Another "disengage" post with a different perspective?
Forums:
Does anyone live with their DH and bio kids, and have SK visit and does your DH disengage from your kids even though they live in the home full time?
I'm trying to put myself in DH's shoes and was wondering WHAT I would do or how I would deal if DH came to me and announced he couldn't deal anymore and wanted to disengage from my bio kids who live with us full time (dad is deceased).
Thoughts?
just so I'm clear do you mean
just so I'm clear do you mean on weekends your sks are there you and DH tend to your own kids and disengage from each others? That is the situation I suggested to DH for when his DD visits and he isn't on board, he thinks that is drawing a line in the sand of 'his' and 'mine'. I'M just looking for something different to happen since I hate the weekends SD comes to visit and like you, it's all to do with DH's behaviour changes when she's here and only a bit to do with actual SD and HER behaviours etc.
IMO, i think it comes more
IMO, i think it comes more naturally for stepdads to disengage and move on w/o holding onto hurt feelings and resentment like we SM's do. i'm sure you would be very hurt if your DH came to you and was like "i cannot stand your kids. i'm done dealing with them, whatever...."
i've never had it happen to me as I am childless. but i've witnessed enuf of my friends and family in that type of situation and that was how all the stepdads handled it.
Yup, no question about it I
Yup, no question about it I would be devastated. WHICH is why I'm trying to handle my disengagement from HIS DD gently and fairly with everyone in mind and not just my own wants/needs.
My DH is very good with my kids. Its a relationship that has had to grow over the years but he is loving and treats them well. I know they push his buttons and push limits with him and DH gets frustrated and sometimes I think he takes it more personally like they're pushing buttons BECAUSE he isn't their bio dad whereas I think they're doing it simply to do it, they do it to me, its part of the age its part of the growing period we just need to stay a team and handle it together.
But it did occur to me what would I do if DH wanted to have nothing to do with my kids and they're with us ALL the time? I really don't think I could stay in the marriage. I just wondered how anyone handles it as I am the ONLY person I know in my circle of friends who is a SM and deals with these issues so I have NO ONE in real life to hash it out with. They would simply think I'm just heartless now lol
"i cannot stand your kids.
"i cannot stand your kids. i'm done dealing with them, whatever...."
While I am sure that sentiment resonates true with most of us on this site, I don't think that is the primary reason we disengage. I am partially disengaged because I decided that there are some battles that is not worth dying on the hill for. In my case it is bedtimes. Bedtimes is 9:00pm. Not 10:00, not 9:15, not 9:05. NINE O'CLOCK, but SS has come up with every single excuse in the book (and has even invented some new ones) to stay up past his bedtimes. It used to drive me freakin' batty. It got to the point where I felt my evenings were ruined. I used to blog about it constantly. Then one day I realized that no matter what I do to "correct" this situation, I'll always end up being the bad guy since I am the only one in the houselhold who is upholding the rule.
So really, it is not because I cannot stand my SS. I just cannot stand that he gets to shirk the bedtime rule each and every night with absolutely zero consequences. So now days, at exactly 9pm, I disengage. It's great I tell you. I just pretend that SS is not there.
I guess for me, it came out
I guess for me, it came out more like "this isn't working and I need to step back from M______ because she doesn't want my inclusion and I don't want to give it anymore". DH noticed I wasn't making plans for SD anymore, wasn't cooking her favourites, wasn't doing the stuff I "normally" did for her and after a few tear filled discussions and a few heated arguments he knew why but still asked me why. I wanted to give him an honest answer. I guess I have a really understanding DH LOL But I don't ignore SD I just don't do all the stuff I used to for her anymore. I don't try to include her in everything I do for my kids "just because its fair". Now, instead, I explain to her why the other kids do/get stuff that she doesn't and the answer is a simple "they live here." I think for me it would have been impossible to evade or flat out lie to DH about the reason I didn't bend over backward for SD anymore when I used to all the time. He wanted to know what had changed and it took a blunt answer to wake him up to see he needs to be more involved and that we weren't the cookie cutter happy blended family he hoped we'd be. That's not to say this is my final decision, but definitely for now, its working better than what we had before. If SD has a change of heart I will too. But for now the whole "I'll treat you the same as you treat me" is working better.
