Am I better off being a single mother?? Do things ever get better for anyone?
When is it time to say ENOUGH! Are things ever going to get better??! Is it worth dealing with??
Iam 22.. BF is 30, SD9. At first she was never around... SD would stay at her aunts house and would get picked by BF after his shift,sometimes she would just spend the night over there.. As time went on SD started to stay more and more time with us. Eventually it got to the point where I am her full care taker.. At month 6 of my pregnancy she began to get jealous. She made my pregnancy miserable.. I couldnt go buy the baby anything because she would get upset and ruin the entire shopping trip. I couldnt get any cravings because she would have them too. DH would come home from work and talk to the baby and she would go "hmm hmm" so he could go over to talk to her. I would leave DH little notes before he went to work and she would go write a bigger one and put it over mine. On the night I started my contractions she faked a stomachache and headache and would tell her "darry" that he couldnt go to the hospital with me because she was sick... I had to get a C section and was in a lot of pain, obviously DH helped me out so much, then SD fell and scraped her knee therefore she couldnt walk and needed assistance as well... I can go on and on and on.... My baby is now 5 months old and this behavior hasnt stopped... DH never likes talking about this and I dont know why! But eventhough he doesnt I still manage to bring it up (usually after a glass of wine) but everything is the same nothing changes. It has gotten to the point where it seems like a competition over her dad. The part that bothers me the most is that I now watch her EVERYDAY.. I clean up after her I make her lunch dinner.. I make DH dinner.. I make myself dinner... and have a newborn to take care of. It has got to the point where I cant handle the stress anymore!! She throws all her trash behind the couch, she still wets the bed, she has to be told repeated times to take a shower, she eats SOOO much but wont eat what I make, she uses so many cups in one day, and I guess all kids are this way im assuming? Which I try not to mind because she is still a kid but I can't help it. DH is gone from 10am to 8pm 5 days a week so I am the one who is spending the most time with her and pretty much raising her. Now the REAL dilemna is this.... for spring break I knew I wasnt going to be able to handle the stress so I asked him if she could go stay with her aunt for a few days... he said no .. well he actually didnt say no he just stayed quiet and then shook his head no.. I didnt say anything else. This is where I feel like I am going to blow.. What can I possibly do?????!!!! WHat can I say ?? Am I wrong to not want to watch over her all day? Is this fair?? OR the question I ask myself everyday.... Am I being taken advantage of??? I envision my life as a single mom and it seems SO much easier! HOwever it breaks my heart that my son wont have his dad around. Then again is this a valid reason to leave the one you love for? I know it sounds terrible but its the way I feel... I cant keep pretending that I am fine and happy when I am not. thoughts pleaseee!!!!!!!!!!!
I completely forgot to
I completely forgot to mention the situation of BM.. She is currently not in the U.S she comes for a few months then leaves.. DH says she is no good and cant be trusted with his daughter.. BM has another daughter from a different man and leaves that daughter with the dad as well. She is irresponsible and a sad excuse for a mother... and is now currently expecting again.. from a different man.. She claims to love her daughter and keeps telling SD that she will come pick her up but always postpones the date she is coming... I say shes full of it, and with another baby on the way I truly dont think it will change her ways... she is due to come in July but you never really know with her. Its sad really.
I can see why your DH doesn't
I can see why your DH doesn't want to talk about it. He knows his kid is trying to act like his wife! Really you and DH need to be straight with her and tell her that you're the mom and wife. Your DH has to stop letting her get away with this crap.
You are so right! Im just
You are so right! Im just assuming he feels bad telling her to back off. He is too nice most times and it drives me insane!
Be blunt with him. Tell him
Be blunt with him. Tell him how much it creeps you out. If he ignores you then tell him you understand why he is doing that, he is afraid to admit his daughter wants to be the mini wife. This is all it took for me to get through to my DH when SD first started showing signs of this. When he realized that I thought it was down right SICK the way she would act and even more sick that he would allow it things changed quick. I was almost at the point where I was bullying my own husband about this. I don't care if I did; it put a stop to it!
Find a good marriage
Find a good marriage counselor. Ask him to go with you but go alone if he won't. Tell him you're considering leaving, after all you are, and if he wants to be part of the conversation he had better join the sessions.
