My insecurities shine through, yet again!

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The littlest things set me off about BM, as I'm sure many of you experience. I thought I've been very good about keeping my composure lately, but I had a semi blow-up today with my DH before SD13 got home from school. The scenario:
Lately, like the past month or so, BM has been calling SD13 multiple times a day. SD of course wants to talk for extremely long lengths of time, with her newly acquired "friend" in BM. It's soooo annoying and inappropriate because:
BM has just started having supervised visitation at a professional center with SD13, for 2 hours every other Saturday. Before November, when this started, she had no physical contact with SD for nearly 3 years. Before that, it was supervised visits only for almost a year.
Anyway, my DH thinks I'm a lunatic in getting upset that my SD wants to speak with BM all the time. Yes, I appreciate the fact that she desperately wants a relationship with absent crazy woman, but at the same time, I know that BM's motives are not in the right place considering the lengthy and nasty 13 years of SD's life. DH also tells me that I'm the crazy one for being concerned, upset and hurt by all of this. He will not limit their contact (fear of violating the court order) and doesn't care that it's a huge concern of mine. Let alone the fact that BM is pure poison and letting her consume SD's life like this every day is not healthy. It's such a tease and the woman brings nothing to the table but siding with SD when she's grounded with us.
Question:
How do you get over it? How do I just deal with all the phone calls? How do I deal with SD wanting this relationship soooo bad and that the BM is intruding in on our "normal" lives? Do I have a right to feel hurt and upset by this, or is my DH right in saying I'm the crazy one?
Every day, for years I have woken up and thought about this, it consumes my life and it's not fair. I have no clue how to not feel concern and hurt. These thoughts consume me all the time: BM will get SD to want to go live with her and she will.
On my way to work last week, I thought about what will happen when SD turns 18 and nearly started crying because I felt free. I felt like my thoughts wouldn't be worried and concerned and hurt over jealousy with absent BM. I would be happy not thinking about it. I cannot believe just how much this consumes me and just how much I cannot get over it. Trust me, talking to someone who doesn't understand just doesn't help at all, for me anyway.

The biological parents and

The biological parents and the court hath spoken. None of the three are going to change their mind.

You need to get counseling to help you with your feelings that you're the mother of this kid. You are a powerless step-mother I don't care how long you've mothered her. Should your feelings be taken into consideration? I guess so but even your husband disagrees so maybe you are being overly protective or possessive.

Kids aren't stupid and they do mature. In time this kid will see her mother for what she is. Meanwhile you don't want her to conclude that you're the one that tried to keep her away from her "real" mother. Any attempt you make will backfire right in your face only driving her further to her BM.

Get the counseling. At most 2 months worth should have you firmly in control of these feelings. If after a month of weekly visits you don't feel you're going in the right direction find another counselor. I feel very confident that you'll be awe inspired at how helpful a professional can be during times like these. I know I did. Do it even if you have to pay cash - i.e. insurance doesn't help.

You really have a way of

You really have a way of putting things to make people feel worse, much appreciated. I'm looking for someone who might be able to identify with me, someone who has gone through this and what steps they took in their daily lives that helped them overcome these feelings. It's clear that I'm powerless in this situation, I understand that and it's a horrible feeling. Counseling has not helped me, hence what I've said. You can sit there and tell people to go to counseling all day long, but that does not show help or encouragement, or empathy in the moment.

Should my feelings be taken into consideration? And your response to that was "I guess so but even your husband disagrees so maybe you are being overly protective or possessive." From this posting, I seriously doubt you are a step parent, or have had any experience what-so-ever with being a parent. Everyone has feelings and being dismissed doesn't feel good at all. Watching your SKid, that you have raised, go through another cycle of hell isn't fun at all, having concerns are normal. Because in the end, who will have to pick up the pieces like always, me?

For anyone else that has empathy, or actual experience with real feelings and how you have dealt with them that would be appreciated. Maybe different strategies that you have taken in your own life, it would be appreciated to know that someone else out there is perhaps just as crazy, "overly protective and possessive" (apparently) as me. I understand that it's something I'll need to deal with, but how?

