Distancing
Not giving advice here but sharing my own experience for others. DH and I are together for 13 years. He has 3 children; now 31, 27, and 25. AS teenagers we took them everywhere, on vacations, shopping trips, etc. I lavished them with beautiful gifts, helped them with decisions, etc. THE BM is alone by choice and as they got older I noticed in subtle was they were distancing from me--silent treatment, lack of Bday gifts, no more Mother's Day cards. Now they call DH outside our home or when they call his cell at home they never ask to say hello to me. The older one has let her son embrace me as Nana which is a gift but other than that, I have become an invisible woman. We tried to confront the situation and I was called a "pot stirrer" and told "you can't make people like you". I have gone through confusion, anger, grief, anger again, and so on. My DH and I have engaged in wicked arguing because I used to think he could fix it. This has caused us both tremendous hurt. Saturday is the last wedding of the 2 Skids and I cannot wait for it to be over as it causes alot of contact leading to more disregard of me. I tried for years to find the root cause--is the BM undermining? what did I do wrong? etc. There is no answer other than they came from dysfunction and there is damage I cannot tackle and further damage that I do not want in MY life. I still have challenges with the situation but the only peace I have managed to create for myself is reading about this tyoe of situation and distancing. The gifting had to stop--it is acutally resented. I no longer create house parties for them to come over. No more silly texts to say hi to them. In their company I say hello and move on to speak with other people. This is hard because I am a social person, I spent 38 years as a teacher so I love kids and I know how to relate to them. It goes against all I think about children. If I could do this over again, I would not get close to them from the start. I wish I had treated them like children of a neighbor. I would't have gone through the grieving, the loss, the near divorce, etc. I continue to work on my own issues with the anger. It has even caused me to enter therapy. My DH thinks someday things will improve but I am so done that it is very sad to consider improvements. I get that they have issues and I try to continually remind myself that I cannot fix damaged people and I must protect my own good karma and health. Good luck to my sisters in this situation.
I think you've got a right to
I think you've got a right to feel hurt. I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing. As someone without kids of my own, I'm scared of a future like this. The reality that this could happen makes me hesitant to get close to my skids.
"My DH and I have engaged in wicked arguing because I used to think he could fix it."
He CAN fix some of it. He can insist that his kids respect you as his partner. If they call him to speak to him and don't ask about you or ask to speak to you, it is rude. If he allows the rudeness, then he is failing you.
He can say something like "It hurts me that you're not trying to keep up a relationship with Kinder1. She's done so much for you and she's my life partner. I would appreciate it if you would take steps to rebuild the closeness that you once had. And if you don't want to bother, know that you are making a choice to hurt me, too."
"I tried for years to find the root cause--is the BM undermining? what did I do wrong? etc. There is no answer other than they came from dysfunction and there is damage I cannot tackle and further damage that I do not want in MY life"
The root cause doesn't matter. They're doing it because your DH has allowed them to do it. They've marginalized you, which is very disrespectful to his life partner. And he's seemingly timid to put his foot down with them, which just allows it to go on longer.
"My DH thinks someday things will improve "
The will not improve without his helping them to improve. He's the one with the power with his kids. You've got none. You can't do it on your own by just being nice. They've been allowed the power to exclude you and ice you out. Your DH should have stepped in a long time ago, and by not doing that, he's been showing them that their behavior is acceptable.
Thank you for reaching out
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your passion and concern for my situation. I should have given more information regarding my DH's actions. Indeed, he has tried all of the approaches you have suggested over the last 5 years this has been happening; reasoning about their rudeness, about my caring for them, telling them how it hurts him as well, etc, He has actually gotten to the point of pleading with them. On some major things he has insisted they comply. For example, at his daughter's wedding she wanted him to walk in the reception hall with her BM!. He did no such thing and quickly told her it wass't happening. His other efforts to discuss, persuade, request, etc. have actually made things worse. The more they are asked, it seems the more they dig in and close ranks. He has continually put me on the phone on his own and it just amounts to an artificial conversation. Hence, they call him outside the house.More information; they pretty much diss him as well. He got no visits at the hospital after a major surgery, as a most recent example. One who lives out of state rarely calls him.So you see, I no longer see the value in him stepping in and believe me he is not "timid". He may in fact have "power with his kids" but he has no capacity to separate from them which is probably the only other option. To that point, I would't even want him to because I not prefer my own distancing it is working out well. They are toxic, damaged and don''t deserve either of us going through more heartache. We both just turned 60 this year. For me, I am no longer begging for attention, much less respect. It's time to let go. I have beautiful nieces and nephews who value my presence and bring me joy. I thank you for pushing the issue here because we all need perspectives in this journey.
Oh sorry--we lived together
Oh sorry--we lived together for 7 years and are now married for 6, total together 13 years. The Skids always lived with the BM and spent alot of vacations, fun times with us. You are touching on something significant; I feel like when we got married things started to decline. I have read that marriage is the reminder to SKids that their parents will never be back together. But, honestly, I am done with trying to figure it out. DH has tried and I have double tried. He put me on the phone in a desperate attempt to get them to say hello to me--not a good move obviously but he so wanted them to be nice like it used to be. Things change and I have accepted it after all my grieving.
