I'm really sorry this is happening to you- your DH invalidating your feelings is not a good sign and provokes the response of staying silent. No one has the right to silence you, particularly when you are being used as some sort of convenience this way. I really understand how that feels.

You have a right to your own time, and not have to spend it doing something so clearly stressful. You have no answers because it isn't your problem- it is DH's and BM's issue to sort out.

You are not stuck- you can beat this but it may be a painful process for all of you. 

Maybe counselling could help? I don't know, sometimes it works for some people but I think it is often a bit of a lottery. 

What you really need to do is work on your self-esteem- because you are being ground down and that is not justified. This is not your mess.

I wish I could give you practical solutions, but that depends on your circumstances but after nine year of similar stuff I got out and have never looked back. Start making your exit plan as it seems to be something he's threatening you with.

So SS parents get to not waste their time not parenting their child but you have too.

I think you need to be busy and NOT be available to cover for you husband and his EX.  Stop apologising, why is it ok for him not to parent his child but OK for you to babysit.

Your DH is laying on a thick guilt trip and it seems to be working. Think about his solutions. If he divorces you, then he would have to designate all his weekends around SS10. That is something that he has already said he doesnt want to do.  There is no way he is going to give up custody of his son because of you. If thats the case, why didn't he do it before you came into the picture?  The truth is that if you weren't there to pick  up the slack, he'd either do it himself or have less visitation with his son.  He knows this, but he wants it both ways.  It is so much easier to guilt you into taking care of his responsibilities.

Don't be afraid to say no. Your DH is throwing a fit because he sees himself losing his free child care.  If he doesn't want to take care of his kid, then he needs to work out a better arrangement with BM.  The two of them made this kid and it is their responsibility to take care of him.  They will just have to do what the rest of us parents do, which is figure it out.

I would stick to your guns and only provide the care that you feel comfortable with.

Your DH is being an a$$.

As other posters have pointed out, this is not your kid.  You are not the parent.

He is going to lose some freedom (that you were kind enough to give him) and he will have to parent his son. 

Maybe ask him why he is avoiding his own kid?  Why isn’t he setting a schedule where he parents himself?  Why is he rudely expecting you to just be available without the courtesy of asking in advance?

Don’t let his mantrum force you into anything.  If you’ve not read Stepmonster, I highly recommend it.

Disengage.  Let the man baby husband of yours step up and do HIS job as a parent.

Hopefully things get better for you! While definitely not the ideal way to say it, I’m glad that that foundation was placed. Have him put himself in your shoes (específico SS is a terror (sorry not familiar with your backstory)). Just gently let him know that although you care for SS, he’s notyour responsibility and caring for him is NOT your obligation. If he can’t respect that it’s a tough deal, but he needs to understand that continuing on as it may cause resentment (if not already) with SS and your DH as well. 

So it's OK for him, the child's parent, to not want to spend time with him but it's not OK for you? In what world is that fair? 

If he can't be bothered with his son then he should give up custody. Let everyone know what a crummy parent he is. And, in the meantime, you should find yourself things to do at the weekend that will take you away form the house. Force your dh's hand to parent on his time.

Wow - sounds like you scared the hell out of him.  He might have to actually be with his kid when he doesn't want to unless he gets you back in line!  Mine used to do the same thing.  Each hint that I was less than happy was met, not with trying to figure out the problems an fix them, but with a litany of MY FAULTS and HIS NEEDS as he internally panicked.  It worked quite well to keep me compliant for a while.  But then I reached "eff it" status and things got ugly when I made plans to meet a friend coming through town on my own time and I was accused of being passive-aggressive, Excuse me???  His worst nightmare happened when it became "these are your kids - you deal with them!"  It didn't need to get that way.  Just a bit of working with me and understanding that he couldn't just turn the skids over to me like I was their mother would have avoided the problem.  I hope your DH pulls up short and doesn;t take it that far.  The resentment is long lasting on both sides.  

