BM asking for money
Geniune question. My partner pays child support. BM still asks for money. Not as much as she used to but still will ask. Now when she does ask for money it's always for their son so that's okay but... isn't that what child support is for?
BM has recently got a job and she hasn't worked since she had the baby which was 7 years ago. She was and probably is still on Government benefits. Plus child support money coming in every week. She lives rent free with her family. She has no bills to pay besides her car and phone bills. (assuming that's it)
Is it fair to ask my partner for money when he has bills to pay, rent to pay, a life to live plus child support money to give out every week?
Example.
Our son needs new school shoes. Can you pay for them? Shouldn't she be using the child support money if she needs help? Or can't my partner just go to the shops himself and buy a pair of shoes and give them to her?
Christmas she texted him asking if he has bought anything for their son yet and if he wanted to go halves on a VR headset that was between $600-800. My partner didn't want to spend that much money. Too expensive. My mind just went to well if you buy this with her the headset is going to stay at their house. Is the present from Santa? Also when your son comes to our house he is going to expect more presents. He didn't follow through with it but she made it a big deal like he isn't allowed to get his own presents for their son.
Now recently apparently their son needs glasses. He can't see in far distance or something. She asked if they can go halves on a pair of glasses which are around $400.
Now I don't care if he wants to send her money. It's for their son at the end of the day but isn't child support money meant for this reason amongst other reasons?
I could be wrong IDK
I'm assuming based on your
I'm assuming based on your post, that there is a CS order in place, enforced by the courts. If so, that fulfills ALL of your BF's financial responsibilities to SS. Usually, depending on state/country, your CS order will also dictate childcare and medical expenses as well. You will never get in trouble with the courts for sticking exactly to the CS order and not offering a penny more. If your BF wants to provide something, he should provide the physical item (i.e. shoes), not money. You will find more often than not, that extra money isn't actually going to buy for the child.
A lot of these HCBMs like to try to obtain as much money as possible. If they can acquire more from their ex, it is less they have to contribute toward the child out of their own pocket. Yes, school shoes are covered under CS, as are clothes and supplies. If the child needs glasses, BM needs to provide the medical bill after insurance paid and you should have a cost share outlined in your CO. There should also be an annual minimum that BM has to pay before she can request medical reimbursement. BM doesn't just get to ask for extra money without giving valid proof of the medical expense.
In our situation, due to HCBM, we provide everything SS needs for our household and BM provides everything he needs for her household. She buys Christmas gifts for their house and we do for our house. Nothing goes between the homes. It keeps it simpler this way. There is also no passing of money unless it is a court ordered medical reimbursement or if DH agrees to pay half for an extracurricular (which we don't do anymore because BM was abusing that by overscheduling during our parenting time.)
No order involved between
No order involved between these two knuckleheads. Need to hear all of this because it's been on my mind for years.
Without a CS order, your BF
Without a CS order, your BF is playing a dangerous game. BM could petition the courts for CS plus backpay, saying he never paid a dime for years. This would result in hefty arrearages and if BF doesn't have proof of payment, he would be stuck. Not having a CS order gives BM too much power to demand money and blurs the financial lines.
I would recommend getting a CS order in place and paying exactly as it dictates. Not a penny more or less.
Sorry I think I got confused.
Sorry I think I got confused. I thought you meant custody. He does play child support. Is that CS?
Not sure about AU.. .but in
Not sure about AU.. .but in the US.. there is a custody order that included what is to be paid for Child Support... and that will usually also include any medical or educational or other expenses that the parents may split for their child. The CO (custody order).. will usually also dictate details of custody/visitation.
In the US.. if you do NOT have an official child support agreement.. the man is at risk of the woman going to court and getting one put into place.. and ALL the money and support he may have paid prior may not end up being considered child support.. so the court will assess a back CS amount that he should have paid.. so what people are saying is that if he doesn't have a legal agreement to pay CS.. maybe none of what he has given her will count.. and he will end up with a huge balance owed.
