Well, I am in a different situation, but I still wanted to put in my 2 cents. Kids, teens, have an inbuilt expectation that they will be loved unconditionally. Usually they are, by their parents. It's a unique time in life and most likely they will never again be loved unconditionally. As grown ups, we cant just go around being jerks and still expect that kind of love. So when they abuse a step parent, they still cannot fathom that they will not be forgiven and loved no matter what. Hopefully when they grow up and see how the world works and how special and short that unconditional parental love is, they will get why their behavior was responsible for what they got. Hopefully.
And when I say unconditional love from a parent, I don't mean letting them run wild, I just mean that when they are younger, they can always come back to a loving parent, even if that means discipline. The unconditional love we are wired to give our own kids, is what teaches them to love themselves.
As steps, it;s hard both because they can act their worst with us, and we most likely don't have that visceral feeling for them.
I think you may well have reasons to hate her. She may just not get how this is possible.

I hate one of my SDs - the younger one who is 14. She has always been absolutely foul to me, and yes, she does seem to expect me to love her, in return!! She often comes to me for a hug when she leaves at the end of the weekend, which makes me cringe inwardly. I am absolutely at a loss to know why she does this, as deep down she must get the vibes that I give off towards her. I think it is just the way they do things in her hypocritical BM's house.

DH knows I dislike her, and has done for the last few years. Before that I felt I had to hide my feelings, but I don't see the point any more. If one of my bio daughters was foul to him, I would never expect him to like them. But in fact they have always been sweet to him. Step dads often seem to get an easier ride, I never understood why until I read "Stepmonster".

I don't know if I necessarily "hate" my SK's, but they aren't on my top 10 list either.

I get the "silent treatment" when they are around, simply because they refuse to say anything to me. They wouldn't pee on my head if my hair was on fire.

My DH knows how I feel, as we've had numerous discussions about it. In the beginning, they were "allowed" to air their frustrations with the new woman and children in their dad's lives, all of it in a rather unconstructive way. They would yell things like "you've ruined our vacation", "tell your mom to go find another family to destroy" at my kids and me. My DH would just stand there, or gently say, "now now....."

Fast forward 6 years and he now sees the product of his lack of standing up for us. And he knows it's way too late to change it. Granted, I don't have to tolerate the ill behavior some of the SM's on here blog about (thank you Lord) but it is still less than optimal. DH understands that I have, as much as I possibly can, disengaged from both the SK's and the BM whom I lovingly refer to as the "First Family". The SK's are nearing adulthood so it's not like they're 10 years old and acting like this. I've told my DH that maybe someday as adults they'll realize I really wasn't all that bad. Or, maybe not.

I'm sure SD15 knows that I am not her biggest fan. I don't kiss her ass either, which is something she expects from people. SS12 I do like and I think he knows I like him.

SO knows I don't care much for his daughter. I don't treat her poorly, but I don't go out of my way to do extra things for her. I just try to maintain a tolerance for her.

I think my two SD's, 19 and 16, finally get it that I do not love them.
I love their Father.
I do not think they fully realize how much I hate them.
I hate their poor hygine habits, their disrespectful and defiant attitudes, their complete and total ignorance regarding the real world, their sexual flirtations(including several VD's by SD16)
and their love of "cosplay" through Japanese Anime.
After nearly two years of being married to their Dad,with me keeping conversations with them to an absolute minimum, avoiding interaction with them at all times, they finally have gotten the "hint" that I prefer to be without them.
They make me sick.
I come home from work,and if DH has to work that night,( He is a Phlebotomist at several hospitals)
I go out with a friend, or go straight to the bedroom, close the door, and do not come out till morning.
I am looking forward to the day when they are both out on their own and GONE.

Good question; I am sure SD 14 knows how I feel about her attitude and the way she acts. When she came to live w/ us almost 2 years ago after her BM couldn't "deal" w/ her anymore - she tore our home apart. DH and I were ready to call it quits......actually I was!! DH tried to mold me into her mother and I just wasn't having it. I think now they both realize; I am just "putting" up w/ it until she is 18..Tough sh** if they don't like it/ I am civil, nice and I don't bite.......LOL you know what I mean. Just doing what I have to

SD15 knows and I am okay with that. Thankfully I have no relationship with her anymore. SS13 - love him to death and he knows it.

To the OP, I can imagine how terrible your poor stepdaughter must feel knowing that her dad's wife is so direct with her hatred towards her. Clearly you resent her being in your life, but taking the high ground is necessary as an adult dealing with a child who is struggling. She’s responding to your negativity with more negativity. This is only making the situation worse.

