Exit plan
Hey all. Do any of you have exit plans? I'm seriously considering leaving. My fiancé and I have been together almost 5 years and living together for almost 3. Nothing is getting better. It's gotten to the point that I pick up extra shifts at work when my BKs are at their dads and SKs are at our home just so I can avoid being there. This solution is great in that I don't have to deal with it at least half of the weekend, but I have to come home from a 12+ hour shift to find the house torn up and my BKs room raided by my SKs. We have them every weekend minus every 4th/5th weekend rotating when they stay at their moms. I hate that I have to stay home alone with SKs every Saturday until he gets home from work at 4:30pm. My fiancé has expressed that he doesn't like that I'm gone so much when his kids are home with us and he was hurt after I expressed my reasoning. My BKs have expressed growing resentment towards the unfair treatment and my fiancé is now nit picking at small errors of my BKs bc of my expressed frustration with his lack of parenting/structure/involvement etc with his children. Small errors as in not turning off the bathroom light, reading for 15 min instead of 20 min bc their book is done (part of their nightly routine/ homework I give them), or they didn't rinse their dishes adequately after meals. He's never mean when he nit picks but he has been making it a point to point it out. Then he is offended when I don't bat an eye at it. At least they are cleaning up after their meals and they do their homework WITHOUT being asked. His kids on the other hand do none it even if I do ask and that is the least of my concerns with my SKs and fiancés lack of parenting. Stealing, lying, hitting, racist comments, lack of respect, snooty attitudes, and his lack of effort to correct it is my biggest concern. He blames it on the SK mom NCLEX she makes threats and doesn't follow through or gives them what they want bc she can't handle the tantrums. He is just as guilty. He will either look the other way completely or make threat after threat without follow through. In the past he has made small corrections to his parenting after we argued about it only to revert back to laissez-faire parenting style. SDs therapist has diagnosed her with ODD. When I told him this diagnosis is highly due to environmental causes such as lack of parenting he instantly blamed his ex (his ex was also highly offended with this diagnosis and sought a new therapist). He thinks if his kids live with us full time that it would be better. Alarms started sounding in my instantly. I would NOT be able to handle that. If he were a more hands on dad naturally and consistently I'd at least give it a shot.
My biggest dilemma in leaving sooner is childcare. I work night shifts and typically only work 3 days a week (12+ hour shifts) and occasional call and those days typically fall on the nights my BKs are at their dads. However, once or twice every couple of weeks my fiancé is home with my BKs while I work. I found a reasonably priced night shift sitter, but she isn't available until May. I feel like I'm using him if I wait until the sitter is available, but he also gets more time with his kids since I watch them while he works on saturdays. Otherwise he wouldn't get them until Saturday night.
Any advice of input would be much appreciated.
Don’t worry about using him
Because he is clearly happy to use you to watch his feral, racist monsters.
May is only a couple of months away, which I realize in your situation likely seems 1000 times longer. But if you need that time to have a strong exit plan, then do it. Spend your time now slowly removing important documents, setting up private banking and other accounts if you've not already, organizing your move and finding a new place.
I'm sorry this is happening in your life right now, but you sound very level headed and a good parent to get your kids out of that disfunction. You will be in a much better place soon!
Thank you for the input. We
Thank you for the input. We only have one shared account for savings, do you think it's a good idea to wait until the day before to withdrawal my share? It's also my house, how do I make sure he doesn't take my things when he leaves. I'd rather not be there for that. He knows that I have a security cameras that covers the living room, front, and rear enterances. I don't think he would stoop that low but if he thought to maybe the cameras would stop him. This all gives me anxiety and flash backs of when I kicked my ex out.
Oh, so you need a "kicking
Oh, so you need a "kicking him out" plan. On one hand, that's good, you already have a place, on the other hand, now you have to get him to go. If he's familiar with the tenant laws of your state, he could make it a process. Do you know the laws of your state, just in case? Do you think he will go quietly? He will need notice to find somewhere to live, unless he has friends or family to stay with.
Take your money out of the shared account when you feel comfortable doing it (I know you don't want to set off any bells) and NEVER put your savings in a shared account again. I've been with my DH for 23 years and we still have separate accounts.
If you are worried about him taking your stuff when he moves out, maybe you can have a friend or family member be there to oversee. You might want to be there, too, though so as not to put that person on the spot with the responsibility, but they can be there for support.
I'm sorry that it's come to this but it's better than living a life you don't want.
Others have given you very
Others have given you very good advice, so my only input is to remove your share of the money TODAY.
I would start asking around
I would start asking around at work for other single parents on different shifts to yours who might be willing to swap babysitting duties with your for a while.
I'm not sure what is available where you live but getting a sitter through an agency could also help you fill the gap. It might cost more but if it is short term then it might be possible to stretch funds until May.
As for the house, I would take lots of photos of the rooms and the contents as it is now to record what is there and the condition. I might start thinking about things that you bought together (furniture/appliences ect) and decide which ones I would be ok with him taking and which ones I absolutely want to keep myself. A storage facility or a friend/relative's house could be a good place to quietly while away your documents and small valubles and sentimental pieces until you get him out and the locks changed.