Why Do I have So Much Animosity Towards My SS10?
We have a great relationship. I've known him since he was 5 years old and we hit it off. We have him every other week, his Bio Mom is very much in his life and somewhat in ours (comes with the "co-parenting" territory, I tell myself). He calls me mom, and I treat him as my own. He is the sweetest, kindest, and cutest guy ever, no wonder I fell in love with him. He can be needy, whiny, and lazy at times, but can't any kid? I know I was. But ever since my DS2 was born, I have been having negative feelings towards him, that overtime, I was hoping would go away. It hasn't, and in fact, it's gotten worse. He's still adjusting to having a little brother half the time (they have an 8 year gap) but I think their relationship is pretty good and their treatment of eachother is on par with any normal sibling relationship (one minute they're fighting, the next they're loving eachother again).
It's making me sick to my stomach and I feel like a terrible person for having these disgusting feelings about SS10. When he calls his dad (DH) while he's away with his mom, I say hello and then go to another room so I don't have to talk to him. The whole entire time he's on the phone with DH, my stomach is in knots and I feel very anxious, waiting for him to finish the call. I catch myself thinking about how much he annoys me and how I would love if he was with his mother full time. I hate hearing about all the fun things he does with his bio mom and her boyfriend during their week. I am not happy when it's time for him to come back to us. I try to hide the annoyance with him (this has been getting harder and harder to do) when he's here, but sometimes it just comes out and I get very irritated at him for the smallest things. Then I feel terrible all over again. He's not even doing anything wrong, which is why I feel so guilty about feeling the way I do. Am I just a shitty person (this is very possible)? I don't want to leave my marriage but I think I am going to lose my mind fighting these feelings.
Just want some advice, perspective, honest opinions on this. Thanks!
Because you don't have the
Because you don't have the bond with him that you do with your own child. Stepparenting is not natural, the majority of stepparents cannot love their skids like they do their own - you just didn't realize that until you had your own. Whereas before he seemed like part of your family, now your family is you, your DH and your son.
You do have to figure this out, though - can't live this way long-term. It will affect everything, including your marriage. You will have to figure out how to accept him being there.
Thank You For Validating My Feelings
I agree, I cannot live like this long term. Thanks for the insight!
I agree with Tog on this.
I agree with Tog on this. You wrote about feeling uncomfortable when he is there or on the phone. I think that is a big part of it. The Skid is kind of an interloper in your home. You had no say in this kid's existence or in the way he was raised before you came in the picture. It can be a hard thing to adjust too. My own SD is a good kid for the most part. But, she is a constant reminder of her mom, a woman who I loathe. She has some behaviors that go strongly against how I feel a child should be raised. These behaviors were allowed and encouraged so I have had no success in changing them. Also, it just isnt as easy to look the other way from behaviors when it isnt your bio.
The key is to learn to focus on the positives. My SD lives with us full-time except for a few weeks a year. That is difficult, but I deal with it by taking time for myself and encouraging DH to spend one on one time with her. I realize that she is a major part of DH's life and so I work very hard to treat her well. In the end, the skid didn't ask to live in your home and he didn't choose you either. Hopefully, you can find a way to come to terms with him living there. Otherwise, he will eventually notice your animosity and so will your DH. That is when you will really have problems.
I Have A Similar Experience!
Thanks for your response and the much need advice. I could've literally wrote what you wrote here in the first paragraph but loathing SS10's bio mom (AKA the ex-wife) and being irriated with SS10 picking up horrible habits when he's with her because she doesn't parent the same way I do.
