Doctor's appointments, permission slips.... is this normal to you?
My SO and BM were married for a year and they separated Sept 2016 and just got the decree completed a few weeks ago. We've been together since April 2017 long distance, and I moved to him Oct 2017. The divorce was a huge dramatic battle with both of them hating each other, but squabbling over every detail. When I first started dating my SO, he and BM would both go to EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT together. Not only doctor's and dentist, but hair cuts, optional school fund raisers, field trips, school events, you name it. I told him I thought it was excessive, and the only thing he agreed to switch off on were hair cuts.
Recently I told him I've been at my breaking point with the relationship, and his over communication and bickering with her is a big source of our issues. I asked him to work out switching off on these appointments/events with her so they aren't so in each other's faces. Since I had my foot out the door, he agreed. She took their son to a doc appointment, and he brought this up to her and she said it sounded fine to her. The next time she wanted their son to go to the doc, she said she was going to take him that morning since there was an opening. He was not happy she didn't switch off but said ok. After the appointment she relayed her summary of the visit to him, but he went and looked up the notes the doc left on the web site. Since he saw she left out that he had a fever, he was infuriated at her. He told me this and he got really defensive. I told him why bother sending each other summaries if you can see the summary online? He angrily said he is no longer switching off on these appointments, and that he will be going to every single one.
Their son is 4. When he goes to the doc, it's because of ear infections, colds, etc. I personally get really irritated that they both go. It's as though they're both competing to win being the best parent. He's always paranoid about her taking him back to court so he is over the top with stuff like this. He claims she's horrible and he hates her and she could try and try and screw with him at any moment, but he isn't exactly reasonable or amicable with her either.
SO also got into a bit of trouble with the preschool teacher because when he happens to have permission slips for field trips, he's been consistently late on handing in the forms/money/requested preparations for their kid. The teacher told him she won't be sending any forms to him anymore, only to BM. He got angry and was insisting he stay included since he has 50/50. But the teacher said he can take it up with BM and the principal because the teacher made up her mind. I told him this was his own fault, but he got sooooo angry because he's afraid BM could use this against him in court if another custody battle comes up. Is he paranoid for thinking this? When I told him that's a stretch, and he should be apologetic and let them know he's happen to help with anything any time, and maybe he can prove he can be on time next year, he got pissed at me and told me "I don't give a shit." That's so far from the truth, I'm just trying to deescalate because I think he makes his life harder himself.
Is he paranoid and over the top? Is he being too much with the doctor's appointments? Or am I the unreasonable one? I do hate the thought of them getting together so often, and people walk by and think they're a family so that stings.
Well, the school is wrong. If
Well, the school is wrong. If they have joint custody, they can't just decide that they aren't going to communicate with him. So there's that.
But yes, this is over the top. This poor little boy, he's like an object they are competing over, not a child. Unless you want to deal with this for the next 15 years, I'd get out now. I picture them both still sitting in his appointments when he's 15.
OK, that's good to know that
OK, that's good to know that schools can't just do that. It was pretty surprising and it seemed like the teacher is aligning with BM and her gripes about my SO.
And that's my exact fear. Them still going at it for years and playing this petty, childish tug-of-war game with the kid.
Well .. Public schools can't
Well .. Public schools can't do that. We found out that at least in our state, if a private school has a contract with one parent and not the other, they can cut the other one out, believe it or not. Contract law overrides Family Law, apparently. My DH had to bring an attorney to the private school his son was attending when they tried to cut him out. They agreed to play nice for SS's sake, but they always favored BM and believed her BS.
He needs to smack the school
He needs to smack the school with a letter from his lawyer. You need to move back to where you left. This guy is not going to be a true equity life partner if he has his nose up his X's butt for each and every Skid related event and administrivia appointment.
I would not engage a future with anyone who treats you like this guy does "you don't give a shit" and who is so invested in his prior relationship "family" that it intrudes in his life with you.
Take care of you..... move on.
Nope, this isn't normal at
Nope, this isn't normal at all. Your BF and his ex do not sound like they are "emotionally" divorced, even if the divorce is final. I can almost understand both parents going to a doctor appointment, and I understand going to an important school event, but a haircut? Minor school things? That's odd and unusual. I can't decide if he's actually paranoid about being taken back to court, or if he just can't stand to miss something that his ex is experiencing with the child, or if he just wants excuses to be with the ex. In any event, this man is not ready for another relationship, and you may want to rethink things.
Hah, each post I've gotten
Hah, each post I've gotten that same feedback for one reason or another; that they aren't "emotionally" divorced. I've made this point to him whenever I see it come up, and he insists he's over that period in his life and begs for me to stay and build a future together. But he spends ALL his time in these battles that I can't even visualize what a positive future looks like with him. And we're in frekaing HAWAII. HA. WA. II. Both of us have great jobs at universities, and we're both financially stable. He just thinks of everything as a failure because the marriage, child, and divorce depleated his savings and he's used to living in affluence. As long as he isn't sitting on tens of thousands of dollars he's miserable. I can't live a life like that.
But - he caused it to deplete
But - he caused it to deplete his savings by fighting over everything! It seems also like fear that BM will cut him out, and that's a real fear. But he can't continue the way he is going. He has to figure out what is worth responding to, and what isn't.
BM took him to the doctor and didn't tell them he had a fever ... um, they probably took the kid's temperature. So he flips out and signals to BM that he doesn't trust her and the fighting begins. He has to figure out how to get along with BM (if possible)/
Constantly late
"SO also got into a bit of trouble with the preschool teacher because when he happens to have permission slips for field trips, he's been consistently late on handing in the forms/money/requested preparations for their kid."