After 1 month you should see a practical solution. If not get another counselor and start over. After 2 months you should be ready to be let go on your own with a solution well under way. Yes the solution might be to leave but it might not. That's one of the questions you put to the counselor.
Didn't you see this before getting pregnant?
A marriage counselor is a
A marriage counselor is a good idea.. Im going to look into that... and no I didnt.. my pregnancy wasnt planned but at first I kind of loved the idea of having someone that can look up to me.. until the jealousy started. Now I feel resentment for all those crummy moments I had during my first regnancy...and anger that I cant hug DH whenever I want or kiss him whenever I want without feeling so uncomfortable.
I cant hug DH whenever I want
I cant hug DH whenever I want or kiss him whenever I want without feeling so uncomfortable.
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:jawdrop: IT doesn't matter if you feel uncomforatble you still need to do it. In fact it might help your SD to see it.
YOur right and I know that ..
YOur right and I know that .. but she stares .. he notices... I don't want him to think that I am doing it on purpose. When we do kiss she always has to interrupt and say darry this or that. He says nothing..
WHen you put it that way .. I
WHen you put it that way .. I do see it. I just don't know it is so hard for me to do confront him and tell him about it because every time I bring it up he gets so incredibly awkward.. kind of telling me to be quiet about that already .. in a way.
Lately I have mentioned to him MULTIPLE times that my hair is falling out A LOT and I'm not making as much breast milk, my doctor said it is because of stress levels. I would think he would bring this up on his own but he doesn't.
I also get a little embarrassed with my family that I am always bringing her a long and I absolutely HATE HATE HATE having to introduce her to people that haven't seen me in a while because I feel like they give me some kind of sad look.
I guess I just feel that if I tell him that I no longer want to take care of his daughter things will change with him and he wont be the same towards me.. I guess that is my biggest fear.
Are you the type of person
Are you the type of person who likes to phrase things in a way that doesn't hurt people's feelings? Your DH may not realize there is a direct correlation between your hair falling out, and not being able to produce milk and his daughter's behavior. You may need to spell it out for him if you haven't already.
If he chooses to ignore that his kid is affecting your health, and being able to feed your baby correctly, then you may be better off as a single mom. You are asking for a break from time to time from his little maniac. That's not asking much. Having her stay with the family member during Spring Break is completely reasonable. Is bypassing him, and you asking the aunt directly to take her for a few days an option?
I am that type of person I
I am that type of person I guess.. But I make it REAL obvious.. to me anyway. Hes no idiot Im sure he gets it! That's the nicest way I can say it though.. and I guess im going to have to be blunt and explain it black and white.
ABout his aunt, I remember him mentioning a while back when SD stopped going over to her house was because she didn't want to watch her anymore and she would make excuses not to watch her.. now if this is true I don't really know but that is what he said. I could surpass him but it would be real weird because I barely speak to her.
You're going to have to be
You're going to have to be really firm with this guy. You're not married yet, which is a good thing. Saves you the trouble of divorce, if it comes to that.
He's going to continue to ignore the problem and foist his responsibilities off on you as long as you let him. He's NOT going to face this issue until you MAKE him face it.
Counseling is a good idea, but you're going to have to deal with this man in a very direct manner. This child is NOT your responsibility. I'm sorry her mom is a piece of crap that can't be counted on, but again, that is NOT your problem. Don't make it your problem, either.
The longer things go on this way, the harder it's going to be to change anything. His attitude is going to be, "Well, you've taken care of her for this long, so what's your problem now?"
He needs to make alternate arrangements for this kid while he's at work, just like any parent would. You are NOT his free babysitter, nanny, and maid, and from the way it looks, that's how he sees you. I hate to say it, but that's how it looks.
Yes, being a single mom IS easier than doing what you're doing. I was a single mom to two kids before DH and I got married, and that life was a LOT easier and MUCH less stressful than the situation I'm in now. I'm not leaving, but I have disengaged from my three stepsons. They're too rude, messy, needy, and bratty for me to put up with, so I've checked out. Whatever they need, DH can take care of, with BM's help if she's available. I don't babysit unless it's just one of them, and even then I'll only do it occasionally, for VERY short periods of time (like an hour or less).
