Anxious to hear what the principal tells DH....
Background - About a month ago now I guess I took SS lunch, a normal occurrence while DH is gone offshore - SS saw someone give his teacher a birthday gift and asked if we could get her something I innocently ran back to the house grabbed a small home-made keychain by a family friend and returned it to the school with a note saying to Ms. F from SS. Ms. F then sent a thank you note home to BM's house not realizing that DH was gone so SS was not in our custody - this turned into a big mess (you can look up previous threads) and BM calling the cops telling them if I communicate with her she will press harassment charges.
Let me also say prior to this I would email Ms. F (Teacher) on behalf of DH to find out when events were happening etc. In fact Ms. F sent me a email apologizing shortly after she realized she sent the note home to the wrong house. With the no communication I was somewhat relieved as BM contacts me waaaay more than I contacted her and Ms. F responded to several emails until....
SS had open house right after DH got home and we showed up, so did BM it was pretty much her taking over and not letting DH see anymore in-fact grabbing it up as he was trying to pick up a piece of the work, and walking out most likely because I was there and she couldn't play happy family.
I then saw something on the school website (Where I find out most of the info I email to get additional info about) about them doing a storybook pumpkin contest as I had dealt with this before I sent Ms. F a email to get a response from the principal...
"SBM --
Mrs. F sent this to me because I told her she needed to limit her
communication to Mom and Dad only. I appreciate your interest in
wanting to help and get information, but at this point, we need to
make sure we are following official procedures.
If dad is not getting the info that is being sent home in the folder ,
then I will talk to Mrs. F about having a mom folder and dad
folder. We sent home info about the storybook pumpkins and it was
rather lengthy. I will see if I can get a copy of the letter and
email it to you. After this, dad and mom will be who we will
communicate with through email.
If dad would like to talk with me about this, he can call on Monday
because I am out of the office today.
Thanks for understanding.
Mrs. T
Principal, SJE
Sent from my iPhone"
Mind you my communication on behalf of DH was approved by the principal and teacher at the beginning of the year because we made it clear we did not receive any info about anything from BM - and DH is gone 3 weeks at a time so how is a folder going to help? This also tells me that BM went to the principal not that the teacher had a issue if you read the first line of her email.
My response
"Ms. T,
Can I ask what changed this? There was no issue with communication and sending information to me as Conor's father works offshore and so there was a mutual understanding I could request some information to ensure we had everything - as he mainly works nights and I keep the household calendar. I feel pretty blindsided that it went from Ms. F having no problem helping out or providing me with information to me getting a email that I am in the wrong. We hardly get any information that goes to his mother's house as even for open house I found out by looking on the school calendar as she never mentioned it - this is why I was emailing on his behalf to ensure we got all information.
I will mention this to dad as like I said I handle our calendar and their is clear unfortunate communication issues.
Does this also remove me from being able to take him lunch? Or pick him up when it is dad's time if he is busy?
I just want to understand because like I said I feel completely blindsided right now.
Cheers,
SBM"
Mind you I tried not to bash BM to much but I want her to know there is a clear communication issue - and the info I am requesting is on the website not that I am asking about SS's grades or anything like that I am asking for info almost anyone could request I would assume if they put it on the internet...
I got back
"Dad can give you permission to come to lunch and pick him up. We have had MANY custody issues that have caused us to make sure that we are only communicating with custodial parents. This is not directed at you, but if we enforce it with one, we must enforce it with all.
Thanks!!
DT
Sent from my iPhone"
This confirms that BM took me off even being able to take him lunch which sickens me I do it because SS likes to see what DH is doing offshore as he will send me pics and we can track him on GPS etc something BM never even shared with SS when they were married.
I have never picked SS up from school - the one time I was going to DH backed out and told me he would pick SS and the run his errand as that is his and SS's personal time to be silly and relax after school, they have a routine. I have also only taken SS lunch with BM knowing the days to ensure she didn't waste food, except the last time as she had put the no communication order out there and SS had asked the previous time if I would bring him lunch one more time before DH came home.
DH called the school yesterday and got no answer. He is supposed to be picking SS up from school today - a day early because BM drilled into SS we would get him today instead of Wed and when we had him Friday (her night) SS asked DH to make sure we would get him because he didn't want to stay at BM's house that much pretty much forcing us to get him - I am hoping the principal will be there then and we can get this sorted out....
I only want to help DH I have never requested anything about SS's personal studies, and as stated only get my info from the website as that is the only way I know how without trying to step on toes...
I guess I just feel worn down as it's like I know I have partially disengaged but don't want to fully because with DH's job I feel I am needed, and 98% of the time SS loves me once we get past what BM told him about me before he comes over.
