BMs BBQ
Currently disengaging after 13 long, hard years. BM invited us to a BBQ Sunday which she normally has always done. It's only right since she has maintained a total relationship with DHs family (her ex-in-laws). DHs 3 adult kids will be there and ice me out. BM will be totally hospitable towards me and DH will think its on the lever. No thank you. Anyhow, I told him let's decline because I have too much to do at home. He tells BM and she keeps the door opened by saying "well come for coffee if you change your mind". So then DH says "oh maybe we can do that". Can anyone give me a tip on avoiding this? I don't want to tell hime straight out "no" because it will undermine my weekend and that is exactly what BM wants. BTW, if it comes up that we wants to go can I let hime go alone?? What are the ramifications???
Have a BIG list of things to
Have a BIG list of things to do this weekend so that you simply don't have the time. Give him a honey do list and keep him busy too.
If DH says he wants to go there isn't much you can do about it. I wouldn't be happy about it, especially if there is a big bag of dirt that needs to be put into the garden or the garage was only half cleaned out but you have to let some things go.
THANK YOU!!
THANK YOU!!
You would forbid him? How
You would forbid him?
How would you feel if he forbid you to do something?
He's an adult, as are you. You are also in an adult relationship, partners don't forbid each other from doing things. Or at least they shouldn't.
WOW..these are good comments
WOW..these are good comments and causing me to reflect on my words. Can't say I disagree with much of them. I made an enormous mistake, no a monumental mistake, 13 years ago when we "blended" and the his kids were young. Then, like so many posts I've read, things turned sour as the skids grew up. No need to detail it here but bottom line I had to seek therapy to find my own peace and keep my marriage together while still trying to have self-respect and I've been disengaging for over a year. DH and I agreed no more "happy family" where BM is involved unless we are together for very special events in the lives of his kids (grandson's bday, weddings, etc). I agree I'm wacky to say "let him go"... I need to work on letting go--However, on the other hand I don't want him to stay home for me. In a perfect he would want to stay home and be with me,not there. HIs grandson and kids are going and that is the big draw for him. I have decided to proceed with our busy day. I am hopeful he will drop the idea. In any case, the old me would have relented and gone. I'm thankful for the strength I've had to stay the course. From what I have read it gets better and better to distance when there is toxicity.
If you want to stop it then
If you want to stop it then simply ask him "why do you want to hang out with your Ex on your free time? Is that really something you enjoy?" Obviously if he says yes then you need to figure out why you're still married to a man who's still "dating" his ex. If his kids are grown up then the excuse "for the kids" doesn't work. They can drive; they can visit...you get my drift? I agree you don't "let" him go or "forbid" him to do anything because he's a grown adult but I think what they're trying to say is: why would you let him think you are okay with him hanging out with her?" If you don't want to go them be honest and tell him "hanging out with your ex wife is not what I call a fun time even if your kids are there to play family" and be done with it.
You have to give him a better
You have to give him a better reason to stay home with you than spend time with his ex. }:)
It isn't about 'allowing' him. It is about manipulating him into staying home with you or doing something with you that is far better than hanging out with his ex even if his family is there. Be it choosing new lawn furniture or choosing paint colours or doing the horizontal tango.
My SD56 and SGD30
My SD56 and SGD30 (mother/daughter) still manipulate these BBQ's (next one in June). I don't attend and I say nothing to DH, it is his problem.
My SD wants her "Daddy" to be part of the family, whatever?????
I don't waste my time; of course we've been married 36 years and SD has always lived in the past and now SGD has joined the team.
Yes, I know how you feel; the stupid games get old. I haven't seen these women in months and do not intend to attend their "Family gatherings".
My DH wants me to go with him, because I did it for years. I don't ask him to do anything he doesn't feel good about; I remind him of this, when I decline, and he pouts.
Their problem, not my problem.
Wait, the granddaughter is 30
Wait, the granddaughter is 30 and you have been married for 36 years!!!
She wants something that she's never known? That's bizarre!
I would stay far away from these crazy women too.
If you've been attending
If you've been attending 'BM's BBQ's' for 13 years, I just have to ask, WHY? That's an awfully long time to be playing big happy family with the BM. I understand what you were attempting to do, but in the end, it didn't work out any better for you, did it? My guess is, because it wasn't really about the kids, at least not for the BM.
So, fast forward... the kids are grown and being haters, the BM is still 'attached' to the in-laws, etc., etc., etc.
Time to take back YOUR marriage. Other than BIG 'life events', your DH needs to cut the damn cord already. Start your own 'new' tradition. I'm sure you can explain to him that it's time to end the insanity, and learn to live your lives minus the XW.