I think this is the same
I think this is the same issue a lot of SMs face .. how can we be expected to love kids that aren't ours just because we love their parent?
I'm not faulting you at all
I'm not faulting you at all .. I think if I were in your situation I'd probably feel very much the same way. I don't have bios of my own, but I think I'd want my spouse to embrace them and build relationships with them if I did.
I know people disengage for good reasons .. but I've never really understood how people can live like that and be happy. Seems like they're just coping with a crappy situation by not dealing with it .. and that doesn't fit the idea of the home I'd want to raise my kids in.
Call me naive, but those are my delusions to hold onto
My ideal also doesn't really consider lazy non-parenting dads, which I feel like are the cause for 99% of disengagements .. and honestly, not sure how I'd be happy married to a man without the spine required to raise good kids.
Aww .. I'm sorry Open a nice
Aww .. I'm sorry
Open a nice bottle of red and take some time to yourself!
*hugs*
I feel the same way. When DH
I feel the same way. When DH & I first got together and involved the kids (6 mths after dating) I went all out to make sure the kids all felt like friends, felt loved and included, felt like things/life were FAIR and it took a few years for me to accept it wasn't working and it was because it just wasn't SD's style. She isn't a cuddly, huggy person but my kids are, and I am. So I stopped hugging her. Not because I disliked her, but because I felt like I was putting something on her she didn't want. It's been a progression like that over the last couple years... Also, DH's ex (SD's mom) makes it near impossible to have any kind of relationship with SD. She fills SD's head with crap and is trying to alienate and isolate SD from her dad even. It burns her ass bad that I do stuff with HER daughter and FOR HER daughter etc. She wishes we'd just go away and send the money everything month and leave them alone.
I was very naïve for thinking we could all be one big happy even given the circumstances but that clearly will NEVER be. So as a result things are very awkward and stressed with SD since she acts just.like.her.mother. It's very hard to draw the line and remember clearly that she IS a child and she ISN'T her mother when she does/talks and behanves just like the woman and not in flattering ways and knowing that her head is filled with all of her mother's opinions on stuff. Wah wah wah LOL
That's what I was getting at
That's what I was getting at and wondered if it was my view (jaded because its my specific situation) or if DH would have viable cause/reason to pull back like a tit for tat. Just throwing it out there.
I feel like DH has a big advantage that while I came "a package deal" with kids, I didn't come with the baggage of an ex (amicable or otherwise) and his ex is most definitely NOT amicable. lol
Like you, I would be very upset if DH didn't interact with my kids and basically ignored them just because and not because there was a reason like a breakdown or something. But just no interaction
This is just beginning to
This is just beginning to dawn on me in my own life and new marriage!!! Wow, I really could have written this...
I truly hope it gets better...for us BOTH!!!
I like to think that DH
I like to think that DH wouldn't feel like he had a reason to disengage. DD has been in his life since she was 2. I allow him to parent her and demand she respect him and treat him just as she would me or her father. The lack of him doing those same things is what ultimately led to me disengaging from SD.
I whole-heartedly believe
I whole-heartedly believe that disengaging is a parent issue, NOT a skid or BM issue.
If parents PARENTED their kids and set boundaries with their BMs, us stepmoms would probably have little reason to feel the need to disengage.
A very good point. It was
A very good point. It was during a fight that DH accused me of singling out SD and treating her differently that I blasted him with the knowledge that my problem wasn't with SD persay as it was with HIM when SD was around us. HE turned into a different parent. one that sugar coated what SD did, but micro managed what MY kids did and as a result that frustration transferred resentment onto SD when she visited.
That's not to say SD doesn't do stuff that I find inappropriate. I don't agree with her attitude and behaviours and she doesn't regard me as someone she needs to bother with respecting so that is my beef with her one-on-one however I have no problem putting her in her place when DH & I are ON THE SAME PAGE lol but he will get glossy eyed and "not see" what's going on when it can be clear as day for me. Does that make sense?
I agree. It's MUCH more to do with a parent issue and less to do with SD. At least in my situation.
