Does it ever get easier?
My fiance has 2 children, 3 and 7, who I thought I had great relationships with. Whenever we have them, they are the focus of our attention. I love them and treat them as if they were my own, even when its REALLY hard. Then this morning, my fiance got an email from his ex wife, saying how the 3 year old, had come home very upset the last 2 nights with us. She apparetnly even said she "didnt like me and wished i was in jail". There was a breif incident involving a bratty child and me reprimanding her, but aside from that, it was a typical night in our home. After the incident had passed, things went back to normal. The email even said the older child, said that "dad told me not to talk to them that way", which is a complete lie. He has always supported me in anything that's happened between me and the kids. I was caught so off guard that I'm now wondering how I will ever look at them the same. I feel I have been betrayed and all the love I've given was thrown back in my face. Like nothing I do for them is appreciated and all they see is the evil woman who gets their Dad. It's just such a shock. They've never given an idication to me or their Dad that anything was wrong. Now I feel like my name is being drug through the mud and shamed when I've done nothing wrong. Luckily, my fiance was quick to coem to me defense, but I feel the damage has been done. I am so hurt and frusterated I don't knwo what to do. My fiance is hurt too, but feels its just them acting out as they adjust. We are 20 weeks pregnant and although the kids are beyond excited abotu it, he thinks they may be reacting to more change. I'm sure he's right, but all I can feel rigth now is sheer exhaustion. It's not been easy being thrust into a blended family and having to share the love of my life with 2 other little people and a bitch ex wife, but we have done a good job of working through the tough times to make a good home for everytone. Now I feel myself pulling back and I don't knwo if I'll be able to forget this.
Any and all commentary is welcome. Thanks for letting me vent.
wow hun, its going to get a
wow hun, its going to get a LOT worse than this when they get older. Begin now by being confident in what you do and quit allowing her to debate your behavior. Your man should just delete it and move on, no discussion. It will save you time and heartache in the end. At least he is supportive of you.
BM is going use every possible means to destroy your relationship with those kids and she doesn't care if she hurts them doing it.
You are going to be a LOT more tired and emotional as this goes on and you blend the new baby into your life. TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED FOR YOURSELF TO BE HEALTHY!!!!!!! DO NOT FORGET THESE WORDS I AM TELLING YOU!!!
Totally agree Ddakan. SS11
Totally agree Ddakan. SS11 has learned that it makes BM happy to hear bad things after he's been at our house. He used to go back to BM and tell her all the fun stuff her did here. She has PAS'd him to the point that he now feels that he has to tell half-truths and full out lies because as he says "it makes my mom happy". We've tried to tell him that if he continues he won't be able to come anymore and it works for maybe one visit, then he's back to it.
As far as e-mailing back, it's just going to be more and more drama. It will be a never-ending debate back and forth. You all know what happened/didn't happened. Just leave it alone. From experience, it just makes things get out of hand and you'll get to where you're always trying to defend yourself to BM thanks to the SS's.
Same thing has happened to
Same thing has happened to me..SD9 did the same thing when she was 6 and it drove me crazy, I was so hurt...the next time we had her, her dad spoke with her and told her that would not be tolerated...so here we are and she is now 9 and it's now different issues...so welcome to being a SM and just hang in there..
As for he emailing..I agree with mommyto6 just leave it alone..from what has happened to me if you engage the BM it will only get uglier....just enjoy being pregnant..and just breathe...
Z
Thanks for the responses.
Thanks for the responses. You all make good points. I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that this is par for the course and it isn't going to get any easier as they get older. I need to let this go and move on knowing in my heart that I'm good to those kids. On a positive note, last night while my fiance was on the phone with the 3 year old, she asked to talk to me and I was reminded that kids will say things for attention and dont nesseccarily have malicious intentions. She doesn't dislike me and BM will take any ammo she gets and blow it out of proportion just to create tension. Now I just have to find a way to forgive her fib telling tattle tale older brother...
One more question. Can BM use hearsay like this against my fiance to keep him from getting additional custody? While I'm not sure it's an idea I'm thrilled about, I know it is something he wants badly and I want them to have a real relationship with their new brother or sister.
We have them this weekend, so wish me luck!
Thanks again. I love this site! It's so great to hear other people who share in my frusteration. I wish I read more about it getting better though!
It's a tough job being a SM
It's a tough job being a SM and the kids will always defend BM..it's just the way it goes I guess.
As for hearsay..she cannot use that, we went through this last year and our lawyer told us hearsay is just that hearsay and nothing more..they need concrete facts...
good luck and remember they are young children that are confused... chin up and enjoy.. Z
I agree about the PAS. In our
I agree about the PAS. In our case, BM used to get really upset if she heard the SKs were happy and liked being with us. Kids are smart. They want to please their parents and make them happy. We saw they were happy here and we couldn't work out why they were telling her it was awful at our house. They did it to make her feel better.
Remember that BM is scared. She is afraid of you both. She fears that her children will prefer you to her. Forgive her and love your husband. Laugh at the silliness of it and always remember it's the BM doing this. Not you,not DH and not the skids. Don't change for her. Don't react to her. If you do, she has the power and that's what she wants. She will take any bad reaction from you as a red rag. She will sense your intimidation and go in for the kill.
Sounds a bit ott but this is my experience.
Keep a steady hand on the rudder and look after you and your relationship. When it's hard, support your family by making a nice safe home for everyone. Emotionally safe as well.
When I get insecure or frightened, I can turn my loving home into a nightmare. She wins then. No way. Not on my watch sunshine.....