Ever Done This, Anyone?
Has anyone ever been with your DH/DW and enjoying your time? Feeling close with them and glad you get them to yourselves...and honestly maybe this is more directed to the folks with the older SKs...when your time is interrupted by the SKs? Or the BM if your DH/DW still has kids young enough to have to deal with the BM/BF?
Example...DH and I were at a Fall Festival this past Saturday..we got up early and planned to make a day out of it. SD called him while we were there..had just gotten there in fact when she called. I heard her whiny voice "Hi Daddy..." and I just walked away from where he was standing. Hearing part of the conversation was nauseating..he began to talk about how she was wanting to come down which told me our day was about to come to an end together. I had not seen him all week and once she shows up, I pretty much take a back seat to her boisterous, drama-seeking behavior.
From that point on...my day was ruined.
Part of me felt guilty because that IS his daughter...part of me was so angry because he was MY husband and I hadn't seen him in what seemed like forever...and another part of me just wanted to take off an leave him to spend the day with his daughter.
I'm so tired of letting myself feel this way, but I know a lot of people that feel like I do, so I know it's pretty normal. I have a 20 year old daughter, but I never put her over my time with my husband unless it's a dire need. We spend time together when he's at work so my time with my DH is special..he just works so much it's hard to see him.
He just instantly swings into this "We all need to go to dinner and hang out" mode...I can barely stand to be in the same air space as her. She has already stated some 'girl came along and took her dad from her and she lost her father due to me'...does he not understand that I feel like a 3rd wheel? I almost feel he expects us all to jump in together and sing "Are You Happy and You Know It..Clap Your Hands!!"
Right.
Turns out she never showed up so our day was spent together and it was nice to bond with him. Seemed like we hadn't had fun in a while..
Have you all dealt with these feelings before?
Yea I have. What kills me is
Yea I have. What kills me is when DH and I are trying to spend some time alone together or actually have enough money to go out to eat that is when SS's decide they want to be home that weekend.
I have definitely had those
I have definitely had those feeling lol! This week my partner has had to fly off for work for a few days, he gets home Friday night and then we have a weekend full of his ss who just sits about 2mm away from him the whole time he is here. I just want to pry him off and sit on my partner and yell 'mine!' for a few hours! But then I feel the same with my own kids as well sometimes so I don't act on the impulses.
What gets to me the most is when the bm calls just to make up some dramas like 'oh we'll have to change the times around this week' or 'i don't think he should go to your place cos he's sick', or 'can you come over and help me discipline him'. We had just started off on a week long family holiday - the first one with our 2 babies and us, and in the 1st hour in the car she called with some crap about wanting to change the weekends so we would have to go home. Luckily my partner told her no, but after a 30min fight about it I felt like the whole holiday just got ruined by her!
Thanks ladies - I think it
Thanks ladies - I think it stands out so much for me because my SKs are all adults. I shouldn't feel like I'm competing for my husband's attention at any given time, but I do with his daughter.
She has a way of just taking up the ENTIRE conversation and it's all about herself......she's so self absorbed....just like her mother. If she sees I'm near her father, she'll literally talk faster and louder. It's so obvious it's sickening. She turns 20 in just a couple months so it's very childish to watch. All I want to do is leave the room when she gets like that and hug the toilet and vomit. :sick:
I really think that the more she feels she's ignoring me, the more she feels she's hurting me. When in reality what she is doing is creating such a hostile environment that she's drawn a line in the sand between she and I. She's made me step clear back from her and not want much to do with her and her dramas. The more she's lied the further back I've stepped. So for her to act so childish towards me only makes me dislike her more. Doesn't make me want to run towards her in the slightest.
I remember one time I got off work and found her and her BF at my house..they had been there for 3 hours before I got home. I changed clothes, went outside and walked up to my husband to hug and kiss him..immediately behind me I could hear her begin to shout "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" and a bunch of God knows what to get his attention.
Basically what you'd see a 6 year old do and say.
