BM's snarky comment...
I try to give BM the benefit of the doubt... but I'm finding it SOOOOO HARD!
Here's the situation: For the past year, SD7 has lived with BM M-F and with us on weekends. Over the summer, she requested to live with us instead. We all talked it through, and we all decided to grant her request (except after BM found out I was pregnant, she tried to switch it back... but that's a story for another day).
To spare you a crazy long post, here's the breakdown of SD7's life at our house versus with her mom:
OUR PLACE
-Has her own room, which we've lovingly decorated to include pictures of her with her family and friends
-The only other people who live there are me and DH
-We have a safe, four-door sedan
-We pick her up DIRECTLY after work
-We took her with us on trips to Georgia and New York
-We pay her insurance, her lunch money, and for anything else she needs
-We dress her in skirts, dresses, and nice pants for school; play clothes for play
-When her mom has her, DH calls every night to say goodnight
BM'S PLACE
-Sleeps in a toddler bed in the corner of BM's bedroom with her BF
-Lives in the basement of a house with maybe 8 other people living there
-BM drives a Charger (and has been known to have open beer in the car when dropping SD7 off)
-When staying with BM, SD7 gets left at daycare until it closes (1 hour before bedtime) so she can "play with other kids." BM also leaves SD7 with her mom frequently
-BM leaves town every other week or so to go to the beach, go to parties, and never brings SD7
-BM doesn't pay for anything, as far as we can tell (just found out grandma is the one buying the clothes), but tells DH he doesn't "do enough." Meanwhile she and her BF have gotten into sports gambling. She had her mom empty her 401k to help her pay off all her debts.
-BM dresses her in leggings and t-shirts with a messy ponytail practically every day
-BM has not called to speak to her child in the past three weeks, although we called her so SD7 could say goodnight a few times
...It's frustrating.
A couple weeks ago, we took SD7 on a lovely vacation to see my family... she went swimming almost every day, got to ride in (and help drive) a boat, went to the aquarium and a puppet show, and was generally showered with attention from everyone around. We don't usually spoil her, but we think a kid deserves a nice vacation. Then, she stayed with DH's family before school started. Apparently she didn't ask about her mom the whole time, but she asked about DH and me a bunch. Meanwhile, we were switching bedrooms with her, so she'd have more space when the baby comes.
So today was the first day of school. I had taken her shopping for some new school clothes and shoes, and we picked out her first-day-of-school outfit together. She was super excited about it... until this morning. Suddenly she was really grumpy. As it turns out, she had snuck her iPad into bed after we said goodnight. Who knows how long she was awake.
We decided to drive her to school today, even though she usually takes the bus. When we got there, we took a picture of her in front of the school. DH sent it to BM (he's really nice like that - he sends her pictures of SD7 on vacation, at the zoo, etc). Her snarky comment: "She looks nervous. Is she ok?"
REALLY!?!!
I get it; she might not have meant anything by it. But DH read into it that she thinks he's a sub-par parent. He's pretty upset. I mean, she hasn't called to talk to her child in 3 weeks! We asked yesterday if she'd like us to swing her by for a visit, because she hasn't seen her in so long, and she said "Unfortunately I'm out of town."
I just don't get how you can (apparently) care so little about your own child, but then make other people feel like they're doing a bad job with her.
UGHH!
Thank you! The fact that she
Thank you! The fact that she wouldn't call to ask if SD is OK is what makes it so hypocritical... it's like she doesn't actually care, just wants to make DH feel bad.
She's trying to make him feel
She's trying to make him feel bad because she knows she sucks.
My ex is a subpar parent with our BS8. He makes stupid comments all the time. He does it because he sucks even though I dont think he fully realizes it as he is a narsacisstic. (sorry I know I spelled that wrong.
I do EVERYTHING for our son. Anything helpful when it comes to BS comes from my ex's mom or sister.
Just know that you are doing a good job.
Would you ever consider getting full custody?
So I thought! So sorry you're
So I thought! So sorry you're going through this.
We would absolutely consider seeking full custody. However, where we live, judges typically side with BMs. So it seems like we might end up worse off than we were before.. seeing her less, actually paying money to BM as opposed to just taking care of SD7's needs.
As it stands, we have joint custody, with no court-sanctioned arrangement as to who has SD7 when. Luckily, BM has been mostly peaceful in that regard.