Do you know how they came up with the amount he pays? is it what the govt would say he has to pay.. more? less? CS should cover his portion of the kid's basic expenseses... but for items like medical bills.. prescription glasses.. those could reasonably be determined as split costs
Gifts and clothes? generally each parent should purchase what the kid needs when he is with them.. but if it comes down to the kid wearing ill fitting shoes.. he should be buying a pair...even if it means they go to his mom's . Nope on splitting the christmas gifts.. my DH's ex tried that year after year.. nope.. buy what you can afford.. I will do the same. and if the kid needs "things"... better for dad to buy the "things" directly.. to ensure the kid gets them.
Yes so my partner does pay
Yes so my partner does pay child support. This is through the Government so it's all 100%. He started paying child support when we got together so that was 6 years ago. Before that he would just give her money and then all his tax went to her until the child support was updated and he didn't owe her a penny more. Which is a good thing!
His father is happy to lend a hand with buying him shoes or school clothes or anything that he needs. I just get uneasy with him sending her money direct because we don't see the evidience the money is going to. I would rather him go to the shops himself buy whatever shoes he wants and give them to his kid. Easy. That's a big deal to her but she needs to get over it.
Last year when their child was about to start Primary School the BM wanted my partner to go to the shops with her and buy school clothes together. I wouldn't care if he did that I trust him, he hates her but I could tell on his face that he didn't want to do that but didn't know what to say. I told him that she can give him a list of what school clothes/items he needs and that my partner can go to the shops himself before school starts and buy them. No need to go shopping together. She made it such a big deal like it was so difficult and ended up just buying the school clothes herself.
Unless otherwise stipulated in the Court Order, CS is the extent
of the NCPs obligation to support the CP in raising their child.
Not a penny more. Ever, for anything.
If the NCP is going to support their failed family progeny beyond CS, it should be directly while that kid is with the NCP. To provide additional funds to the CP at the CP's beck and call is a bad move. Nearly every time.
IMHO of course.
CO. He needs a CO. I don't
CO. He needs a CO. I don't know what the laws are where you live, but here, if a guy is just giving a BM money without a CO, it could be considered a gift to the BM, not child support, and he could be on the hook for back child support. How does he even know what amount to pay BM? Is he following the legal guidelines? Is he keeping records of what he pays her, or is he just tossing money at her when she asks? Follow the law. Pay what's ordered, no more, no less. No matter how much the BM whines or gets the kid to whine. Take the emotions out of it. Take BM's ability to manipulate out of the equation.
I believe it is the same law
I believe it is the same law but will need to confirm. I'm from Australia, Victoria.
He doesn't give her money all the time but sometimes will just throw it at her basically. He doesn't give a record of it because he shit with things like that. He should though. His son will call him every week asking for money too. He is just an ATM to them.
As a fellow Aus here.. he
As a fellow Aus here.. he needs to stop giving her money. There are two types of CS. Private agreement or government calculated agreement. If it's private agreement, then he can debate with her if he's giving her enough every month. If it's not private and government calculated (like what we do) then she has to suck it up. Either way he pays her a set amount every month and he does not need to give her anymore. She is pushing a boundary and he just needs to say 'Take it out of my child support payments'.
She can take him to mediation if she is unhappy with that but if she's a HCBM like the one we deal with, all she does is look stupid sitting there with her immature petty arguments and eventually not attend. This will mean your DH will get the form to say she refused mediation and he will have the power to take HER to court if he has too. It doesn't look good on our family court if one parent refuses to attend mediation as a first step.
Sometimes DH will meet BM halfway and offer to pay half of a fee for the skids.. but not often that happens. He pays her $400 a month at the moment for 50/50 so there is no excuse for BM to ask for more money in our case.
Sounds about right. It's
Sounds about right. It's government calculated. 'Take it out of my child support payments' will be useful otherwise my partner is happy to go to the shops himself and buy his kid something that he needs without sending her extra cash.
