Debating whether or not to give my baby my SO's last name.

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So me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby. I am 22 weeks preg. We have been contemplating on whether or not to get married yet since we got pregnant, but as of right now looks like we won't be getting married anytime soon. We want to be fully sure of tying the knot and wanting to be together for the rest of our lives. I would have loved to been married first then get pregnant but sometimes things don't go as planned. Anyways since we are not married I'm not sure if I should give our son my boyfriend's last name or my last name. Especially since I don't know when or even if we will ever get married. My boyfriend is a great father to his 2yr old daughter that he loves so much and enjoys having her at his house as much as possible and is very very excited to be having a son now but I still haven't broken the news to him that maybe I want our son to have my last name. I would LOVE for the three of us to have the same last name but we aren't married yet. And that as a mother I wouldn't feel comfortable having a diff last name as my own child's. But in the future if we end up getting married I will gladly change our child's last name to his so that we all have the same last name. Another thing that makes me feel that I shouldn't let him have the last name is that lately he hasn't had much interest in going to my doc's appts. But prior to going to my regular Doc visits he went to my first check up (where we made sure I was preg & first sono) & took me to the ER and stayed with me weeks after I had some complications. But then he didn't go to my very first regular appt bc he was "too tired" & it was his day off but he's been to all appts after that and bc I almost practically begged him to. He says that there's no point in going, and that he just wants to be there when the baby is born. He's still kind of upset that I chose my doctor & that he's a male. & that's a reason why he doesn't want to go with me. But truth of the matter is he is NOT my husband yet to be making those decisions over me and should put that aside for our baby's sake. Have any of you regret giving your child their father's last name? Does it bring up confusion if you have different last name than your own child? Do you have trouble or need father's written consent taking your child out of country or vacations? Or will it affect my child in the long run if he doesn't have his father's last name?

My ex took his baby-mama to

My ex took his baby-mama to court & the judge ordered her to change the baby's last name to be hyphenated with baby-mama's & ex's last names. He was listed as the father on the birth-certificate & he was paying & supporting the child, so he got a say in the name.

That's a first for me.

It is not uncommon at all.

Don't use the last name as a

Don't use the last name as a way to punish the father for not going to the dr visits.

Likely because it is a boy, your SO will want the child to have his last name. In my state, once paternity is established, the wishes of the mother do not matter, the child is given the father's last name, especially if it is a son. By a judge I mean. So if it comes to that, you will likely have to change your son's name to his father's name.

I think you are trying to be cool about not being married but it bothers you more than you will admit.

Not being sarcastic to you

Not being sarcastic to you but this has happened to several people I know. So it's just personal anecdote but it has happened and in the last ten years.

So first off, since when does a judge do anything more than pay lip service to state codes and statutes? Many of them just do as they please in family cases.

And secondly, they aren't married but they are living in a married-like relationship. Why does the mother get to decide the child's name with no input from the father? Maybe the father doesn't care but I bet he does. If SO signs the paternity papers at the hospital and kid has mom's last name, then it's done.

If the OP gives her child her last name in order to punish the father for not marrying her and not going with her to doctor's appointments, she is taking big strides down the road to being a PAS BM by using the child to punish the father.

So who, in your opinion, has

So who, in your opinion, has the right to name a child? She is not married but she's not single either, she's in a relationship with the man, living in a home together. Why does the mother get some automatic right to name the child?

It's personal experience of people I know that when the matter went to court, the judge established paternity and gave the child the father's last name - even when the mother expressly asked the judge not to.

What is the bigger picture here?

And what does the right to vote have to do with anything?

He is involved in his 2yo's

He is involved in his 2yo's life. It's a bit unfair to characterize him that way.

She also, after all, made the decision to get pregnant while not married.

Yes she is single, however

Yes she is single, however they are living together & unless they split before the baby comes, both will be providing for their child. Therefore he is also invested & should reap benefits.

I find your attitude

I find your attitude surprising. Not wrong, just surprising. So many people these days think marriage is nothing more than an unnecessary piece of paper.

The parents are together. They live together. She chose to become pregnant outside of marriage, is this not one of those "traps" everyone like to rag about BM's for? Get pregnant and then expect him to marry you?

That they are not "technically" married should have little or no bearing in this case. She's angry because he is not marrying her and because he does not go to doctor visit's with her. Therefore she is going to use the child to punish him, unless he does not care what the child is named and then, if he cares that little, he is probably not going to be active or involved and then yeah, don't give the kid his name.

Ok, we actually agree 100% on

Ok, we actually agree 100% on this. To me, it's a sad state of affairs that so many people shack up and have kids without getting married but let's face it, that is the current state of the world today.

I have never, ever understood and never will understand a person's reluctance to commit to another person but then turn right around and get pregnant. That right there is a 20 year, if not lifetime in some ways, commitment.

