Feeling guilty about being "mom"
Hi everyone, I am new here and stumbled across this site quite by accident, but it is nice to find somewhere to talk to people who understand my frustrations. My DH an I met a little over 6 years ago, at that time he had a verbal agreement for custody with the BM. That didn't last long because of her addictions she was unable to keep up her end of the agreement. During the time we have been together we have had the kids all but about 3 months at the very beginning. DH now has sole custody and they have lived with us for the last 6 years, the BM has seen them 3 times in that time frame and maybe talked to them on the phone 25 times. They call me mom because their therapist recommended it not because I requested it. I feel very guilty about that fact, because if my bio kids called someone else mom I would want to die. I have never wanted or tried to replace their BM, but she has not been part of their lives. She has never supported them in any way, no birthday presents, Christmas presents and certainly no CS. She has been in and out of prison and rehab the entire 6 years more out than in. I feel bad for the kids that she can't or won't get her shit together and be their mom. I am the one who cares for them, cooks for them, helps with homework, comforts them when sick, tucks them in at night, and gets all their hugs and kisses. But I can't help but feel like I can't give them everything they need. I guess I should be thankful that we do not have BM interfering in our lives, but I do not want them to suffer. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? If you had a choice would you want your SKIDS BM out of the picture? Thanks for listening, and if I posted this twice I am sorry... this is new to me.
I don't hear you complaining
I don't hear you complaining about behavior problems, there's a blessing you can count. I do wonder what DH is doing while you are doing all the parenting.
Kids need to feel safe and loved. That's what they need more than anything. It sounds like they are safe and it sounds like they are loved. If they want to call you mom, don't feel guilty. I would take it as a compliment. It's not your fault their BM can't take care of them.
If the BM was strung out like that, yes, I would prefer she stay away. If she was a functional mom, then then she should be in the children's lives. But she should not ever be meddling in your and DH's lives.
I think you are doing a great thing. Good luck with it all.
I would have an issue with
I would have an issue with skids calling me mom too. But it must have been confusing for them to see your kids call you mom and for them to not have one. Do you (or their dad or therapist) talk to them about their mother and why she's not around? Even if she's not physically present, that does not mean that she's gone. I'm sure skids think about her and talk about her at times.
Don't compare how you would feel if your kids called another woman mom. You would probably never abandon them and do all of the things that she's done (or failed to do for them). If BM has any sense she would be grateful that you've been there to care for the kids while she's been off with her addition.
MY skids also have a f-d up BM, we're custodial. If I had a choice, I would want my skids BM to be MORE in the picture. I would want her to do her damn job so that I wouldn't have to. She probably likes to think that I want to "replace" her. I don't, I just see kids that need to be cared for and loved. I Want her to do her job so that I won't have to!!!
Anyway, good luck. Don't do anything but applaud yourself!!!!!
My DH does what he can but he
My DH does what he can but he works 12 hour shifts and is schedule is different than the kids, I am a stay at home mom and for that I am grateful. He does alot for the kids when he is home, as far as discipline and activities with them however I do the majority of the day to day things. As far as being appreciative she is anything but, she is a hateful, spiteful narcissitic child. She cheated on DH their whole marriage and he finally left her and took the skids we didn't meet till a year later but somehow I am a homewrecker. As far as behavior problems, I could make you a list. My youngest skid is diagnosed with ADHD and ODD hence the therapist, he wets his bed every night, poops in the corner when he is mad at us, pees on his brothers clothes when he is mad at him, destroys anything he is given, steals his siblings things and gives them away, has a horrible temper and bullies his brother, and lies about everything he would lie about the sun being yellow. He is doing some better with the help of a therapist, and at this point she does not deal with the issues with him about BM. However the skids never ask about her or even speak of her, they don't have any contact with her family either they have never tried to see them or communicate in any way. So beileve me if she was straight, stable, responsible and could stay out of jail for any length of time, I would love for her to do her job and help out. However I know she would be a hateful b**** and try to cause problems for our family, so I guess I should be greatful for small favors. Sometimes it is just so overwhelming, but I do love them and would do anything for them.
In my original post I mean to
In my original post I mean to say she was more in rehab/jail than out. In the 6 years she has not even been out a total of a year. :jawdrop:
Thanks everyone, I think I
Thanks everyone, I think I know in my head that she gave up her ability to be mom when she chose drugs and criminal activity over her children. I just worry for my skids about what they have lost or are missing out on and I feel bad. However I certainly don't want her to be a yo yo in their lives either, you can't make someone straight and stable no matter how hard you want them to be. We just found out that BM is back in jail, who knows how long for this time. I guess she will just continue to dig herself a hole that will be difficult to get out of. She screwed up and I stepped up, I guess I just need to get over the guilty feelings and do the best I can for "my" children.