She sounds like an entitled snot.

Some colleges are allowing only one person to help with move-in. Could that be the situation and the SD is just adding additional hate and drama on top?

If she doesn't want you in her life, that's a real shame. But then she also doesn't get any of the benefits of having you around, including the money you contribute to her college education. Can't have it both ways, and she needs to learn that hard lesson.

Well, this is a tough one. I'd be tempted to go nuclear and tell her she won't be getting her college paid for with that attitude, but I suspect that's the wrong approach.  I'd start with DH sitting her down and asking her what is going on. My guess is that she's feeling pressure from BM in some way? If talking about it rationally doesn't work, then DH may need to call her bluff and truly decide if he will continue to help pay or not. 

Is your husband obligated by the divorce decree to pay for SD's college or provide her with a monthly allowance?  If not, your DH has his continued financial support of SD to use as leverage to get through what hopefully is a relatively short period of immaturity on her part.  

Her reaction to a yard sign (we see them all the time around here and I think they're great) is over the top and ridiculous.  Obviously something else is going on, especially since your relationship with her was previously pleasant and stable.  I hope your husband is able to get to the bottom of it when he talks to her.

I am waiting for this day personally. I am sure my SS will pull something like this. 

I think in your shoes I would have DH sit down with her and explain how hurtful she is being. 

If she insists on continuing her behavior then there are consequences for her actions. She can't be nasty to you and still have a financially worry free college experience. College isn't a right- it is a privilege and one that doesn't have to be financed by her father and SM. 

If I were you OP, I would volentarily not go. To be honest, I would not put myself in the position to be around BM and a sulky sd and then if I could get a day or so to myself too would be nice. I might go do something extra specail for myself because it will be emotionally hard to miss out on the milestone, but i have long accepted that I will miss out on things with my sd due to her mother being a B***h.

By not going I would remove this dilema from my husband and he and sd can talk things through how they want. If he chooses not to go too that is his choice. If he chooses to go I would not hold it against him.

What I would do though is send sd a letter explaining things from my point of view. I would try to express my hopes that as she moves into adulthood she will start to see that people\s efforts and motivations are what counts, even if sometimes they may miss the mark. And I would express that I hoped we could build a new phase in the relationship as two adults who try to see things from each others point of view, 

As for the financial support element, that really depends on where this money is coming from (is it your husband's or do you have joint finances?) and of course what your husband wants to do. If he wants to support her financially, he could remove, some or all of the allowance payments and just pay towards  tuition and accomodation.If you have some money in this pot then your opinion should definately be taken into consideration too. 

If things do not improve at all with sd I would start considering if she will be welcome to visit your home when she is on break. I don't think I would be happy with her visiting with her current attitude. 

Hmm this is tough, I am glad your DH is going to address it with her this week. Maybe it is some outside pressure from BM.

In the instance that it ISN'T that and this is her being a snot, I'd be tempted to cut the monthly allowance and tell her that she needs to find a very small part time gig (working at the on campus library, or the admissions office, etc) so she can learn how to be more appreciative of the hard work that goes into raising, funding and launching a child into adulthood. If she wants to act like such a big girl, she can pay to be one.

Sd doesnt sound like shes a nice person. But you had a good 12 years with her, and a pleasant relationship up to now.

1. It could be stress of college and BM.

2. She could have been faking it all this time, the liking you part. Now shes older (grown up) and can be her true self. If this is the case, Im really really sorry.

You write that "of course" her father will support her through college, and although attitude is one thing, actions are a whole different thing. She being emotionally manipulatve, and committing emotional blackmail, which would tell me that paying her an allowance would be a reward for bad behavior. So he would need to cut that off. She can work her way through college like other folks have to.

If your DH was any kind of a father and husband his response should be this
"Okay SD you are now an adult and I am going to respect your decision as an adult. Please respect mine that I won't be held hostage by idle threats and neither me nor my wife will be attending your move in. Also as I am generously paying for half of your college tuition and you being a capable adult I'm going to rescind my offer for monthly allowance. I love you and hope that as an adult you can respect my decisions as I respect yours."

I have no experience with this because, quite frankly, my SD would never have the guts to say something like that. She knows exactly how my DH would respond (along the lines of advice.only2's advice). But, he would probably laugh at her for being such an idiot, thinking she could tell him what was what.

Just goes to show, toxic people = toxic milestones. Weddings, birthdays, babies. All will be toxic. 

SD couldn't get me there if she begged after what she said. But, in my case if I wasn't going, my DH wouldn't either. He'd let SD and BM have all the fun of moving into college by themselves. And of course if I couldn't go for the move in, I wouldn't even think of going for the fun of moving out in the spring. And hope BM likes the ride, because I'm not doing holiday runs either. You want me out of your life, you got it. 

Good thing for SD that she has had the college shopping trip already or that would be cancelled. 

We haven't seen her for a long time, she only reaches out (asked her stepdad to call DH) for bday and christmas gifts which is what happened this time. She "invited" DH and our 3 younger kids to meet to give her her gift and specifically said not me (nothing specific has happened with me, so not sure what this is about) I wouldn't ask DH not to go as hes trying to fix this. BM has been alienating SD for a few years now so not totally her fault. Although SD has said and done some awful things to all of us. I also had to encourage the younger ones to go too, the older two feel abandoned by her so went reluctantly. I wouldn't go somewhere I wasn't wanted so I stayed home.

I've told DH that SD isn't welcome in our home until she apologises and shows some respect, and also to leave the kids out of this going forward. He can sort his relationship with her out first. He is so scared she will leave him out of milestone events such as wedding and having children, but I've said all hes doing at the moment is showing her shes in charge and he will continue to be walked all over. I won't be dragged along behind him.