During difficult times, teenagers can be angry and hostile and lash out at people around them. Let them know her behavior is unacceptable, but all children need to have a home where they can feel loved and to be surrounded by people who accept them and support them. A little compassion and empathy could go a long way here.

You should never hate a child - only their actions. This is difficult to do in the case of a stepkid who you have no bond with and who is being very challenging. But think of it this way. You love your husband. He loves his daughter. I doubt you would be posting this if he was supportive of you hating his daughter.

How damaging is it to her that her father is with a woman who has made it clear in no uncertain terms that she hates his daughter?

I didn't take the post as HATE them as in kill them or wish they were dead! and why is it that we always jump to the defense of these kids. Yes, they are kids; but they know damn WELL what they are doing. My SD has caused her BM to be done w/ her and almost ruined thier family; now has sunk her claws into ours.......but is it poor SD?? She has reived NOTHING but love, attention, support, she has never been spanked, slapped, grounded for no reason; yes SM or supposed to just sit there and shut up???? It doesn't make sense to me

Hate is a pretty strong word---I don't hate my SS24, I just think he could be a little more responsible & grown up. He does irritate me sometimes, but I want no harm to come to him.

After reading WendyB's post and vomiting a little :sick: I want to thank the OP for her honesty and breath of fresh air. I am so sick of this...all children are gifts, and angels and precious little beings crap. Human beings can be vicious, awful, hateful monsters, no matter the age. And what is that magic age when a sweet little perfect child becomes grown up enough to take responsibility for her actions and how she treats others?? Can she be a monster until age 16? 18? 21? The OP's skid is 15. I would say that is plenty old enough to start facing what she has done, and start apologizing insteading of crying in therapy that the people who she crapped all over aren't rushing to her with kisses and candy.

"but all children need to have a home where they can feel loved and to be surrounded by people who accept them and support them. A little compassion and empathy could go a long way here." :sick: Thats just lovely, gag, but doesn't the same apply to an adult? Do SMs not deserve to be treated with a little decency and respect in our own homes? Lets revise that statment a little bit to read "but all WOMEN (or how about ALL PEOPLE) need to have a home where they can feel loved and to be surrounded by people who accept them and support them. A little compassion and empathy could go a long way here." OP, good for you for not letting skid play the "rough childhood" card to get away with her crap. I think letting her know that you hate her for how she has acted, and reminding her of what she has done, is a heck of a lot more helpful than showering her with feigned affection because "all children need to have a home where they can feel loved." Make her look in the mirror to see why she is hated. Maybe then she will grow up, make some changes and some apologies, build relationships, and then actually earn your forgiveness...and who knows, maybe someday even your affection.

My SD put me through hell. When DH and I married, she wasn't some pimply faced teen going through normal teenage angst. She was 25! This lasted for almost 3 years. Do I hate her, no. I forgive her for all the crummy things she did to me. She doesn't reach out to me. And I don't kiss her behind or fawn all over her like DH does. She's DH's DD period. She doesn't realize that getting close to me would have served her very well. She recently asked DH to buy her something and of course he forgot. I remembered but forgot to mention it . . oops!

Like I recently told a friend of mine, I can make things very difficult for her when it comes to DH . . . I hope she's starting to wise up.

I Don't like to say hate but I'm right there at the door with ss12. I deffinatly don't like him and he is not a person I want MY children to be around. I had the same feeling about ss13 before we sent him to live with his grandparents but that has changed some since I don't have to put up with his abuse everyday. As far as ss12 still at home I have straight up told him I don't like the person he is become but I haven't Told him I hate him. I think he feels that I do but I really can't help it I can't immediatly forgive him after he's caled me or my daughters w*hoers or b*itches or he has hurt one of mu children..

I have to add that my skid probably does know that I hate him, because he eavesdrops on my conversations with bf. If the little snot wanted to pretend I liked him, maybe he should stop snooping around...just caught him tonight...saw him run into his bedroom before I stormed out of the house after another weekend of skid-induced crap. I hope he doesn't hope for a life as a spy. Hey fat ass. I can see you. If he is eavesdropping and overhears what I say to his father, too bad for him. I am not whispering in my own home.

My skid with my ex-H knew I didn't like her. We were fortunate that she was working with a good counselor who told her: "Look, it's your parents job to love you unconditionally; however, it's SM's job to treat you like a normal person. You treat her like shit, she's going to treat you like shit. That's the real world. If you don't like they way SM is treating you maybe you should rethink how you treat her."

