between a rock and a hard place
HELP!!!!!
I am going for surgery next wek and because my health is so bad the topic has come up of "what if you don't make it through mom?"
I have 6 biokids living home from 3 previous marriages and a fling so the are half siblings but not full. They have always been treated as full.
After bad men in their lives(my poor choices, I admit)They are very wary of men.
Strike one against my B/F.
I have been very lenient in the discipline of the kids. I feel that kids should be able to enjoy life.
They have to respect authority and use their manner and be considerate and such and for 7 kids with a troubled/hard life they are all loved and accepted everywhere with no problem(except the two with ADD and that is constantly worked with)
I also don't elieve you spank unles a child is endangering themselves or someone else, or forcefully disrespectful. Otherwise other forms of punishment work.
My B/F believes in military discipline. When he says jump the kids should respond immediately with how high sir and never show any disagreement with him for any reason. It is not tolerated by him. He has no problem when disciplining his son to spank him slap him across the face or crack him upside the head for any misbehvior.
parenting differences-strike 2 for my B/F
My children have also seen arguements between us become very heated and what they see as blatant disrespect for me by my B/F his ex and his son.
They have expressed dislike and even fear on my/their behalf due to this.I am uncomfortable with leaving the B/F fully in charge because without my buffer I feel this leaves the kids being treated unfairly in many situations.
I know my priority SHOULD be the B/F but I feel more loyalty to my kids I have been raising them for 21 yrs, my B/F has been here for three.
that's the hard place. Here's the rock...
If I don't make it out or make it out in no condition to continue raising the kids. I have provisions made that the kids will be able to stay together, as a family with people to love and care for them...Insurance will cover expenses of their future needs.
There are only two choices that I feel my kids would be well cared for and would leave them to. My B/F is not ne of those choices.
Whichever of the two that do end up with my kids would have to move in here and take over the house. There's not enough room at the other houses for all of the kids.
BUT this means my B/F would probably be moving out since he doesn't like one of the choices and the other one won't tolerate his form of discipline especially when his own kids come over to visit.
I know this is long and I apologize but here is the problem(finally).
I feel guilty leaving things where my B/F might be homeless after three years invested by him into this home and family. But I feel it is my duty to provide for the kids, not the adult.
Am I wrong? Does anyone have any suggestions?
We can not leave B/F in charge with people for the kids to fall back on B/F has already made it clear to anyone who showed concern that there would be dire consequences to any one who interfered in his household again. Even my mother adn Threatening the lives of my oldest daughter and her husband. So my kids have learned that they have no protection other than me to run to.
Once again HELP!!!!!!!
Thanx for anything anyone can give me
We have worked through most of these issues. But the kids still have their reservations and I can't say I blame them.
This is the hard place
Here is my perspective...
First I want to say...keep thinking positive. Before you go into surgery, get rid of all your negative thoughts, they will do you no good. I'm sorry that your health is in question, but keep a very positive attitude.
As far as your situation, I'm not going to say right or wrong...it's different and I would say the bf would need to move out, and the parties that accept the responsibility of raising your children move into your place. Does your bf know that you don't feel comfortable with him and his form of discipline? I'm not sure why you want to be living with someone you don't think is suitable to raise your kids, but if he is just too hard when you are not around, then leave them in the care of people you trust, and have him move out. He is a working adult (I assume) and I'm sure that he will be able to take care of himself. I do think it is a little unfair that you would have someone living with you, investing in your home/family, and then all of a sudden be ousted, but, if you cannot trust him to really love and respect your children, well there is your priority. Your children rely on you making informed decisions, and your biggest priority is making decisions based on their best interests. If you feel it is not in their best interests to be raised by your bf, then he should move out, and the parties you find to raise them move in.
It sounds like your biggest priority is to keep your kids together, but, what about their dads' raising them in the event the worst happens? My ss has two 1/2 brothers, one at his mothers and one over here. If anything happened to his mother, we will have custody, we will raise him, and no one else. However, that doesn't mean we would share him, or even keep in contact with the other dad so he could see his other brother.
A couple of legal points you need to be aware of, if your state is a community property state, and you both live together, you may have legal issues getting him off the property. My state is, and I think common law marriage is 7 years here, but if one would want to argue, he has sweat equity, possibly financial equity into the property, and could make things really hard for anyone trying to move themselves in, and move him out.
Good luck in finding your middle ground..
Candice
Okay...you answered your own dilemma in your post...
