Expectations...
Its been about 2 yrs since I've been on here, but I'm back b/c I need a much needed outlet! I've been married for almost 3 yrs and my husband has 2 sons (10 & almost 7), we've been together for 5. I feel as a step mom, that I'm almost 'expected' to love these children and treat them as my own. (I do not have any children) I just don't feel that way. The kids annoy me and since we only have them 40% of the time, they are being raised to be trash by their mother and her felon husband. They are disrespectful to our home and don't follow the rules whatsoever. My husband is strick but sometimes he feels bad to constantly being punishing or yelling at them b/c that's not how he wants to spend his time with them. I like it much better when they are not there and he sometimes gets upset with me that I plan to do things out of the house when we have them. But they are NOT my kids and I dont love or feel the same way he does about them. But I feel like b/c I'm their step mom that I have to feel that way. Its so frustrating! I don't to complain about them to friends or other people b/c I dont want the judgements. I just don't really love these kids. I love my husband deeply though. Am I the only one?
Thank godness! Yeah I feel
Thank godness! Yeah I feel like just b/c I'm a female and I care for the house and the kids, that I'm suppose to feel and treat them as if they are my own. I am VERY respectful of his kids and their feelings but I just don't love them like that. I care about them and would NEVER want a thing to happen to them. But just b/c I am IN LOVE wth my DH, doesnt mean I am in love with his kids. I accept them and his past. But then I feel slightly guilty or a bad SM b/c of it!
Don't feel bad. Their not
Don't feel bad. Their not yours and your brain isn't wired to love them like a BM's brain is. I feel exactly how you do about the discipline issue. My SS's don't have manners, they fight all damn day, and even worse, when we take them to stores, they are the only kids in the stores running around screaming and playing like freakin monkeys! Their mom doesn't have a car so when we take them places they go apeshit with excitement.
But your frustration is genuine and natural and as long as you dont hurt them or be disrespectful then your husband cant expect anything more than that. It's good he's trying the discipline thing, as they grow older must lay down ground rules so they no okay at BM's we act like this but at Dad's we have to act better etc.
I just feel alone when I need
I just feel alone when I need to express that I just dont' love or care for them in that way. They do stuff and he awes over their cuteness and I dont see it. My neice could do the SAME thing and I'm the one awing like she is so cute! I get that since its his kids, he finds alot of what they do as cute or funny, I just don't. They annoy me.
He is very stern b/c unlike BM, he expects his kids to behave and act like civil humans, not monkeys. We have rules, a rule chart, choirs and there are plenty of rewards. The craziest part is the kids say they like it at our house more, quite often. But I'm like how can they like coming over to get yelled at and punished b/c they dont listen
don't feel bad!! and MOST
don't feel bad!! and MOST important - DO NOT let your BF give up on being strict!! It's not his fault that they don't get the hint that THEY have to be good!! My DH did that to our now SD14!! He "didn't want to yell at her all the time". blah blah blah.....we would do it 100% differently now!!
Thanks! Thankfully he doesnt
Thanks! Thankfully he doesnt give up and we stick to our rules, even if it makes our house not the fun place. We want them to be respectable little boys as they grow!
I instantly loved my
I instantly loved my brother's kids. They are quite spoiled and don't listen much but I think they are so cute and they never annoy me. So I guess I kinda compare even though my niece and nephew are blood and it is different b/c they dont live with me.
I just hate when my DH gets upset b/c I say your kids but they are his. They are not mine and I've never claimed them as such. Its not being rude, its just reality! I know he doesnt get it and we've had many conversations about this and I tell him he is not the step parent in this situation so he doesnt understand how I feel!
You are not alone. I think
You are not alone. I think DH's have this "fantasy" that the intact family will be restored with the "new" wife and he will make things all new for their children. The "guilt" gets to them. They also see us emersed in the care taking of the kids and along with that must come "love", but they are wrong.
Someone on here not too long ago said "would your DH spend time with some strange child he's never met and then say they love them?" I was pushing the love thing too. I thought I had to love them and no, I don't. I can say I do love one of my skids (I have 5 skid's and 2 BM's) but that's because she's an adult and we work together on our relationship and I see her as one of my own kids. I have 3 skids that are 10,12 and 13, I care for the 10 yr. but his BM is ruining our relationship (she's a pro at alientating her kids).
I do think you need to talk with DH about the discipline issues and work together. My DH is not working well with me in raising and taking care of his kids. So now I'm disengaging from the whole thing and let him take charge and make mistakes. My new mantra is "not my kids, not my problem"
Welcome back and hang in there!!
Some days I get so annoyed
Some days I get so annoyed and feel like a maid/cook and then I'm suppose love these kids as my own. I get one day my own child may make me feel the same, but it will be my child. DH can tolerate so much more of his kids that I can. B/c they are his!!
I do love them and care for them but its not a deep love or even an unconditional love. Its a love that grew b/c I loved my DH so much but thats pretty much the extent of it. I just think the expectation is insane to have to love, accept and care for SK like instantly. I've said this is the most thankless job I've ever had. Ie...I will plan, execute and host their b-day party, my DH just shows up and they thank and kiss DH and I get nothing. DH has to say SM is the one who did everything, thank her! I know he at least acknowledges that but it makes me not want to do anything!
We discuss often b/c we have a nice home and I want to keep that way. And I dont want to be embrassed to be out with them so its something we constantly work at!
Thanks
Definately not alone. I care
Definately not alone. I care for my SD but I don't think I love her. She was raised completely opposite of how I raised my kids. She is entitled, spoiled, bratty, obnoxious know it all. I raised my kids to be appreicative, respectul, kind and loving. I know SD has some of those qualities but if they aren't nutured then the crappy stuff takes over.
My BF finally sees that he is doing SD no favors by continuing to indulge her every whim. The results are like a flashing neon sign in his adult DD's so that is a help.
I also feel like I am doing a disservice to myself by allowing or condoning her bad behavior. Sounds wierd but she does some crap that would have never been allowed from my Bio kids. I felt like as the SM or dads GF that I had no right to say anything. So now I disengage completely it is very hard though. But it has forced my BF to step up and parent her. He just expected me to fall all over myself to cater to her every need. NOT!!! One day when he was taking her to work with him to dump her on the secretaries and I voiced my concern that they might be busy doing their job and not have time to pamper princess. He says to me "oh come on its Sd we are talking about they will be happy to have her around" :sick: I knew for a fact that the ladies had been pretty fed up with SD and her know it all attitude. So I finally convinced him to get her a sitter.