Am I overreacting?
My fiancés 10 year old throws a fit whenever it's his weekend to come over. His father and I have been living together for 3 years, engaged for 1. His mother has told him that I am evil, stole his father and that his father cares more about me than him. While his dad has explained the situation and assured him that he loves him very much and the divorce has nothing to do with him, he still places blame. While I know this is normal reactions from a child his age, my question is, how much should dad be letting him get away with?
Dad bought him a phone because mom will not answer the house or cell. Son refuses to talk to dad or text back unless he wants dad to buy something for him. An entire week will go by that he will text his son 5 or 6 times a day and call at least 3 times and all of these go unanswered. His son refuses to acknowledge I have a name, instead referring to me as "her" and "she". When his visitation weekend comes around, the son states, "I'm not going there with her, you screwed up and left and you made a bad choice." Then he proceeds to get out of the car and walk back in the house. My fiancé allows this behavior and makes the three hour drive back home without saying anything to his son.
On the extremely rare occasion that he will agree to come down, he sleeps in the bed with his dad and I sleep on the couch. I just can't shake the feeling that a 10 year old boy shouldn't be sleeping with his parents. He ignores me completely and stays attached to fathers hip whispering things like "is SHE going to grandpas with us? I don't want HER going." He seriously emphasizes the word. I know he's doing it to pretend my relationship with his father doesn't exist. My fiancé simply says either yes, or no, and says nothing about the disrespecting behavior.
Am I being too judgmental or is he giving this kid way too much authority?
Sounds like kid has some
Sounds like kid has some anger resentment and is very likely having it made much worse by a BM who is certainly feeding it. Look up PAS (parental alienation syndrome).
Not to judge or be critical , but were you TOW (the other woman) and play any part whatsoever in whatever happened to breakup your SO and BM?
Agree with sanecatlady and
Agree with sanecatlady and monkeyskids. Dad needs to be correcting this, not allowing it, and totally on top of it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Dad is going to get the memo. From what we've seen here, total PAS may be on your horizon.
As for you, sometimes you can have success by asking your dh to meet YOUR needs rather than telling him how to parent. Cuz they never wanna hear that. So you can say "I feel very hurt being treated like (name the incident) in my own home." Rather than, "You shouldn't allow him to do xyz."
Acting like a real parent may help the situation. I doubt if on ST we have ever seen a situation like this where handing the kid all that control did not result in total alienation at some point. IMHO it is because the doormat parent is teaching the child it's ok to think of him with contempt. So, with a lot of help from mom, too, the child ends up with nothing but contempt for him once the naturally clingy, cuddly stage ends. Which is coming up soon with a 10 year old. Sorry.
Oof, BM sounds like a real
Oof, BM sounds like a real peach. BMs like her are the cream of the crop. Prepare for difficult times.
I fail to see where you're "overreacting". For seeing things for what they are?
I am sorry Hon, but either
I am sorry Hon, but either your SO steps up and shows his son you are first in his life, no more you on the coach and SS in bed with Daddy..... SS has to accept it if he does not want to there's 2 options...
he does not visit, he does not sleep over, SO can see him in the park on afternoons.....
option 2 - end this relationship, it does not seem like it bothers your SO, you are second and only there for his pleasure when his son is not, do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? You deserve much more, you deserve a man that treats you like a woman and not send you off to the coach if his special snow flake demands it