Do I have a right to...and if not how do I swallow my pride?
I've been looking through, and have posted a little, in the bio-free forum because I don't have my own children. I feel as though I need some guidance, if you will, from everyone. A little background is that I've been with my DH and SD13 for 7 years and I've raised my SD13 during that time. BM has been in and out of the picture since SD was 2, and my DH has had full custody since that time. BM has put SD13 through hell and has been out of the picture for the last 3 years until recently. She has had on and off visitation for the past 6 years, mostly court ordered no physical contact. For the last 3 months, SD13 has had supervised visitation one hour per week with BM at a court ordered location with professional supervision.
Anyway, so things were great and I was "mom" for about 6 years. Last year, BM started filling SD13's head full of BS (via phone conversations) and that made SD want BM to be her mom more and more. She has been rejecting me and being hateful toward me for about a year. When this started I completely disengaged, and actually through a fit because all of a sudden I was a huge piece of crap and I meant nothing to SD. I couldn't take it and just stopped parenting. Things have been absolutely terrible. SD's, once in the 90s grades, are now barely passing and she doesn't care. She hates me, I make her miserable, and all she wants is her BM. BM can do no wrong and I'm in the way of them being the perfect family (haha, I have to laugh). So SD13 tells BM how awful I am, how my DH and I fight all the time, and now BM has ammunition against us (well, just that home life isn't the greatest I suppose). SD13 has been having freedom restrictions because of her behaviors and she is finding ways to be sneaky and just shows she doesn't care. For example, calling BM when we're not around (before she goes to school and we're both at work) and telling her that her life sucks and we're just awful.
I feel that the way I've been with SD has caused a huge issue and I'm worried that my behaviors may have caused her to break out and want to live with BM and maybe BM would be more unsupervised visitation. We're getting SD into counseling but the wait is still another month. The biggest problem I have is the fact that, about a year ago, I was the authority and I was "mom" and then all of a sudden I was a piece of crap that am making her life a living hell. She hates me, and honestly I've been beginning to hate her. I feel that she's been ruining my life and that what I've done for her has been a waste of time, energy and it's been giving me anxiety and making me sick. Do I have a right to get upset about how I've protected SD13 and now I have to watch her reject me and want to be with BM? Do I have a right to be upset that BM uses this stuff to side with SD and reaffirm to her that I'm a piece of crap? How do I let those feelings go for my own sanity? If I can't let them go, seriously be rid of them, I will absolutely have to leave my house. I've been contemplating leaving for a long time because I'm so hurt but as my DH says to me, I'm the cause for why I feel this way because I take everything to heart and I can't deal with my SD eventually being able to see BM. I know that BM will eventually have unsupervised visitation with SD unless she really screws up, but I feel like DH is fine with that, because as he says "it is what it is". I can't accept that and that's my problem. What the hell do I do with these feelings of resentment and hurt?
BM is a very troubled woman,
BM is a very troubled woman, but SD is always going to love her. She is still her mother. She's pushing you aside and is thrilled that BM is finally in her life more. That's what she's always wanted- to have her mom more involved.
SD knows you are a safe target. You don't have to take her rudeness. When she is being rude, you say, "please don't speak to me in that tone. I don't do nice things for people who are rude to me" or "I don't do nice things for people who don't treat me respectfully."
What you've done for her hasn't been a waste of time. You're a good person for doing what you did. I think you need to disengage and let DH deal with her more. She needs a ride somewhere? He gives her one or finds other arrangements. He can't watch her? He makes other arrangements. Her laundry? Either of them can do it (if she knows how). She needs help on homework? He will have to help or she will have to call a friend.
It also doesn't help you that she's a teen. She's going to test the waters. She's hormonal. But that doesn't mean you have to take her rude behavior.
Before you disengage though, you should seek counseling for yourself, suggest DH get some for SD and google Dr. Richard Warshak. There are some excellent parental alienation resources for kids. One great DVD is called "Welcome Back Pluto." It's great for kids her age and helps them figure out the truth.
My behaviors toward SD, since
My behaviors toward SD, since my hissy fit last year, have been completely disengaging. I do not do anything for her, well lately I have a little more when my DH and SD said they wanted things to go back to the way they used to be, but it's been difficult for me. SD blames me for EVERYTHING, I'm the reason why things are the way with BM, not BM's actions. I know I'm not her mother, never will be, but it's not fair to forget everything I've done for her and everything BM's done to her. I had a bit of a break down last year, and basically told DH and SD13 to go to hell (in not so many words). I was being crapped on for a long time and I had enough when SD said that I'm not her parent and her mother is her mother and that's the way it is. I understand that but it was hurtful of her to disregard me (when she's ALWAYS thought of me as her parent) and suddenly love and want BM again. It was a shocking revelation on her part and I thought I was going to die at that moment. I said she was ungrateful and I couldn't take her behaviors toward me anymore and I wanted nothing to do with parenting her if she was going to treat me that way. I told her that DH is the sole parent now, and if she needs guidance it's him and her BM, not me as she so clearly stated that she didn't want me.
