Currently engaged and fiance has 4 bio adult children and an adult step son from his first marriage
Currently engaged and fiance has 4 bio adult children and an adult step son from his first marriage. My first issue is with the step son who came into my fiance's life at the age of four. My fiance admits that they have never been close and that a bond was never truly made between the two of them. The step son is married with two children he works as a manager of a gentlemens club and and little to say when he is at family functions... The BM calls my fiance and tells him he needs to be there for SS and blames me for the distance, even though we have never met and she has made it clear that I am not welcome to the grandchildrens birthdays... The other kids treat me very graciously with the exception of his daughter who seems to take pleasure making snide remarks in my presence and commented that her dad could have bought her a new car for what he spent on my engagment ring (she is 22). Sorry I had to give some background, the problem is how can I ever find peace with the BM if she refuses to even meet me, do I just accept that my fiance will attend family functions that involve his SS without me? Also note that they have been divorced for almost seven years, but she still tells the kids they will get back together someday. It's very frustrating and I don't want to crack and make matters worse.
Thank you,
Future Step Mom
I have spoke to my BM two
I have spoke to my BM two times. I wish it was zero. Let this one go. You do not ever have to meet her or attend family functions. Most of us on here do not have anything to do with the BM.
Honestly stay away from her and you may have less drama in your marriage.
His children are adults, you
His children are adults, you don't have to be friends w/BM nor get her approval because you don't have a relationship with her, and your fiance needs to set BM and adult SD straight. Did SS tell DH you weren't welcome to attend family functions, or is this coming from BM? Your fiance needs to get to the bottom of it.
Your fiance also needs to step up and tell BM to stop being delusional about getting back together because it's not going to happen and to stop feeding those lies to your steps. She needs to grow up and move on w/her life and stop living in a fantasy world.
He should tell his trouble making adult daughter that you are going to be his wife, and it's none of her business how much money he's spent on your ring, or anything else. He doesn't have to answer to her. He should also demand that she respect you by not making snide comments and if she doesn't he will cease any contact with her.
As far as going to family functions, once DH speaks to them, accompany him to these functions. If they still act like morons, it's up to DH to yet again set them straight. They need to know that if you're not made to feel welcome, he will NOT be attending. They are his problem . .not yours. Marriage is challening enough as it is, trust me. It's time for your fiance to step up. This is his mess to clean up, not yours.
Good luck.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses, and let me provide a little more insight.
I do not want to be friends with the BM, civil is just fine. The problem now is drama, she has told both of her engaged sons and their fiances that I am not to be invited to the weddings, showers or anything to do with her grandchildren (currently here are two and they are from the son she had before she married my fiance over 25 years ago). The messages get relayed to me by the SS's fiance's because we are all very close. The sk's see me much more than the BM and they all lived with their BD after the divorce. DH tells me to just ignore it and let it roll off my back. He has told the BM once to stop with the fantasy stories to the kids and move on, it did stop for a short time. What concerns me more is that people who know the BM including some of my DF's siblings think the BM will make a scene whenever she meets me... I do not want to be the cause of drama on anyones special day, but at the same time, I love my fiance, get along great with his mother and siblings... and three of my SS's and want to be their to be their to share their joy, am I being selfish. I wish someone would tell the BM to grow up and act like a mature adult. I am not out to replace her as a mother nor could I even if I wanted to. BM is hot tempered, financial strapped and enjoys drama. I am laid back, financially stable and hate drama. To top it off she has a history of getting very aggressive.
Here is the thing, first your
Here is the thing, first your dh needs to block her # period! She is not a part of his life anymore. His kids are grown no need to talk to bm at all! He can call his kids. As far as her saying this or that tell the kids you don't want to hear what she has to say through any of them b/c it makes no difference. Your dh needs to set his adult kids straight and tell them that none of what goes on with you or him has nothing to do with bm. Bm has NO place in your lives, she has NO right to contact you or your dh. All this lands on your dh to make it right and stand up to his kids and block his ex. You do not have to be civil all you have to do is live your life by your dh's side. He doesn't even have to be civil he doesn't even have to see or talk to or hear about his ex as his kids are GROWN!
Thanks I can feel my strength
One more issue, do we have to be involved with my DH's stepson from the BM? They never talk and only see each other on holidays because he is half brother to DH's kids.
No you do not have to if HE
No you do not have to if HE wants to reach out he will if not that is choice. If all he wants is money NO, NO, NO! But if he wants to have you are friends (which is all you 2 can be to him) then that is great.