I think the more that I
I think the more that I inserted myself into SD's life with us every weekend, the more she resented me. She had a PJ day at school on day that DH picked her up. I made sure to wash the PJs as I assumed they were a favorite pair. When I handed them to her to pack she said, "BM told me I could leave them here." For me that was the end of it. SD is snotty to me even when I've gone out of my way to do something nice for her. I'll never be able to completely disengage, because my DH is unable/unwilling to set limits. For example, DS and SD are both attending my church's VBS this week. They have to be there at 8:15 each morning, so we agreed that they need to be in bed by 9. I was at church late finalizing things on Sunday and left him in "charge". DS was watching TV and SD was still in the bath when I got home at 10!! Monday and Tuesday (with me in charge) both kids were in bed at 9....however SD "needed" to watch a movie so she could fall asleep. He was setting up the movie when I said that it wouldn't be the best idea as that would keep DS up. He "relented" by telling SD if she was still up after DS was asleep she could watch her movie then. *sigh* For me, disengaging means allowing SD to rule the house and that's not fair to my DS (and any other future kids DH and I might have).
U.G.H. I would have unleashed
U.G.H. I would have unleashed on DH
Unfortunately he USED to do things like this regarding SD too. Giving her special privledges etc and justifying them with "well she doesn't get as much time with me as your kids do" or "she isn't adjusting to everything as well and needs more time/attention/blah blah blah" and finally I just snapped and said either treat her the same or I'm done. I can't sit back and watch you coddle her but chap my kids ass for some stupid small not-even-worth-it type infraction. Actually last year when we had our DS my DH used to limit MY kids from cuddling the baby and give SD special treatment because "she's only visiting a short time and you guys get to see baby every day". I piped up and told DH (in front of SD and the other kids "it is not their fault SD lives with her mom and not with us. Do not punish the other kids just because they live with the baby and she doesn't" (DH later came to me and said when he heard it out loud he couldn't believe how he had missed what he was doing and that he agreed it wasn't right to cater to SD just because she didn't live with us and that it WAS indeed like punishing the kids who DID live with us).
My SD rarely if ever thanks me for anything I do for her, unless its cooking a meal and that's a given, ALL the kids are expected to use manners and thank the person handing them something at the dinner table. But SD has NEVER thanked me for doing her laundry. So I stopped doing it and sent the dirty laundry home to her mom wit her.
I hope your DH wakes up and sees what's going on and steps up to the plate. I was in your shoes and it's NOT fun
I realized the more I did for
I realized the more I did for my SO regarding his daughter (who lives with us 100%) the more I was expected to do for her (Appointments, clothes, homework, food, arrangements, sports, 4-h, keeping up with things at home & school) and he was more than happy to abdicate his parental responsibilities totally to me.
The final straws came after finding out SD had been lying telling everyone we were uncaring, neglectful parents and spreading those lies for attention, to the point we are shunned in our small community & no one will let their kids over at our house (which bit SD in the ass because she has no friends to play with outside of school).
I was crushed, felt used & abused and screwed over.
I informed my SO she was his daughter and his responsibility, I would care for her but it was now his responsibility to take her or us to her appointments and make all the arrangements for her (school, sports, counseling, medical ect) & now that he started a job swing shift 2hrs away, I also added that if he did not make arrangements for transportation she wouldn't be going to baseball practice or after school activities.
I am not buying her a ton of clothes and gifts each year ( her BM hocked everything she could get her hands on so I tried to spoil her by buying her a DS< games, girl toys, those annoying hamster toys she had to have, fun stuff, clothes, etc - plus she is very hard on things and ruins them much more than normal wear and tear).
Also with his new job & summer, I told my SO if she does not follow our rules, listen and mind me while he is gone he will need to find childcare for her at his expense not ours or mine.
Course now so is backing me up & SD is getting away with less crap but I dont feel like I did before in throwing my all into trying to treat her as MY child.
Come december I will have 2 babies 15months apart to care for and I would much rather throw my effort into raising & loving them.
{dont get me wrong SD2 is well cared for, but the bond & love I felt before is gone and while we go through the motions it just isnt there anymore & I dont trust her not to hurt me again.]