The Ex
Am I Being Unreasonable??
My boyfriend and his ex has been split up for about 7 years. They have 2 children that are 18 and 21. He paid good child support, never late, until his youngest turned 18. His ex works part time and her husband is on disability. The 21 yr old lives at home and has been on welfare basically since he was 18 and doesn't seem too concerned about getting a job or to further his education. The youngest is 18, just moved to a different city and will soon be on the welfare system too. He hasn't been in school since grade 9 and is rebellious. We have tried to encourage his children and mine to get an education, do the best they can, and make something of their life. The sad part is that I don't see that they are headed in any good direction right now. We have tried to encourage them and it doesn't seem to work.
The past few months his ex has asked to borrow money for vehicles, rent, and other reasons. She cannot seem to budget her money to pay her bills. It causes arguments between my boyfriend and I because he feels sorry for them. He would probably give it to her even though he can't afford it. She gives him sad stories that no one will lend her money. I have no idea whether her husband is aware that she is doing this. She calls my boyfriend when I am not around. I have blocked 8 phone numbers because of unnecessary calling. So she calls from somewhere else or blocks her number. She calls him when he is on the road away from home and uses his kids to find out everything happening in my house. My boyfriend lies about it when she calls and it annoys me. I don't get it. The conversations never end at his kids.
I come from a very supportive family that would help me out in any situation. We have been together a few years now and I am sick of it. I have told him it is either her or me? They didn't want to be together when they had nothing and now his life has turned around for the better, seems to me that the story changes. He says I am imagining things, I don't think so, the phone bill doesn't lie.
My ex and I don't talk unless absolute necessary and I certainly could not be bothered calling his house and sticking my nose in his business or asking to borrow money.
At what point do I say, "I am outta here, enough is enough?"
Hi Franny, I think you're
Hi Franny,
I think you're right on the money here (no pun intended!) His legal obligation to give money to BM finished when the youngest turned 18. If he was giving money to his kids, then it would be a bit different (though still annoying as it sounds like they choose not to work) but he owes BM nothing, nada, squit!
If he's not getting it, try asking how he'd feel if you were in constant contact with your ex, lending him money (with no idea if you'd get it back) and then trying to lie to him about it. The kids are old enough to phone their dad themselves, so she needs to back off.
Is this a deal breaker for you? You mention an ultimatum, and that you're thinking of leaving, and all I can say is that please don't through this stuff at him unless you really mean it as otherwise you may need to back down. Also, if you do mean it, then don't put a timescale on things as otherwise it will be fine up until the deadline passes.
“The phone bill doesn’t lie”
Somebody isn't truthing. I'm just an outsider looking in, and it's my opinion that this has little-to-nothing with money; it's about trust. You've blocked EIGHT phone numbers, yet your phone bill proves he is reaching out to initiate calls to her? Then he tells you that you are imagining things. That's gaslighting. Try re-writing your post in bullet format, just outlining facts without emotion.
You come from a good, supportive family; it might be time to lean on them. You've been with him less than 7 years, right? That feeling you have in your gut is a foreshadow of your future. You deserve better. Why is a stranger (me) telling you this? Saying goodbye is Hard, I know. Living in the shadow's edge of trust can slowly destroy your soul. Age does not equal wisdom; however, I'm 58 years old and have walked a few miles in the shoes I outlined. I hope I'm jaded and wrong. But if what I've written rings true to you, you're better off alone (and you won't be for long -- it only feels like two forevers) than living in that kind of lie. Trust your gut. It gets better, I promise. Best wishes...