Wait, so he wants you to watch his kid during the week so that HE doesn’t have to designate all his time on the weekend to HIS kid?!? 

You didn’t create this child. He has two parents who should be caring for him, not you (unless you’re ok with it, which you clearly aren’t). Why isn’t the kid in daycare, or spending time with his mother? 

Find your backbone however you need to & tell him no. He needs to take responsibility for his son, it’s not your job. Expecting a non parent to love his son the way a parent does is ridiculous.

My DH knows I love my SS’s, but that I don’t love them the same way he does. How can I? They aren’t my blood. Not to mention if anything happened between DH & I they’d be whisked out of my life faster than I could blink. 

I’m really sorry you’re going through this honey, I really hope you find a way to set this straight. This arrangement is going to lead to resentment if it hasn’t already. 

That is emotional abuse, threatening divorce if you don’t do what he wants. Don’t let him do that twice, let him know if divorce comes up as an option again, you are taking it. What an asshole. 

He wants you to deal with his kid so he can spend his weekend doing other things. That’s really charming. 

I’ll be over to punch him in the nose after I take care of NoSkid’s DH. 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds tough, and I hope the harshness of the comments aren't too hurtful. 

I do agree with the other posts though - HE doesn't want to spend HIS weekends on his own son? Selfish prick. I think if someone threatens divorce you should take him up on it. 

How dare you not be excited to be a free babysitter for your SS??? Is your DH for real? Even if you did "love" your SS it doesn't mean that you want to spend all of your time with him. I need a break from my own bios! I love them more than words can ever express... and yet, the weekends they go to their dads- it is like "Ahhhhhh...." - and they are really good kids! But they are kids, all needy in wanting me to do stuff like cook dinner- why can't they just let me drink wine? LOL I am totally kidding here, but kids in general, even the really good ones take time, effort, attention. It isn't fair that your DH is demanding that you give all of yourself to his kid while he works or does things he enjoys doing. 

Oh joy, times ten....geeze..what world does this man live in, other than his own?  LOL

It would disgust me that he EXPECTS you to babysit HIS child, and is disgusted you want your OWN life....

The more he treats you like this, the less you will love his son and likely him, as well.

You cannot live your life for his son or him.....

 He says it's not practical, as he works all week and doesn't want to designate his weekends to SS10 (he wants his own time to do other things as well, not just dote on SS10).

If my husband EVER said something like this  - I would slap him - seriously. This is HIS son - so HE SHOULD BE THERE WHEN HE IS THERE - simple as that. You are not a babysitter - unless he pays you for it!! And you are willing to do it. Stop feeling guilty -- I know it's hard  - I myself feel guilty a lot but I refuse to take care of SS when hubby is not home.

There is so much wrong here not even sure where to begin!

First - your SS has 2 parents. It is THEIR responsibility to parent him during THEIR custody time.

If THEY choose not to, why is that YOUR fault?!

Now here is where it gets tricky...men are idiots mentally when it comes to how women feel. They naturally shy away from emotion. So women need to be smarter. This is how you deal with your DH and this problem of built in babysitter...

Let this argument go. Apologize and suck it up if you want the relationship to work. The comment was wrong but your feelings are not. 

Next, when SS arrives next greet hello, play family for a few mins then make plans. "oh DH girlfriend needs my help will be back in a couple hours". And go. If your DH gives you a hard time simply remind him that SS is there to spend time with his father and he should WANT to take advantage of that. Say it with a smile. Ruffle the kids hair and pat on the back and leave.

Every. Single. Time. Until your DH gets it!

You are the busiest woman lately! You don't understand why everyone needs you all at once. Isnt it nice DH that you have been getting some much needed one on one time with your darling son? Make it seem like it is great and what a wonderful father he is. All while proving your point! 

