Anyone else have a DH with a mother who is mediator between him & BM?
Hi everyone! This is my first real post, so sorry if it's a bit wordy.
So, here is the situation. My DH knocked up his hs gf, and they have a 7yo little girl. Their relationship didn't work out (wonder why since he made her have the child when she was only 16yo) shortly after the birth. The BM would never obey their verbal agreement on visitation, so they got a CO. DH's mom is more involved and usually intervenes on his behalf (DH doesn't talk to BM). Visitation is set, but DH has a different work schedule now, and actually only gets SD regularly EOWE. It's sometimes a hassle because either the kid isn't home when he's supposed to pick her up OR BM's phone is turned off/she doesn't have it anymore and BM's mom can't get in touch with her daughter when my DH calls. Even though it's really no one's fault, BM is the first to be calling DH's mom to complain that "...doesn't want to see his daughter..." and all kinds of hogwash - whatever the excuse my MIL believes it!! MIL also conveniently forgets his new work schedule even though he has emailed it to her and sends multiple reminders (MIL gets SD when DH has to work). She basically just wants a reason to call him up & b***h at him to complain that he's such an irresponsible father.
And if MIL can't get DH on the phone, OH MY GOSH, she's hitting up my cell and my inbox with messages asking if I can PLEASE get DH to call my MIL ASAP!! I'm SO SICK of it! Like three messages this week alone. The only time I EVER get a phone call from her is when it's something about SD! Even if I've had an argument with DH and I call her for advice, she's never there to pick up. She always calls back the next day with a message about, "...oh, how's the SD? and I hope SD didn't hear any of that..." and no mention of any concern for why I called her. Hello!?! Thanks for giving a s*** about me, telling to please call her if I ever need anything. My own parents are deceased and I have very little family. I thought she was someone I could rely on. Nevertheless, I understand her concern for SD, but this calling me about the custody stuff has got to stop. My DH is a big boy. I want to tell her how I feel, but I always feel my anger rising and feel that I would say something I might regret. Does anyone else have a similar issue? Advice?? Thanks so much!
Your DH needs to tell his
Your DH needs to tell his mother to BUTT OUT. The child is HIS, not hers, to tend to. She needs to not meddle, & she needs to not be the go-between when BM has a concern that needs to be communicated to your DH.
On that same note, the child is for your DH & BM to make decisions about. There's NO reason for your MIL to be pulling you into the middle of all of it. She shouldn't be putting herself there either. If she needs to get in touch with your DH, she can leave him a message. If he feels it necessary, he'll call her back. If he doesn't call her back, she should take it as a clue that she has no place in what her message is concerning.
BM's mother made a habit of making phone calls to my DH when he had the kids on BM's behalf. Of course, that one was easy to nip in the bud being it wasn't his mother. But, your DH needs to grow a backbone & put a stop to this, if no other reason than to keep you from being dragged into it.
Thanks for the advice, Storm!
Thanks for the advice, Storm!
I totally agree that DH and BM need to handle their own biz concerning SD. I guess DH has been relying on his mom to help out with SD for so long that it's just second nature for her to look over his shoulder. But you're right, enough is enough - they're both adults now.
MIL's been pretty good about getting SD when DH has to work, but she's not even around this summer! In a way it's good since BM has to keep SD when DH can't get her, which is the way it should be I think. At least they don't expect me to be the nanny.
I just don't want MIL to get pissed off that she can't supervise anymore and not volunteer to get SD when DH can't. Oh well, hopefully they'll work out something. I'll try to discuss with DH later.
Children should never have children as parents!!!
There is a good chance, since
There is a good chance, since your DH has been allowing his mom to intervene & be actively involved, that her feelings will be hurt, & she may be angry about being told to butt out. But, she's raised her children, & it's up to your DH & BM to raise theirs.
It may end up being something she'll just have to get over.
MIL does have that vengeful
MIL does have that vengeful side. Last year, before DH and I were married, SD stayed here ONE time because they were here visiting kind of late. SD had her own bed to sleep in and everything, yet MIL was sooo worried that SD was taken out of her routine. What is was...MIL was afraid of losing family, because at that point, DH was living at home with her and SD was there all the time he had her.
I made my mistake then challenging her. I was trying to support my then BF. She was saying all this nasty stuff about him. I should have kept my mouth shut. She turned her whole family against us. My DH's own grandmother wouldn't even hardly look my way until we were married! He was the black sheep for the longest time. In some ways, he still regarded as such because MIL seems to never trust him. What is wrong with these women? They either love you or hate you.