I don't pick up after them, I don't clean up everything for them, I don't change sheets when they wet the bed (which they all three still do occasionally), I don't do ANYTHING for them. DH knows he's responsible for them, and that's that. If he needs after-school care, HE can work that out. I work all day and am NOT responsible for their well-being. I do that for my own kids, and that's more than enough for me to take care of.
You worry about yourself and your child, and let HIM deal with his own kid.
I'd set a deadline: Tell him he has, say, 30 days to find a babysitter or after-school care for this kid, and if he can't or won't, then you're gone. Let him know that you won't put up with it any longer than that. A month is plenty of time to find suitable care for this child.
But if he continues to ignore the problems, just hoping they'll go away on their own, your life is going to be a LIVING HELL for the next decade, if not longer.
Long story short, you have to put your foot down and basically give him an ultimatum. I don't think anything else will get through to this guy.
Thank you for your comment!
Thank you for your comment! You said that he wont face the problem until I make him face it... and you couldn't be more right! Do you think that maybe he will change towards me if I do tell him? WIll he still be caring and loving towards me? Maybe he will grow some kind of resentment towards me for not accepting his daughter?? I think the reason why I haven't told him is because I am scared that part of the reason he is with me is 1,of course our child and 2, because I take care of his daughter. If I say I no longer want to do that for him.. maybe he wont be the same towards me .. or are my thoughts just completely out of line???
"If I say I no longer want to
"If I say I no longer want to do that for him.. maybe he wont be the same towards me .. or are my thoughts just completely out of line???"
Well... yeah. He might indeed change towards you. But, the thing is, WHY would you want to be with a man who doesn't value your happiness? Why do you WANT a relationship with a guy when whether or not he loves you is conditional on what services you can provide him??? Yes, you might lose him. But if he'd really break up with you because you're not going to be his free nanny anymore, then it wasn't a real relationship to begin with.
At the age of 9 the SD is
At the age of 9 the SD is able to understand what she is doing. You and your baby daddy need to sit down with the little girl and have a serious talk about how her behavior is not acceptable. You and your BF need to appear to be a united front when speaking and punishing the SD9. I would sit her down and tell her that her that her behavior is not accepted and punishment will happen each time she chooses to act this way. If your BF is not on board with this type of solution you might question if you should continue on with the relationship. The 9 year old is the child, and you are the parents. She needs to be put in her place...
Agreed.. but it always seems
Agreed.. but it always seems he does the talking when it comes to that . Just him and her.. I need to see that we change that the next time the opportunity comes up.
Sigh .. What am I getting...
Sigh .. What am I getting... hmm.. well from 9pm to 11pm I get some time alone with him.. On Tuesdays we get to go grocery shopping while she is at school so I get some time to relax and not be tense about her watching my every move. (our every move) Also on Saturdays we ALL go somewhere which I dread .. I would rather stay home alone with my baby than go to Universal Studios as a family .
I guess on Tuesday morning he tries to take me somewhere.. to lunch or shopping for things I need. He tells me he loves me every day .. but sometimes I feel like of course you love me I'm 22, I do all the house work plus take care of your daughter so yeah you Im sure you love me. AHh and I feel bad thinking that way but it is what it is.
Im from AZ so my friends and
Im from AZ so my friends and family are out there .. I was about to move back but then I got pregnant. Being a stay at home mom doesn't make me too many friend either lol
Lol really? And nope Glendale
Lol really? And nope Glendale
I wish it came that easy to
I wish it came that easy to me haha
I wish it came that easy to
I wish it came that easy to me haha
Damn girl! I'm sorry, if my
Damn girl!
I'm sorry, if my milk was not coming in and my hair was falling out....I would tell him to fuck off so hard his great grandparents would roll over in their graves (God bless their souls.).
Grab your ovaries and put your big girl panties on! You tell him your health and your child's health is a thousand times more important than that little brats feeeeewings! He needs to put her in daycare and just fuck off. You need to take care of YOUR infant since he apparently can't.
Get MAD, get ANGRY, because you SHOULD BE!!!!!!