I always walked the fine line of whether my errand-running / caretaking was in fact helping out my husband, or was it about helping out BM who always has tried to f*** with us in any lame we she can (thankfully my DH has always stood her ground against that crap).  Now when SD comes over I cringe and I totally won't do a thing for ever because of her attitude.  Don't beat yourself up - we have all been there.  

wait what? I think its great! To DH's ideas I would say.. "YES!! I agree with you! I see no other option than the 3 you mentioned. Think about it, let me know what you decide."

I think it is RIDICULOUS that he guilts you for not wanting to babysit for free.. and its not even your kid. You are not free babysitter. You are not even extended family that has a blood connection and auto love built in. It is WEIRD to express motherly love to another woman's child. Because its not normal! 

I've known my skids for .. like 10 years. I never loved them. I like them. Really like one of them. But I prefer them not around. But if the good one is around, we have a pleasant enough time. But that took YEARS. I went through times when I loathed their arrival and celebrated their departure. And many SM's on this site say the same thing. That's because there is something not quite normal about step-parenting life. It is trying to force 2 strangers (child and SM), into the most intimate close relationship there is (child and Mom). Its not natural. And it shouldn't be. He has a mother and a father. Those are the relationships that matter. 

He doesn't want weekends because it interfere's with his adult time... so he wants you to use up your time instead? LMFAO.. omg.. seriously OP.. think about this.. 

You are not wrong. He is wrong. Parents need to find child care for their kids. Normal. BM and DH need to divide their custody. Normal. Non custodial parent should plan his kid time when he... NEWS FLASH.. actually has time to be there. It is not rocket science. If he has time on the weekends, then that's when his visitation should be. If he wants an odd evening, then pick him up on the way home from work on Wednesday and drop him to school Thursday morning. 

DO NOT LET HIM PUT THIS ON YOU

No way, never, uh uh, forget it.. you are not wrong. And he can be all negative and insulting about you, but you can't be negative about him or SS? Umm no.. either expressing negative feelings is ok for EVERYONE.. or you both work to speak respectfully and thoughtfully every time (which never happens). He should care more about why you feel that way. If he wants to fix things for the good... then he should problem solve your feelings, pull back on dumping skid on you, and give you some breathing room. Or.. he will turn you against SS himself by making it a complete negative experience because it comes with a fight with your spouse. Sabotage! 

TF - I had many experiences like this with my DH where I too felt ‘beat down’ by him verbally. That’s exactly how I would have described it...he never yelled or used mean names or anything else...but he just acted so incredulous and disgusted...found my feelings so ridiculous and unbelievable...that I felt silenced and ashamed of how I was feeling.

BUT. I didn’t give up...and eventually he started to get it. Mostly on his own, but there were a couple things I said to him that seemed to get through...mostly by comparison: 

1. “I can’t believe you don’t like my kid(s)!!! He/She/They love YOU so much!!!” 

Yes. I heard this one from my DH, too...and it seems to be a common refrain among divorced dads. I believe it’s used to make stepmoms feel guilty for their very natural feelings and keep us doing and doing for kids who aren’t ours. 

When my DH said this, I started saying: “Of course they do. They’d be entitled brats if they didn’t adore me. I cook them great meals, drive them places, clean up after them, plan fun things while they’re here...buy them things with my money. Why wouldn’t they love that? Anyone would.”

The point being, obviously, that the relationships are not equivalent. Your SS has zero responsibility for you...he ONLY benefits from you. He’d be a crappy kid if he didn’t enjoy and appreciate that on some level. You, on the other hand, have a whole host of extra responsibilities and limits on what you can do with your day every time SS shows up. 

2. “You just hate my kid(s)!!!” 

My DH said this common, guilt-inducing phrase as well. One day it occurred to me to compare the situation to my niece and nephews. I asked my DH if he thought I hated my niece and nephews (absurd because I’m clearly crazy about them). He just looked at me like I was nuts. Then I said: “But do you think I’d hate it if my sisters just assumed that I’d cook and care for THEIR kids for 1/3 of every year...that I’d spend my money on them, drive them places...on a regular schedule that I had no control over? 

