BEING PROACTIVE FOR SD, AND BOY AM I PISSED!
I don't know if anybody else has been in my shoes. my SD is 4 and this fall she is supposed to attend preschool. Around Easter, when we had our family get-together, her BM explained to us that she had visited the preschool near her and that she would be going there. I asked her if she had signed her up and she said NO. She said that sign-ups weren't until the next month, which didn't sound right to me. I asked her if it wasn't time for early sign-ups. She said it was, and I told her that she needed to go ahead and sign her up because if she didn't, SD would be on a mile long waiting list. Two months later, I call BM about something ( i forget ) and I brought up her preschool. The BM said that she STILL hadn't signed her up! I was fit to be tied! I immediately got on the phone and started calling every preschool in our area and finally found one to enroll her in. I went to the school, I took the tour, I met the teachers, and I got all the paperwork done. Meanwhile her BM is sitting on her dead ass and won't do a thing for the girl. She almost costed her an early education. Of course I'm not complaining. The child needs to be here ALL THE TIME. She pitches a fit when we take her back to her BM. And when we get her back she looks like a bum, hasn't had a bath, slept in her clothes that she's played in all day. At my house, she looks like a little princess. Here I am being a stand up mother, and you know, her BM is telling everybody that the clothes she has at my house are all some that I've borrowed from her. And that she enrolled her in preK close to us so we could all share the responsibility.
I think you need to step back
I think you need to step back a little. This is not your kid. I hate to say that, because you have good intentions, but if you don't there is going to be bigger issues with the BM in your future. It is your DH's and BM's daughter, they need to do these things. If they don't then they don't. She will have a blow up with you and you will end up in court. We have seen it countless times on here.
So i'm supposed to sit back
So i'm supposed to sit back and let her education go to crap, then let her go in public with dirty slept in clothes, and leave everything to her mother who wont do anything. that would make me a good stepmom?
Stormabruin is right. You may
Stormabruin is right. You may not like to hear this. We never do on this site. I know I was accused early on on this site as overstepping on some things and they were right I was. If I had listened earier on some things, then maybe we wouldn't be dealing with an evil BM and manipulative SD.
I think you need to remember that they are the parents. This is their job. I know we come into this with the best intentions, but sometimes it is just not our place. She has two parents. We are the stepparenets, not the biological parents. As a stepmom and a mom, I would never have considered doing a tour of a school for my Steps. That is not my place. I have a child and if someone did that for me, I would be livid. I know she wasn't moving fast enough for you, but that is her right. If she had asked you to go with, then you go. If DH asks then you go with him. But, it is not right to do it without them.
As far as a good stepmom, we all strive to be, it is just a really fine line that we are walking. Her parents will step in and do these things. They just may not be the way you would do it. The sooner you let that go, the easier this will be on you. Your SD is young as she gets older the issues with BM get harder to navigate. You are setting a precedent here, tread cautiously.
I think what Jsmom is saying
I think what Jsmom is saying is that as a stepparent, it isn't your place to make all of this happen. The child has a mother & a father who are both active in her life. She is their child to raise. Not to say that you don't play a part in her life. As a mother-figure in your home, you play a big part in her life. The thing is, without the effort & support from BM & your husband, your efforts are useless. If her parents choose to let her go out in public with dirty slept-in clothes, that's their way of raising her.
In my opinion, I doubt the child missing preschool signups & going out in public in clothes she's slept in will have a great impact on who she grows up to be. A lot of kids don't go to preschool. A lot of kids wear dirty clothes.
I know it sucks, & it's really difficult to have to step back and watch 2 people raise a child you care for in a way you don't agree with. However, as a SM, these are not your calls to make. Those are decisions for the child's mother & father to take care of. Unfortunately, that's the crap end of stepparenting.
Don't get me wrong. I know your intentions are good. You care for her the way you will while she's in your home. That's where your responsibilty ends.
Good for you. Our BM failed
Good for you. Our BM failed to enroll the middle skid in any kind of preschool. I realize that many kids don't go to preschool and are just fine without it, but those are also the kids who have parents teaching them at home and preparing them for kindergarten. Our BM was not one of those and at the time DH only had EOW visitation.
Our middle skid possibly has a learning disability. She had to repeat kindergarten because she was unprepared for school. Right now, she's on level with her grade (which is a grade behind her age level) and DH and I are keeping close track of her progress in school so that she does not get behind.
If your DH is supportive of your efforts, then keep it up. Just let everything that happens seem as though it's his idea as far as the BM is concerned. I wouldn't even discuss such things with her.
It's time to
It's time to disengage......you're just going to drive yourself crazy!!
"Here I am being a stand up
"Here I am being a stand up mother"
-----------------------------------
This is where you will run into problems. It isn't your place to be her mother...stand up or not. It is your place to be a stand up stepmother. Unfortunately, those are 2 very different roles.
Well said.
Well said.
You don't have a right to
You don't have a right to take it upon yourself to enrol your Sd its most definitley her parents who need to be doing this.
I can see u care about her and want the best for her but take a step back let her parents deal with it.