But, be that as it may, the OP is in this situation and the guy is kind of a jerk but he's also around for his first kid, so chances are he'll be around for this kid, even if he's not around for her.

We are NOT living together

We are NOT living together right now. Yes I happened to get pregnant out of marriage and not because I wanted to. So now, if by the time the baby is born and we are not married then I will let our son have my last name. Why? Because we are not married so not officially a family together, and marriage is indeed so much more than a piece of paper. If only you take marriage seriously then you know its a promise to God to be committed to one another till death do you part. I do believe in that and if he decides to commit to me on that level rather than just bf/gf then that's perfectly fine but I don't see that just yet, so that is why I wouldn't want our son to carry on his last name bc I don't know if we will last. And I don't want to end up being the primary care taker yet baby not having my last name. And if he decides to marry later on, then his wife will have same last name as my son that I don't even have??? lol I don't think so.

Sorry but I do not consider

Sorry but I do not consider her *single.*

Single means no man in the picture, just a baby on the way and the woman doing it all alone. This is not the case.

I don't have a state code & I

I don't have a state code & I don't care enough to try to find one, but my ex's judge DID disregard his baby-mama's wishes & ordered the name be changed. The child was a boy, but I assume the judge would've ordered the same even if it had been a girl.

You have cited nothing but

You have cited nothing but your word. That doesn't obligate me to believe you.

Nothing worked to my benefit. I wasn't the father or mother or child. I was simply the ex-wife of the father of the child who, for some odd reason, was subpoenaed to provide a character-witness in their hearing.

"In a disagreement over a

"In a disagreement over a child’s name, the best interests of the child standard applies"
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So if dad wants his child to have his last name, it's still left up to a judge to determine what would be in the child's best interest.

http://www.pacode.com/secure/

http://www.pacode.com/secure/data/028/chapter1/s1.6.html

In fact, I do not have

In fact, I do not have extensive experience with the legal system. Only what I've witnessed in other people's custody/CS hearings. I just looked it up. Believe it or not, even people without law degrees can read.

It gave me a laugh, though, the way you presented your request that I "not attempt to argue the law with you until I obtain the proper education". Thank you for that, & thank you for saying please.

what is it for Texas?

I am not using it as a way to

I am not using it as a way to punish him BUT how in the world is he proving to me right now that he will be a good father if he can't even go to the doc visits to know how the baby is doing??? Going to the doc visits is not for me, it shows that he is interested in knowing how baby is doing...so why should I let our son have his last name? Eventhough he is a good father to his daughter already, he is not proving the same to me for our son.

My mom gave birth to 9

My mom gave birth to 9 children. My dad didn't go to the dr with her to confirm that things were okay. He had a job he needed to be at so he could bring home a paycheck. Him not going to watch the dr prod my mom & say, "Everything looks fine. See you next time" doesn't make me think he's uncaring or any less of a father.

Certainly, if issues arise, you can let him know.

Your son's name is for your son. It isn't about his dad earning his name for him.

He does work and I have made

He does work and I have made all my appts to fall on his days off of work. So he really has no excuse to not attend. By going to the visits it shows me that he is being a good father to our son already, showing support and not letting me go alone as if I was a single pregnant woman.

So, you don't want the harsh

So, you don't want the harsh realities of being a single pregnant woman (going to the dr alone), but you want the perks of being a single pregnant woman (the liberty of holding the child's name over daddy's head to make him do what you want him to do)?

Do you consider yourself to be single?

It is the exact opposite.

It is the exact opposite. Fathers have no rights to children born out of wedlock until they adjudicate paternity and then file for their respective rights in family court.

No...if i do marry later on

No...if i do marry later on another man, then my son will have MY maiden name. Not nobody's..that's better than to have his father's bc he isn't doing much to prove he will be a good father to our son so why should he have that perk?

That is so different though

That is so different though bc your SO is not with his BM, but me and my boyfriend are together and in love, so why is it so hard for him to come to the dr appts to see how his son is doing? Oh he doesn't want to attend but yet he wants the last name AND for our son to be a jr...And another reason I want the baby to have my last name is bc we aren't married as of right now, so after the baby is born and we decide to marry then I will gladly change our son's last name to his. BUT if I let him have the last name right now and we end up breaking up it will be nearly impossible to change last name to mine.

This is one of my regrets -

This is one of my regrets - not giving my daughters my maiden name within their last name. Especially now that I divorced their father, I have no name link to my girls - but I match the skids. My BD8 has asked me many times why my name doesn't match.

When I remarried DH, I put my maiden name then his last name - if I had kept the girls with my maiden name - we'd have a name link.

I would suggest hyphenating

I would suggest hyphenating it. That way there is no mistake that he is the child of both of you. You can always drop your maiden name from his later if you want but if you don't get married or if you decide you like it keep both.