When he didn't respond but kept talking to me, she angrily said "I come all the way down here and you ignore me like this!!!" and stomped into our house slamming the door. She looked like a simple idiot and a large child. What did the nut think? We would instantly stop talking and hugging and allow a GROWN ASS WOMAN to interrupt our conversation to give her control that she desperately needed?
Get real sister.
Ah, my DH and I have a
Ah, my DH and I have a rule.
Because you get so tied up with your own children the other partner makes the decisions after a discussion. The other partner makes the final call.
Example: SS wants to come over. DH asks me if we are doing anything and do I have a problem with it. Ummm not really. However I have plans to sew and watch a movie so he isn't hogging the TV. And no eating us out of house and home. SS has a nasty habit of not eating at his mothers house and using our place as Buffet City. Although that seems to have slowed since I stopped the hot breakfasts every weekend.
Example: My daughter wants to use our laundry as she doesn't have one in her apartment. I ask DH if he minds her coming over to use it. He says it's fine as long as she brings her own detergent.
Example: OSS is in county jail for breaking probation (long story). DH offered his ex for YSS to come and stay with us for a while while his mother deals with crap. He also 'kindly' offered $100 for OSS credit so he can call his father and buy things like a little radio (he could be there for a few months and he is 19).
I read the riot act. #1 he didn't ask if it was OK for YSS to come and stay. I have no problem but he is supposed to ask. #2 where the hell does he get off offering $100 so his dumbarse son who KNEW the probation terms but broke them anyway gets shitload of credit to spend in jail when only 3 days prior DH was complaining about our savings dwindling to a horrific level?
He agreed he overstepped the boundaries we both agreed on and things were resolved.
But nothing would annoy me more than a 19 yr old who pulls the 'petulant child' act. New Beginnings, make an agreement with your husband ... unless there is fire, blood or broken bones or a death your plans continue and he can call her when you get home. And turn the cell phone off so they can't get to him!
All the time! Matter of
All the time! Matter of fact...skids were supposed to be gone this weekend--BM was supposed to be taking them to Sea World this weekend. Actually, it was supposed to be last weekend and she had to move it to this weekend. DH called her yesterday to ask her if she was picking up SD from tutoring that afternoon, or did he need to. BM informed him that she was on her way out of town (to work) for the next couple weeks. So...we have the skids this weekend. I was so looking forward to having them out of town, even though my daughter would still be there...it was the idea of being skid-free. And to top it off, DH is supposed to go out of town next weekend on an annual golf tournament and BM was supposed to take the kids so that he could go. Now, she tells him she can't watch them (this has been planned for months!). Favorite Aunt just happened to be there yesterday, so DH asked if she could watch them next weekend. She said she would see what her schedule is (she's an ER nurse). When DH stepped out of the room, Aunt and I discussed SD and I told her that I would not watch the skids next weekend because I refuse to be alone with SD because of all the lies she has told about me (causing BM to literally try to start a fight in my living room!). So, hopefully, Aunt can watch the kids or else DH's golf weekend will be ruined.
C.G. That drives me nuts
C.G. That drives me nuts too! It would be different if the kids were little and actually needed to hold Daddy's hand. My SD12 did that a month ago. She didn't remove my hand, but her Dad was holding packages in the other hand, and she whined that she wanted to hold Daddy's hand but he was holding mine. Gag me with a spoon!
He calmly asked her to hold the packages so he could hold her hand with his other hand. She declined. I guess she just didn't want me holding his hand.
On our last outing, she tried to make sure she was standing or walking between us all the time so we couldn't hold hands.
That is the hardest part of all for me, because I actually stress out about it before we leave the house, wondering if it's going to happen again. Makes me not want to go anywhere with them. They're 10 and 12 for heaven's sake. I wouldn't have been caught dead holding either parent's hand after the age of 7 or 8 I'm sure.
