Boundaries
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I dont agree with partners parenting style and have been told that he will raise his child how he wants and for me not to worry about it. So for my sanity, I have asked for there to be house boundaries for his 8 year old son when he sleeps over. At the moment, he sleeps in the living room and stays up late watching TV and playing video games. His father doesnt want to put him in a room because SS is afraid of the other side of the house. I told partner that i would like SS to have his own room and to have a bedtime. Partner's response was that i have an opinion but at the end it will be his decision. He said we will find another house where the room is closer to ours. Is this normal? Has anyone experienced this and overcome this?
You mean, has anyone
You mean, has anyone experienced crappy parenting and overcome crappy parenting? It's only possible if the parent in question is willing, sounds like your partner has his mind made up that he's doing okay. Which, he is not.
He needs to deal with his kid's fear and teach him coping mechanisms, not cater to him and let him do whatever he wants.
My SD was afraid of the dark when she was young, wanted us to leave all of the lights on. There was no way that I was doing that and my DH agreed. We taught her that there wasn't any reason to be afraid of the dark. But, my DH was a parent, not SD's best friend. Don't get me wrong, they had plenty of fun together and he can be a big kid, but he knew when to be her parent.
Does him allowing his son to
Does him allowing his son to do this affect your directly? If not - let him parent as he sees fit. I don't agree with it, personally, but he's right - it's his decision to make. I'd draw the line in areas that it does affect you directly.
But - you said "for the sake of your sanity", so maybe in some way this does affect you?
long game
Obviously, your partner is playing the long game. He wants his son, when he is old enough to express a preference in court, to say he wants to live with Dad. What teen boy wouldn't want to live in the house where he can stay up all night and play video games?
So if you think it's bad now, just wait. It can get worse.
So? He's going to buy a new
So? He's going to buy a new house and everyone has to pack up and move because SS is scared of the dark?
LMAO. Very sound reasoning.
I don't understand why a
I don't understand why a parent would want their kid's room to be that close to their own room, even if the kid just visits occasionally. He might hear you guys being intimate, and to me that would just be uncomfortable.
I might hold an unpopular opinion but kids need a bed time and they also need someone to limit their screen times. After a certain time (whatever is considered age appropriate) kids should go to bed and let the adults hang out and relax.
I can attest to this. We had
I can attest to this. We had to convert our room to two rooms so skids could be near us.
Intimacy is gone, even on off days because we can see childrens rooms. It's just, off. We don't have our space.
When we get a new house, maybe more will spark. Im uncertain.
You have a SO problem
He not letting you express or give any input into his parenting. If he lets his kid control where he sleeps and Ed time. What next. That not parenting. You are in for a long dark road. Where you are second to SS
One child cannot be tolerated
One child cannot be tolerated to dominate the rest of the family and consume the common areas of the home.
Your DH needs a foot up his ass to give him clarity on this point. Time to put everyone else in the home on a rotating "displace the demon" schedule where they consume the common area so the 8yo has no choice but to move to a room.
No letting him watch what he wants to watch, no letting him consume the TV for gaming, nothing. Where ever he is, everyone else should be on top of him, changing the channel, putting in their own game of choice, etc....
Your DH's "shut up it is my decision" crap would have me finding a new life partner if I were you.
No one buys a house to please an 8yo. The 8yo needs to be put in his place and forced to grow up. This is a hill to die on and if you don't fight and win this battle now, you will be fighting it for the rest of your life with this kid catering, 8yo worshiping non man.
What's with these kids and
What's with these kids and their weird phobias? My exes daughter was afraid of sinks and toilets with automatic on and off switches. She refused to go to the bathroom in a restroom that didn't have a manual glider/faucet or else she would throw a tantrum and cry for 20 minutes. When we were on vacation/on the road my ex would allow his daughter to decide wether or not she wanted to use a restroom and where. It was just crazy. It would add hours and stress to our day needlessly. Catering to these kids and their weird phobias is not the answer.
(No subject)
Fear of automatic toilets is
Fear of automatic toilets is not uncommon. Many parents of young children travel with post-it notes to cover the sensors to deal with this. It's a PITA, though.
Yes this type of phobia is
Yes this type of phobia is very common in children. What is not common is a parent allowing this child's phobia to dictate everyone else's lives and schedules.
That this is a thing is
That this is a thing is shocking. That parents would cater to it is pathetic.
I certainly understand that kids can be frightened of a variety of things, but a toilet or sink is not something that can reasonably be avoided. The post it note thing is a great idea though.
