the Cinderella effect??
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so evolutionary psychology says that we view our skids as competitors and we do what we can to segregate them so as to channel resources to our bs and bd's. what are your thoughts on this? This makes sense to me. I feel more justified in hating my SD and SS's now that I'm doing is best for the evolution of the species
I just finished reading
I just finished reading Stepmonster, and Martin does present that idea on several different occasions.
I feel resistant to it, though. Considering most societies originated as tribal, and that--more often than not--the entire tribe took care of all the kids, I feel that the "husband as resource to compete over" doesn't really hold much weight. It also seems a bit sexist to me, which means it could be culturally significant since we're in a patriarchal society, but not biologically significant.
If the biology was truly the source of love and acceptance, then how do we fall in love with our DH's in the first place (this is assuming you're not related to your DH)? How do adoptive parents love their children?
I think the real issue is that the skids have a different alliance (to their BM) and we know it. And that alliance challenges our position in the home, even more so when DH is a disney parent and lets the kids to whatever they want (and what they want is so often dictated by a horrific BM).
I do sometimes feel distressed when the DH engages with the skids. I feel like we are much more distant from each other when they are around, and I have not pinpointed why that is. He is extremely supportive and affectionate when they are here, and has backed me up on almost every skid-issue since we've been together. It's just not the same as it is without them here. So, I'm not quite sure what's going on, but it does make me a bit uncomfortable. However, if he treated me differently when our own kid was around, I think I would be distressed and irritated as well. Or when the neighbor's kids were around.
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head - even if your Skids are nice, not disrespectful, and you like them, you eventually realize that no matter what you do for them or how much you include them in your lives, they are always going to side and be loyal to the horrible BM. It's hard to feel like a family and comfortable around them with that hanging over your head.
The wierd feeling comes from not knowing exactly how much affection to show DH while the skids are around. It feels totally comfortable around my daughter to kiss him when I want, sit on his lap, hug, etc, but I find myself waiting for him to kiss me around the skids. I also know that they have seen affection between DH and BM, which brings up jealousy issues. I've had SS12 laugh about how he walked in on DH and BM "doing it". DH shut him up quick and he honestly wasn't trying to hurt me - just teasing his dad, but I could have done without that reminder.
DH accepts my DD3 as his own and calls her his daughter, but her dad is dead. It is nice to have him love her and care for her, but bottom line, she and I have a really deep connection and she's mine - I don't expect equal treatment of her, just like she is more my priority than the skids are. If I had a child with DH, I think that would make it harder to get along with the skids. There would probably be jealousy and I'd want to see our kid getting equal attention.
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head - even if your Skids are nice, not disrespectful, and you like them, you eventually realize that no matter what you do for them or how much you include them in your lives, they are always going to side and be loyal to the horrible BM. It's hard to feel like a family and comfortable around them with that hanging over your head.
The wierd feeling comes from not knowing exactly how much affection to show DH while the skids are around. It feels totally comfortable around my daughter to kiss him when I want, sit on his lap, hug, etc, but I find myself waiting for him to kiss me around the skids. I also know that they have seen affection between DH and BM, which brings up jealousy issues. I've had SS12 laugh about how he walked in on DH and BM "doing it". DH shut him up quick and he honestly wasn't trying to hurt me - just teasing his dad, but I could have done without that reminder.
DH accepts my DD3 as his own and calls her his daughter, but her dad is dead. It is nice to have him love her and care for her, but bottom line, she and I have a really deep connection and she's mine - I don't expect equal treatment of her, just like she is more my priority than the skids are. If I had a child with DH, I think that would make it harder to get along with the skids. There would probably be jealousy and I'd want to see our kid getting equal attention.
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head - even if your Skids are nice, not disrespectful, and you like them, you eventually realize that no matter what you do for them or how much you include them in your lives, they are always going to side and be loyal to the horrible BM. It's hard to feel like a family and comfortable around them with that hanging over your head.
The wierd feeling comes from not knowing exactly how much affection to show DH while the skids are around. It feels totally comfortable around my daughter to kiss him when I want, sit on his lap, hug, etc, but I find myself waiting for him to kiss me around the skids. I also know that they have seen affection between DH and BM, which brings up jealousy issues. I've had SS12 laugh about how he walked in on DH and BM "doing it". DH shut him up quick and he honestly wasn't trying to hurt me - just teasing his dad, but I could have done without that reminder.
DH accepts my DD3 as his own and calls her his daughter, but her dad is dead. It is nice to have him love her and care for her, but bottom line, she and I have a really deep connection and she's mine - I don't expect equal treatment of her, just like she is more my priority than the skids are. If I had a child with DH, I think that would make it harder to get along with the skids. There would probably be jealousy and I'd want to see our kid getting equal attention.
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head - even if your Skids are nice, not disrespectful, and you like them, you eventually realize that no matter what you do for them or how much you include them in your lives, they are always going to side and be loyal to the horrible BM. It's hard to feel like a family and comfortable around them with that hanging over your head.