Yes... For 13 years I have
Yes... For 13 years I have had no kids EOWE. I am primary 100% and DH 50/50. When the SKIDS turned 18 the SS went to live with BM and SD chose here. (I really got screwed on that deal.) I no longer have my kid-free EOWE... his kids pop in and out without calling, walk right in and often do not announce themselves or even say hello. There have been times when DH & I look at each other and say ... did you hear someone walking upstairs?? Well, that got fixed..
So I checked with the SKIDS to see who would be home or over on Saturday--no one. SD was even doing an overnight at her moms. I planned a nice romantic dinner/evening for DH & I (we had been fighting for several weeks--about SKIDS--see first paragraph). No kids, no talking about kids. We have candles, fireplace glowing, dim lights, low music, two steaks, two bottles of wine.... rambunctious dog sleeping...
DH & I seated talking.. laughing... and... the mosquito arrives: What's for dinner, I am starving!! I look at SD with such contempt. I look at DH, my chin quivering, my eyes filling with tears-- soon red with rage. She looks at the setting, Oh! Whats this--all faaancy? I swallow hard, clear my throat... THIS is what we do when we do not have kids around... THIS is what we do every EOWE for 9 yrs!! Why are you here, you said you were not coming home tonight. She smiles and shrugs. Sits down and starts roving the table. Just as I was going to tell her there are left overs in the frige, DH splits his steak and as the juices run... the glowing ambiance morphs to that thick fog, that I live in everyday...
After dinner, after regaining my composure I told her, this WILL not happen again... You are a tenant, not a guest. You call first!! If you EVER find yourself in this situation again, you apologize for the intrusion, and excuse yourself.
We discussed what happened... the situation totally illuminated my grievances... I did not have rehash weeks of irritations.. the night spoke loudly.
DH & I did manage to have a good evening...
Oh, I know that feeling well.
Oh, I know that feeling well. That "someone just kicked me in the gut," not-gonna-cry, look at the ceiling so you don't cry, like you said, lump in the throat feeling. Yup, our weekend in New Orleans which was supposed to be our celebration of our engagement. Enjoying time alone after having the FSS7 almost every day for 2 1/2 months straight (I'm not a kid person, and it was a huge adjustment for me).
Enjoying, ahem, "adult fun," and phone rings. Thiiiiiis close to happy ending. Happy ending epic fail. FH says "that's J, I better take it, I'm sorry." WTF?!?!?! Bad enough the phone was on (we had agreed to turn our phones off). BM had agreed to try to give us alone time, and not have FSS call unless it was important. "Important" to 7yo is to call and talk about a type of train (his obsession) for exactly 2 min, before FH was able to get him off the line. Meantime, I was defeated. I mean, utterly, absolutely crushed and defeated. I just went to the bathroom and took a shower while they talked. He apologized, but I was really hurt that he couldn't just let the phone go to vm, and call back later. Or hey, turn it off like mine was! It really set the tone for the rest of the evening, and the next day as well, which was our last day there. He tried to make it up to me, but some things you just cant make up.
Your right... somethings
Your right... somethings can't be recreated... Especially rudely interrupted happening endings...
It took awhile for DH to understand that when the kids are with BM... there is no situation that she cannot handle.. if she is not competent, then she shouldn't have placement. Period. No need for contact unless emergency. Even then, get to the hospital first.. then call. This especially true for us since our home was home-base for school.. we saw the kids every single day... fed them breakfast, lunch, and snack every single day. Sometimes dinner if mom was running late--no kidding at least once weekly. Oh, and paid full CS. In the big scheme of things we had the kids 75/25.
DH & I do a date night every week... My youngest would call.. I answer and say is this an emergency? Well, no. Is everyone/thing fine? Yes, but but but... I will talk when we get home. She did this a lot.. DH, irritated, but never with his own, firmly told her no more calls unless its an emergency... I called ALL of the kids down.... DH REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID.... TO ALL OF THE KIDS... Got it? EVVVERRRYONE?
I sympathise completely. FSS
I sympathise completely. FSS will try to wiggle between my FH and I if we sit on the same side at a restaurant, although I don't think he fully understands why he does it. he loves me, but I studied psychology and anthropology, and I know from an evolutionary standpoint why skids and sparents have these issues.
