Blended Families - Living together or apart?
We are are blended family with 5 boys (MINE - 9yrs, HIS - 10yrs & 7yrs & OURS 5 yrs & 18 mnths)who have been together for 7 years.
We have been together since the kids were really little, boys were 1,2,&3 and moved in a year later, and have since had 2 boys of our own.
In the beginning things were great, but now as the boys are getting older, they have stated with their attitudes and are utterly disrespectful to step parents and the whole house seems chaos.
My partner and I are thinking things need to change otherwise we are going to have to separate as the stress of the house is bringing us apart.
One idea that has been floating around in our heads is to live apart but still being together... I just wanted others thoughts - do you think living apart but together can work (has anyone done it) ? Appreciate your thoughts
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I know that it sounds like a
I know that it sounds like a good solution, however I would personally think that those stress causing children have far too much power , even potentially causing their (step)parents to get separated because of them!Especially since there are common little kids now as well.
I don't think it would be
I don't think it would be fair on you both as a couple and also your two bio sons, the other two boys from his previous relationship would then have dad's undevided attention and if you ever decided to bring the family together again the disrespect would still be there, what have they got to lose, nothing.
The dad needs to apply some discipline or ship them off to their mothers, if that is possible. Those two young boys you have together deserve to have both mum and dad together under the same roof, do whatever you can to stick together as a family unit and don't let the skids to rule the roost.
You could try it, but that's
You could try it, but that's where I am now. Ss8 and bs13 literally made life hell, and SO and I now 'date'
It works ok, but there are still conflicts. And yes, now ss8 feels like he has MORE power and has made it clear he doesn't want dad living with me. So a year and half later, we are still 'dating' and prob nearing the end of the relationship.
It helped my sanity. But gave the kids way too much authority over my relationship. It has been mine and yours since then. It wasn't dealt with as a family. And prob never will be. I am actually pretty happy living alone with my son, to the point that I'm afraid to even try to live with them again. And ss8 was only at the home eow, 4 nights a month.
The only way I would do this
The only way I would do this is if the steps were making my KIDS" lives a living hell. Hurting them, breaking thier stuff, etc. No one effs with my kids. Other than that I think you and DH need to open up a few cans of Whoop Ass!
My DH just yesterday told
My DH just yesterday told ss16 "I love sterling and if you have a problem with her go live with your other parent, if you don't want to live with her, find a job and a roomate". Now we all know ss16 is too young to move out on his own (tho all 5 of my brothers did at that age) but by dh saying that to his son he was sending the message that this is my home, my wife and if YOU SS have an issue then move out.
The home you live in is yours and DH's home and for sure the kids' home but first and foremost it's the adults' home. Kids are with us to learn how to live their own life and move out and get on with life, not own the family home and take over, step parents or not, kids need bounderies and rules. It seems your skids have learned it's ok to bully smom and get away with it AND if you move out they've won. If you move out they will likely live longer with good ol dad and they will not respect you more.
If you have no bio kids together and they were affecting your own bio kids negatively I'd say maybe but when the rubber hits the road it's DH who has to set down the law and protect you and demand respect for you from them.
You didn't go into details as
You didn't go into details as to what the kids are doing but it sounds pretty normal. That is not to say you have to accept this. I think you just need to get more imaginative in your discipline.
Talk back and lose your mouthpiece (cell phone) for a month. Ignore me twice because you're watching TV, no TV for a week. Escilate the consequences until you get their attention.
Sounds to me like these kids
Sounds to me like these kids need yours or DH's foot up their asses! Why should you and he separate and live apart and give these boys the ULTIMATE power, knowing THEY can do as they please???
To me, it makes zero sense to split unless there are serious issues with the marriage, plus it doesn't set a good example for the kids about the bonds of marriage and commitment to see each other through the tough times.
I agree with the others about stiff consequences for their actions. They are the ones that need to be straightened up, not you!
Good luck. That's gotta be extremely hard!
Couple of my friends who date
Couple of my friends who date single parents have the living arrangement you suggested. I think it might work for some people. It is not going to work for me, but every situation is different.
It would be a lot cheaper to
It would be a lot cheaper to clamp down on the behavior that's gotta go and you would regret putting the other kids into the broken family situation.