Since that moment, things have been awful in the house. I will say though that I had no anxiety, I wasn't depressed, I felt free of responsibilities and I was happier! Now that I'm around more, I hate it. I miss my husband, all we do/did was fight about SD and BM. Everything that we were accomplishing with SD has been thrown out the window and it's INCREDIBLY disappointing and hurtful. I'm unsure of how I can live in this. I'm sick of SD affecting this house so much and my life, and my relationship with my husband. I'm sick of her. I think I'm just going to need to let her figure it out without me getting in the way of her and BM's relationship. Focus on things with my DH and if that doesn't get better then get out of here!
Doesn't it tell you something
Doesn't it tell you something that things were awful in the house yet you were happier? How does one negotiate such extreme circumstances? It sounds like such a confusing and horrible way to live for an adult let alone a little girl.
It's really insensitive of DH
It's really insensitive of DH to say that you are the cause of the problem because you're over sensitive. It's an argument my husband tried when I was distraught after my relationship with SS fell apart. Yes, I'm a thoughtful sensitive person, that's why I put so much care and effort into my relationships with his children, effort which was to his and their advantage. It's ungrateful and a shocking double standard to take all that love and care, and then offer little in the way of understanding and support when things go wrong. It's ok to have a big heart when you're pouring it all over their child, but not when the child behaves in a hurtful way and your heart gets broken. Then you're supposed to suck it up and not be a soft caring person any more.
It would be hard enough to accept BMs increasing role, without It being accompanied by hostile behaviour from SD. Your husbands relationship with SD isn't in jeopardy, and loving his daughter never took as much effort as it did for you - that love comes pre-programmed for the bio parent, so he just doesn't understand how you feel, and worse doesn't seem to be trying. As a bare minimum he should be enforcing courteous behaviour from his daughter. You have EVERY right to be upset, and every right to expect your husband to be immensely apologetic and sympathetic about the situation. Your position is made worse by the fact that you have to live with this day in and day out - at least we were non custodial and when SS decided he didn't like me he just stopped coming. I found that hard enough so God knows how you feel. I don't know what the answer is for you, you could try talking to DH again, you could try counselling to help you cope, you could spend more time away from the house, you could hope that SD will eventually leave, but I don't know if any of that can get you past the way you feel.
Kids reaching the age of
Kids reaching the age of puberty are tough to deal with and quite often hateful, stepchildren are probably even worse. I wonder, if you can look at it this way, that her lashing out at you is actually treating you MORE like a true bioparent than she is treating her BM. That's not to say her actions are to be condoned, because they definitely aren't--but BM is not a true parent until she's experienced the rebellion and anger and heartbreak and rejection that only children can dish out to their parents. In that way, you are far more a true parent than BM is because you're going through all that right now,
In this case, I think counseling is the best way to go and you guys are already doing the right thing. You just need to hold out until the sessions start. 13 is a confusing age and you guys are doing the right thing. Still, the best thing is be a united front against her behavior, talk it out in therapy, and be as calm as you can--BM only wins if she causes a reaction. Don't give her thats satisfaction
I know you're right in saying
I know you're right in saying that when kids say that their parents are ruining their lives, then maybe they're doing something right, haha. It's just a tough pill to swallow. I'm worried that my behaviors have shown that BM has won a little bit in the past year, and I'm worried I've given ammunition for BM in courts. The judge hates BM, in our city, there's only one main judge overseeing family court - and he's made it clear over 11 years that BM is a scumbag human being. I need to figure out how to remedy the situation, deal with my own crap on the matter, and move forward with DH. It's ultimately him I married and wanted a life with, I didn't sign up for this to just be a "mother" of a motherless child and then leave when she's 18 because my job would be over. Reminding myself that it's DH I'm here for is something that's been lost along the way.
Wouldn't a step-parent
Wouldn't a step-parent disengagement help the step-child's feeling about loyalty? Now the child is free to see the bio-parent as they really are without being blinded by the need to force out the step-parent. I'm saying that good or bad, whatever the bio-parent is, the child is now free of any need to choose.
Plus if the bio-parent realizes the step-parent isn't involved in the kids life then the need to complete and bad-mouth the step-parent dissolves at least to some degree if not entirely.
Plus a step-parent needs to recognize that its a unwinnable battle. Blood is indeed thicker than water. Why engage in a war than one cannot possibly win?
I agree--and sticking it out
I agree--and sticking it out is fine and dandy if you have the skin for it, but when it's affecting your health and your emotions, to the point where it's hurting your view on life, yourself, and your relationships, it's better to step back. Your health, emotional and physical, is also of utmost importance, especially if you have other children involved. You can't truly take care of others well, unless you take care of yourself.
And it's a two way street--the kids may fear that the stepparent won't love them as much as their own, but the stepparent KNOWS that the kids (most of the time) won't love them as much as they do their bioparents. Coupled with loyalty issues, the SM stepping back is often the breath of relief everyone needs.
See, in an intact family, no matter how overbearing the mother is, the children may hate them and treat them poorly during their rebellious years, but they will always still love them int he end. It's not true for steps, unfortunately, and still being as protective and mother like can often end in true hate.
I think that my SD13
I think that my SD13 rejection and hatred toward me is caused by me being upset by her really wanting to be with BM. Maybe she's angry that it's been me all these years and not her real mother. Is it wrong of me to think that being 13 is old enough for her to make up her own mind about her BM instead of my DH and I standing in the way to protect her? That's the cross roads I'm at...isn't it time that she figure it out herself because of her resentment toward us in protecting her?