Divorce or put up with DH's crap?
I wrote in the blended family issues forum yesterday about this, but I wanted to get some more advice. The SHORT story is that my DH and I have been married only 5 months but have been together 3 years and have lived together 2 of those years (I’ve also known him since I was a kid). This is the first marriage for both of us (he has SD4 but he was never married to BM). In the few years we have been together, we have had a LOT of issues with SD, BM, his laziness (refusing to get a real job so that he can pay his share of the bills, etc.). I have come to realize that we just are not very compatible at all. We don’t have the same goals in life. We don’t want/care about the same things. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but is love really enough? I’ve dealt with SD, but as far as the other issues go, I don’t know what to do. I want to do things with my life. I’m 26 with a career and no kids. He’s 30 with no career and no plans on ever having one and obviously has SD. Every day I just feel sad knowing there is no way I can have the life I always wanted with DH. But I love him with all my heart… does that make any sense? Sorry if I am rambling.. I am just typing as I am thinking here.. Last night I actually brought home divorce papers (yes, it’s gotten that bad). We have tried counseling before and that didn’t really help. The problem is, I don’t want a divorce! I want my marriage to work and I love my DH. But I have tried everything I can think of to get him to stop with his lazy ways, but he just won’t. He is selfish and refuses to compromise on anything. He’s just a really shitty husband. All my family and friends think he’s a loser. I’m lost. My DH has a "my way or the highway" attitude so I don't feel like I have many options.. either continue letting him get his way on EVERYTHING or leave. 
Sounds like you don't want a
Sounds like you don't want a marriage with him specifically, you want a marriage with an improved version of him that isn't lazy, stubborn, and selfish...which probably isn't happening.
If you're very conflicted, I'd set a deadline in my mind...like 6 months, a year, whatever...and dedicate myself to improving my marriage...if things don't improve by the deadline, I'd leave and know I did everything I could. If he improves, and your marriage is better, that's great too!
And above all, don't get pregnant, lol!
That is a good idea. This is
That is a good idea. This is our latest issue- now keep in mind, something like this happens EVERY DAY so if you think it’s not a big issue, just imagine dealing with something like this every day lol-
We are currently renting a small 2 bedroom house. Since we started renting that house 2 years ago, I have almost doubled my salary. Naturally, I want something better. DH has horrible credit so we cannot buy a house together. I really don’t have a problem with renting so I have been looking at better, bigger houses to rent. I found one that I LOVE but his response was that he doesn’t even see why we need to move, we are fine where we are, etc. Excuse me?? Who doesn’t want better things in life if you can have them?? It makes no sense to me.
Then there’s the issue with his dogs- they are about 5 years old and are not housebroken- they crap all over the basement floor and so I flat out told him they cannot come to a new house and be allowed to destroy that house too. It’s disgusting. Well he said he’s not coming to a new house unless his dogs can come. So basically he chose his dogs over his wife lol. It’s so ridiculous it’s borderline comical.
What I think: 1. You DON'T
What I think:
1. You DON'T WANT A DIVORCE, you want to be married
2. You want to be married to him, but want him to be someone he is NOT
3. Do you really love him if you want him to be someone he is NOT?
Not saying anything bad about YOU per se...just saying that what you truly want and what you have are very different.
There are many things people can change...but if someone has NO DESIRE to do better career wise, that is NOT something that changes. You are either a driven person to do better or you are not.
You CAN change your hair color, you CAN change and not play so much golf, you CANNOT change your personality to be more career driven, just like you really can't change your IQ. It is what it is.
If you have no kids together, I think you need to find someone more like you or accept what he is. Is he a great father? Could it be that this now sucks but he would be a GREAT stay at home dad and you wouldn't mind being the breadwinner? If you can't even imagine that, then maybe he really isn't the guy for you.
For example, it drives me NUTs that my DH is VERY laid back at home...he would rather have a drink and dance with me than clean the house...BUT, I have to say that I can balance that and feel that although sometimes that drives me NUTS, it is also a good thing because when I am overwhelmed or upset or angry, he is there...laid back, ready to let the house stuff slide, just to have a good time with me and make me feel better. Does that make sense? So you need to at least be able to see some positive from what he does that drives you nuts or it's really not a good deal.
Good luck!
I guess that kind of is how
I guess that kind of is how it is.. I mean it’s not ONLY his lack of a career; I just used that as an example. He is just generally lazy. He’s lazy with his job, his relationship with me (no effort), his parenting (guilty dad- lets his kid do what she wants because it’s easier than raising her properly), even his dogs (lets them crap in the house because he’s too lazy to let them out and train them properly- and these are dogs he had before he was with me so I did not contribute to that issue). He has no ambition/motivation to do much of anything, including improving our marriage. I probably should not have even married him in the first place, but what’s done is done and I am just trying to figure out what to do going forward.
With all that extra stuff,
With all that extra stuff, then I think you have your answer. Divorce sucks, but as a friend once told me...better to say "wow, I lost 3 years of my life with this ahole..." than wait another 10 years and say "wow, I lost 13 years of my life with this ahole"...lol
^^^^THIS
^^^^THIS
Thank you. You know what.. I
Thank you. You know what.. I never really thought about whether or not I respect him.. Thinking about it now and am sad to say I really can’t think of anything about him that I respect. Isn’t that horrible?!
If the kids are spoiled, so
If the kids are spoiled, so will his dogs be. I've been through this too. The "doggy" was growling, snipping at our baby, shitting the floor if not fed as soon as waking, fleas, on ALL of the furniture, barked like crazy if left in the home.