You are with a man who you don't trust to raise your children in your absence. You get into heated arguments where your children fear for their/your safety. Besides the health issues and surgery, why are you with this man? What does he add to your life? Why not get your emotional self sorted out with your physical self and your answers will be much more clear. You have had a lot of challenges in life and every day is an opportunity for a new begginning...for you and your children.
Honestly...
I think your priority right now is yourself. How did you get into this health situation? Stress is a poisoner. It's so important that we have to focus a little on ourselves everyday not only to ease our minds, but also to benefit for our health.
The other thing that I worry about is if this fellow you are 'dating' is such a bad fellow, why are you with him? I agree with Candace on this one. I personally think it's kinda cold hearted myself. Let's do a little role reversal. If this were HIM on the table, and YOU were to lose him... you would be devastated. And then, how would you like it if Aunt Betty came knocking on the door, told you to pack up and move it out the next day!!! I mean, come on. I'm just being realistic. That's cold.
I wish you the best, but personally, I really think that legally, the BF's of the children have legal rights to raise them upon your death.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Holeekrap,I can't say I
Holeekrap,
I can't say I agree with the situation that you put yourself or your kids into but I do understand it. I have been in a similar situation in the past.
I agree that you do need to prioritize yourself then your children.
Suggest to B/F that he should start making alternate plans for where he might have to live and how he might have to survive. He is an adult and therefore not your responsibility!
Maybe he could build the necessary relationship with whoever you have moving in to be able to stay there and be an asset with supervision, income,moral support, and keeping the established structure as much as possible.
Good Luck
Trinity
Huh?!
Okay, let me see if I understand this...
CplStv - aka Steve - and holeekrap789 - aka Steve's "old lady" Lisa are together and raising their seven combined children. They are both coming here to vent, get advice, etc. Also, obviously, reading and responding to one another's posts. Uh-huh.
First for Steve, love you to death, but stop calling her your "old lady."
And holeekrap789 (or Lisa, if I understand this correctly) please, please, please try not to worry about anything more than getting healthy, because getting yourself healthy is the only way to ensure that your children will be raised and taken care of the way you want them to be. I know you have to plan for any contingency, but have some faith!
For both of you, you're both coming here looking for something, which means you're both WILLING TO TRY SOMETHING TO MAKE YOUR UNION A SUCCESSFUL ONE. So for cryin' out loud, TALK TO EACH OTHER! Hey, talk to us, too, but also talk to each other... say what you need to say in a respectful, non-accusatory manner and then sit back and really listen to the other person. If you love and trust each other, you can overcome the obstacles. If you don't, then BREAK UP!
Lisa, I know where you are coming from with the "military discipline" because my husband is a retired Marine and more than once I've had to remind him that
I don't work for him and (B) this is not Boot Camp. But strict doesn't equate to abusive. Steve, for the love of God, you're living with how many women?! There must be no days of the month that is period-free. Yikes!
I hope you guys work it out, I really do. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and sending good thoughts your way.
~ Anne ~
Yeah...
I'm with Anne and BIOMOM on this... and another bitch, moan and groan I have is it's really hard to take someone seriously when you use flowery words such as 'My Beloved', 'Old Lady', and capitalizing only the first letter of a point that you are trying to make... but then again, we all have our own unique way of emphasizing things. :? Okay, scratch the last one...
I really think both of you Need To Talk To Each Other, rather than debating on a forum. I Really Don't Understand Why There Is This Need For Both Of You To Have To Prove The Other Wrong. Why is that so important to you? We're just a bunch of freaking strangers for that matter...
Anyway, best of luck to you two...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Thank you all who offered
Thank you all who offered advice and support I do appreciate it.
Now for the record and in defense of myself...I came here to vent and get advice and maybe even give a little help or comfort someone else who needs it.
When I was refuted in the post I made, by Steve I then told everyone I am going incognito so I could continue to use this site without repercussion or putting anyone else in the middle of our private arguements.
Just like almost everyone else here, I do need validation that I am not crazy and alone. It feels good. I don't believe I am asking anyone to take sides.
If I am then I'M SORRY.
If I am told a different way to handle things, or that I am wrong for something by someone who can offer advice or help and has been through what I am going through,I am more than willing to accpet that from them.That's one of the main reasons I am here.
All of you are right we should be communicating with eachother not typing to strangers. I am working on that as hard as I can.
That comes after my health and my kids at this particular point in time though.