My SD is 27 now and we are still in contact and she loves & respects me.

Kids know what they are doing! They may not understand the extended consequences of their actions but they know what they are doing!
They want to piss you off, they will. They want to hurt your feelings, they will.
As a teen with a SM i hated her, and wanted to make everyone miserable. So i did! I knew what i was doing. I was being, mean hateful spiteful unforgiving bratty bitch!

ALL people have choices! ALL people have situations thrusted on us that are not in our control. But that doesnt give us the right to treat people like shit!

I tell my daughter when she is moody or havin a bad day, you can be grumpy but you will not be mean.

My issue is that I dont hate my SS, but because of BM he thinks I do. She is always reminding him that my BS will come first and that she is his only "real mom". Nevermind that I do everything under the sun for him and have for almost 6 years! GRRRRR!

My fulltime SD15 said to her father recently that she wanted to go and live with her mother because she thought that I hated her.

This was a result of her knowingly doing things she knew were wrong (basically teenager stuff, nothing major) but still stuff she knew was wrong.

I have yelled at her twice in the past, once I have sworn at her, I was so angry. So this time, I just gave her the silent treatment (ie: good morning and good night) in effort to avoid another screaming match.

Fortunately, her father saw through her "poor me" attitude and backed me up.

I told SD15 that I didn't hate HER, but I did hate her behaviour and was extremely disappointed and frustrated that she continually and knowingly kept doing the wrong thing.

I told her that if she wanted my behaviour towards her to change, then she better change her behaviour to get a better result. It has worked to some extent. I do not go out of my way to make conversation, I will speak to her using a friendly tone of voice which hopefully will help in keeping the peace. Little does she know how much I dislike having her around. I would hate not having her dad around 100 times more, it's a no brainer. So, my choice is to put up with her for a couple more years, or lose him forever. A short term sacrifice for a long term gain (fingers crossed!)

Yes, it is indeed a challenge. I love your comment about the shower . . You're funny.

Living w/SD was one of the most difficult things I've had to do thus far. It trumped me kicking a nicotine addiction. I wouldn't wish that hell on anyone . .even my worst enemy.

I seldom mention SD to DH. It's like she doesn't exist. If he didn't mention her, her name would never come up. This is what happens when people treat me like Sh!@. I shove them into a non-existent corner and they stay there until I'm forced to interact with them again.

The nice thing about karma is that it always comes quicker than you hope for. Everyone is telling me that if SD loses her job she'll likely try to move back home. If that happens, I'm leaving my DH. I will not live with her again, so hopefully she'll hang on to her job. I hope the same for your SD . .they need those darn jobs!

I DON'T hate them.

I am very disgusted with SD18, whom we haven't seen hide nor hair in a year..of her OR her 1-1/2 year old baby....but when your BM spends her whole life PASing her out, it should have been easy to see coming.

SS17 is a good kid.

I don't "hate" my skids, but they definitely aren't my favorite people to be around - especially right now.

I actually wish the best for them, but I won't be treated like crap, nor manipulated or controlled by them, and they know it...at least I think they know it - it's hard to tell, they are in denial about a LOT of things.

Ask me this again in a couple of weeks, I might have changed my mind.

Hate is a pretty strong word... Can't say that I hate them, but I really don't like them. And, no, they have no idea. I put on the fake niceness when they are around. I can honestly say that of all of my skids, there's only one that I truly love. I would do anything for him. The others? They drive me crazy.

I hate my boyfriend's 6 yo son so much. he doesnt know it but maybe it would be better? then he'd get how much he drives me nuts! i get dumped with him all the time when my boyfriend is working. hes a nightmare and I hate him. I feel so much better being able to say that and I thought there was something wrong with me feeling this way about a little kid. but i guess I'm normal?

Hate is a pretty strong word. I don't hate the skids but I absolutely hate their behavior. I'm sure they are aware of this because they are very rarely at my house at this point. They know everyone hates their behavior though and they don't seem to care either.

Don't have feelings for SS either way, neither does FDH. It might be because we don't have a relationship with him with all of BM's crazy, he's still an infant, and BM lives a 4 hour flight from us.

We'll give anything a try, but FDH has made it clear that the moment it becomes unhealthy for any of us, we will disengage and just send money, like what we're doing right now. Unfortunately, parental alienation syndrome is such a sad and unknown issue for many that those who don't understand it will likely just judge people for wanting to escape from it.