I understand where you are

I understand where you are coming from. You were the one who took care of her when she was sick. You were the one who protected her when she needed it. You feel that you should have a say in how much contact BM has with your SD. You feel that you are SD mother. In a way you have been.

The unfortunate thing is that you can not change how much visitation SD has with BM. If your DH doesn't care, it will continue. The only thing you can do is keep an eye on your SD. Looks for signs of stress and changing attitudes. If something starts to change that is not for the better, you can at least bring it up again to you DH to see if he is willing to do something. One thing you must never do is step in between a parent and his or her child. It will not end nicely for you.

As for how you are feeling, you really can't help that. Try to disengage, or tell yourself it doesn't matter. You may feel that counseling doesn't work in this situation, but maybe you didn't find the right counselor. I also suggest you pick up a copy of Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. This book helped me put a lot of things in perspective that I didn't think of before. (It literally saved my sanity)

I am always appalled by how people never seem to consider how the SM feels in these situations. Just because you didn't' give birth to a child does not mean you don't feel like the child's mother. SM and SF are not legally parents to these children, but how many times have we been the ones to care for our SK. A parent is not just DNA.

According to my DH, my radar

According to my DH, my radar is crazy. As he's said, he doesn't think there's a problem with it (he's obviously the crazy one). I understand that she has free reign to have phone conversations BUT I'm p*ssed that I can't do anything about it. According to him, "it is what it is." He says I need to get over it, but I can't. I'm not home right now because of this very reason. Everyday after school BM calls, they talk for a little, BM has to let her go, then she calls later, etc. It's so annoying. I just hate how DH brushes off my feelings, it's my house, I've raised SD, why is it okay for my feelings to be hurt but it's not okay to go against what SD and BM want? Wow, it's just amazing. I need Valium to numb my feelings I think...haha! All I can do is laugh at how much I'm dismissed by DH.

I was a step to two girls and

I was a step to two girls and non-custodial father to two boys.

Nowhere on this site, to my knowledge, does it say that you'll find people who agree with you or that they should shut up if they don't. Your husband says you're off track and I think you should listen to him. Have you actually visited a counselor? If so you need to find another one. I'm not suggesting it'll be easy to let this girl go but you need to face reality.

I am sorry you are hurting but finding people who agree with you will only lengthen the period of sorrow. Nobody who can actually do anything (her - him - court) agrees with you.

I was NEVER asking anyone to

I was NEVER asking anyone to agree with me. So you state that you have experience with your own children and step-kids. Counseling is the only thing that helped you? You could never confide in others and talk it out because in the moment your counselor was not right beside you holding your hand? Can you provide any other insight besides steering people only to counseling. It's called feeling acknowledgement, not feeling validation. I'm not looking for validation, I'm looking for: this is what I went through, and this is how I dealt with it...

Are we allowed to post on here in the meantime, or is counseling strictly the answer? Please, if you have any other words of experience that helped you in the moment, besides calling a counselor on the phone or waiting a week for your next appointment...then by all means post away.

^^^^^^love^^^^^^

This has evolved into a

This has evolved into a nightmare, for me at least. BM has been very inappropriate on the phone, this was even when no physical contact was in the court order, so DH made SD talk to her with him in the room. SD was sneaking the phone when we weren't home and telling BM this...BM basically said that he was violating the court order because it does state that SD is to have private and unmonitored phone contact. You're all right, how does that make sense because of the history and her getting into trouble before for being inappropriate. haha, it's just amazing to me. But yes, you can't see her physically but you can be unmonitored on the phone, when you don't need to be physically present to impose the most damage!

When the skids were taken

When the skids were taken from BM 4 years ago, I read the papers from the court carefully. Bm had 2 hour supervised visits a week and BM did have set phone calls 3 times a week..unmonitored.

It is always the GOAL of courts, CPS TO REUNITE THE MOTHER AND CHILDREN! Period. End of Story.

