Just flipped out on dh. Did I overreact?
So... dh teaches during the school year and is off all summer.
I work 40 hours/week, all year long. I also watch sd in the am and take her to school every day, every other week during the school year.
I work 10 hour days. I come home at night and make dinner. Dh sets and clears the table and loads and unloads the dishwasher. I do the pots and pans. He really hasn't done anything this summer beyond what he would typically be doing as far as chores.
Division of chores has been an ongoing issue, as dh feels that during the school year I should be doing most of the cleaning, because I am off three days/week, but I still work more hours than he does per week AND I babysit and transport sd because he leaves for work before she gets up. He will agree with me with me about it when we discuss it, but then make comments about how this or that should have been done.
I have not been feeling well (went to dr yesterday) and my dad has been in and out of the hospital in last couple of weeks. Two of my days off this week I am babysitting for him (all day long) because he will be away and didn't want to ask bm to take sd. For two straight weeks I will not have a day off that does not involve me having sd all day or taking my dad to the doctor.
Friday night I came home from work and we had dinner together, I was in a good mood, we were getting along fine, and then dh made an off-hand comment about how he bought a scrub brush to clean the tub "Since you haven't done it in months". It has actually only been a couple of weeks, but he had been saying he would do it.
I was so mad. I ended up storming up the stairs and scrubbing the bathroom, then going to bed and have been pissed since. I would have gotten over it, if had he apologized for the comment. But he is walking around smiling and whistling and saying he doesn't understand what my problem is, he is trying so hard to be nice. I think he is being passive-aggressive, making a comment he knows will trigger me, then acting all innocent to make me look crazy.
Or am I crazy?
You reacted !!! Plain n
You reacted !!! Plain n simple
I would have sat there n done nothing n just said ~ I thought you said you were going to do it. !!! Real calm ~ sarcasm is inward aggression.
He got your goat that time.
He got your goat that time. Stop doing more than your share.
Sit down and make a list of chores and split it, heavy load his list with weekend stuff and you keep the lighter weight daily chores such as washing dishes. He's perfectly capable of spending all day Saturday doing household chores and recruiting the kid to help him is perfect quality time for a child.
Once you are happy with the arrangement stop doing anything that's on his list.
You stormed upstairs and
You stormed upstairs and scrubbed the bathroom? Pfft. I'd have taken that scrub brush and whopped the jerk over the head with it.
Get out of that bed and march over to DH and tell him this crap stops and it stops now. You are NOT the household maid. You are not the built-in babysitter/chauffer. If he doesn't shut his a**hole mouth and willingly and gladly do what you deem is a fair half of the house chores you intend to hand him a bill for maid service along with daycare/taxi cab expenses for the child care/transporting you do. Hand him his chore list and n the other hand have the bill prepared if he puts up a fuss or cops an attitude.
dh made an off-hand comment
dh made an off-hand comment about how he bought a scrub brush to clean the tub "Since you haven't done it in months".
You should've said, "Oh good, I'll leave you to it then."
He wanted to get to you and he did and I know it's hard not to react, I probably would've done the same thing. Next time, don't. It's hard, but it's what you need to do.
Yes, he's a passive-aggressive ass.
Two of my days off this week I am babysitting for him (all day long) because he will be away and didn't want to ask bm to take sd
Next time, let him deal with BM.
Don't forget about the
Don't forget about the "Somebody around here has to work full time so you can do the chores".
Don't let him tell you he is being a teacher and all, he's got three months he could be using the income to paying down the mortgage or car loan, or retirement plan instead of loafing around the house.
Got it. I knew it was stupid
Got it. I knew it was stupid when I cleaned out the tub... but at the moment, I just *needed* to.
I don't mind watching sd once in a while. She is good for me and we have fun together. Bm flips if dh asks her to take sd an extra day or to switch days.
I feel justified in being pissed off... but then I think, but it was one little comment. But it is the comment in the context of everything, I guess.
He is so stupid, too, because I would have been fine with the arrangement if he wouldn't be a jerk about it. I don't mind that he is doing nothing all summer. But to do nothing all summer and then complain because *I* didn't clean the tub?! Are you kidding me?!?
Sit down make a list of
Sit down make a list of everything to be done - lawn care, transport kids, meal prep, etc. Write it down n divvy it up - in writing. Alternate terrible chores like bathrooms. Do not agree until you are satisfied.
I wouldn't have done anything
I wouldn't have done anything around the house until he apologized to me. Fuck that!! Let's just consider this a warning, but you will NEVER let that happen again! He can't disrespect you like that.
Right now that I'm unemployed I do most things, but DH helps. Technically the kids help a lot too with the chores I give them.
But when I was working, i still didn't really expect him to keep up on things as frequently as I, because I keep things cleaner generally. I gave him things to do that I really really hated doing in exchange for me doing little things more often, like picking up the house, etc.I would have him do the kitchen and the bathtubs etc, I hate that. We'd do laundry together.
We talked, but he really
We talked, but he really didn't have much to say. He gave a half-hearted apology "I'm sorry I said that." But I want a sincere apology.
I decided I am on vacation the rest of summer. I work 6x what he does over the summer away from home, so I think it is fair that he do 6x the chore load. If we estimate the chores at 20 hours/week (which I don't think it is that high), then I should do 30 hours over the summer. I have exceeded that already, so I am taking a break
I am going to clean up after myself- cook for myself and do my dishes, do my laundry. Other than that, he can take care of it. I think he underestimates the amount that I do.
Sd is in camp M-F from 8-6 btw, so it isn't like he is busy with her.
During the school year, he thinks I should do more of the chores than he does, because I get three days off- but we BOTH work the same total number of hours in a week. Me a little more, in fact. I come home after a ten hour day at work year round and immediately start making dinner. He comes home, has three hours to relax before sd comes home.
He was gone yesterday for 10 hours for the training. When he got home, I said, Okay, now go into the kitchen and make dinner for everyone. And do it with a smile. And if someone gets in your way, just give them a hug! To try to give him an idea of what it is I do.
I know I allowed myself to get into this position, but it happened gradually. When we got together, everything was done jointly. And I have backed off a lot, actually. I used to come home, make dinner, set the table, then clean up. And that was BEFORE we got a dishwasher lol. Then I insisted he had to start helping and he agreed to load/empty the dishwasher- but I had to keep doing the pots and pans.
And like I said, I don't even really care if I do more of the chores, I would be willing to do that, but his attitude that I should be doing more than I am, when really I am already doing more than I should just irks me.
If we are still together at the end of summer, then we can renegotiate from a clean slate.
He also not once said thank you to me for watching sd for two full days. Well, until after our discussion last night, in which he said, "Of course I appreciate you helping me out." when I pointed out he never thanked me.