Dh confiding in BM
I am completely p*ssed off about something.
So, dh in the past shared a lot of things with bm about our personal lives. Every time I would find out about something, we would have a fight and the things he told her *always* came back to haunt us- in arguments later, in court, etc.
They go through phases where she is a complete witch, but then others where she is nice and friendly and he suddenly thinks "Oh we're friends, I can trust her".
We ended up in counseling a year or so ago. I just found out that at some point during that time he mentioned to bm at a pick up that we were having some problems and going to therapy.
He apologized... but... I am having a very difficult time getting over this. He says I should let it go because it was "months" ago, but he even said a few times in therapy- brought it up himself- that he had a lot of problems in the past oversharing with bm but that he would never do anything like that now and hadn't for years.
This woman has called me names, blamed me for all their problems, said several times that our relationship won't last, etc. She has said horrible things about him as well.
That he would confide in HER of all people something I didn't tell my own mother just makes me ill.
I feel like I can't confide in him anymore. Honestly a part of me feels like just walking away.
I feel like the stress of this relationship is not worth any positive aspects. We don't have kids together and my kids are grown. My life would just be so much easier on my own.
I would be pissed. He should
I would be pissed.
He should be talking to YOU about your problems.
And if he wants to talk to a friend about them, Ummm since when is BM a friend to confide in.
I would be REALLY pissed that he even feels this comfortable in sharing ya alls personal business and that he has no problem telling her bad stuff about you, knowing she has said shitty stuff about you and how she feels about you.
Sorry you are going through this. I would be pissed.
Wow. If he feels so
Wow. If he feels so comfortable confiding in her, why did they divorce???
Have you brought up in
Have you brought up in therapy that he JUST did it again?? What does the therapist say about his lack of boundaries and how that makes you feel disrespected?
I'd be pissed off as well!!
I'd be pissed off as well!! NO WAY would I tolerate my DH telling the ExW our personal struggles...especially since our personal struggles are usually due to her or their children!!
My MIL divulged personal and intimate information I had confided in her about to DH's ex. I was F'ING PISSED!!! I decided to disengage from my MIL and no longer discuss anything with her other than idle chit chat if we happen to be around each other. I let my DH know how hurt and upset I was, and she tried to turn it around and say she didn't say anything to the ExW....I had proof she did because my DH's ex is a bitter, nasty person who loves to do anything to try to cause issues with me and DH, so she sent me a text message to my phone regarding the info MIL shared with her to be nasty. Showed my DH, showed my MIL, told my MIL that if she wants to have a relationship like that with the ExW after everything that woman did to my DH and SSs then that was her prerogative however it meant there would be no relationship with me...if they have nothing to talk to each other about other than me and DH then they really don't need to be talking, and MIL certainly will not have a relationship with me. And we haven't. Which has caused a lot of tension between DH and I when manipulative MIL starts with her "your wife hates me" bullshit...she has even told my OSS about it...of course not WHAT she did, but that "your SM hates me and is mean to me!" She's a sick lady...and my life is better with as limited contact with her as possible. So I understand how betrayed you feel to a point...it would be much worse if it was my DH who was doing it!! I hope you can get him to understand just how wrong and hurtful that is...the ex has no business knowing anything about your life with DH. Period
This happened once. He used
This happened once. He used BM to help him tell a lie to me. I was so ready to walk. SO effing ready. I didn't speak to him for days. He would not admit it but it was the most painful thing of my relationship. It was 2 years ago and it still stings. I told him then 'If we don't work out, this will be the moment I knew I should have left.'
From then on, I told him what boundaries I wanted which was pretty much NO communication except email from BM and I wanted access to all of his passwords social media email and phone. He gave it all to me. I monitored for a while but don't really anymore.
The trick is to be ready to walk and then do it if he does this to you again.
It's the most disrespectful thing in the world and what are his motives there? THATS what I would question.
Thanks Ladies. We stopped the
Thanks Ladies.
We stopped the counseling after a few months because we felt we were in a better place... but I think we need to go back.
I just feel like hey should I trust him again after he did this while we were in counseling discussing why he shouldn't do this. Ya know? It isn't like it was a first time Ooops.
The therapist didn't say much about it, since it was always in the context of this thing he used to do that he would *never* do again because he realizes how damaging it is.
So, he was saying all the right things, but still did this, so how can I believe him while he is saying all the right things now?!
But OTOH, he is also trying to minimize it by saying it was months ago, not really that big of a deal, etc.
I think at the very least we need to go back to counseling.
Idk I really feel ready to walk. If moving weren't an expensive hassle, I would be gone.
The thing is we do have fun together at times. And I think we have enough shared interests, etc. that we *could* potentially make a good team. But honesty and trust are the foundation of a strong marriage...
He keeps saying "I'm not perfect and I'm going to make mistakes." but this isn't perfection I am asking for, just, IMO, a basic level of decency and respect.
in my experience with dh if
in my experience with dh if it happened over two weeks ago it never happened.
imo your dh still feels connected to bm in some way. maybe its just the comfort he felt when he was still married to her?
anyway this is totally unacceptable for him to confide in her as if she was a best freind. its a betrayal.
"I'm not perfect and I'm going to make mistakes." is a cop out and an excuse for his being heartless with your feelings.
as you said weigh the marriage pros and cons and go from there.
I'm so sorry, you must feel
I'm so sorry, you must feel so betrayed!
I dunno, I'm with notasm - it's like cheating. (And in a way, it's emotional cheating - he was sharing something with another woman that he ONLY should have been sharing with you. And that it was his ex makes it SO much worse!) If it's ongoing, I don't see how you keep forgiving him.
If he'll go to counseling, I'd give that another shot, just so you know you did everything you could. I'm so sorry.
Sorry you're going thru
Sorry you're going thru this....and sorry to sound harsh but he committed a form of emotional infidelity and he's still not willing to own it??
You say you make a good team and have fun together...but you didn't say you loved him.
Again I know I'm being blunt but sweetie I think you've answered your own question.
This won't stop and you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt and betrayal.
If it were me and same circumstances I'd be out the door and filing for divorce...it doesn't appear as though he has any respect for you.
Thanks everyone for sharing
Thanks everyone for sharing your insights and experience.
I forgot to mention that a few days ago my elderly dad was admitted to the hospital because of suicidality. I am going to wait until he is out and settled before I make any big decisions regarding my marriage.
I *am* going to insist on going back to counseling.
I think the reason why I am struggling is because I do love him and enjoy the fun moments we have- with my exh I had not one shred of affection left for him when I left. That made it easy.
But I don't want to stick around here, not really happy, not really feeling comfortable until I get to that point again. I don't want to grow to hate him and then leave.
I have considered moving out for a couple of weeks or a month to get my head straight. To see how it feels to live alone again. To see how I feel about him once we are away from each other for a while.