpouse butt sniffing dipshit... nope.

Harry's picture

His share of the household expenses l. Hope you he DH sing something that this house is not community property in a case of you divorce your DH.  Pre nuptial of some type.  I would have real thought of this marriage going south.  Him giving his kids everything off his back as you support him.  Only goes for so long.  
'THAT you are supporting the EX and SK.   You can't afford to go on vacation because SK needs a new big cat to drive BM to court.

Are you being jealous,  YES. there is nothing wrong with being jealous if it actually has merit.  That the Ex was treated better then you. They are supposed to love you more so you should be treated better then the EX.  and don't believe the could only do so much story.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You're being REALISTIC, and playing the cards as they lay. Kudos to you.

Far too many SPs exist on the opposite end of the spectrum and are too self-sacrificing. I certainly was.

However you should recognize that your H's habit of overspending on his daughter won't magically go away once she's eighteen. To the contrary, the demands for $$$ only get bigger - car, college, wedding etc. He acts like a wallet, so he'll likely be treated as one indefinitely. You need to have a long term plan for dealing with that.

 

NotMeAnymore's picture

Not selfish at all, just looking out for yourself. When there are SKids in the mix BPs loose site and all becomes jumbled and foggy. Better avoid problems. If a skid is sick or needs a school book, why not, help your DH/SO. But all this 100k money in a joint account will be blown away with SKids batting their baby eyes to BP for cars, gaming consoles and lots of expense sh$%...