Blended family reality-at least mine right now
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Nothing's new, nothing's changed
I try so hard yet it all remains the same
A new day dawns, or so it seems
Yet the night stars shine on the same old scene
Pain, loneliness, battle lines
Heartbreak, anger, deep inside
Two separate worlds, too close confined
That cannot blend, cannot combine
Like oil and water in a jar,
So close and yet so very far
A house divided, but standing still,
The collapse will come no matter what we will
The smallest breeze and the cards come down
The king and queen with separate crowns
We stumble through the scattered debris
He with his
Mine with me
Never will we a family be.
We aren't there yet but it's
We aren't there yet but it's coming. The battle lines have been drawn. He let SD18 do that over the past few years and now everything breaks down to his family vs. mine
Two out of one for us, too.
Two out of one for us, too. It's like a wedge is tapped in, between us. With each negative interaction it is pounded in deeper, driving us further and further apart. This blended family thing..no way would I EVER have walked this walk if I would have known how emotionally beat I would be at the end of five years. Hanging on by the last thread of emotion. :,(
I can honestly say at this
I can honestly say at this point that I wish I had never met my spouse! It's been 10 years and the divide just gets deeper and more bitter.
The failure rate is so high
The failure rate is so high I've often commented that divorced parents should be kept from remarrying or living together until their kids are 18. Of course this would be impossible to enforce.
And still there are success stories - we just don't hear about them here.
You and Dr. Laura share that
You and Dr. Laura share that opinion. For many people I agree that it should be enforced. For others, nope.
I read so much on here about
I read so much on here about disengagement and I understand completely why it is necessary in so many cases, but IMHO, a blended family cannot work unless it functions somewhat similar to a nuclear family. The parents need to be a team and have the authority/support to enforce house rules. Mom can't only do for her kids and dad only do for his, there is no way to bridge the gap if that is the case, there will always be a divide. Add a bio between the mom and the dad and it's even more difficult. Where this gets especially tricky is when in the blended family one of the parents has limited custody and the other has full custody, it's just impossible to keep things fair and not have a divide with the kids based on jealousy that may or may not be warranted.
Step families come with all sorts of struggles and obstacles, blended families do as well and unfortunately every circumstance is different so there isn't even one right answer to make it work.
It CANNOT function as a
It CANNOT function as a nuclear family. It CANNOT.
Unless the bio dad and the bio mom of the kids are *poof* gone and all of the kids were raised together by the stepparents under the same roof since they were little kids. That's the only hope!
Seriously, though you have at best 3 households and at times even more (if people have kids with more than one partner). Different people and personalities, different rules and expectations...no. It is nothing like a nuclear family.
I guess I could have worded
I guess I could have worded that better. I will try. I know in cannot function exactly as a nuclear family and in reality the nuclear families prior didn't work or they wouldn't even be in the blended situation. I guess when I say "nuclear" family what I mean is that instead of dad and his kids living in dads world with his rules and mom and her kids living in moms world with her rules the blended family functions as a household. The parents put the marriage first and work as a team. There are house rules that both parents can enforce and will back the other parent up on. The roles in the household are for everyone, so rather than dad cooks for his kids mom cooks for hers, dad does his kids laundry mom does hers it's whoever cooks, cooks for all, whoever does laundry does laundry for all (as an example, I'm of belief when kids are old enough they handle more responsibility) Things with kids have to be fair, so on Christmas all kids have same amount of gifts etc. Rather than the house being dad and his kids vs. mom and her kids it should be parents vs. kids.
I get what you're saying. I
I get what you're saying. I do.
I still think it doesn't work to try to dictate a formula. e.g., We function pretty well as a unit, my husband and I, but still, it becomes WRONG to insist that the 2 of us provide for the 5 kids "equally".
He pays 60% of his income for CS.
I earn 80% of our household income.
I get no CS for my kids (their bio dad is $75K in arrears).
Equal? No. Equal means extremely unequal for my kids. Not going to happen.
Doesn't mean I don't want to work with my husband or not provide anything for my stepkids...just our reality isn't as neat and clean as to say we are, the 7 of us, "one family unit".
We are not. But that's okay...
I completely understand what
I completely understand what you are saying too. I think that's just one of the things that is so tricky with step/blended/non conventional families. People in regular families can't even get it right a lot of times, and there is no "rule" book for us.
Great comments but did anyone
Great comments but did anyone like my poem? Lol
I had some deep creative thoughts going on last night.
Absolutely!
Absolutely!