couples therapy
our first session with the couples counselor went well today.
the counselor (as i expected) was totally on the same page as me with regard to kids needing rules, structure, discipline, etc.
it went so well in fact that i figured my fiance would never want to go back.
when the counselor asked us if we wanted to come back again, i told him we'd think abotu it and discuss it together and get back to him.
when we were in the car, i asked fiance what he thought and if he wanted to go back. he said he DEFINITELY wanted to go back again. i was shocked (and happy).
the only thing that drove us a tad nuts was that he kept indicating that we should have joint rules between both households. fiance adn i know that no way is BM ever going to set any rules ever. never had them never will. so when i schedule again im going to tell him to keep the focus on what fiance and i can do in OUR house and accept that a kumbaya with BM is just not going to happen. ever.
I can't believe a therapist
I can't believe a therapist would even think that was possible?????....you don't mix households...that's not how it works....
That is good news. The
That is good news.
The counselor should read StepMonster and Divorce Poison before commenting on something like joint rules in both households. That is pretty impossible to enforce and also can cause additional problems.
Counselor should focus strictly on your relationship and your home only. Trying to work in the BM is only asking for trouble, because the counselor would be in essence, giving BM a say in your relationship.
Couples counseling is about a couple. Two people. Not three.
im going to go with the
im going to go with the assumption that it was the first meeting and therefore he had no idea what the dynamic was/is with BM. im sure there are some people who do have successful co-parenting. we unfortunately dont have that.
he said to us - you cant say no and then have her to go mom and she says yes. we were like "we cant tell her not to say "yes" - she wont listen!" we would gladly back up BM on any discpline she instills, have told her (and SD) this, but of course seh never disciplines. ever.
plan is to call him, schedule another time and tell him we dont want to discuss BM, and try another session. if he gets it, we'll stick with him and see wehre it goes (the march court date where we may very likely get 50-50 is rapidly approaching) if not, then we'll figure something else out.
BM for the most part isnt a
BM for the most part isnt a bother. she leaves us alone - problem is too alone. she doesnt respond to any emails, texts, etc. but that's being dealt with by the courts.
our struggle is an all too familiar one centeredd around what discipline/structure/rules is appropriate for SD13 and when we decide something, and fiance doesnt agree or follow through as promised, how we work with that.
im just not ready to give up on him but i am firm in not tying the knot until we can both work through these conflicts. i just KNOW he will get more enjoyment from his child once she's under control teaching a kid rules and discpline at 13 is no cake walk. but once he gets firm and shows he's consistent and serious, adn that he and i are united on teh same page, things will get better with her. i hope.
Their agreement states that
Their agreement states that all communication will be by email or text aa they dont speak. Fiancé will email her about only issues related to the child such as "can you swap weekends". No reply. Kinda hard to plan or find anything out if she ia unresponsive
Plan is for joint custody and/or a morw specific parenting plan so.fiancé. knows when he can have his kid.
Hope...its something that can
Hope...its something that can elevate a person to hang on..at the same time it enables them to not let go..I just made that up..lol
I have learned about hope. I think I rather stick to the facts in my experience now. IMO..in yr situation.. No offense..please see clearly that the best predictor of a persons future behavior is their past behavior. Did your Fiance demonstrate firm discipline for the first 13 years of skids life? He is going to counseling..I wonder who initiated it. I think people can change when they see their own issues thru their eyes..not usually when another brings issues to them.Also..determime if your Fiance is a pleaser. If he avoids conflicts in the past..well..like I said above..
Also..can you forcast if or when you have children with him? Are you hoping to make him into the father you want? These are questions that come to mind because i too held out because of hope..then learned it was never going to pay off.
Good for taking time..cus only time will tell..just made that up too..lol