Chores and consequences. Need advice!
I wasn't sure which forum this belongs on so I figured this would work. Among all of our other issues with my skids and my disney dad DH not being a parent, I am exhausting myself trying to get our children to do chores. Let me just start by saying when I met my DH his children had NO responsibilities what so ever. They did absolutely nothing and DH did everything for them. I, on the other hand, have had my bios helping out and doing chores from a very young age. So whenI moved in with DH I made it very clear that everyone was going to be expected to pitch in, help out around the house, and clean up after themselves.
So I really focused on getting the skids to work on picking up their clothes and towels after their showers, brush their teeth, keep their rooms clean, and pick up after themselves because they weren't doing any of those things.. I have SS9, SS11, BD9, and BS11 and all of them are expected to do all of the above. It is a constant struggle with the skids and they have to be reminded daily. I also introduced a chore chart which I hung on the fridge. It changes weekly and divides up chores among all of the kids such as cleaning their bathroom, loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking the trash out, emptying the pool filter basket, etc. Nothing huge and nothing that they can't all easily handle. We told them all they would get a $10 allowance each week they are with us if their chores and responsibilities were all taken care of. My bios check the chart every day and do what is expected no questions asked. They also keep their rooms clean at all times and always ask if I need help with dinner, laundry or anything else I'm in the middle of. We have had this chore chart going for about four months now and the skids still can't seem to do a damn thing without being reminded and nagged. They always have an excuse of they forgot or they were too tired or whatever.
DH and I have been sitting down every Sunday evening and having a family meeting. And at this family meeting we go over who did their chores all week, who had great behavior, who needed to work on something. At every single family meeting DH has yelled at his boys about not doing their chores and they promise to do better. He takes stuff away from them every once in a while but is never consistent with that either. I am so f*cking sick of telling these boys every single day to feed the dog, clean your room, pick up your towel, it's your turn to load the dishes, take out the trash. So now I've jsut started doing it all msyelf and then I end up angry at both boys and DH. What do I do? I don't mind to dish out consequences to the skids myself but DH always thinks I'm being too hard on them. So do I just disengage and let them do nothing? Let their rooms stink and their dog not get fed? I can't live in a nasty house so it's so hard for me to just ignore this stuff. I would love some advice on what kind of chores and consequences your bios and skids have...
I would let DH know that
I would let DH know that there needs to be clear consequences for not doing chores. You didn't load the dishwasher... no tv. You did not clean the bathroom after being reminded... take away the phone...
or better yet.... change the WiFi password every week and only give it to the ones that do chores without giving attitude !!
I have told him over and over
I have told him over and over there have to be consequences for not doing their chores. All he ever does is talk to them. Over and over and over he tells me he's going to have a talk with them. Clearly it's not working!! So do I just keep wasting my time with the chart when my bios are seeing that they are doing their chores and the skids aren't? I am finding it very hard to keep things balanced with my own kids when his do nothing and get no privileges taken away.
I dislike.. a lot.. the idea
I dislike.. a lot.. the idea of a weekly group "shame and blame" session. I'm sure it really sets up and strengthens the divide between the two sets of kids. Your kids getting kudos.. his kids getting called on the carpet and embarassed in front of the family.
I think your DH needs to deal with these things as they occur. Waiting to unleash once a week? it's too long.. it doesn't link the act to the consequence. These kids need to get their corrections as they miss their obligations. and it should be one on one discussions.. without other kids and family members looking on.
Consequences don't need to be harsh.. but consistent.
" I notice you didn't do X chore like the chart said today.. so no TV or electronics for you tonight.. you can read a book if you are bored... and your bedtime just got moved up by an hour tonight.. since you are "too tired" to uphold your responsibilities."
ESMOD I agree with what you
ESMOD I agree with what you are saying. But the point of our family meetings is to discuss everything going on for the following week as well. After school activities, schedule changes, etc. It's not meant to be a shame and blame session and DH is "supposed" to deal with these things as they occur he just doesn't.
I think all the other meeting
I think all the other meeting stuff is fine and appropriate.. it's not the venue to discuss who the "good kids and bad kids are".
He needs to leave these discussions OUT of this meeting unless there is a pattern among the "general population of kids" breaking rules.. as in
"Now, we have noticed that you all have started bringing food into the livingroom. Just a reminder, that is off limits".
or.. a new rule
"We have a new rule in the house.. no guests will be allowed inside unless an adult is present and is aware that the child is coming in advance."
etc..
he really needs to deal with these minor infractions as they happen... it's like trying to housebreak your puppy by yelling at it once a week.. it just won't be effective.