Oh, no. He didn't send the
Oh, no. He didn't send the photo until after we dropped SD off. At that point she was happy to see her teacher and get the day started. BM didn't call or text or anything to send her kid off, so we didn't go out of our way to include her in that moment.
But you're totally right about BM wanting to ruin every positive feeling she has when she's with us. Last year, BM signed SD up for soccer... which was one the weekends (our days). We happily carted her back and forth, but seeing BM there was a total disruption. She'd pull SD aside when it was time to go and baby talk to her about how much she would miss her. And then SD would burst into tears as we took her back to our place because she missed her mom.
I'm not sure what's worse... when BM did that, or when she just stopped showing up to SD's soccer games at all. The weird part is, SD played better than ever when her mom wasn't there. I'll try not to read too much into that...
Dumb question: What does PAS stand for?
Ah. Ew.
Ah. Ew.
We have that with skid. BM
We have that with skid. BM won't see or talk to skid for a month, then only uses 1 night of visitation, then says that skid is being "weird" and exaggerates a bunch of things skid said to make skid sound miserable. All to make BM feel better about being a crappy parent. All to make DH feel like he's doing something wrong. Just keep in mind what her end game is and help DH to not let it bother him.
I'm so sorry. Whenever I read
I'm so sorry. Whenever I read stuff like this, I feel better that at *least* BM wants her kid on the weekends... I hope. We'll find out if/when she starts having to go on trips, etc, and leaves her with us week-round.
It's sad. It's like we feel better because we know she's doing such a crappy job as a parent. We wouldn't have that vindication if she weren't such a B.
But the best thing would be if she were just a good mom. I don't know why she finds it so hard to just be a good mom. Freaking call your kid.. it's free. Consider saving money by not going out of town so much, or bring your kid with you. The child loves to travel.
It's like BM has this sense of entitlement because everything was so "hard" for her as a teen mom. Never mind her mom and DH's mom pitched in... a lot... and she's the one who left DH for another man...she has this idea of herself as this beleaguered single parent. Therefore, everyone owes her something. The person who pays for it, of course, is her kid.
UPDATE - DH just picked SD7
UPDATE - DH just picked SD7 up and they called me. You've never heard a happier child's voice. *Phew.*
BM's mindgames had me worried that she really was miserable, and I was having these images of her sulking with her head on the desk and bursting into tears all day.
It was just about the happiest I've ever heard her, actually. I told her I was worried about her this morning and she was like "What-tuh?! You were WORRIED-duh?!"
Crazy little munchkin. So relieved.
Sounds like you have a
Sounds like you have a similar situation as ours. SD10 is with BM M-F, and then we're supposed to get her every other weekend. But because BM would rather go out and party on the weekends, DH and I gladly take her.
This summer BM saw SD a whopping 2 times! Did she call or ask about her? No. So during the entire summer, SD was with us (with her gma while we were at work). SD took swim lessons, went to Bible School, we took her on vacation to a theme park, and to a concert. All while BM is receiving CS the entire summer. BM says she used it to redo SDs room... But DH & I found out she really got $ from DHs grandma (close to $1,000) so she didn't need to use the CS for that. Who knows where the $ actually went.
Like OP we would LOVE to go after full custody, but DH fears that could backfire- and we'll end up seeing SD less and paying more CS. SD is constantly mentioning that she wants to live with us. So I guess we're gonna bide our time until she's 13 and choose where she wants to live (I know that's no guarantee, but its where we stand for no).
Isn't it just wonderful,
Isn't it just wonderful, knowing the courts will likely side with the BM, no matter what?
Because BM didn't contribute at all to the payment for the divorce, we got really lucky. My DH proposed a really loose joint custody agreement with no set days or times. So when SD7 decided she wanted to live with us most of the time, it wasn't going against the order of the court or anything like that. AND somehow DH doesn't pay child support... not to BM anyway. He pays all of SD7's expenses directly (thank goodness you can do this stuff online!)
We're very lucky.
So so lucky - DH pays out the
So so lucky - DH pays out the butt for CS and we still end up paying for most stuff, and clothes as she will 'lose' them when he goes to her house but what she sends him in his way to big if it is a school or anything public day we don't feel like we can send him back in it.