I agree with most of the
I agree with most of the other posters. I think you have overstepped your bounds. Your SD has 2 parents - it is up to them to make decisions such as enrolling her in preschool. If they didn't do it, then, oh well. Their kid, their problem.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but, you are not her mother. She has one, and, ultimately your SD is her and your DH's responsibility.
well here's the bit. her
well here's the bit. her "mother" told ME she wasn't signed up. I told her I would start looking for preschools. I got the go-ahead from both parents. I asked first. I'm not as stupid as everyone who posted thinks I am. Her FATHER and MOTHER signed the forms for her to attend. I did all the foot work. I went and checked everything out. So if her parents won't stand up for her, then nobody should? I'll be damned. I eat, sleep and breathe motherhood. If I did nothing, then I would be miserable. You all can take a step back, I'll take care of business for the children in my home. her mother can get bent. everybody here complains that the BM is leaving the kids for longer than she supposed to and it's cutting in on THEIR time. alot of the people here COMPLAIN about their stepkids. and me, heck I don't care if it was a kid off the damned street who wondered up, I'll take care of business for that kid. i'm not gonna let a child in my home walk out my door in dirty clothes ( unless they r going to play ), and I'm not going to allow a child to be ripped of a good helpful learning experience because their MOTHER is a lazy POS. like I said, you guys sit back and complain about everything your skids and their mother do. I'm going to do everything i can to take care of my stepdaughter and my own daughter. theyre my girls. Being a mom or a stepmom isn't a chore, it's a damn priviledge. and I'm taking a full advantage of it
Like I said, good for you.
Like I said, good for you. And it's cool that BM was supportive in your efforts, but I agree BM be damned as long DH is on your side!
That's a bit of a harsh reply
That's a bit of a harsh reply given that you left some important details out of your first post. It sounds like you're hell-bent on putting the responsibility of being your SD's mother on your own shoulders. If you want that load to carry, go for it. However, if you're volunteering & going out of your way to play that role, frankly, I see no right for you to be pissed about it. You're post is titled, "Being Proactive for SD, and boy am I PISSED". Yet, your last remark here is , "Being a mom or a stepmom isn't a chore, it's a damn privilege. and I'm taking a full advantage of it". It's all you!
the reason i'm pissed isn't
the reason i'm pissed isn't because i'm doing for my SD. it's because her mother isn't and yet she is still taking the credit. that's my whole issue. i'm all about owning wh you are. if your a hard working person, then own it. be a hard worker. but if your a lazy piece of garbage just hand bagging your way through life, own it. don't claim to be anything besides what u are
To be fair to the earlier
To be fair to the earlier posters, your original post made it sound like you were completely preempting the parents and they were simply pointing out the pitfalls of that. And your second post clarified that you, the BM, and the BF were agreed that you would tour the school (at your suggestion, true) and organize the paperwork. Nobody would ever believe for a nanosecond that you do not care about this child.
I misunderstood your initial
I misunderstood your initial post. Thanks for the clarification.
That being said....
Even if they did sign all of the papers, I still would not have done all of what you did. As commendable as your motives are, it's simply not your job or your place to select a school for your SS.
You keep talking about BM being lazy and not doing anything - why couldn't your husband take care of it? Why isn't he involved?
my husband works 12+ hrs a
my husband works 12+ hrs a day. he's a laborer and drives over 600 miles a day also. when he gets home he is tired. i don't want him to have to come home and be worried about all this drama with his ex. plus he doesn't get off work in time to go down to the school and take care of all the paperwork and the tour and whatnot. so i did it because i love him and his daughter. and to me thats not a burden. i love being a wife and a mom and a stepmom. so i do what i can plus some to ensure that the people in my house are well taken care of.
Bm in my case was uninvolved
Bm in my case was uninvolved with the boys for almost 5 years. She began to begin to complain and take on some additional visitation time with the boys but still did not show up for meetings and such. I have 4 bio kids who attended the same schools at the time so the school was very used to me and my husband being around and taking care of all of the special events and everyday things. Issues that involved the boys I always told BF about and still - now BM is attempting to claim that we were interferring with her rights and that I was and am currently overstepping my boundaries with the boys.
Becareful, it is your hubby's responsibility to take on the role of visiting with the teachers and such. The GAL asked several questions about "did you visit with teacher so and so for confereneces" , "do you take kids to the doctor" I took the questions that she was asking about my bio kids not the step kids as she did not point out their names and it just showed up in the report that as Bm reported sm took care of these events for the skids. Both of us attended and provided for the bio and step kids. We now need to go back and clarify to make our point. Drives you nuts.
well i have talked with my
well i have talked with my husband's lawyer. i'm going to have a paper drawn up where she and I and my husband all agree that my SD will be attending the school i signed her up for and that she will remain in that school for the entire year. and the BM will sign it. then I will keep a copy, give the school a copy and her lawyer and the judge also. i'm making sure i'm covering my tracks. i wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what i'm trying to accomplish. smarter than the average bear. also i'm keeping my blasted mouth shut around everybody including her. although there are some things i would love to say to her, i am refraining from doing so, and keeping my cool. i am not a complex person, and i try to do things the right and efficient way. step by step.
I think this blog (and this
I think this blog (and this user) is a wind up.
I don't believe ANY lawyer would do what she described in the last post.
so you believe that I'm a
so you believe that I'm a robot. lol. no i didn't explain myself very well on that last one. i'm going to write up a contract between me and the BM and my husband. stating that we all agreed on the school and whatnot. then make copies and send it to his lawyer to put in his file. i hope that cleared that up. a robot, lol, jump back.
and what is the penalty for
and what is the penalty for breach of contract? seriously?
that is such a waste of time.
this is friggin pre-school.
you need to get over yourself a bit. god help you when she has actual schoolwork.
oh so preschool isn't
oh so preschool isn't important? learning to interact with other children and getting prepared for actuall school isn't important? whatever. don't get mad at me because i have a good relationship with my SD. i want her to go to preschool. and she will go. and what? when she gets in school i'm not supposed to make sure she does what she's supposed to? give me a break. excuse me for caring about her education and developement. lol. btw any writen agreement is valid in a court of law. no matter the circumstances. you don't have to agree with me. don't care.