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concerned, what do I do?

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:36am

I am deeply concerned for SS6, more so now for reasons that I will explain further down. But it's getting to the point where as a FSM there is not much that I can do besides stress about it and make myself sick with worry. So I am wondering if it is even worth it or if I should just give up and not care like everyone else seems to be.

I am trying to figure out if I am just paranoid or if this would bother any SM. I am a creative person and I do have that Anxiety thing which can cuase me to over think things, which I am fully awear that I do I just can't stop myself from doing it. But this just doesn't sit well with me at all, and hasn't for some time.

I remember the first time I saw it last summer. SS6 (5 at the time) was running up and down this ramp shaking his arms and making this weird sound. I asked BF what he was doing and he just said that it was something he does sometimes. Well over the months i noticed it more and more. I asked BF if he had ADHD or something and he said he didn't know but asked his teacher about it at school. The teacher finally admitted to him having some attention problems. At which point BM flipped because she knew nothing about it, not like you couldn't see it when he regularly forgot things at school and you have to ask him 3 times to do something. BF signed ss6 up for karate to help with his attention, but BM never takes him even though she told the teacher that taking him wouldn't be a problem.

So when I found out that SS6 had a yearly check up I was excited. I told BF to talk to the doctor about it just to see what it was - because I am not a doctor and it could be ANYTHING or nothing. BM swooped in and demanded that SHE set up the appointments and of course she set them up for times that would make it hard for BF to go. So BF called her Monday - the appointment was on Tuesday - and asked her on a voice mail to ask the doctor about the weird thing he does just to see what it is. She never called him back but has SS6 call him about how karate went (she actually took him for once). Tuesday BF didn't make the appointment but could not get a hold of BM to see how it went.

I told him Wednesday if he didn't hear from her - and maybe even if he did - he should call the doctor's office and asked to speak to the doctor to find out what REALLY happened. BM has a history of lying to BF about stuff. But when BF got off work early he went to 2 banks and then home to sit in his chair - he forgot to call the doctor's office and didn't think about it until I brought it up after I got home. Also we made a DVD of SS6 doing the wierd thing, 6 separate times, to show the doc but again BF didn't make the appointment but I told him to take it to the doctor's office and ask the doctor to watch it. Which he has not done yet.

BM finally txt'ed him back on Wednesday. She stated all the stats from the check up, height, weight, ect. Then she added that he did not have ADD. Which strikes me as odd because that is not what BF asked her. He asked what that weird thing could be, ADD being just one possibility. I don't think she even asked but we won't know until BF calls the doctor's office.

What I can't understand is why BM gets so defensive when it is suggested that SS6 may have an issue. I have a nephew with ADD and he is doing better with treatment. It bothers me becuase I feel like she is hiding something, why doesn't she want him treated? And it may not be ADD it could be neurological or nothing. I don't see the harm in asking a professional about it. At one point she threatened to get a RO on me to keep me from Doctor's offices, which I don't really get involved in I just tell BF what he SHOULD do. But what is she afraid I am going to find?

There other son has been diagnosed with Autism and she thinks he is dying on a regular basis. He has a whole list of issues but she still refuses to accept SS6 might have some issues too. I have one theories about what she may be hiding included alcohol use while pregnant. But I can't prove anything other than she is acting weird. Which I have been writing everything down.

I know BF is worried too but I think he gets tired of fighting BM every step of the way to get something done. So I have to keep pushing him and he has a lot on his mind but his kids should always come first.

I am concerned - should I be or am I over reacting?

Comments

doll faced sm's picture

Submitted by doll faced sm on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 11:04am

Is it possible for DH to schedule an apt during *his* time with SS? If so, then you could schedule the apt and then just inform DH of the time and place.

However, if BM is the primary custodian and doesn't want to admit anything is wrong and will refuse to treat SS for any condition with which SS is diagnosed, then even getting a clear understanding of what, if anything, is wrong won't do much. In that case, you'd really only be doing it for your own peace of mind.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 11:26am

I agree with this. plus it could be nothing. My friends son has a weird habit here and there too. When he does it you think something is wrong with him. But otherwise, he is a highly intelligent fun kid. I little socially "nerdy" though if you know what I mean.

You could cause yourself headache by getting involved. I wouldn't.

poisonivy's picture

Submitted by poisonivy on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 6:56pm

I concur, and because of my experience with this very situation early in my relationship with DH, I will NEVER try to help again.

confusedsm11's picture

Submitted by confusedsm11 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:15pm

If your BF and the BM don't see this as an issue or if they choose to not deal with it, unfortunately you have to let it go. I've learned the hard way that SS is really none of my business. I've been upset so many times with DH bc I felt like BM and him weren't doing what they should be for SS but if DH doesn't want to do the fight and BM doesn't care, then as much as you do care and would like to get answers, you're at a dead end. Sad

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:30pm

I know BF is worried too but I think he gets tired of fighting BM every step of the way to get something done. So I have to keep pushing him and he has a lot on his mind but his kids should always come first.
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IMHO…you are way over reacting. And you are pushing your DH to do things he really does not care about. You really need to back up and see what you are doing. I think you are going to anger BM enough that it is going to back fire on you and your DH, more than you can imagine.
Looking at this from BM’s point of view, I would be ticked also. It is almost like you are WAY to eager to prove something wrong with her son over a…”weird thing” he does. Does your DH make him stop when he does it, or do you all just go find a camera and let him continue?

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:53pm

It sounds like you mention that their other son has autism. Is it possible he's learned some of the "tics" from his sibling? What you describe sounds similar to an autistic tic but if it's only like ONE thing he does, it may just be a repetitive behavior he does because he's somewhat copying his brother. And if the BM has another son with a disorder, that might be why she's so adamant that this son has NO problems at all...she is in denial?

If BF is really worried about this, I would try to schedule another appointment during your BF's time with his son, if possible. I agree with the other posters though that if it's something that BF and BM don't seem to care about, you really can't push them. It'll just be a nastier situation if you do.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 3:56pm

I am beginning to think that I am in over my head with this whole situation, I am thinking break up and get the hell out, but I don't want to be hasty. It may be medically more than I can handle. I am in the process of trying to seek help for myself. Based on your comments - which i appreciate! I think My first priority should be myself right now and focusing on my own medical problems, which sucks because I don't have insurance. But I don't think that I am thinking clearly lately. I've made some stupid mistakes. Thanks for the advise, i think i just needed to hear it from someplace else.

As for the child, that thing he does, I do tell him to stop and in some cases beg him to or leaving the room - I can't stand to see/hear it any more, it gets on my nerves. I tried setting rules like no running in the house but he does it any way and when I asked him "why are you running in the house?" he just shrugs and then starts bouncing in place of running. He also does it in the car, will put toys down to do it, and while playing video games. We are on our 2nd Wii remote, the laptop has taken a nose dive as well (due to a game pad running/bouncing incident), My iPhone has take a few hits(which he wasn't allowed to play in the first place) and he has ran into the cats a few times. I told BF last night when he doesn't smile when he does it, it doesn't look like something that he enjoys doing.

I have thought about the copying thing too, but I wonder who is copying who? I don't see SS3 doing it as much as SS6 and SS3 will stop if you ask him to, SS6 will stop for a minute and %50 of the time start back up again. And no I don't run get the video camera every time - I would run out of storage space, I only taped it a few times to show the doctor. It was all within a week span when I found out about the doc appt. Once I had what I needed I stopped.

I am going to go home tonight and talk with BF - about me. I have told him in the past that I love him but I am not putting my health on the line for any one. If I can't get treated/medicated I am done with this relationship.