To Divorce or Not
I feel completely lost.
Relationship with SD 22 broke down 6 months ago and we don't speak anymore. My wife and I are moving with our 2 biological sons and this involved cleaning out the atic space. I found property belonging to SD (a lapdancing pole) and dropped it off at her address this morning.
This evening she decided to cause a huge argument because I dropped it off and told me I wasn't allowed at her home. I responded telling her she was no longer welcome in my home and out of anger told her she wasn't seeing my children anymore. I've since retracted this and recognised it wasn't the way to go.
To my wife's credit she came home and wasn't an arse with me and I caused the fight because I was hurt but it feels like this split in our family is too big. When we argue about it we both end up talking about splitting up.
I know she is in a very difficult situation and I don't expect her to sacrifice her relationship with her daughter but I'm not letting SD speak to me disrespectfully and have no consequences.
It's a massive mess and I feel like it might be too hard to carry on. It's not what I want but I don't want to get to the stage where we hate each other and it affects our boys.
I have no idea what to do.
A temporary separation might
A temporary separation might be next, give everyone to cool down.
As for the SD, her mother can see her outside of the house and you need to just disengage from her totally. The bios don't need to see her right, she sounds like a hot mess right now. Not everyone slides into adulthood gracefully. Boundaries are your friend. SD put some in place, you put some in place. Respect them.
I agree with this. Sorry you
I agree with this. Sorry you're having such a hard time.
Thanks
Thank you. It just feels like no matter what I decide none of them have a good outcome.
Access
My wife won't allow me to prevent access of SD to her brothers but I've told her all access now needs to be supervised.
I've told her SD isn't welcome in our home and must wait outside if she is coming to see her.
My wife refuses to see how toxic SD is being and why I have concerns and I don't seem to have the language to explain. Every time it's discussed we row.
Anyone who can't treat both
Anyone who can't treat both me and my husband with respect don't get to have a relationship with my kids. Period. I wouldn't let her near your kids. Who knows if she might decide to try and turn them against you?
Supervised Contact
I've told her all contact with SD must be supervised now until I'm confident she isn't poisoning my children against me.
I've said anything that is fed back through SD will not be listened to and if she is unable to have contact and not discuss me then contact will be limited.
It hurts that after 16 years of raising her and paying for everything it's come to this.
first off, if you find
first off, if you find something of hers, tell your wife and if it's not given over throw it out after 48 hrs.
second, your wife is more than able to form a relationship w/ her daughter outside your home.
have you considered marital counselling? it may be the last thing that can be done to save what you know is falling apart.
Have you thought about trying
Have you thought about trying to do family counseling with your SD? It feels like your relationship with her has been painted into a corner. Perhaps her GF is controlling and you represented a threat to her... and so you were who the GF focused the war on.
It's tough to understand though.. as her only father figure.. to have all feelings turn like a light switch.. I would be interested in figuring out how to fix it vs setting up isolated camps at war.
I would also consider that divorce would likely cause more issues.. as your kids would then be given free access to their older sister.. but add in the resentment of the family breaking up.. you would probably be an even bigger scapegoat.
But, counseling wiht your sd.. and with your wife (separately).. seem in order.. I would hope the goal could be to mend fences.. not create more isolation for yourself.
That’s the million $ question.
DW has to do something, she can't just wish things will change. If SD means so much to DW. Let SD support her. I know DW wants a '''Happy Family ''' Maybe seeing someone is a answer. Just you two to start to get your relationship right firstWorldView Legion