Fight to be in SD's life?
I am having an issue with my SD's bm. Every year my SD (11) is involved in a dance class after school. SD lives about an hour away from us, so bm is the one who enrolls her in it. Every year at the end of the school year the studio puts on a big dance production for all of the friends and family. It is a pretty big deal. Her Dad and I usually just end up going to the show and give her a hug and kiss at the end and leave. This year, however, the recital falls on her weekend with us. BM called and asked if we wanted to switch her weekends or if we could commit to having her there that weekend. (out of town). We told her that we were going to take care of her. My husband told her to make sure that she had her costume when she dropped her off and we would make sure that she got to her show on time and get her ready, etc. At that point bm threw a fit and said that we should drop sd off at her house so that she could get her ready and that we could just see her after the show. My husband told her that it was our weekend with sd and that we wanted the resposibility. I was thrilled to help her get dressed up and do her "show" makeup. We are torn right now because we never get to be apart of things like this for her and we were so excited. Her bm made the comment that we should enroll her in something, and then we could take her. My husband about lost it because we only get her every other weekend and four weeks in the summer (split up, not at once) so we don't get the opportunity to do stuff like this with her. Part of me wants to tell her too bad, but I also understand that she probably wants her bm there too. Any advise? Are we being selfish to tell her bm "no, its our weekend, therefore our responsibility"?
This is hard one...
Part of me wants say you should ask SD what she wants as it is her one big day of her dance year but that kind of contradicts my predicament where my almost 11yo SS gets asked to make all the decisions and he should just do as he is told because he's a kid.
But since it is your weekend it would be nice for you to get her ready and meet BM once there but perhaps half hour early so BM and SD get to interact before the show? Just an idea, hope it works out for you.
Catch xx
We've been through the same thing.
Replace "big dance production" with "big cello recital" and you just described what we went through with BM at the end of the school year last year. SD's recital landed on our weekend and of course we were just planning to get her there as it was OUR responsibility on OUR time. Well, BM doesn't know how to share and hated - I mean HATED - the idea of me getting SD all dolled up for her big day instead of her. She is so threatened by me, it's sick.
We went back and forth about this for a month and BM would NOT give in. She insisted that we bring SD back to her house on Sunday morning to practice and get ready and we insisted that it was our court-ordered time and that we would see her at the concert hall before the recital. It was still unresolved as of that Friday night when we came to pick up SD. BM came to the car with her father and SD and basically refused to let us take SD while her father is spouting off "legal reasons" why we should comply with BM. He said that SD needed to practice her cello and that they couldn't let us take the cello with us because we couldn't be trusted and they would be held financially responsible for it if something happened to it. He tried to make the argument that we didn't have SD's best interests in mind because we didn't want SD to practice before the recital. How's that for logic? It was just ridiculous. Anything to make us out to be the bad guys. And all this went on in front of SD who was 10 at the time, by the way.
So, we had no choice - we drove 45 minutes that Sunday morning to take SD to BM's, we hung around for 3 hours with our infant daughter until it was time to go to the concert, and we cheered her on with smiles on our faces and deep sadness in our hearts. It is so depressing when someone so vindictive holds so much power over you and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Come to find out, SD didn't even practice the cello at home beforehand! She and BM went to the salon to have her hair straightened! The whole practicing thing was a ruse. She practiced at the concert hall but didn't pick up the darn cello even once at home.
That said, I wouldn't have changed our decision to fight for SD. We're still fighting for SD and after many many many hours of family therapy, we *may* be making some progress with BM. It's a long hard uphill battle, but somehow I've learned to let all of BM's crap roll off my back whereas before it would just destroy me. Don't give up!
And to answer your question - no, you are NOT being selfish! You are trying to assert a father's right to be involved with his child! Don't let a jealous, insecure BM make you think otherwise! She is the one being selfish. She gets to be with their daughter 85% of the time and she can't even let you guys have an afternoon of primping for a dance recital?! I like Catch's idea of a compromise. Maybe if you arrive early for the show, they can have some special mother/daughter time together. It sounds like Mommy Dearest doesn't know how to let go and this would be a good way to wean her a little. Maybe if you save the makeup part for them to do together, and you can do hair and clothes at your house? Just a thought.
As for enrolling SD in something on your time - it is possible. We just started SD in horseback riding lessons and she just goes every other Saturday. We actually found 2 other girls that were interested in every other week as well, so she won't get behind in the group lessons. I don't know what your SD is interested in, but there could be something that's flexible enough like these riding lessons. I used to teach French and there were 2 kids that came with their Dad on their every other weekend schedule and yes, it was hard because the other kids were there every week, but pretty much all the kids were at different levels so I had them all working on different things anyway. I hope this helps!