Any other adult SK experiences?
I'm sure this has been discussed before, but has being a SP affected how you view SPs in general now? For me my parents were together the entire time i grew up. They split up in CA while I was away at college in NYC so the people my parents chose to remarry didn't raise me.
I was/am a horrible Skid, I'm not going to lie, but some adults Skids can change. Mind you I referred to them as my parent's spouses mainly because I felt like calling them SM/SD made it sound like there was some kind of familial bond there, which there wasn't since my parents spilt after I had moved out of the house.
Only recently, in the past year or two have I begun to refer to my dad's new wife as my SM. At first because I thought she was a gold digger who was after my dad's money. I refused to see her or have anything to do with her for a long time and the whole situation was weird because she had two younger children, one of which shared the same first name with me so I have a Step Sister with the same name as I do. However once I had my daughter and went through my own divorce I softened and gave her a chance since she had been around long enough and my dad was happy and she and I actually have a good relationship now and I do what I can to help out her bios who are just starting adulthood, as well as an older bio who is in an entry level position in my career field so I've given him advice here and there. I think we have a good relationship, she'll call and confide things to me and I'll tell her to protect her kids from my Bio Brother, who is basically a druggie loser that I don't talk to. A couple years ago I began to refer to her as my SM which I think made her happy and I'm always happy to do nice things for her especially since she absolutely ADORES my DD.
My mom's husband, on the other hand... I still struggle with being civil towards him. He was actually the pastor of our church and our families were friends when I was a teenager (he was married as well.) I was very mad at my mom over the whole thing as well as him, just the hypocrisy of it all. He goes out of his way to try and be nice but while I don't blame him for my parents split (they were a horrible match anyway) just the WAY they went about it makes me feel ashamed. My husband has to remind me to be civil when they visit us, and I've gotten better, but I will never consider him my SD.
I am a step kid to both
I am a step kid to both sides. Dad got remarried at 7 and mum at 9. I look at my step dad as a real dad. Not because my dad is useless but because he took me on as his own and brought me up. I love him a lot and respect him so much. My step mum is also amazing, some times I get the odd dig...but I am not overly fussed as a general rule she is amazing. I also have step sisters and a half sister. I do think I am lucky as we all get along and act like a "normal" family. I was an awful teenager...but not because of my step parents, they were very strict with me and didn't take any crap. So I am thankful for them.
Stepkid on both sides. My
Stepkid on both sides.
My mom is single now though. I think it would be a huge adjustment for me if my mom remarried as its been a long time since she has been with my SF. (He has since passed away). I'm not used to having to share my mom with anyone and we are super duper close, so it would be a big change for me. But if she is happy, I am happy.
My dad and SM have been together since I have been 16 but I have never lived in the same state as them so she wasnt ever a parental figure to me. We get along very well though. She makes my dad very happy and she is a just a very nice person overall. I am lucky.
Being a sm has made me a
Being a sm has made me a better sd.
After their divorce, my
After their divorce, my parents both had marriages/relationships with other people over the years. Those experiences shaped how I behaved as a SP. I tried to remember things my parents and SPs did that were just plain wrong or hurt me, and did my very best NOT to do those things to my skids as I knew how it felt.
I don't think I was a bad skid (other than usual teenage crap most of us pulled) and genuinely tried to get along with my SPs - I certainly was never allowed to be outright rude. My mother did her very best to alienate me from my father but I still maintained a relationship with him which got stronger when I moved out on my own - and that included getting along with his wife.
But. In my case, none of my experiences mattered and I still don't have a relationship with the skids. Never will.
I honestly did all I could - did the dance of being involved but not too involved, made sure they had "alone time" with their Dad to include annual vacations without me going along, tried to be friendly but never parent-like, respected them as individuals, was cordial and polite the few times I was at events with their mother, and attempted to keep myself open for any kind of overture on their part to try and develop our own relationship. Never happened. Since they are both adults, they are responsible now for any relationships in their lives - and they obviously choose not to have one with me. So I've disengaged. Am polite but distant. I guess I really can't expect anything more than that, since they rarely reach out to their own father either.
So when all is said and done, I have no regrets. I know I did the best I could and my efforts were for naught. Like any other relationship in one's life, you have to evaluate it along the way and if there is no positivity, or progress towards that end, then you need to let go. Just let go.
And one thing I wanted to
And one thing I wanted to add... although there is the possibility that skids will come around later, perhaps after they are parents, they have to realize that the SPs may not be so receptive. After watching the hurt the skids have caused over the years, and continue to cause, it's harder for SPs to "forgive and forget" like parents do. While their dad will always have open arms for his children no matter their age, I don't have the same compulsion to do so. After reading stories on the Adult Forum, it is obvious that some of the adult skids who "come around" eventually can also relapse into being problems. There are lots of heartbreaking stories about SGrandPs who for some reason or another, are cut out of skids (and grandkids) lives even though they had developed a good relationship.
I think the bottom line is that SPs are always outsiders when any kind of family dynamic comes into play. And that makes them easy scapegoats, too. It's much easier to say "I don't like stepmom/dad" than to deal with the real underlying problems.