Unfortunately, I know DH has noticed the animosity and pretty sure SS10 is starting to see it too. DH has confronted me about it and when I tell him how I feel, he seems to get really offended that I don't "love our son". THEN I feel guilty again and try to do better for everyone, which then I blow up from resentment and it's a vicious cycle. The other solution he throws at me is for him to give full custody to the ex-wife, which of course, I automatically reject for fear that everyone will see me as the evil stepmom that cast away the stepchild. =/
Because nothing compares to
Because nothing compares to the bond people have with their own kids. It's no where near the same. People just don't realize how strong that bond is and how naturally lacking the step parent bond is until they have a child of their own. He is also in competiton for your child now for affection, attention, everything...... which adds to the annoyance and irritation of him being around. Blended families just are not natural.
Thank You For This Insight and Validation!
I do see SS10 feels like he's in competition with his little brother even though we have constantly told him that there is no competition between the two. I understand that's hard to believe, and I do my best to not make it obvious that I love my biological child in a different way than I love him. I have tried to explain the difference in love but I don't know if he even cares or wants to understand. I agree, and now know that blended families are not natural at all and take lots of work!
You're not alone. I also have
You're not alone. I also have a 2yo DS and a SS9. I don't like him. I don't want him around DS. I hate when DH is on the phone with him too. This is natural. It doesn't get easier. I cannot wait til visitation is over. We are long distance, so that makes things easier. I would detach from your SS and let your DH take care of him. Focus on yourself, your own child and your husband. Don't try to create a happy blended family.
Living the Same Lives
Thank you for your input and advice. I love that you say not to try to create a happy blended family, as all the effort I'm putting into this family is tearing me apart. Now, finding a way to detach/disengage without hurting anymore feelings would be great!
I get all of your feelings. I
I get all of your feelings. I feel the same about SS12. He's a good kid. He can be thoughtful and does what I ask. He's not a bad kid at all. But I find myself wanting to be away from him, resenting him during the times he always has to be around my SO (it's not always, goes in spurts). When I'm in the kitchen with my SO and he comes in just to stand around and try to be part of the conversation I find myself gritting my teeth so I don't say anything and basically ignoring him. I don't know why, but I can't seem to stop it. I feel horrible and sometimes think I must be a terrible person also. It's a really confusing feeling.
I experienced similar
I experienced similar revulsion toward SS not long after my bride and I started dating. And I have no BKs.
After some introspection I call this an Animal Planet reaction. When a new male lion takes over a pride he kills all of the young offspring of his predecessor to accomplish two things. That puts all of the breeding age females into estrus and it eliminates the competition for resources between his future spawn and the last guys spawn. I was actually working through addressing my own behaviors and thoughts on how I was interfacing with my then GF's less than 2yo son when this burned into my brain while watching that Lion special on Animal Planet.
This is a pure mammalian biological reaction IMHO. Fortunately we are human and have the benefit of intellect to drive our actions. So, I made adjustments, took the actions of love towards the little guy, put him on his shoulders while the three of of were out together, chased ducks around the golf course with him, chased him through McD's play scapes, etc.. and not to long of a time I grew to love him. The actions of love drove the feelings. It started with me kicking my own butt to jar my head loose from my own ass and engage my brain. 24+ years later, I have adopted my SS-26, his mom and I are happy, the three of us are very close... and it is looking good so far.
Engage your brain to counter your mammalian parental rejection of your Skid. It has worked for me.
I Agree It Is A Mammalian Parental Rejection
Hi, thanks for taking the time to write.
My difference in experience is that my revulsion for SS did not start until after DS was born. Before that, I was more than OK with being a parental figure in SS's life (for almost 3 years). I was hoping this was just some hormonal or biological reaction from DS being born, and figured time will make things right again. It's been two years since DS was born and my resentment and annoyance of him seems to be getting worse instead of better.
When he is with us, I do everything I can to show him that he is a loved member of the family and no different than his little brother. But I can't fight these awful feelings anymore. They don't seem to be going away anytime soon.
In my layman’s opinion I
In my layman’s opinion I would say that what you are experiencing is very similar. The arrival of your own child likely keyed the mammalian rejection of your SKid.
As with just about any situation in the Blended Family world there is rarely an easy button solution.
I am sorry you are struggling for so long and so intensely with this.