Thus the need to vent here with people who understand and are not hurt by what I say(hopefully). Isn't this something we all do?
Anne thank you for understanding "military discipline" I agree it is not abusive...just different from the way I choose to parent and something my kids are not used to and rebel against and that any caretaker coming in(their biological father and uncle) would not agree with it either nor would they tolerate it because they love Steve and want to work out their relationship with him as I do.
You are there to remind your huband that your home is not a military boot camp. I am here to remind Steve of this. My fear is that if I am not here then it becomes a military boot camp for my kids if Steve is soley in charge. Would you have the same fear for your kids? I am honestly curious and I wonder if your kids have been exposed to the different parenting styles of you and your husband all of their lives. My youngest is 9 and Steve has only been here as he said 2.5yrs this means that most of all of their lives they have never had to deal with this kind of discipline from a parent. They have had a hard time accepting it and still to some level rebel against it and him.
BIOMOM ..thanx for the defense of the ol' lady thing---lol
At first I didn't like it much either but I have come to accept it as one of his cute little quirks. As Step Mom said it is a biker thing---lol
Step Mom...I am not trying to prove him wrong. I am sorry it is seen that way. I am trying to gain insight and perspective to differences and get the comfort of knowing that I am not alone in some of the issues that we have and that someone else out there understands and that I am not insane. Thanx for the well wishes.
Thank you again everyone for helping and letting me vent.
Sorry again if I offended any one
God Bless and Have a wonderful day!
Lisa Dawn
Hey, Lisa!
Well, my husband and I have been married for five years. My son (from a previous marriage) was three when we got married. His father had signed over his parental rights, so my husband adopted him and now they are father/son in every way except biologically. We also have a daughter together who is almost four and my skids are 15, 14 and 11. So I parented my son alone for the first three years of his life, and I've been parenting with my husband for the past five years. If I dropped dead tomorrow, I am 100% certain that there would be times that he would yell a little too loudly or discipline in a way that I might think is a little too harsh - whereas I might say no TV for the weekend, he might take the TV away for a week, for example - but I also know that my kids would be loved, very well taken care of, encouraged to follow their dreams and helped to succeed in whatever life they choose for themselves. But he's their father, not their stepfather.
I don't have a fear that my children would be raised in a boot camp atmosphere, but I do know that my husband would demand and expect to receive their respect and obedience. I expect the same things from them that he does, although sometimes I might go about getting it in a different way. Does that make sense? We did have a few tumbles early on over discipline, because I thought he was coming on a little strong and he thought I was being too weak, so we made a list of rules and consequences that we both agreed to and we followed it to the letter. That way, we both did exactly as we'd agreed to do. We also made a commitment to back each other up 100% in front of the kids and if one of us had a problem with the way the other disciplined the kids, we discussed it privately. But publicly, in front of the kids, the discipline stood.
It took some doing, but we stuck to it religiously and now we don't really have the same problems we did earlier on and the kids are getting the same message from both of us, which makes it harder for them to "divide and conquer," so to speak. They don't test us as much, because they know we are on the same side. So yes, they have been exposed to different styles, but the basic tenets are the same, whatever the approach... respect and obedience. I do know that my son was a much better-behaved child six months after our marriage than he was six months before it...! Our daughter, I'm afraid, is hopeless. But she's not quite four, so there's still hope!
I kind of think exposure to a variety of approaches can be a good thing, because they are going to come across a lot of different people in their lives and kids need to know how to deal successfully with all of them. Think of the various authority figures people have throughout their lives... parents, teachers, babysitters, bosses, law enforcement, etc. Not everyone is going to share the same approach.
Kids are very resilient, or at least, they need to learn how to be resilient, because life isn't always pretty or fun, is it? I just wish you could find a way to forget about anything and everything, except getting yourself healthy. Whatever happens with your medical issues, your children will be FINE. You say they love Steve and Steve says he loves them, so they will work it out. It was hard for me, but I did have to make myself take a step back after I got married, because I wanted my son and his new Daddy to really bond as father and son, but to do that, it meant that Mama had to let Daddy do some of the parenting, too. It just about killed me to not go baby my little boy the first few times my husband sent him to time-out or took away a favorite toy as punishment, but if I had, it would have undermined my husband's authority with him. My husband would have felt the need to be even more strict and even more harsh, because he'd feel the need to undo the damage that I'd done by interfering. It's hard, I know where you are coming from. I think all parents, step or not, struggle with different parenting styles from time to time. You just have to find a way to compromise and then stick with the program you decide to adopt.