My DH was in exactly the same boat as yours two years ago. His daughter had freshly graduated from a fancy highschool that he had to access his superannuation to fund. Then she expected help with college and moving out from BM’s house. Usual threat of cutting him off and never speaking to him again because he’s a horrible father if he doesn’t support her (pay for everything) 

Fast forward two years. It should not surprise anyone that him paying for her hasn’t improved their relationship. If anything it’s probably made it worse. Her sense of entitlement is even worse than before. Now there’s absolute rage at the fact that he’s not supporting her 21 year old a$$ even though she’s working full time and he’s got a toddler to raise. 

Originally DH had the idea that he should go to counselling to have a relationship with his daughter. It’s finally sunk in that counselling instead is to help accept that no relationship is better than a toxic one. Which is something yours will need to think about if he’s so hell bent on paying for half of everything no matter what kind of crazy SD and BM throw at him.  

I applaud your DH and his commitment to you and your marriage.

Hopefully DH is ready to deliver a clear message to SD that if she pulls any shit while moving into the dorm due to your presence that she forfeits her monthly support check and a second even minor incident ends any support for her college from your marital resources for the duration of the current year. Hello school loans.  Each incident of bullshit behavior towards you or her father costs her the next year of college support, etc, etc, etc.....

She is not a young child any more. She is ostensibly an adult and her decisions need to come with adult consequences.  She can play butt hurt moody kid all she wants but not without the consequences that accompany her choices.

IMHO of course.

I experienced college move in drama several years back when SS was heading off to college.

SS lived with us and didn't have much to do with BM.  BM caused the breakup by cheating and SS could not wrap his head around his mother being shall we just say loose as this is the only word I can think of but not what SS used.  

Fast forward to SS graduating and now going to college.  She hit back to get in his life senior year.  It all started when I had made the appointment for his senior pictures and BM cancelled the appointment and made another appointment with a private photographer.  We never knew this happened until after she had the pictures done and our apt was cancelled.  We never even had an opportunity to get a picture.  

I had been the one that had done everything for my stepson for years!  I also did all of the shopping planning, filled out all of the forms etc for college.  1 week before college move in day BM calls DH and says she doesn't want me there on move in day.  Instead of being angry and demanding she pulls what will be the major beginning of many manipulative moves.  She cried and tells DH she will just be uncomfortable with me there and it should just be a "family thing" her him SS and she bring SD. 

So when I am told all of this I am not only mad I am hurt as I had been involved until this point doing absolutely everything and now I was just going to be tossed aside like I did not matter at all.  Again it was the beginning to many more days like this.  It was also the beginning of pushing me out.  Because this was all new at this time and DH thinking she really wanted back in SS life he didn't know what to do. He kept saying things and I could tell he wanted me to back out like it was my idea.  This was long before he knew or could be convinced of BM's manipulation to be in his life not the kids. The kids are pawns in her game.  Years later he gets that but not then.    This was the beginning to me being shoved out and left aside and BM tying t make them a family.  Till then I really had an ok relationship with SS but once BM was in not so much.  SD always lived with BM so that relationship between her and I was always rocky.  But SS we were ok.  So I didn't offer to stay home although I had decided I probably wouldn't go,  I pretty much waited until DH said it would be better if I didn't go.  A lot changed that day.  DH went but only did what he had to and left.  BM wanted to hang out for the day like they were one big happy family but DH was not having it.  He unloaded the vehicles and got everything in the room.  BM planned to arrange everything in the room together and then had dinner reservations at a local restaurant.  DH hooked up the computer and did a few things like that and then said he was heading out.  BM was pretty upset but DH didn't care.  

The take away from the situation.  No one wants to be anywhere that they are not wanted.  I also felt it was BM's child not mine and while I was hurt and upset by the manipulation again who wants to force yourself in where no one wants you.   So I would say that if SD doesn't want you there on move in day, don't go and don't do that to yourself.  Now if your DH can get out of it then by all means he should not go either.  In our situation it was a few days before and all the plans were set and there was no one else to move his stuff.   We were also blind sided to BM being back at all.   If it happened today DH would never go.   He would not care who moved his stuff.  

Now it also does not come without consequences to SD.  I would not be her beck and call girl and drop anything for her needs on any occasion.  She owes you an apology for her ridiculous immature behavior and I would not do much for her until I got it.  This advice is all about protecting you and your feelings and giving you a more peaceful life

I would never want to go to anything like this so I can't relate. But if I were in your situation...I would be telling DH not to go...the kid is 18 and it's time to cut the bull shit. I don't play the threat game.....

We dropped SS off at MEPS for his report date to ship off to USAF BMT.  We attended his graduation from BMT 12 weeks later.

We have attended as many of his graduations and promotion ceremonies as we have been able to make since then.  He has completed an AS in Computer Science and is chipping away at the rest of the classes to complete his BSCS.

Other than avoiding drama, I am not sure there is a prototypical right way to build the burning platform to motivate kids to launch. 

All this over a sign? Ridiculous!!! Makes me think SD is going to have a hard time adjusting to the *real world.* College is a good buffer but eventually she'll get a slap of reality.  I'm sure you can think of dozens of other places you'd rather be than helping skid move to college but  you're right, if she gets her way on this everything going forward will be a fight.  Perhaps you can send your clone.  

I think you've already made up your mind but my advice is to make it really clear to SD that you have way better ways to spend your time than helping her move into her college dorm.  She's acting like this is a big treat that she'd depriving you of.  So entitled to believe anyone would actually want to help her move.  

I would go, while DH and the SD's minions are catering to her go to the hottest spa in town then to the hottest bistro for lunch.  
 

No need to lament getting hot and sweaty when you can bask in pampered luxury while making it a pleasant experience for yourself.