Poor doggy wound up missing. You can't do that with their kids though.
Yes! Lol! These dogs are
Yes! Lol! These dogs are HORRIBLE & I am not exaggerating! They have to be kept in the basement because they are so vicious- they have bit me, my SD and my dog (without provocation- just attacked). It’s nuts!!
WHY ARE THEY THERE THEN? THEY
WHY ARE THEY THERE THEN? THEY BIT A CHILD?! NO WAY NO HOW.
Like I said, let the mutts accidently run away.... far away... oops, I couldn't catch them!
Because DH flat out refuses
Because DH flat out refuses to get rid of them. I even offered to help him find them a good home- with no kids or other pets- & he just refuses. He doesn't care about anyone else. Believe me, I have been thinking for a long time of how to get those dogs out of my house but I can't come up with an explanation for how they got out of that basement.
I guess I should add, the
I guess I should add, the dogs are yorkies so I guess DH thinks their behavior isn't that big of a deal because they are small.
Being a former veterinary
Being a former veterinary tech, rescue worker and dog trainer - these dogs need some heavy training or they'll become a huge liability! If they injure someone, you can be sued...I wouldn't own such dogs especially around children.
What breed are they?
Interesting...although I
Interesting...although I think she could just as easily divorce and get counseling because I do agree, that we DO make the same mistakes unless we figure out WHY were made such poor decisions to begin with. But, you are right too that if love was enough before, maybe counseling will help for now and let that same love take you through to make sure this is indeed the decision that is right for YOU.
We have been to counseling
We have been to counseling together, but I probably should go by myself. I must have some kind of issues to stay in this type of relationship where I am not respected or appreciated and then to marry the man. You are absolutely right. Marrying him was a complete mistake and if I could go back in time I would, but I can’t.
Comfortable doesn't mean
Comfortable doesn't mean Happy.
You are comfortable in the relationship, but you are not happy. Don't assume you have to be uncomfortable to be unhappy - that is what makes it hard for you.
You deserve to be happy above all else, comfort comes with time.
" Love was enough then, so
" Love was enough then, so why not now?"
good point. That is why most marriages fail. We all bail out too soon because of quicky divorces. Marriage is now a "fad", not a commitment. Not to mention how the baggage piles up. I should know, I am guilty too. Minus one "doggy."
Or we take the step knowing
Or we take the step knowing we shouldn't and deep inside hoping that marriage will be the change that makes it all better - that was my mistake - I was comfortable but unhappy - comfortable in the sense that nothing was really bad when my BF and I of a few years were living together, things were ok, so when the marriage proposal came up, I knew it wasn't what I really wanted but yet, what did I really want? I didn't think far enough ahead to how I really wanted my life to be and assumed that marriage was the next logical step everyone takes - so I took it and I think I was hoping that would fix the things that weren't quite what I wanted....
In reality, all it did was solidfy that the man I had now married wasn't what I really wanted. Its not that he was an awful person, he just wasn't what I had in mind for my own personal future and unfortunately it took being married to come to the conclusion that, this was it now, and its not what I want and now I don't know how to get out exactly because I am now married.
That was my mistake, I was comfortable enough living with my BF because playing house it was just fine - but once married it wasn't what I really wanted for my future.
I personally was a very sad
I personally was a very sad widow in my early 30's and had lost BSoldest dad to cancer. I had started drinking wine like crazy, I found "Mr . Goodbar".(DH) I made my own bed.
Years later and very sober I look back and ask myself what I was thinking. I've got BS1 though. He saved my life actually.
I understand your points. The
I understand your points. The thing with my DH is that he has this “my way or the highway” attitude- basically, when we have an issue- which we ALWAYS do, we never really resolve that issue- he just decides what he is going to do and it doesn’t matter what I want or how I feel. Just like the house I mentioned above- he knew how much I wanted that house, but he didn’t want to move and so we aren’t moving. When someone is so selfish like this, I really don’t know what other options there are- if you have any ideas, PLEASE let me know- because I don’t want to just keep sucking it up and letting him have his way, but the other option is divorce. He refuses to compromise on anything.
You can't stay unhappy. I
You can't stay unhappy. I want to move to another house/ city as well. DH acts like this house is his personal harem though. Does he understand how I feel in the wake of his ex? SAME SCHOOLS, etc. as his "other" child? Um, no. I want a clean slate.
Pretty soon, he is going to have to decide. I don't care if he is not a block away from BM. Sorry, but this woman has ruined our names, schools and all. I'm supposed to suck it up too.
Decide for YOU. I'm working on that too.
I dated a guy from when I was
I dated a guy from when I was 18 till I was 22. I loved him, he was really good looking and we never ever fought. We had alot of fun together too. But it just didn't feel right. I hated his family. He had no career goals. I felt like we were really good friends but something was missing. I hated where we were living, he loved it. We lived in a downstairs apt from his parents and that was a nightmare. Deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be.
Out of the blue I broke up with him after 4 years together because he proposed and I couldn't do it. I have never regretted that decision. I loved him but maybe I was not in love with him. I saw my life going in a different direction.
And now I am married to DH and I love him to death. I miss him when he is at work all day, I look forward to seeing him, he owns a company and works his ass off to provide for me and the kids, he always puts me first and we respect each other. I could not imagine my life without him. Sometimes you are just with the wrong person and it has to end. If you are wishing he was different then maybe you need someone different. There is nothing about DH I would want to change.