DH not concerned with SS16 behavior am I overthinking
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SS16 spent 80 percent of summer sleeping till 4pm or 5pm then staying up all night watching tv till 6am or 7am. SS16 has no friends and hardly goes outside unless we force him. SS16 has no hobbies except watching tv or playing video games. Don't think SS16 brushed his teeth in over a month. DH feels oh well let him get cavities then he will have to go get them fixed.
Yes DH has forced SS16 to do things but it's so much work just to get SS16 to do the basics DH is Emotionally drained. DH basically feels screw it SS16 will either figure it out or he will be flipping burgers at 40.
First do you think DH is doing the right thing by just letting SS16 learn by Natural consequences?
School? Friends?
Is he back in school? How does he do? Any friends, real or virtual? What does he talk about? How does he look?
School starts after Labor Day
School starts after Labor Day so SS16 has not started yet. He does ok in school as far as grades C and B mostly. SS16 was a bully when he was younger(Elementary school) . Now that the boys his age are mostly taller/bigger and punch harder SS16 no longer gets in trouble for Behavior.
No to friends either Virtual for real. SS16 talks mostly about his video games or tv shows he watches not really anything else
At least he learned his lesson on bullying.
If nothing else, he may avoid getting his ass kicked for targetting the wrong victim to bully.
Better news, he launches in two years and can then finish growing up on his own time and his own dime.
Natural consequences can work
Natural consequences can work if DH will let SS bear the consequences. Where does DH think SS will be living at 40 flipping burgers? If it's in your basement, then natural consequences won't work.
And who will be paying the dental bills? From your post it does not appear the SS had a job to earn the money this summer.
Honestly
Honestly DH does not have the money to support SS16 into his 20s and 30s. The BM seahag ruined DH Financially. Luckily I'm the one with the money in the family and control my own money separate back accounts. DH KNOWS he is to pay his share of the bills and what's left he can do whatever but it's not much
Your husband is lazy.. and
Your husband is lazy.. and poor man is "too worn down" to parent? Sure.. natural consequences can kick in.... sort of how they did with the bullying.. the other kids got stronger.. it was no longer a good option for him.
But... what parent just lets a kid be feral? why not set limits for screen times.. cut off internet.. take phone at night.. insist on him being up and out of his room by 8 am? 16 and doesn't brush his teeth? what other hygiene does he lack? that's ridiculous... the kid should have had these habits down for a decade.
At this rate.. he WILL live with you guys for a long time.. and I doubt you will be able to put your foot down on that.. his dad doesn't do the right thing now? why do you think he will later?
You know who cares about
You know who cares about tooth-brushing? People who pay dental bills. Your DH must not.
You are not overthinking this
You are not overthinking this, not at all. However, your DuH clearly hasn't thought this through. His job as a parent is to raise his son to be a decent and autonomous adult. He is not doing his job. Poor dear is too tired? How tiring will the rest of his life be because he's supporting the kid he couldn't be bothered raising properly? Imagine if he can't afford to retire because he was too busy letting his son run feral?
He may not have the money to support his son for the next few decades right now but what choice does he have? He clearly doesn't have the character to enforce Rags' burning platform, will he have the emotional strength to kick his son out? Will his conscience allow him to do that when the reason his son is capable of nothing is because he didn't do his job right?
How will he manage if/when you decide to leave him? He must be counting on you to pay his son's dental bills, either that or he has no idea how much dental care due to neglect (which is avoidable) can be.
Maybe you should
Get SS some real help. Someone to talk to. Thy to solve some problems now., not in the future. I am not the person to talk about todays generation. But he'll never hurts
Your husband is being a lazy
Your husband is being a lazy parent which means you are going to have a 25 yr old loser living in your house one day.
School starts in a week. Time to change the sleep schedule back.
He's 16, does he have his license? If not, that needs to be a requirement to be completed ASAP.
Either way on driving, time for a job. Jobs are also a great place for teens to make friends outside of school.
I would also have the requirement for one club or school sport. He needs them to get into college, so no more play time. This is his Jr. year. Time's up! My son did bowling and robotics club. They have stuff for those awkard teens, he just has to show up!