My son's father and I werent

My son's father and I werent married when we had him so I gave my son MY last name. If I am not married to someone whether I had their kid or not, I am not giving them my SO's last name until we are married.

I know too many women who have multiple kids from multiple men and they all have their daddies last names and I think that is just plain trashy and makes you look like a complete whorebag...IMHO

I totally agree with you! I

I totally agree with you! I have a friend that has 4 kids, 4 diff baby daddies & all 4 kids have their own dad's last name, which is rediculois I think. So since I am NOT married yet, I most likely will give my son my last name. And if I do end up marrying my SO then I will get baby name
Changed. If not & we end up breaking up my child will have my last name. And when I marry later on at least my son will have MY maiden name & carry that on rather than his Father's.

If you have multiple kids by

If you have multiple kids by multiple men and never been married... giving those kids all your own maiden last name serves the same exact effect. It doesn't hide the trashy whorebagginess.

Lol your funny... "we" I

Lol your funny... "we"
I think she meant to say they are both expecting because THEY are. Even though she's then one carrying it, it is still BOTH their child.

Also OP is correct in wanting BD to go to doc appointments, they are checking the well being on their child & should both be their if they can. Because they are not just checking her vagina "pap smear" but on THEIR child so I believe both parents should be their if possible!

OP did mention that lately he hasn't been showing much interest which surprises from what I can tell. She also mention that BD doesn't want to go to the appointments anymore because she (OP) chose a male doctor!!!!!

To me not good reason not to go! What is BD concerned about? His child or he can't get passed that a male doctor is looking at his BM crotch!!!! If it makes you that upset take her off the market & marry her!!

okay but you knew what i

okay but you knew what i meant..of course my bf isn't pregnant DUH, but he does have a baby on the way. And being the father if he wants the last name etc, then he should at least show interest in his son that is still not here yet. Bc he does want the baby to have his last name and maybe even more so bc he is a boy, but if he doesn't even want to do that, then what can i expect from him after the baby is here? he for sure isn't showing to be a good father so why should our son have HIS last name??

I don't have any personal

I don't have any personal experience on the matter, but all I can say is if it were me I would use my own last name.

The dude is not marrying you yet because he is "unsure" if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And his track record doesn't speak highly cause sounds to me like you will be BM#2 for him & not his WIFE.

You are also expressing concern about his commitment to the child not just to you, because you say he STOPPED going to the docs appointment & lately the only reason he goes is because you beg him. I don't like the sound of that at all & to me those are big red flags!!!

My DH went to all of his BM doc appointments, because he wanted to show that he was commited to his child even though him & BM were no longer together (he was already dating me). Even though I hated letting him go, I loved the fact that he went just for his child, it earned him browny points with me. Because it showed me that no matter what he is commited to his children so I married the sexy fatherly man lol

But you & your man are together so I don't understand him not wanting to go.

Also keep in mind that if you don't marry the guy your child could potentially have another women's last name.
Not that this is civilized in any manner but I hit BM every once in a while with the:

"hahaha your son has my last name and not yours hahaha"........ LMFAO!!!!!

I know it makes BM skin crawl & I bet that bitch wished she used her last name instead of DH. They were never married but I DID, so me hubby & HER son all have the same last name:-)

I don't have any personal

I don't have any personal experience on the matter, but all I can say is if it were me I would use my own last name.

But you & your man are together so I don't understand him not wanting to go.

Also keep in mind that if you don't marry the guy your child could potentially have another women's last name.
Not that this is civilized in any manner but I hit BM every once in a while with the:

"hahaha your son has my last name and not yours hahaha"........ LMFAO!!!!!

I know it makes BM skin crawl & I bet that bitch wished she used her last name instead of DH. They were never married but I DID, so me hubby & HER son all have the same last name:-)

My son has my last name

My son has my last name because his dad and I were never married.

If DF and I have a child before getting married, that child will have my last name as well. Once we're married I'll change it.

No they were never married,

No they were never married, and after they broke up she called him telling her she was preg, so then they gave it a try for the sake of their baby and he went to all of her doc appts only bc he was her only ride. But yeah what can I expect from him even after the baby is born if he doesn't even want to attend the doc visits. It even surprises me bc I see how much he loves his daughter and how he is a great father to her, but I guess that has to do with the saying "men are not father's until after the baby is here" The doc visits are not for me, it is to see how our son is doing. AND he wants our son to have his last name and be a Jr, my son deserves more than that to just have his fathers name. That's the way I see it.

A marriage license is a

A marriage license is a contract that by and large protects the woman and child(ren). Without it I'd use your last name. Names can be changed down the line by parents of under 18yo children and of course by adults for themsleves.

If he objects tell him its time to marry. Read my first sentence.