I'm so sorry... I had no idea
I'm so sorry... I had no idea how conservative I was about kids' school clothes until I became a stepparent. I absolutely HATED when we'd pick SD7 up from school to find her wearing leggings and a messy ponytail.. it looked like her mom dumped her straight out of bed and into the car.
Aside from the messy, lazy clothes, I'm also not in love with her "fancier" clothes. She has this one outfit I sent back to her mom's house and hope I never see again-it's like a glitter ruffle butterfly explosion!
I had no idea I felt this way, but I only feel good sending her off in stuff like shirt dresses, skorts, walking shorts, etc. The hair remains a challenge, but I'm figuring out some ways to do it in the morning so it looks somewhat human-like by the time she comes home.
I understand I have a SS
I understand I have a SS instead of SD so we don't so much have to deal with the hair - I will say BM did good on the first day of school but she will stop caring and SS will wear stuff that doesn't match or I could probably fit in the in. I dress conservative and so does DH - DH is the typical polo shirt, starched jeans and boots guy. This is what SS wants to wear so he can be like his dad - and yes DH pays to get his pants starched. If he doesn't wear a polo it will be a cute shirt and it will have to be a day I know we are picking him up - we try to change him back into BM's clothes before we return him but it doesn't always work.
I understand certain outfits if she sends him over in a absurd shirt like there was one obnoxious shirt that was bright green with some writing on it - I don't do graphic shirts much I do they are from Khols and just have like a truck on them no writing, well SS went riding that day and we changed him into a white tshirt and play pants he went back in this - the shirt has now been 'lost' I figure if she can lose NICE shirts I can lose shirts that are way to big and just completely absurd for SS to wear - I know I may get some slack for saying this but to me we lose so many clothes and she dresses him so absurdly I would rather swap sometimes to ensure he has nice white shirts or other shirts instead of just trashy ones.
As for your SD's hair that would be the least of my worry she is a child it will not stay no matter what you do - to me if she comes home with messy hair from playing if she is wearing nice clothes it is still a wonderful reflection on your home.
Thank you! That's so nice of
Thank you! That's so nice of you.
For what it's worth, if you do ever have a girl, there's a hairstyle that actually seems to stay in place for growing out bangs... I braid two little sections in the front and criss-cross them in the back, securing them in pigtails - so the right braid ends up in the left pigtail and the left braid ends up in the right pigtail.
It looks super cute and keeps her bangs out of her face.
Victory!
The other really great thing I've noticed is that kids' clothes brands (at least for girls) have started putting adjustable straps inside the pants/skirts. So you can buy it a little big and tighten it on the inside, letting it out as she grows. As a pregnant lady, I wish my pants had that.:)
Wow this almost sounds like I
Wow this almost sounds like I could have written it! My SD5 is with us every other week (50/50). Our house- SD has her own room, decorated the way she likes, we have dogs that she loves, only family lives here (her, DH and I), DH and I both work. BM's house- Currenly living with her third baby daddy's mother. SD does not even have her own bed, much less her own room. BM pushes SD off on other people so she can go out, party, do drugs, and get knocked up by more random men (she has 3 kids by 3 different men & never married to any of them).
It's really hard when your way of life is so much different than the BM's. On one hand, I feel like SD should be with us where she has a real home with her family. On the other hand, I don't think BM should be able to get away with not taking SD on her scheduled weeks. SD is HER responsibility after all.
BM's favorite thing to say to my DH whenever he tells her no to something or diagrees with her is "YOUR WIFE"... she claims I am the reason DH won't take SD more. Whatever. He has her more than half the time. Take care of your damn kid. Gosh I can't stand that woman! Definitely feel your pain and frustration.
Solidarity! The hard reality
Solidarity!
The hard reality I'm having to swallow is that it's actually better for SD if BM is in the picture. She might be a total crackwh*re who's also lazy and entitled, but she's the child's mother. It's not like she gave her up for adoption before SD could remember who she was.
So I have to encourage this relationship between SD and BM, even though it pains me. I encourage DH to send BM pictures of SD on our vacations, the first day of school, etc. I call BM so SD can say goodnight. I tell SD "Go hug your mom," when BM drops her off.
Does BM deserve this? NO! But SD deserves to feel loved by her mother.
...Sigh...
^^ I like the way you put