He really is a good kid - and I am already contemplating even if I can email should I still try to take him lunch?
My fear is even if we can settle something without BM knowing will she continue to make sure I am taken off the list at the front office?
Am I out of line for feeling blindsided and like I did nothing wrong?
To avoid a PAS campaign I may
To avoid a PAS campaign I may tell SS I can't because BM doesn't want me too, and also that my work schedule is getting busy due to the end of the year (it isn't I legit only have to be in my office 20 days until Jan without taking vacation due to company holiday and being able to work from home) - I don't want it to seem like I trying to just bash his mom...because you can tell SS loves me but gets scared to show it/takes his mother side when it comes to BM because she is nuts and will legit still tell SS I stole DH and bawl in front of him telling him we ruined their lives - yes their even though SS I think enjoys us having a nice environment for him.
Any ideas of how to properly bring it up?
I'm sure he will do it in
I'm sure he will do it in person since he is picking SS up - I am about to head home from work and remind him to talk to her.
I have faith DH will explain the situation in a way to show that I am not trying to over-step but help him. He is good at not bashing BM but stating facts especially since like I said I am not requesting specific information pertaining to how SS is doing but rather trying to keep up with events, now if I was email for like behavior checks or something I can see their being a issue but not asking about stuff off the website.
DH has asked BM what she said and she told him "I have no clue what your talking about" so it would be good to see what was actually said - and despite any outcome it will not be known to BM my role again at least not from DH or I.
I know she wants her image but I honestly innocently did it to help SS - I don't need a image I just want to help DH. Plus the teacher has already called DH regarding BM dropping SS off late a lot during her time, and SS acting completely different when at her house - she had already ruined her image....
And don't worry DH will handle it and I will discuss with him and think about if I want to risk taking lunches but I see no need to stick my head out to make it seem like I want a good image.
I have always said I want to be a partner to DH and a female role-model to SS (all he sees at BMs is how to beat the government) I have faith one day I will have my own child and want to save all my mothering to focus on my child not be wore out trying to mother SS.
This is a option I have been
This is a option I have been considering to tell DH - however that would require going through all te paperwork again to change some of it - however I don't know if I would add my name on te signature because then they could still say they don't know for sure they are emailing dad?
Update:: So DH went up to the
Update:: So DH went up to the school and talked to the principal...
Supposedly it wasn't our issue but a situation that was similar that got out of hand and now it a district wide policy to only communicate with moms and dads. I guess DH tried to ask about BM and was told they had to handle each parents concerns with confidentiality but to know it was just a similar situation....and that I can use his email or we can create a joint one but as long as his name is on it - though the principal said it would be better to use the one they have on file... So then why was I asked for mine at the beginning of the year?
She also said that I shouldn't let this stop me from taking SS lunch as she knows he loves that I do, and her eyes I was doing nothing wrong....
First of all I don't trust it was a situation like ours and BM not being involved it is really iffy before open house I could get a response which is around the time she told DH only mom and dad needed to be involved unless it was me writing the CS check since his new company didn't have the garnishment order yet because "CS is necessary and not communication". And then I showed up ruined her happy family moment and now there is all of a sudden a new policy not to mention she was wearing DHs clothes on Saturday and next week is our 2 year anniversary....why she still has his clothes is beyond me I don't want anything to do with my exes around me....
I still don't completely understand as as stated I am questioning things anyone of you can look up and find on the website and call and ask about - I didn't want to step on toes so did not ask about SS at all just general questions.
I am still deciding if I want to try to log into DHs email or try to remind him to email as I a not a liar and to me posing as him in a form makes me a liar hence why I was using my own email...I may just leave it alone for a while and let him handle it all and see how it is if he ask after that I will help I just feel conflicted because like I said I don't want to pose as someone I'm not.
Also it makes me question she know SS likes me taking him lunches but what if BM takes me off the list again? Because DH did say he had to re-authorize me....I am half way contemplating saying my schedule is busy and if next time DH is gone SS still request taking it once as it would be right before Christmas - this might also let me see if SS actually enjoys it or is it just a habit because the lunch comes out of my pocket and if it is just a expected habit and not a true want I can spend that money other places...
Advice? Suggestions?
I told DH I wasn't sure if I
I told DH I wasn't sure if I was going to take SS lunch at least not in the short run meaning this next time he is gone - he told me he didn't want something that BM potentially did to affect how I treat SS...I don't want it to either however he had to re-add me to the list so how do I know I'm not going to just be removed once he leaves?
Any advice on the situation please.