DH looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Then I said: “Interesting. So I clearly DON’T hate the kids...but I would understandably hate that situation...” 

I let him draw his own conclusions. 

3. “It disgusts me to think that when SS is here you don’t enjoy his presence!!!”

OK. So on this one all I can say is WOW. Your DH is a master manipulator and guilt-mongeror. The use of the word ‘disgust’ is completely over the top.

If he takes this tack again...I’d start asking questions to tease out his assumptions here. “DH. Do you assume that EVERY adult caregiver in SS’s life will enjoy him at all times? Is that your expectation? I mean, for example, do you require that all of his teachers light up every time he walks in the room? Are they never allowed to find him tiresome or look forward to the end of the day when he goes home? What about his babysitters? His coaches? Oh...you don’t expect these unrelated adults to love every moment with your child? Then why do you assume that I will?”

Then I’d turn it on him:

”While we’re on the subject of grown-ups who don’t like spending time with your son...let’s talk about you, DH. You’ve arranged visitation so that SS is here when you’re not here...which makes it seem to me like you love your free time more than you love your kid. I mean...it kind of seems to me like you’re trying to make me feel guilty for not ALWAYS wanting to be around your kid and sacrifice my free time for him...when you aren’t willing to sacrifice any of yours...and you’re the kid’s dad. Poor SS. One day he’s going to be old enough to realize that his own dad preferred to push him off on his stepmom instead of taking the time for him.” 

Then I’d drop the mike and walk out. Maybe with a quick, over-the-shoulder “Sorry. I have plans tomorrow! Guess you’ll have to find another babysitter.” 

Your DH and his expectations are way out of line. I know you feel beat down right now but you have to get back up and fight for yourself.

This is ridiculous. Your DH is TOTALLY devaluing your opinions, and in all honesty, it almost comes off as abusive. If he doesn't get it, please explain to him the concept of babysitting. When my DH wasn't the most understanding about me not wanting SD while he was at work, I explained it to him. Babysitters get PAID. Babysitters need money. They do the job because they want the paycheque. Taking care of other people's kids is babysitting. 

I told him how much it sucks getting off work, only to have another "job" that you don't even get paid for, because that's exactly what's happening when you're stuck with stepkids when you're not working. It's not fair. It's not ok. Parents need to step up and get babysitters if they need them, because as caring as stepparents can be, we're not looking for another job that doesn't even pay! 

As everyone else said, this is all kinds of messed up. But whether he likes it or not, the every other weekend solution IS the answer, because his schedule doesn't allow for other options without using you as the babysitter. Sorry DH, sometimes you find yourself dealing with a kid when you would rather not! Ironic, isn't it?

I prefer if SS10 is only with us if DH can be there most of the time with him. He says it's not practical,as he works all week and doesn't want to designate his weekends to SS10

Just, wow. Why should you want to spend time with his son when he doesn't even want to? YOU disgust HIM? That's rich.

No way in hell would I be babysitting HIS kid.

He says I don't appreciate how good I have it with SS10.

Haha! Let's talk about who doesn't appreciate what. What a class A jerk.

"So, wait, DH. You don't want to give up your own free time to YOUR OWN CHILD WHO YOU CHOSE TO CREATE AND HAVE RESPONSIBILITY FOR but you expect ME to give up MY free time for him? And then you want to accuse ME of not loving him enough?

Maybe you should look in a mirror. SS shouldn't be idolizing ME. He should be idolizing YOU. That is both your responsibility and your privilege as a parent. If your son is such a burden on YOUR free time, then maybe you should consider giving up custody for your own desires.

And do NOT threaten me with divorce unless you are truly willing to go through with it. Right now, I am considering your offer to leave. Then what are you going to do about your precious free time?"

