After joining this forum a while back I was so grateful to find others that were experiencing the same feelings.
So thanks to all of you for sharing and caring.
And thing got MUCH better.
I learned : to keep my mouth shut.
DH is never going to say "You're right! I am much too consumed with guilt to make the right parenting decisions.
SD is never going to say "Oh yeah, I am much better off to help around the house and keep my room botulism free".

But then things started coming up missing. Makeup, clothing etc. I didn't say anything cause I am always losing things. Then her GM said she had some Victoria Secret items and said I had given them to her. So know I knew. I tell husband and he is resolved he is going in there to punish her. Instead she lays on the guilt- the kids at school call her fat (she is almost 300#) ; she feels bad about the divorce, etc. etc.
She snows him and he falls for it. So I open my big mouth. I tell her the next time I catch her in a big lie, or stealing -or any big mess up- I am going to her school and will tell her teachers. I'll make sure everyone knows about her problems.
Maybe that will deter her more than the 2 days without TV that Dad punished her with!!