Cadence, be mindful of how
Cadence, be mindful of how things can change and tread carefully. It happens very subtly--they get older and start to resent the SM. I have friends (wonderful caring women) who raised SKids who don't even talk to them anymore. Their stories can be seen on this site as well. Make boundaries, tread carefully, and don;t make yourself too available. Very hard because we are loving maternal beings but it is harder to get kicked in the gut and ave to mourn a loss.
Just accept that they are POS
Just accept that they are POS and be done with them. Erase them from your life 100%. Waste no more time wondering why. I personally would not even allow them near me except under very, very limited conditions.
I have an adult SS who is a total ass. I really don't care why he's an ass or what he is doing. I just choose to have him pretty much not exist in my life. I've seen him twice in the past 3 years (he lives 10 minutes away) for a total of about 15 minutes. I was polite and cordial.
What your DH needs to do is to stop even mentioning their names to you. I wouldn't go to that wedding either.
You are supportive and I
You are supportive and I aspire to your level of detachment. I am getting to a good space like you did over the past year--no discussion of them, I don't go to minor social events, etc.If I don't go to the wedding it will embaras my husband and he doesn't deserve it. This is my gift to him who btw has been the victim of their meanness continually as well. It has been very freeing, the distancing, but I want others to know it isn't easy to get there especially when there was a relationship in the past. For me it took counseling, lots of tears, confusion, lots of hard conversations with DH who tried to do his best to make things work. I did alot of reading as well which gave me a good perspective on the systems of step families. These chat are very helpful because it can make you think you are losing you mind sometimes.
This is so me! The only
This is so me! The only difference between you and myself; I let it go on for 30+ years, with my grown SD56 and now my grown SGD31 (mother/daughter). The past six years I have been disengaging (distancing); it is hell. I will never go back to being treated, the way I let myself be treated. I also asked my DH to help out; it didn't work out, so I took control. It took about 2 years for my grown SD to back off; she thought I would buckle to her.
Do not seek their approval and let it all go. I'm with you, when you describe the grief. I wish I had NEVER been close to my SD and SGD; they are very mean women. I am not the only family member they mistreat. SD and SGD are extremely mean to SD's DIL36 (our grandson's wife). They are even meaner to SD's own son (our grandson 37). I know this is nothing but jealousy. SGD30 is a half sister to our grandson37; she wants her parents all to herself and SGD has caused so many heartaches in DH's and SD's family. SGD30 HAS to be the center of attention and actually will set everything up so that happens. It is so weird to me, but my DH doesn't see it. So with heartache, I had to let it all go, six years ago. These women are also very rude to our daughter-in-law at family gatherings. So, I'm not alone.
I have no bio children now; I lost my two teen sons in a car accident years ago; therefore, I have to move on and enjoy life, as my sons would have, without me. There are lots of parents that have tragically lost their children and it cannot be reversed. I am good now and moving forward.
I believe in KARMA and every now and then, it visits my SD and SGD; it makes me smile and I say nothing.
With all of this said, I get along well with my two grown SSs, daughter-in-law, and SGS and his family; why? Because I never was too close to them; I treated them as a friend's adult children. They have respect for me and have never mistreated me. SD and SGD falsely pretended to be good friends and then turned on me, because they formed their own click, and I didn't agree with everything they were saying and doing (many occasions) to our SGS and his family.
I would treat your SD's as if they were dead and move on with your life; the grief will heal. That is what I do with my SD and SGD. They're nothing to me any longer and never will be. I went thru worse grief and this one will also heal.
How generous you are with
How generous you are with your sharing. Oh wait, you touched on another important pattern--my Stepkids are also mean and exclusionary to others who come into the family such as brother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. First they embrace the newcomer, and after them build trust and bond, the ridicule begins, then the hating, then the exclusion--everything from talking to them in the same room to excluding them from wedding parties where others are asked to participate. This speaks to the people they are and the lack of values.People are dispensable to them. It is horrible to watch. My SS just married a lovely girl and I see she is the new target. It is not my job to interfere but I see what is coming. As I mentioned, I just turned 60 and I intend to be grateful for the good things and continue to separate from the negative. But my sisters, be aware, it is a hard road to get to this point.
I'll admit I'm afraid of this
I'll admit I'm afraid of this happening to me.
I love my skids. In fact I posted a blog about how my SD(26) is sweet, respectful and thanks me for the things I do for her.
DH and I have been together for 9 years this summer. We have been through hell and kept going, not with the skids but life.
I think that I get along with the skids because I treat them the same way I treat my best friends kids. I don't hold back when I think they are behaving like asses but I also don't parent them. I'm the cool Auntie.
I've never come between DH and his kids. I encourage him to spend time alone with them. He and SD have dinner without me about once a month. Last weekend SS(24) was in town and the 3 of them went to play golf. I stayed home and gardened.