But you don't ever need to defend yourself here, Lisa. I wasn't in any way jumping on you guys or anything, I was just pointing out that you both seem to be actively trying to find a way to make things work, so you have every reason to be hopeful about your situation. Just try to focus on that and GET WELL!!! BTW, what's Steve's military status? Just wondering. Since my husband retired from the Marine Corps two years ago, it's definitely gotten a little lighter in our home.
Take care!
~ Anne ~
Anne 8102....Sorry it took
Anne 8102....
Sorry it took so long to respond.I went for the surgery and I am home ok.
I might not make too much sense here but I am going to try to answer a point or two that you made and answer your question.
You are right...when both parents are the bio it is easier...It does make sense that there are different ways to go about getting the same results, some harsher some nicer...I opt for the nicer way...He opts for the harsher way. I don't think either of us is wrong, just different.
You are also right when you say it breaks your heart to watch your kid crying over the necessary discipline but I do also know that it is necessary and have to turn from the crying to let the discipline happen.
I, like you, have no doubt that he would yell a little too loud or punish a little harder...that isn't what I have so much of a problem with. My problem is when they get yelled at for something soooo stupid like they laugh too loud for his comfort or they are making a mess while they are eating. Isn't laughter a good thing? as long as it isn't "rowdy behavior" Isn't eating normally a messy thing and the discipline should come in when they don't clean up WHEN THEY ARE DONE EATING...stupid little things like that.
The kids beg me all the time to not leave him alone with them...I know this is in some part for attention and sympathy, but if they can't handle being alone with him for a couple of hours knowing that I will be back, what would become of them if I never came back? That scares me!
I try my damndest to not confront him on any discipline issues in front of the kids. He will tell you otherwise but I can say for sure that when he is yelling, screaming, and swearing at a hysterical 11 yr old who is normally a happy go lucky kid...then I know without a doubt that he has lost control of himself and it is no longer necessary discipline but instead it is his anger getting out of control. I do feel the need to step in at times like this.They BOTH need to calm down. After it is over he will admit that he has gone too far but he will blame it on the kid. I personally believe that it is up to the adult to be in control of the situation and themselves and if you feel you are being pushed beyond your limit you should step back until you can deal with it constructively...otherwise it quickly becomes emoitional/verbal abuse and once again not discipline.
You're also right that exposure to different personalities and situations is a must because as you said life isn't always pretty or fun. But Home should be a place where a child should feel safe, not fearful or threatened. That is what I try to provide and wish that someday he would see it. His answer to that is if they learn to deal with it at home then they will know how to deal with it in the real world. He believes he is teaching them survival techniques.
I will give him credit on the fact that since we have been working together he has come a long way towards having more compassion and patience for the kids. I have also come a long way in getting stricter with them. But I have also never had a problem with socially unacceptable kids due to lack of discipline on my part. ADD kids are different and any honest parent with an ADD child can testify to that. Two of my kids have it but they are still controlled, even before my B/F came into the picture.
As far as his military status goes. From my understanding of his many stories, he joined the navy as a teen and during boot or shortly after he was discharged due to knee injuries. So he never got far in the military but was raised in generations of military family and does civil war re-enactments and is very familiar with the lifestyle. Add to that the fact that he is a biker and you have a hard ass on your hands. At least in outward appearance. Inside, as I am sure you know with yours he is a great big soft teddy bear (sorry for blowing your cover hun---lol)
Thanks again for listening and for your post. A few points you made hit home with me and I can see some changes already happening for the better around here.
Thank you everybody!
God Bless and take care.
Lisa Dawn
Glad you're back and doing okay!
I so agree with everything you said! Especially this part:
"I personally believe that it is up to the adult to be in control of the situation and themselves and if you feel you are being pushed beyond your limit you should step back until you can deal with it constructively...otherwise it quickly becomes emoitional/verbal abuse and once again not discipline."
I've had a hard time getting my husband to understand this, too. It isn't that he means to do it, but sometimes something will just trigger a certain mood and then anything can set him off. He suffers from PTSD, so he's gotten some help for recognizing and eliminating the triggers and I've had to learn to respect his need for alone time to cope with things. You know how they say you can't argue with a drunk or a crazy person? You also can't argue with an angry person!
It's an ongoing struggle here, too. I'm glad things are going better for you guys! You sound so much better than before. I've been thinking about you!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)