SS16 has do Desire to learn to drive
SS16 has do Desire to learn to drive as there is no place or anyone he wants to go visit.Its just a struggle to get him to walk the dog around the block. SS16 never wanted or has a cell phone. Again who would he call. DH is not pushing these as DH car insurance will go up adding SS and cell phones cost money.
DH tired a number of school clubs and sports when SS was younger and SS16 had to be FORCED into them and made us all miserable. If SS showed even a hint of interest in anything DH would jump on it.
SS16 Literally sleeps 10-12 hours gets up to eat and watch tv then goes back to bed.
What makes a teen to have Literally no ambition?
The driving would mean he is
The driving would mean he is working and driving to and from work- which get's him out of the house!
As for the no ambition- that has to be forceably fixed. I would seriously FORCE him to be in a club. Any club. Pick 1!
The solution is in the original post.
Take every screen. No TV, no video games.
He already does not have a phone.
Take away his life, he will find something else to do or somewhere else to be.
Shut off the cable, the WiFi so he can't stream and hand him a book. War & Piece, the classics, etc... Then, Have him hand write a paper on each book after he reads it. All in perfect hand writing, perfect grammar, and perfect punctuation.
This kid is a lost cause without extraordinary action that ends life as he knows it.
Regardless of what time he goes to bed, he gets up at 06:00. He does hard labor chores in the yard during the heat of the day. His down time is reading then writing perfect hadwritten book reports.
Lather, rinse, repeat until he is 18 and graduates HS.
Then.... he lives on a burning platform sweating a life of increased abject misery until he launches.
It works.
Please read this
SS might be more motivated to actually live his life if all choices were taken away from him. Below is one solution...
https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/teenage-stepchildren/burning-pl...
No, DH is not doing the right thing. The right thing...
would be bringing consequences so unpleasant to bear on SS-16 that he would immediately retreat snivvling in a corner at the thought of violating immediately applied and enforced standards of behavior and performance.
First... eleminate all exlectronics, screens, etc... from his life. Not just deny him access, pile them in the drive way and drive over them repeatedly with a car. Shut down any internet access when he is in the home.
At this stage, a pleasant childhood experience is long gone. SS needs harsh reality and a clear understanding that he is out on his 18th birthday or the day of his expected HS gradaution. If he is 18 and fails to graduate on time... Buh-bye
We had to light a burning platform and keep increasing the temp of unpleasant daily life for SS-31 to launch.
He graduated on time from HS at 17 and with honors. That was a struggle. We gave him the summer on our dime, His 18th B-day was his last day as a kid in our family. The next day, since he did not have a job nor was he enrolled in college, he became our live in beck-and-call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kids ass off.
He had a comprehensive chore list that he had to have done each day, then he prepared dinner, and cleaned up after dinner. If he got it all done, he got to stay and do it all again the next day. If he did not get it all done, he was on the curb the next AM when we left for work. Once we got home, he had to get the unfinished jobs from the previous day done, and everything on the list for the day he spent on the curb.
He only tested us twice. He learned that if he was an adult and expected to live in our home, be fed, clothed, etc... He had to work.
After 4mos of beck-and-call boy exhaustion, he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. He continued his live in house boy job until we dropped him of at MEPS to head to BMT 9mos after his 18th B-day . 12+ years later, he is a recognized leader in his profession, a man of character and honor, and a man of standing in his community.
It is not easy to hold a kid accountable for their choices. However, a parents job is to raise children to viable adulthood. At 16, there isn't much time left for DH to be a successful parent to this kid.
Folding his parent hand at this point, ends any chance DH has of redeeming himself as a father to this kid, and significantly minimized any chance this kid has of being a viable adult.
IMHO of course.
Where does SS live??
If BM air letting him to sleep until 4 or 5pm. Not much DH can do except talk to BM. When he's with you, ,, He must get up at 9 am ( insert time). And has things to do. Cut the grass, clean up Paint the fence NO letting SS do nothing isn't helping him. Maybe he can find a job for a few hours a day. Some place where he can meet friends.
At 16;in a few years he's going to be in college, having to actually have to get up by himself to go to classes. Clean his clothes,, buy thing he needs. Tooth paste,,,, And study. DH should be parenting him to get him ready for the future.