We do lots of things together with my son as well. Vacations, family Christmases, dinners. It's a kind of odd blended family where instead of siblings they are more like cousins.
I know it all could change. Life has a way of changing in an instant. But for now I'm going to enjoy my skids and if I get snubbed at a wedding or family outing in the future I'll deal with it then.
Happy for you and I hope you
Happy for you and I hope you have this relationship forever. I gave my DH lots of space too and even bowed out of some special things like when they were younger so he and BM were more involved with them. I have included the BM at some functions to respect them as well--big mistake--it clouded boundaries, set a precedent, and in a weird way I thing they resented that we got along. The whole Stepfamily system can be very tricky. It sounds like you are having good luck. I agree you should't worry about the future but you are wise to read these stories and file them. I had no idea what issues could arise and i should have made better decisions.
We have nothing at all to do
We have nothing at all to do with BM and never have. We are polite to her and she to us in public but we would never sit together at a function.
Before I came onto the scene she decided that they should have a clean break. She thought that people would want to keep her as a friend when in fact they dumped her and kept him.
She was very close to MIL and right after the break up she was complaining to her about DH.
MIL looked at her and said he's my son and I feel about him the way you feel about your son. How would you feel if someone talked about your son to you the way you are talking to me right now?
That was it, BM has only been polite to MIL since but cut off all contact with her. Skids love both Grandma and Grandpa and they have a great relationship.
BM is the type of person that if you are not fully on her side, you are against her. So she ended up with no friends in their small town and eventually moved away.
DH and I know from mutual acquaintances that BM talks shite about us all the time but I think the skids see through it. They realize that BM is angry and insecure and that we aren't any of the things she says we are. They see her insecurities and so they listen to her but don't hear her, if that makes sense?
There have been no grads, both skids skipped them and no weddings or babies yet. I know DH will never allow me to be segregated and I doubt the skids or BM will want to pretend to be a family for a wedding so we'll just have to wait and see what the future holds.
Lucky for you. My Skids used
Lucky for you. My Skids used to see through the BM and as they got older they came to canonize her. One thing I read about and learned is that the step system is ever changing. Unfortunately, I was ill prepared for this journey and I made lots of bad decisions. DH and I regret alot of what we did thinking it was one big happy blended family--big mistake. I am only sharing so that others may think before they are quick to open their lives up to the BM and BTW she and my MIL are BFFs! We decided we have to move on and make our own lives and cannot control others and their relationships. You say your DH will not allow you to be segregated--what does that mean? Short of disowning them, my DH has done all he could. They are adults at this point and cannot be forced to acknowledge me. They say hello and good-bye. He basically gets much of the same treatment. There is alot of baggage with SKids (not excusing bad behavior) however, they are damaged and unless the get into serious professional help they cannot connect in healthy ways. Nevertheless, I'm 60 years old and I deserve to be done with it, meaning I place my love and caring elsewhere.
I mean that he would never
I mean that he would never sit at a parents table while I sit in the back at a wedding or ceremony of some kind. He would insist that I'm with him or he wouldn't go.
I can see my skids listening more to BM as they get older, teens always think they know everything but realize as they grow up that Mom and Dad aren't idiots.
SS seems to defend BM more and more. He makes excuses for her and goes out of his way to praise her and make us think her stupid decisions are brilliant. We never say a bad thing about her, to the skids at least, we just smile and wish the best for her. I should say it's not just us he defends her to. It everyone from what I've seen.
SD seems almost the opposite. She's been fighting and disagreeing more and more with BM. BM has always tried to control her and SD isn't listening to her any more. She still praise BM and tells her BM is the reason she (SD) is the person she is but it's almost as a way to shut up BM these days.
I'm glad that you are moving on and taking care of yourself and DH. You can not control other people, you can only control the way you react to them. Choose to remember the fun times and go make some great new memories, just you and DH!
Agree on all points..My DH
Agree on all points..My DH has insisted I be with him and in these cases he put his foot down. That is very significant and it has kept me going through lots of painful situations. Here is a potential situation when you have young SKids and then they get older: They are young and don't think about feelings of guilt or protecting the BM..as teens they rebel and like everyone else. My SD hated the BM and the other SD was even worse. The SS liked to be with us because he felt more mature.BM is extremely controlling and we are more the "hippie" types although we carefully supervised them and respected her wishes about dress, etc. In fact we included her in their bday parties we gave and some other social events. I realize this only looking back. When they got into their older 20s and got partners suddenly they worshipped the BM and it became clear they had to distance from not just me but DH as well. I am not sure if she did some handiwork behind the scenes (she is clever like a fox) or they just got guilty especially since she is single by choice. In any case it was very painful for us.It was like a wall fell in front of us. Had I know this could be a potential change in the relationship I would have distanced from the beginning. I went into the whole thing totally blind and with my whole heart. Keep connecting with other SMs and work on your approach so you don't get burned. THINK before you do!!