Say it all calmly, even if tears are streaming. Then walk away. Drive off, go do something, and be silent for the rest of the day. When you come back, go back to doing whatever you were going to do with your evening. If your DH tries to start the argument again:

"DH, there is nothing else to talk about. I love your son, but I am not willing to give up my free time to spend it with him, especially when you don't want to give up yours for your own son. If you want to argue with someone about this, I suggest you find a mirror because my thoughts on this matter are not open to discussion."

Wash, rinse, repeat. If he decides to divorce you over this, then know that he only married you because of what you provided him, not as an equitable partner. Once you stand your ground and he knows you aren't budging, he'll either have to eat his words or act.

I've already commented, but I have so many lingering questions about this situation. 

How long have you een married to your DH? How was the custody arranged before you arrived on the scene? I can't imagine a judge would order visitation during the week when DH is known to be working...he must have had EOWE or some such arrangement, right? When did it switch over to being during the week when he's mostly at work? Were YOU consulted at all about this change...given the fact that you were going to be the one providing care? 

I am so angry at your DH right now...

These kind of posts are always showing up here, and I gotta say, it makes me sad for the kids. I can't imagine ever leaving my son with someone who doesn't want him around. He's the light of my life and I would do anything to make sure he's in the hands of someone who is glad to have him (even if that means they're glad because they're getting a good paycheque). 

I've already told my husband if we're ever divorced, his new girlfriend does NOT have to watch my son. No way in hell will I ever let him be in a situation where he's a hassle or burden to someone. He can drop him off with me, or we'll figure out some type of childcare where the person is adequately paid. Kids don't deserve to be passed around to unwilling participants! That's awful. 

"He gives me solutions, which none I think are ideal-he gives up"

While your post has so much involved in it one thing that stands out to me is this part.

Solutions are only effective if they are implemented. Flawed implementation out performs delayed perfection every time.  A perfect solution can never be implemented because by the time perfection is defined the conditions have changed and the solution is no longer perfect. I have driven significant success in my career and my marriage by assessing situations with limited information, developing then implementing solutions and adjusting as the effort progresses based on changes and unfolding new information.  Waiting rarely solves anything. In my experience at least.

Rather than focus on perfection I suggest that you take  your DH's suggestions, tweak them to fit your experiences and implement. When he starts screaming about it.. tell him that these are the solutions that he suggested. Show him in your planner the date and time of the discussion when he made the suggestion. 

As for the "Oh Joy!" comment.  Just follow it up with "I am going to need a break. We just finished the holidays, it is the new year, and I need a couple of down days with just us before I can have the energy to entertain the kid."

Keep it short, direct and to the point. No need to focus on his interpretation of the comment. Just take it to its logical point. At some point when the tensions have subsided over your "OJ!" comment sit him down. Tell him to just listen for a minute and roll out that you love SS but that he is not your full time child, you need some focus time for you, for the relationship you have with DH and that there needs to be some adjustments to how  you all function when SS is present so that it is not so draining to all of you. Then end your part of the the discussion with "If you are not here to be with him and don't want your time consumed by him what makes you think I want my time consumed with him?  If you are not here, he needs to be with his mom."  Then be ready to adapt scripted predicted questions and responses to whatever it is he responds with. Scripts are great tools.  They rarely are perfect but they tune your brain to respond and can be quickly adapted to deviations from what you forecast his responses will be.

Map the plan, work the plan. Adjust as necessary.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

As a biomom, I need breaks from my kids sometimes. I limit my breaks to when biodad has visitation, EOW, and midweek overnight. The fact that neither DH or BM prioritize time with SS10 speaks volumes! They get tired of him or want alone time, why wouldn’t you?

"He says it's not practical, as he works all week and doesn't want to designate his weekends to SS10 (he wants his own time to do other things as well, not just dote on SS10). "

So he wants you to give up your time for his son but he doesn't want to give his own time?  