That's fine he wants to do
That's fine he wants to do that, but she can get off her ass and do the same thing. DH buys the shoes for our house and let's the skids wear them back to and fro, and buys a second back up pair for ours too. He doesn't do it for her, he does it for the skids and his own benefit. This BM is pushing her boundary IMO and he needs to just not reply to her petty shopping dates demands and communicate about the big budget things like school fees, extra curricular activities sort of thing. That's where my DH meets BM half way but he won't give her an extra dime to her for school clothes, shoes, food ect for her home when he pays her an adequate amount every month that easily covers it.
Nothing beyond CS simplifies it all.
Any other spend, IMHO, should only occur within the NCP's household during their time with their kids.
An NCP should pay only what is COd. CS and CS only.
If additional items are stipulated in the CO, pay those too. But not one cent more should go to the other parent. If you and your mate want to provide for the Skid in addition to CS, then do it directly and you control it.
Giving it to BM you have zero say or control over how she spends it.
In our CO, the SpermClan was COd to pay CS, half of any medical related expenses not covered by insurance, provide medical insurance for SS, and pay for their half of his visitation travel. They never paid a penny more. In fact, they still owe us about $20K in their half of medical expenses. We bill them twice a year after applying increasing penalties and interest (using the IRS tables).
We do not let them forget that their stench does not end.
IMHO of course.
If he doesn't have a court
If he doesn't have a court order, then this is a problem of his own making. He should get a court order and then follow it. How did they determine the amount of CS that's being paid? Did they use official guidelines or just pick a number out of the air? If the latter, he could be overpaying, or he could be underpaying. Paying without a court order is risky - at least in the US.
The child support is through
The child support is through the government so it's all offical but she continues to ask him for money.
No is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence. Your partner should practice saying it so he's ready for next time BM asks.
I receive CS for my kids and
I receive CS for my kids and my DH pays CS for his son.
I personally believe that things like clothes should be covered by CS. However, I don't see anything wrong with splitting school supplies, sports equipment, and other big ticket items. At the end of the day, your BF doesn't have to pay a dime over that CS value but if he chooses to, just make sure he isn't coming up short on what you guys need to live.
That's right. He is happy to
That's right. He is happy to help but sometimes she could ask for money the week that our electricity bill, his car insurance is and we have like $50 until next pay. She lives rent free with her family. She has the money.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with saying "I can't help this pay period, but I will plan and budget for $__ for my next paycheck".
Though a consistent NO! is far easier to manage with these types
of people.
Never deviate from the CO/CS order, and there is far less opportinity for manipulation. When the asks come, send them a SNIP of the spreadsheet showing the amount of CS paid since the CO was ordered. That tends to shut the beggers up very well.
'See attached. To date I have provided you with $xx,xxx.xx in support for my children. What have you done with that money? This represents my entire responsibility for the financial support of my childrne when they are with you. Why aren't you providing them with the clothing that I have already given you the money for? Hmmmmm? Splain me that please.'
IMHO of course.
I would say day to day items
I would say day to day items she needs to use child support. New shoes, that's what child support. But if they BOTH agree on a big ticket item for Christmas (like a VR head set) if DH doesn't mind paying half, then it's fine to chip in. Or if the skid needs glasses/braces, that's OK too... but new clothes, new shoes, a hair cut, school supplies, that's what child support is for.
Can he ask for amended
Can he ask for amended support? Here, parents can now ask for a modification if income goes up of down with the other parent. ( used to be a certain % and that was that). My BD does the amended with her ex every 3 years but her husband divorced under the old % system)
if the BM is working and no expenses, here she would lose support if her income goes up
Yes you can do estimates here
Yes you can do estimates here or go by tax return income. From my understanding an estimate is once every financial year or if you don't update it, the CS will go by your employer income certificate and that usually prompts to get your tax done and go by that figure moving forward. It's so much better now as the lying single parents can't get away with false estimates anymore.. you just have to wait until the next year to get the money back though.