Oh yes, CPS and the courts

Oh yes, CPS and the courts really want to reunite biological families. It's very sick because not all of them should be, as many of us know. Granted the judge we've always had is amazing and really thinks BM is a huge P.O.S. but, in the end bio parents are ALWAYS given the benefit of the doubt. They are almost always given chance after chance, if they are not it's because they're in prison BUT when they get out you better believe who will have rights! Needing a license to catch a fish and a background investigation to adopt a pet, but any sociopathic entity can reproduce and royally screw things up for everyone!

Yes. It is the number 1

Yes. It is the number 1 goal...reunification if possible. I have read this on the CPS website also. They work a plan...supervised visits, monthly meetings with all adult parties, then unsupervised visits.

Our BM didn't show herself in the best light either. She didn't get custody back and only got every weekend visitation, but they gave her a year to try and stabilize.

Is there some type of hobby

Is there some type of hobby you can invest yourself in to take your mind off of it?
What about volunteering somewhere helping other kids or elderly?
What about taking classes in the evening so you aren't dealing with the phone calls?
Friends you could make plans with a few evenings a week, working out?

I am sorry but I think this is going to get worse for you as SD gets older. Maybe getting a counselor with a long term plan or techniques for the long term would be beneficial to you.

This stuff consuming you could have an affect on your health eventually. You do need to get a handle on it now, before it gets the best of you.

It's a heartbreaking position

It's a heartbreaking position to be in. Our BM was not a good influence. Much PAS and coaching on her part to help SD get rid of me.

BM let SD get her tongue pierced when she was 15. Don't know if it was to cause strife and division or to get back at Dad or some kind of Disney mom maneuver or just because she could.

Despite all the bad blood between me and Sd(nasty attitude, total mini wife) my heart broke for her.

Dad was furious and told her to pack her shit and move in with BM.

She sat outside on top of her suitcase, on a bone chilling winter night waiting for BM to pick her up. (We watched out the window until BM arrived)

She came back a few days later.

Dad was still fuming, but his judgement wasn't that great either because he used to let her spend all day at her boyfriend's house with no parental supervision.

Dad and BM have both been to parenting class.

They are the experts and I have no say in it.

Yes, it is heartbreaking.

I finally had to just bite my tongue, step back and let go.

SD is all grown up now and very successful in her career.

She is also very close to BM I assume because Dad and I are extreme homebodies who don't like to party.

It is what it is and sometimes there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.

Hang in there.

It is so hard to watch the

It is so hard to watch the 'Dad' totally fuck up isn't it?
I tried with everything I had to get DSO to monitor internet and phone usage...refused to do it until the whole world saw the stupid stuff. Even still, I tell him SD is texting a lot of out of state ppl, calling foreign countries...doesn't do a thing to stop it.
The whole point of him wanting his kids full time was bc my grown kids were decent human beings out living their lives financially on their own...pretty much lol.

I guess he thought just living in my house would magically do it. Once he figured out it took actual work and parenting, he just lets them do as the please pretty much.

As much as we step-mothers

As much as we step-mothers try to be the bigger person, sometimes you just need a good blow up every now and then. Personally, I have to try to bite my tongue all of the time but sometimes BM gets under my skin so bad that I just have to let it all out. FDH just listens and I'm good for a little while.

As much as we step-mothers

Still_fearless has a good

Still_fearless has a good point! I generally agree with her. SD will mature and see BMs true colors one day and she will only resent you if you are the one responsible for coming in between their relationship. However it would be DH initiating this if he would get up off his ass lol.
I don't know the situation... But I would also look at it from a positive perspective. You got supervised visits from a BM! that's pretty hard to do, like she's gotta be pretty fucked up. But you actually won that battle. I wish I could win that battle from either of our exes, we'd be in heaven. Calling all of the time, I can see a problem.

Look. This is NOT just about him, SD and BM.. It's YOU too. DH needs to respect you. This is your house too. Ask your DH if perhaps you can place time limits on the conversations and DH needs to enforce it with BM. Either she can call once a week for an hour, or 4x per week for 15 mins. Or whatever works for you. That's what would work for me, anything else is harassment lol. How does that sound?

I really know what it's like ... "Consumes my life" you say. I say that all the time when a problem comes up with the exes. Can't get over it!

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My insecurities shine through, yet again!