I am sorry that you are going through this and even sorrier that you feel that you said something that you shouldn't have.  I have been there myself and I spend so much time beating myself up for what I said that I don't look at the big picture of why I said it to begin with.  You didn't just say it to be mean you were feeling taken advantage of and it slipped out.  You are human and you already took responsibility for it and said you were sorry.  You went on to explain why you said it and it all sounded like valid reasoning.  

BF and Bio-mom are expecting you to raise their child and give time that they aren't willing to  AND be quiet about doing it.  That is a tall order for anyone to fill.  You are not wrong for feeling this way.  Maybe after a little time has passed you could try a sit down with your BF and see if you could talk again and find a solution.  

My DH has pulled lots of these on me. Theres alot of really good suggestions here already but as far as the it makes him sick to think about him being with you when you dont like him...Dh used to claim I was such a bad person he didnt want me around his daughter when he was mad even if it had nothing to do with her. Eventually I said well what does that say about you then if I'm that awful and yet you still are with me, allow her to live with me AND have me watch her on a regular basis? He hasn't said it again since then. They're basically just angry and resentful that they have to do more since they left the kids mom and hope that being with someone new means they will be a replacement mom for their kid and that's just not how it works. 

I've skimmed over all of the great advice but one thing that you might have missed is that your SS is 10.  Out wit your man with his own son.  Plant some seeds of things that SS can do with his dad and put him on to his father with these ideas and let SS whine for attention from his dad.  Take the guilt DH is putting on you and put it back on him coming from the person most likely to benefit from attention from DH:  his own son.   "Go ask your dad"

You can't care more than the bio parent.  If you need another line to throw at DH, then remind him that when he complains about you abandoning SS, you are only following the example he is put out there for you.  You will care only as much as he does, not any more, not any less.  This is holding the mirrior up to his behavior.  

This will get worse before it gets better, and the book Boundaires from Cloud and Townsend will help you define your life from the rest of the family and to see where they need to crossover.  Its cheap on amazon.  (its a bit religious but the the bones are solid guide lines IMO)  Anytime you change the rules, the rule follower will test the limits to see if you mean them.  Mean them, firmly and CONSITENTLY.    Just like a child.  

I was a SAHM for 12 years while my kids were younger. I loved being with them and cherish the time I was able to devote to raising them rather than having someone else do it.  That being said, it created a huge imbalance of power. Even though I was not sleeping regularly for many years due to fussy babies, doing literally all the house and yard work, cooking, cleaning, even a few years of homeschooling, and dealing with all the home finaces and organizational matters I didn't "work" so I was perceived as the lesser partner.  I could go on for hours about how other mothers and my husband would take advantage of me because I didn't "work" and was "just a stay at home mom."  I had women EXPECTING me to watch their kids for free so they could work and make money.  My ex insisted that I forgo my education so he could learn then earn more and make money.  I went along with all of this because I thought I would have my turn after he was done.  NOT! I was used up and left completely penniless with a herd of small children.  Where were all those moms who had taken advantage when I needed help?  No one was there and I was shamed because I had to apply for welfare and legal aid to get child support.  

My point of all this is that you're sacrificing so much for what?  What do you really gain in the end?  You are being used, you don't even get to spend one on one time with DS and I can assure you that DH and BM don't appreciate what you're doing for them but rather expect it.  

I'd advise someone in your situation to do whatever it takes to be completely unavailable to watch ss.  Whether you're off somewhere volunteering with DS or have a part time job.  You need to get busy in some way, set boundaries, and restore your power in this situation.   

To spend time with them on weekends but wants to do hobbies and chill out time. But gives you grief as the stepmum who is not legally obligated or mandated in anyway to be babysitter so he can chill out. 

Newsflash for darling hubby should be when he decided to have kids and get a woman pregnant, the time for chilling out without responsibilities like your single bachelor days have long ended!!