You are held accountable for your actions. Be it 4, 14, 54, or 94. The thing is, and I feel like the people who have been so quick to judge, is that the OP did NOT ban her SD from her house--she is allowed to stay UNDER THE CONDITIONS that she FOLLOWS the rules.

Like any country, you are allowed to be treated as a citizen as long as you follow the laws. And if you don't, deportation and imprisonment is in your future, regardless if you are the brother of the president or buddha himself.

It's giving me a headache to see people skim through things and then pass judgement.

What's past disengaging? Me! Married 7 years. Marriage almost ended several times. 90% of the time we argued about her. DH protects and codles and now she is an 18 year old - who always does the bare minimum ... Poorly. She is lazy, entitled, self absorbed, socially deficient and does not contribute to the family unit.... Not with chores, smiles or opportunities to make her father proud. Takes the paid for car, insurance, gas, repairs, cell phone, computer, flat screen tv from her dad - but cant muster a unprompted thank you or a fathers day card. A grade A piece of shit. Sorry folks, but I am through.

She is 18 and still comes every other week to "spend time with her dad" aka eat our food, have her own room and freedom cause dad doesn't except anything. On he off weeks ( when she is with her loser mom) she lets herself in to my home while I am at work - to eat and do laundry w/o th need for quarters.

I make it clear to all that she is not welcomed - DH hates it- but I did my time an I am over her. We have a Five year old and a baby due in June. Time for her to make her own way. I plan to walk aound naked a breast feed the entire timei am off for maternity leave so h will opt to be elsewhere. Desparate times call for Desparate measures!

Wasn't always this way. I tried and tried to b a friend and parent since she didnt get that from her daddy war bucks or train wreck mom.... But alas, it was a fruitless effort.

Now I am ruthless and eager to see her go. She could gt a great job, pay for her car, insurance, gas, phone snd be a good daughter to her dad tomorrow and it still would not thaw me. Unreparable relationship. Time to go sweets!

In my situation I can't say that I hate my step kids. I also can't say that I love and adore them either. They don't go out of their way to make my life miserable, but over the years I've also distanced myself from them quite a bit. Life with a blended family is a hard life to live - on all parties! I'm not 100% sure when my frustration levels went up or why. I think that just the general stresses of trying time and time again to teach someone else's children how to behave properly and to be responsible for themselves through good hygiene ect (which seems to all always be an ongoing battle) has just taken it's toll. I'm really tired of taking care of kids that are not technically mine. I'm pretty sure that's where my feelings of needing to be distant come from. Which I will be totally honest, distancing myself has made me have zero tolerance for any bad behaviour or lack of listening ect that kids normally do. I find myself NEEDING to walk away and just find some peace and alone time every single weekend. Do they know I feel this way? I don't think so. They always seem to want a hug on their way out the door and seem genuinely sad to be leaving. Which once the door is closed I feel bad for feeling the way that I do. But that only lasts about 2 seconds before relief sets in and I'm free for another week! I have also never once in the 7 years I have been their step mother told them that I love them. When they were younger they used to tell me they loved me in a weird round about way...almost as if they were testing the waters. I'd always find a way to talk around it or crack a joke so I wouldn't have to lie. I know I don't love them. The feeling is just not there. I feel badly about that, but I can't change it. They've stopped saying I love you now in regards to me. I think because they just aren't sure how I feel about them. My SD did say to me once in a very inquisitve way..."you love Dad more than you love us don't you?" She didn't seem upset by the thought. In fact she seemed more like she just understood it and wanted to say it out loud. Anyway, like I said, I don't think I have a real reason for not feeling too warmly towards them. It's just how I feel. I do know that it does cause all the little annoyances to feel like HUGE annoyances and I have to bite my tongue as I don't want to ever hurt DH feelings. He loves his kids more than anything and I can' bear to have him know that I could really live without the step kids in our lives. So for him, I keep my mouth shut and we have the step kids here every weekend. I just make excuses to be by myself.

My stepdaughter says all the time that I hate her. I deny it but she's right. I absolutely resent her and wish she would go away. I wish she didn't exist. Every day I hate her more and more.

She's the most annoying girl in the world. She talks and talks and will never shut up. She has to constantly be running her mouth. She's obsessed with the stupidest cartoons and has to tell everyone about them all the time. And I have to fake that I'm interested or she gets upset that I hate her.