From an evolutionary standpoint, it is in the skid's best interest to come between the parents (bio or step). 1) it means more resources for him, if he can prevent another kid from being born (evolution favors the greedy, because they survive). 2) stepparents don't share the genes of the stepkid, so there is no evolutionary drive to make sure they survive to adulthood, in fact, quite the opposite (look at lions). 3) stepkid shares bio-parent's genes, and bio-parent will defend those genes, at the risk of losing SO, because that is how you survive through time, pass on your genes. Basically, from an evolutionary standpoint, the skids being obnoxious pains in the ass are in their best interest, and the bio parent either supporting it, or ignoring it, is in their best interests.
Now comes anthropology. Human culture allows us to overcome our evolutionary tendencies. We are the only animals who can truly do this. But it aint easy, as you can see all over this website. It boils down to choices. In my case, I emailed the BM and requested that she not allow FSS to call after 9pm, because we were often in bed then, and I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate us letting FSS interrupt her "adult time" with HER husband when FSS isn't there. Voila! 10pm phone calls cease. FSS tried to get between us on couch Wed night. I say nothing, wait til he gets up (he's 8, attention span of brocolli), then skootch over and cuddle necxt to FH. FSS tried to climb between us, I told him he could sit next to me, then dad follows my lead and tells him to settle down and quit climbing all over us.
It's about using psychology and understanding of human behavior to mentally outdo someone who is evolutionarily your opponent. It sounds cold, but its true. And from what I read here, it works. Either you can learn to be smarter than your opponent, or like some here I read about, you end up losing to the skids, because their evolutionary battle pwned yours.
I'm soooo sorry to hear about
I'm soooo sorry to hear about your honeymoon, ls1988. That almost brought tears to my eyes. The honeymoon is supposed to be special, between the new partners. God, I'm so sorry that it still hurts you after all this time. I understand it, and it sucks.
We did a familymoon... and
We did a familymoon... and the rules were that all kids had to go back to the condo at 10:30... so that DH & I had our time... and our two friends had their time... We had 7 kids with us... only 2 disobeyed and hung with us---mouths hanging open catching flies.. It was like talking to the wall when I told the SKIDS to go back with the other kids... Our friends one night got up.. and said: It's apparent that your kids do not feel that they got enough time with you ALL DAY... WE will leave you all be.. Goodnight...
DH said later... hmmm, I hope they are okay and not fighting with each other. I laughed and said your kidding, right? They, like me, want private adult time... We have been with the kids all day, there is NO need for them to be hanging with us until 1:30 in the morning.. (then sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, I digress...) You are the only one that doesn't see it!!
We got two nights of adult time in...
ls1988: OMG, that is a
ls1988: OMG, that is a horrible, horrible story. I just don't even have words...
Triggerfishgal... what a
Triggerfishgal... what a fascinating explanation!
Newbeginning... You are not the first and not the last to feel the way that you do. But honestly, I thought she was 6 when you first started into your story! She is still acting like a child who desparately needs her daddy. I think coddling is such a bad way to parent but unfortunately, daddies tend to coddle their little girls because they don't want to upset them. God forbid that they learn they can't have everything they want and when they want it. My dad had no problems upsetting me, let me tell you!
But seriously... my SD is 5 and she annoys the crap out of me! She absolutely hates me, I'm convinced although DH says that isn't so but he does admit that she is very jealous of me. I understand that and it's perfectly normal and human of her to feel that way.
When SD is around, I feel that I can't be anywhere near him or I get the stinkeye from her. She always has to sit next to him or she cries. Pathetic! And she really hates it when DH hugs or kisses me. At one point when she was 3 and 4 she would actually try to push us apart when we hugged. Instead of telling her not to do that... he laughed and smiled, blah, blah, blah.
So, yes, I know what you are going through... I don't resent her existence as a human or as his daughter... I just can't stand her. And I'm not aware of any written rule that says that he have to like/love all our skids.