Bookishworm, I never said

Bookishworm, I never said that I don't want my BD to have a relationship with our son. On the contrary, that is what I most desire. For him to actually be a father to our son. Just bc I feel that our son should have my Name doesn't mean I will keep the baby from him. I just feel its the correct thing for my case. Bc I do not know if we will ever marry & he doesn't Want to go to simple doc visits so unless I see some changes in his attitude, our son will have MY name. As of right now He doesn't deserve for our son to have his name, & who knows if we'll last. & if & when we do make this family thing official then I will simply change our sons name.

Yes you should give his son

Yes you should give his son his name. My first born is my only son and he is a jr,you and your bf's child will not be a jr with your last name. This is his first boy and you're going to rob him of this. Maybe he feels if something is wrong with the baby, you will let him know. As far as you sceduling your appointments on his off days, maybe he does not want to sit in the doctors office on his days off.

SS doesn't have my DH's last

SS doesn't have my DH's last name. BM and he had separated while she was pregnant and they had names all planned out, but she didn't even put DH's name on his birth certificate and put her own last name and gave the baby a very ethnic name from her country instead of Alexander, which they had agreed to.

I'm not sure how much it has impacted SS, but it's very upsetting to DH that his son doesn't have his name and it makes things very confusing for him living with us now. It's something that makes SS very separate from his dad and far more connected to his mom.

exdh has never been involved

exdh has never been involved in bd's life. she is 17. i gave her his name. he decided to choose living like a white trash criminal over us. when she was 10, i petitioned the court to changer her name. it took all of 7 minutes. he is not involved. never sees her. doesn't pay support. i don't know where he is and neither does the court. i told the judge that i felt my child should carry the name of the family she belongs to (not the loser who abandoned her). he signed immediately. she has had my last name for the past 7 years. he found out and got pissed. oh well. what the hell does it matter, anyway? he just wanted that one last weak tie to us. he never cared about her. but it was oh so important that this child that he never sees and doesn't even really know has his name. :? i think not. i raised her ALONE. she is mine and mine ALONE. she wanted the name change. i wanted the name change. we got it. F him.

My DH didn't go to every one

My DH didn't go to every one of my OB appointments and he still loves his kids. He doesn't go to every one of their checkups either. But he still loves them.

I think as a first time pregnant woman you are really spazzing about something that does not matter and you're comparing apples and oranges. Yes, he drove his first BM to every appointment because she didn't have transportation. Maybe he hated every second of it and is proud to have a GF now who is so independent?

Okay- to the original OP. I

Okay- to the original OP. I wouldn't come close to walking down an aisle yet. He has a little girl who is only two? That would mean you two have NOT been together long enough to know eachother- that takes forever and to boot - you said you don't live together. Give the baby your last name. You made a very good point. What if you give the baby his last name and then it doesn't work out- the both of you move on with your lives...he gets married - so he, his little girl, your son, and his new wife all have his last name? Leaving you regretting you don't have the "name" connection with your son. if he wants the baby to have his last name- then down the road- hopefully years to come - he will bless you both with his last name- I'm not a fan of reproducing out of wedlock either but this happens in the world we live in today- and I am pleased that you know marriage is SO much more or is meant to be more than a piece of paper. Good job for not rushing into that yet I guess? I don't see this as a punishment either- that's not what I got from your post- I think you were just trying to get it all out quickly and thats how it came off. What if he goes on to have several more babies that aren't yours and they all have the same last name- but not you? I wouldn't give my not so DH's last name to our baby either and we've been together 5 years- of course I don't want children of my own but I've actually thought about this before. That's a whole other story lol

^Thanks! someone actually

^Thanks! someone actually understands me

This sounds quite similar to

This sounds quite similar to my situation involving my son, where the mother tried to use my son as a crutch and game piece in controlling my actions which did not help her whatsoever. We agreed that my son would carry my name since he is my first child, a boy and my only child. While visiting them (the mother and child) at the hospital, the paperwork for the birth certificate arrived and we agreed on the name "Adrian Marcel Peters", when the day came to sign the actual certificate, the name read "Adrian Marcel Lee-Peters" which was not the name we agreed on, I refused to sign the certificate because her reason for the name change was that her sister had named her daughter "Lee-Pickett". She changed the name back and then I signed the certificate. Although we are not married or together, I still play an integral part of my sons life, and the women on here that say its a woman's choice to keep the child, but if you choose to keep the child the man will suffer if he wanted it or not. And if the father is in the life of the child then he should have some say over what the name is. This is not about women's suffrage, because even if the father leaves or decides to pursue a life without the mother then child support will still follow him around. So if I ever have to pay child support I would love to have my child have my name. Because the person referenced in this post sounds like she is using the child as a tool against the father. There's a reason sons in particular have the fathers last name, its to carry the lineage, and it appears as if feminists dislike the fact of a man being in his childs life, without marrying the mother and the child carrying his name. Oh, and my son has my name.

You are here

Debating whether or not to give my baby my SO's last name.