The wierd feeling comes from not knowing exactly how much affection to show DH while the skids are around. It feels totally comfortable around my daughter to kiss him when I want, sit on his lap, hug, etc, but I find myself waiting for him to kiss me around the skids. I also know that they have seen affection between DH and BM, which brings up jealousy issues. I've had SS12 laugh about how he walked in on DH and BM "doing it". DH shut him up quick and he honestly wasn't trying to hurt me - just teasing his dad, but I could have done without that reminder.
DH accepts my DD3 as his own and calls her his daughter, but her dad is dead. It is nice to have him love her and care for her, but bottom line, she and I have a really deep connection and she's mine - I don't expect equal treatment of her, just like she is more my priority than the skids are. If I had a child with DH, I think that would make it harder to get along with the skids. There would probably be jealousy and I'd want to see our kid getting equal attention.
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head - even if your Skids are nice, not disrespectful, and you like them, you eventually realize that no matter what you do for them or how much you include them in your lives, they are always going to side and be loyal to the horrible BM. It's hard to feel like a family and comfortable around them with that hanging over your head.
The wierd feeling comes from not knowing exactly how much affection to show DH while the skids are around. It feels totally comfortable around my daughter to kiss him when I want, sit on his lap, hug, etc, but I find myself waiting for him to kiss me around the skids. I also know that they have seen affection between DH and BM, which brings up jealousy issues. I've had SS12 laugh about how he walked in on DH and BM "doing it". DH shut him up quick and he honestly wasn't trying to hurt me - just teasing his dad, but I could have done without that reminder.
DH accepts my DD3 as his own and calls her his daughter, but her dad is dead. It is nice to have him love her and care for her, but bottom line, she and I have a really deep connection and she's mine - I don't expect equal treatment of her, just like she is more my priority than the skids are. If I had a child with DH, I think that would make it harder to get along with the skids. There would probably be jealousy and I'd want to see our kid getting equal attention.
When myself and Bf were going
When myself and Bf were going through the honeymoon stage, I used to feel a little jealous of Sd6, I just wanted Bf to myself, even though Sd6 was here before I was, I felt like she was a cuckoo in the nest, it was unfair of me to feel that way, though it did'nt help that she hated me when she realised I was here to stay, for me, when Sd is well behaved and sweet she could stay here all the time, when she's a pain, I feel like urrr when is she going lol, shes just a normal kid, I just did'nt see myself being a Step Mum again, shes really loves me though, last night she was snuggling into me on the sofa and it makes it all worth while. In the past anytime myself and Bf showed each other affectionn Sd would run over and join in, now she is more relaxed, at one time I felt that I could'nt stand the bad behavior, lack of respect and Daddys guilt parenting, but we kept trying and stuck together, things are much better now.
Competition for resources was
Competition for resources was a bigger factor for stepparents back in the 1800s than now. I have found quite a few ancestors who died in childbirth or women who became widows with very young children in my family tree. It's not always a happy ending.
My grandmother had 2 half-sisters she never told anyone about. I only found out about them after she passed away thru Ancestry.com. This isn't the type of story they put in the commercials. My great-grandfather married at age 17 and had two children with his first wife who died in childbirth with the second child. He left to go find work in another state left his daughters with their maternal grandparents. When he married his second wife (my great-grandmother), she flat out refused to raise his two daughters from his first marriage and they stayed in North Carolina with their grandparents.
The two half-siblings complained their father never sent them much money, but he was dirt poor, worked as a coal miner and he had 9 kids with his second wife. They didn't have any money to spare.
On the other side of my family tree, a great-great-grandfather died in the mid 1800s very young and left behind a young family. The daughters all ended up working as seamstresses in a factory and their brother went with other relatives on a wagon west and became very successful. Their mother remarried but that didn't seem to benefit the kids.
There's sort of a myth that stepfamilies worked when mothers died in childbirth because of tv shows but in reality, it seems more like things are today - stepparents don't want anything to do with their stepkids.
I absolutely believe this is
I absolutely believe this is true.
I think many of the emotional struggles here have underlying reasons based on biology.
Everything is different in the core family- both parents best interest and most resources are channeled to the bio kids.
In a step family there is confusion , jealousy and competition because there sre strong conflicts of interest .
The biofather (biomum) doesn't want to let down their own kids as biology and bonding, especially after a separation leads to the need to put them first.
The new wife (new husband) struggles to find her place in an already existing family constellation, often doesn't get any emotional space or power which causes anxiety as she doesn't feel looked after and put second place.
To break this strong, biology based vicious circle in step families the adults have to grow really strong with each other, the husband needs to learn that he can still be a great dad when putting his partner first which is the only right thing to do in step families to establish some kind of balance.And it is hard since the saying blood is stronger than water is often so true !