So what do you want? Kid to be left behind on trip? Nope, not teacher's job to chase down your SO.
That was the stance the
That was the stance the teacher was coming from. There were times where his kid got left behind from a trip and they have to come up with a way to have him watched while he's left out of the activity.
In this scenario, I'm not sure what's right or wrong. I just didn't like how it completely consumed him and he was fearful of losing custody of this.
Easy Solution
He was given a number of chances apparently. Dad needs to step up
How can a parent who wants to
How can a parent who wants to be so involved that he needs to go to a haircut forget - repeatedly - to hand in a permission slip so that his kid is left behind from a class field trip? Does he want to parent the child and do a good job with the daily, unglamorous stuff, or does he just want to compete with the BM? From what you've described, it's the latter, and that just makes me think that there is not going to be a happy ending to this.
The school should send the
The school should send the slip home to BOTH parents no matter who's week it is. Then they can communicate about who is doing it.
The big issue is his fear of losing custody -he can't live like that forever. And if he can't keep up with the parenting tasks, maybe he should give BM primary. It's not the end of the world to have less than 50/50.
He actually asked the teacher
He actually asked the teacher if she could do that and send forms to both parents, but she said no. She wasn't willing to bend at all. I have a feeling BM bitches about him and tries hard to make herself look much better and teacher is taking sides.
or maybe the teacher has a
or maybe the teacher has a lot on her plate and just doesn't GAF about their petty squabbles. I wouldn't. Why should SHE bend over backwards to deal with their BS. she wants the kid on the trip and she takes the most expedient way possible. If he had sorted out the field trip stuff on his time this wouldn't have happened.
of course if the school
of course if the school stopped relying on PAPER and emailed parents then this wouldn't be a problem.
Because legally, she can't
Because legally, she can't refuse to communicate with one parent who has joint custody. Sucks for her, but that's 2018.
Some people are addicted to
Some people are addicted to conflict. Understand that they were together long enough to have a child and create a disfunctional relationship that created this habit of them constantly fighting. My DH used to do it with BM and I, like you, got sick of the back and forth drama after the first few years. I was a walking ball of stress and he was an agitated mess. It only ended when I told that if they were going to bicker like a couple then they need to go be a couple. The opposite of love is NOT HATE, but indifference. If he hates her it's because he still has some kind of feelings there whether it be hurt feelings or something. Either way he needs to understand that their past relationshihp conditioned him to react to her so now he reacts and falls for the drama everytime. Tell him that if he wants the fighting cycles and competitions to end then he needs to stop responding to her. She gets off on making him angry. He is also motivated out of fear to compete with her. Google child custody in your area, SHOW him that most judges usually only change custody if there's a sudden disruption in the child's life: a move out of area, medical issues, etc. Forgetting to turn in some school paperwork might make him seem careless but it won't cause him to lose custody time with his child. Tell him if he truly wants to "win" against BM then ignore her, move on and be happy and above her attempts to bring him back down to her level with the constant back-and-forth. He left that relationship to be happy, so do it.
So much yes to this. Thank
So much yes to this. Thank you!!
Of course bm will bring this
Of course bm will bring this up in court BUTTTTTT it does not matter. Its called churning a case...Her side digs and digs for dirt, HIS side digs and digs for dirt. HER lawyer presents all of her "documentation" HIS lawyer presents all his documentation.
NONE of it matters.
All this stufffffff does NOT matter. What will matter is, if dad is found in a drunken stuper--cops called---kid alone---kid removed by cps. VERY bad and will matter to a Judge.
OR mom is found in a heroin stuper, cops arrest her, kids removed from home. VERY bad and it will matter to a Judge. Illegal stuff matters to a Judge...but the pi&&ing matches like this one does not matter.....
**school can not do what they did to dad. CALL Board of Education and go right to the top ADMIN. That should fix that.**
Whats soooooooooo great about bf to make you stick around. It will get worse.
I agree with others - this is
I agree with others - this is a whole lot of unnecessary enmeshment between the bio parents. It makes you wonder what the underlying agenda is here.
Also, the child is 4. He’s basically a walking Petri dish at this age. Do BOTH parents really need to be present at doctor appointments? Not really.
ok, so I am a school secretary and I can understand where
the teacher is coming from here. It's absolutely ridiculus that I have to MAIL (yes, snail mail, many of our parents either don't have email or choose not to share it with us) permission slips to 10 parents, FIVE sets of parents that are not able to return permission slips on time because one thought the other would....you really have no idea how frustrating it is.
And not just permission slips, all school to parent/guardian communication is mailed to both parents because they are always bickering and can't seem to have their childs best interest at heart when Mom decides not to tell Dad that there is an Open House next week so they can see how their child is doing in school. Really, you don't think it would be beneficial to your child to have you BOTH there?? UGH!!!
People really need to stop being so frikkin selfish and think about what they are doing to their kid. Oh, btw, I mail these things, NOT the teachers. And I often am asked to call Sally's Mom a half hour before the bus leaves for the fireld trip because she didn't bring her slip back.
he
needs to start living his life instead of living vindictively. If both parents can see dr. visit summaries on the web then he needs to get over it. If he wants to switch off on dr. visits, dentist visits that's great but he needs to get over his bitterness about it if it for some reason doesn't work out every single time. The school should have the ability to send each parent's address the same paperwork. Most schools do that now and when the kiddo is in elementary school most of the public schools have an online portal for viewing the work and grades so that gets rid of any argument. He needs to choose which battlefield he is willing to die on because as the child gets older, the problems get more difficult.