My SS was mortified of trains. When he was 2yo we lived in a rental property that bordered rail road tracks. While we were moveing in the first thing we did was set up his play scape in the back yard and put all of his outdoor toys out for him to play with. He was 2yo. While his mom and I were inside a train went by and the kid freaked. The Engineer would blast the air horn several times as the train transited past our neighborhood. I spent a lot of time working with hiim to get him over his train phobia. Eventually SS would get on his play scape and wave to teh Engineers as the trains went buy while giving the them the "pull the horn" hand motion. It took a while and we had a bunch of screaming panic episodes when trains would go by.
Just wait until he figures
Just wait until he figures out he can fabricate phony phobias to make the adults dance. Then the fun really begins.
Non stop drama for yearrrrrrs.
Common space vs private space
Perhaps you should talk to your partner about the difference between common space vs private space in a home.
The living room is common space. What if someone else wants to use the living room when SS is sleeping in there. What if guests arrive and your SS is sleeping in the living room. It's supposed to be a space that all can use, not a space that one person claims as their own. If you have a room that SS can use as a bedroom (private space), then he should use it. If he is afraid maybe your partner can sleep in there with him the first few nights to show him everything is okay and then he'll be fine. An 8 year old is old enough to work through their fears in a supported way.
I have no issue with a bio
I have no issue with a bio parent saying that he will parent as he chooses and doesn't require input from his partner, provided that the bio parent's parenting/skid's behavior doesn't adversely affect the partner. In this case, having a child in the common area making noise and monopolizing the tv DOES affect others. Having to move to accommodate skid's irrational fears affects others. I suspect there are other behaviors that affect others too.
Of course, the corollary of "sole say in parenting" is that the bio parent has sole responsibility in parenting, and the partner should not be expected to contribute time, money or effort to the child, and should not be expected to tolerate bad behavior. Most of these "sole say" parents live on a one-way street, though.
Also what is with these step
Also what is with these step kids not sleeping and staying in their own beds. It seems they always want in the parents room/bed or living room to sleep.
One of the 1st things I put the Kaibosh on
... was letting SSthen12 sleep in the living room. Nope, nope, nope.
I also Noped out of DH putting a sound-system in for SS xbox... compromise was bluetooth headphones.
When SS ignored bedtime, I just took the house wifi power cord to the safe. Got a lot of sleep that way.
No couch camping
In the beginning it was common for SDnow20 to "couch camp", and have her water glass, a juice glass, a bag of snacks, her tissues and her asthma thing.
I put the stop on that, and DH backed me up because it was simply gross (shes a pig).
SDnow13, was 8 ish when I came on board, and she had a nightlight, and we made a cool little routine of "tuck time". Shes all good now.
She claims to have "anxiety issues", like her mother and sister.
I think its because she doesnt like getting into trouble and has very little coping mechanisms for dealing with life stress.
SDnow 20 has no drivers license (anxiety!)
no job (anxiety!)
no college (anxiety!)
I call bs on this coddling behavior. Sure, your partner should definitely parent how he wants to. But couch camping is a no-go. Its nothing personal to kiddo. (wink)
The distractions played by
The distractions played by this kind of wasted young adult are many. If she will not perform, she can go.
We had to build a burning platform for my SS in order to get him to step up, live his live and to launch. So we kept adding fuel to the fire, made his presence in the home a day by day and hour by hour thing based on his contribution to the home. Since he did not want a job or to attend college we made him our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kids ass off and if he failed to complete that day's chores he was on the curb for the next.
That kid scrubbed, cleaned, polished, swept, vacuumed, mopped, washed, dried, folded, stripped & remade beds, dusted, scraped, painted, weeded, mulched, trimmed, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, cooked, served, loaded, unloaded, etc, etc, etc,... and the next day he did it all again with periodic additions to his list of household duties.
Eventually, he enlisted in the USAF when he decided if he was going to be told what to do he might as well be payed for it beyond only room and board.... .
She either does as she is told, or put her on the curb. Her choice. She is no longer a child. She is an adult and has no place in the home if she does not continually earn it. Give her clarity. Let her sit on the curb and feel hunger and thirst and she may just find some clarity.
My SS did.
I totally understand
Big hugs to you! I totally understand how you're feeling. I may have missed this in the thread, but does SS sleeping on the couch negatively affect you, other than you just don't like it? Has it affected your private time with DH? Has it kept you from sleeping due to TV noise? Has it prevented you from being able to use the living room? If yes, then I agree you need to work something out with DH. But if it doesn't really affect you outside of you just don't like it, ask yourself if it's really worth the fights it will cause with DH. Sometimes you gotta just suck it up and let things go, as hard as that is to do.