She has aspergers so I can't say anything about her behavior. It's all excused because of her illness. I wish I could scream at her to shut the f up.

I have never hated my SS-20. I have been his dad since he was 1yo. Like my own parents wanted to do many times with my brothers and I, I have definately wanted to wring his neck a few times over the years. Fortunately for him his mom and I were never on the same page at the same time as far as ringing his neck was concerned. One of the other of us was not quite ready to do him in when the other was ready to implement the neck wringing.

Now for the SpermIdiot. Him I hate unconditionally, completely, totally and eternally. If that guy was on fire I would not waste the piss it would take to put him out. I would save the piss for his grave which he and his toxic mother can not enter nearly soon enough.

My wife nor I have ever told our son that we hate his SpermIdiot or SpermGrandMa t hough we truly detest the SpermClan nearly in it's entirety. The SpermIdiot half sibes we just feel sorry for. We have always required that he speak of them respectfully. Now that he is austensibly an adult he has become more creative in how he speaks of them. He considers them to be a major disappointement to him and largly a joke. He worries about his three younger SpermIdiot half sibs by two other baby mamas and how they do not have the benefit of the type of parents that my wife and I have been to him and the types of relationships he has with my family (my mom and dad, my brother and his family, etc...).

My wife and I are fortunate that we were able to counter the shallow and toxic end of my Skid's gene pool and that he was not one of those completely unlovable toxic PITA POS kids with no redeeming qualities that so many in blended families have to deal with.

As a family we have been fortunate. The kid is actually pretty awesome and is now a self supporting young adult in his own right and by his own efforts. At 20 he has accomplished far more than the SpermIdiot has accomplished in his 42 worthless POS years and more than the entire SpermClan combined has accomplished in it's entire worthless history.

Even if I wanted to, which I don't, there is not much to hate about my Skid.

I'm sure SD14 knows by now that I can't stand to be around her. She has made my last 2 yrs a living hell and tried to break up DH and I several times. She's lied about me to her mother, made up stories about me to her therapist and tried to turn DH's family against me. Yeah, I don't like her. Hate is a strong word.

I feel relief that I am not alone. I thought I am failing as a step-mother. I have two step-kids who are both teenagers and they say to everyone that they I hate them. I admit that I don't like them and I worry they know that. They drive me so crazy with everything they do. They are so lazy and do nothing to help and demand everything. I can't wait for them to leave this summer.

I don't hate my dh's daughters but I have no time whatsoever for his eldest any longer. Not sure if she fully gets it at this point, she is the classic in this situation - has gone out of her way to be horrific on and off over the years and will make it clear that her step-parents hold zero value for her yet at the same time turn around and say "my step-parents have never done anything for me" etc.. etc... (this of course after having step-parents who have done so much for her over the years)

She may not have figured out the extent of my feelings about her at this point but she must definitely see a big change in my behavior towards her. I no longer fall over backwards to do kind and thoughtful things for her, no longer tolerate her crap, no longer show any interest in her or her life and yes, it has confused me when she has responded with shock and anger at my withdrawal.

I used to wonder why she seemed so outraged and angry after all the crap she dished out, thank you for finally clarifying. Makes sense, especially after how terrible she had been to her parents and how forgiving and loving they are to her that she would simply expect her step-parents would be too...and I certainly was when she was in her teems, but a 30 something year old behaving this way, no way. Not any longer do I take this

That's gotta be hard to have a manipulative bratty lying teenage girl tell tales about you to a therapist in hopes of getting you in trouble or of getting sympathy. Talk about making you the whipping post.

I honestly don't hate my DH's boys, but that little girl... AUGH! To answer your question, no, she has no idea how I REALLY feel about her. But she may catch on here before too long. I used to take her shopping and stuff, but now... I don't want anything to do with her. I'm too frustrated with trying to parent her but losing out to the way her BM chooses to not parent her and even DH's lack of parenting. I felt like I was the only one trying to raise her right... so I just quit! I don't pay much attention to her anymore. Don't care.

Does all this hate make you people feel better?

Well I wouldn't necessarily say I hate my SD5, which is pretty young, but I extremely dislike her. She's already lied on me twice about things I've said to her or done. My SS4 I treat as my own. We seem to tolerate each other for now. Everytime she talks I seem to get irritated with her whiny baby voice she always uses to get things out of my wife. NOT GOOD. Ex: she's like the kid that other kids think is an asshole, but all the adults adore. I've seen her in action while playing with kids, she's manipulative. I hate feeling this way about a toddler. Sigh