Doesn't sound like a "shame
Doesn't sound like a "shame and blame session" to me. Sounds to me like a regular weekly family meeting. And I think more parents should do this! It's a great time to get everyone on the same page for upcoming events / schedules, what was accomplished, what still needs to be done, and a chance for EVERYONE to be heard. If the skids or biokids dont want the fact that they did not do what was required of them to be discussed then there is an easy solution to that... do your chores!
I think mrsmisrable is doing a great job as a parent but i agree that DH needs to follow through on consistent concequences.
the other things they discuss
the other things they discuss are fine. BUT.. they shouldn't be using these meetings to call the kids out for problems. Believe me.. I can see it in my mind.. my brother making faces at me.. taunting as I was getting a talking to for something. It's the same reason you generally shouldn't be calling your employees on the carpet as a manager... it's demoralizing and if the dynamic is typically that "her kids" are better behaved.. it can create resentment.
So.. meet.. talk about your practices or school obligations.. but these kids should be getting their parenting for problems when the problems occur.. and "in privacy".. not during some group meeting.
BTW.. the original post focused on this meeting being the place to go over behavior and consequences... and didn't really speak to the other things that she mentioned in her response.
Tell DH no more yelling, and
Tell DH no more yelling, and only action. He needs to be on board with you with saying to them "if XYZ is not done by X date, then no wifi for the week." Let them get the privilage taken away and remove the wifi. Let them kick and scream about it and let DH endure the kicking and screaming. But make sure to praise the hell out of them for anything they're doing right so they don't get discouraged they aren't as awesome as your kids.
If your DH isn't on board, HE should have consequences too! Something for him to have to go through as long as he isn't following through. You could be in charge of the wifi for him too lol or you could tell him you won't cook, you'll take your kids out of the house and not spend time with him, no sex, or you'll sleep in another room. Just some examples. The emphasis you can communicate to him is consistancy over sporadic intimidation.
When reward and recognition
When reward and recognition does not work, nameing and shameing often does. So, reward and recognize the performers and name and shame those who don't step up.
SSs here don't have "chores"
SSs here don't have "chores" per se. They have to be responsible for their own items. For reference, both are elementary aged and apparently jeckyl and hyde between houses (50/50).
They have to clean up after themselves - whether that's after a meal, a shower, horsing around in their room or outside. Leave something out and it gets confiscated. Do it again and it gets thrown away.
They have to fold and put away their own laundry (they absolutely hate this one). If one can't be bothered to bring his laundry to the laundry room before transition guess who gets to fold and put away not only their own laundry but also their brother's.
They have to keep their bathroom orderly. They should be hanging their towels up, rinsing the sink after brushing their teeth, etc. If they're gross pigs then they clean the entire bathroom (baseboards and all) with SO inspecting.
They may randomly be asked to set or clear the table, retrieve a garbage can, etc.
That stuff is just a given. They need to make an effort to take care of their belongings and help keep the household running smoothly when asked.
They do have chores they can pick from to earn screen time, money, etc. We use giant colored tongue depressers/popsicle sticks that designate difficulty and each one lists the reward (10 min screen time, $0.50, etc.). If anyone is feeling ambitious they are more than welcome but cannot take all of the easy tasks for themselves.
I get a lot of "I really wish my chores could be..." whatever with the dogs (that are mine) and I tell them every single time that they cannot be responsible for x,y,z until they show me that they can consistently be respectful. You don't get to be the person the dogs rely on for food and/or water when you think its okay to chase them around (an ongoing issue for YSS). You also don't get to skip the not fun parts of taking care of an animal. If you want to feed and brush them you also have to clean up poop and walk them.
Oddly enough SO and I differ a bit there. I am oh so very protective and strict when it comes to the animals. No way no how are we doing a guess and test when it comes to animal welfare. They can observe and passively take part to earn it, but that's not what they want and it's a non-negotiable for me.
Outside of that, though, we seem to have their participation issues resolved. Extended time with BM means we get some whining and reluctance but no significant defiance since they have zero responsibility or expectations for their behavior at her house.
Good luck. If you can't get DH on board with consequences you'll never get through to skids but hopefully he will come around. Don't lower the bar for your own kids just so skids (and DH) don't feel badly about their shortcomings
There is no doubt some PASing
There is no doubt some PASing going on with the BM. Actually it seems to be her full time job. She's a real piece of work. And apprently her and my DH are equally lazy parents to top things off. DH admitted that when they were married she worked a lot and he had the kids most of the time and neither one of them really disciplined. The kids pretty much did as they pleased and that was evident to me when I first met them. DH says he's a "laid back" parent but truthfully he's just lazy as hell. It's too much trouble to make his kids be clean and respectful, do their homework, take care of chores. So he just doesn't. End of story. But you'd think that when his wife who is supposedly the love of his life has been BEGGING him for three years to step up and be a parent to his feral spawn he would make the effort!!