First time - Please Help: BM coaching SD to say mean things about me
Last night I told DH that I can't help it but I am beginning to dislike SD10. It may not have been a good way to put it but I was exasperated, and didn't really know what to say. He was silent for a long time and then he was angry.
SD10 has begun to say unkind things to me and about me. Things like 'you're no good at this' or 'mum would have done it better' or saying I'm not allowed to go to her school play with her father. BM is coaching/supporting these comments. We've never met because she refuses to meet me, and she doesn't want me around at all as she's still in love with DH. DH has made it clear he doesn't want to be with her and she should move on.
I have no doubt SD10 likes me, as does her little sister SD6, but she says these things and I am starting to find it hard to warm to her. DH is so angry I feel that way as he says 'she's just a 10 year old girl'. Which she is, and I have some understanding it must be tough for her but at the same time it just doesn't seem right to accept that kind of behavior.
Also DH thinks everything will be fine in a year or so when BM eventually accepts our relationship - but I'm not too sure. She is very immature, extremely difficult to parent with, petty, all those things and I can't see that this is radically going to change. She is hurting her children by saying bad things about their dad that is not true and coaching them to be 'loyal' to her by encouraging them to say mean things about me.
Please help - am I wrong, should I be more patient with SD10? Should i just wait patiently and see if things get better in a year and then bring it up, or should I ask/require more action on the part of DH - but what...?
I am sorry but a ten year old
I am sorry but a ten year old knows when something they do hurts someone else. Yes she may be getting coaching from BM which makes her confused and mad because she loves her mom and wants to do what her mom says. However I personally think that your DH needs to step up. He has to have a talk with his daughter and tell her that yes she may not like it but her mom and dad had differences and couldn't be happy together, but now he has found someone that can make him happy and that she has to show you respect just like every other adult deserves respect. A ten year old knows what she is doing and if it isnt addressed at this age good luck with teen years. Being a guilty dad is not doing his daughter any favors and making excuses for behavior at that age isn't either.
I agree with this, and would
I agree with this, and would add that he should tell he
r that in the future, if she is having problems with this situation, she can come talk to him instead of being mean to you.
I like these responses!! You
I like these responses!! You have to protect yourself from becoming a door mat.
Tell your hubby about MY
Tell your hubby about MY story. When (future) DH and I started dating, he told me that the mother of his kids was "crazy" as a warning. I figured she'd "get over it" and come to "accept our relationship" over time.
Fast forward, 12 years later. We've been married for 10 years, PB just FINALLY got pregnant again (this time to a guy who DID marry her!) last year. SD is 18, mother of an 18 year old and completely PASed out by her bitch of a mother. SS17 is starting to show the nasty signs as well.
PB has NEVER come to accept our relationship and has RARELY slowed down in her vindictive pursuit of her own idea of justice since how DARE DH find someone SANE! How DARE he get MARRIED to the sane woman?!? Doesn't he know that SHE is the MOM and in complete CONTROL because she has had HIS kids?!? How DARE he buy a house with HER (DH refused to buy a house with PB) instead of the MOTHER OF THE CHILDREN (TM)?!?
SHE STILL TRIES THIS THAT AND THE OTHER VINDICTIVE STUNT TO PUNISH DH FOR FINDING ME WHILE THEY WERE BROKEN UP. Even though she is supposedly "over the moon" about her hubby and new baby.
MORAL OF THE STORY: You can't cure crazy just by letting time pass.
What I have done with my
What I have done with my Skids when they have done this to me is simply tell them that I am not Mom or Dad. I do things my way. You may not like my way, but everyone has their own way to do things. It does not make then wrong or right, just different. Mom teaches you her ways. I can teach you different things that Mom can not...
Keep in mind that ANYTHING
Keep in mind that ANYTHING you say to the BM WILL be used against you!!! DH is VERY wrong to think that things will eventually smooth over. That's called the "ostrich" approach. If he just looks the other way and keeps whistling, then the two women in his life (yes the ex never goes away when there are children involved) will fight it out amongst themselves and he won't have to do a thing about it.
I'd be very careful with biodad as he placing his head up his netherquarters to ignore this and hope it all works out. That is one of the major signs of guilty daddy. Taking the least line of resistance.
RUN if you have a legitimate gripe against the BM and biodad says: "I don't want to make waves with the BM as it will affect the chillllldreeeeen"
I have experienced this first
I have experienced this first hand. My DH suffers from the "ostrich" approcah so that he did not "cause any waves". My SD14 is coached by her mother to say the nastiest things to me. BM is a pill popper, and half of the time she does not even know what she is saying. Often times she confuses SD14 for a friend instead of her own child, and speaks to her the same as well. Me and SD14 used to have a great relationship, and then BM got jealous and in her own kniving way made certain that SD14 hated me. She did this because she felt threatened by me. Of course, my DH did NOTHING to stop any of this from happening. SD14 was allowed to do any damn thing she pleased...which included contacting my DH's second ex-wife, and all of his former girlfriends to tell them how much she hated me. I never did anything to her other than to treat her as a friend. It's a shame. Now me and DH are separated...and he is dealing with SD14 and BMdrama on his own. Nothing good ever comes from "sweeping everything under the rug" and "allowing SD14 to have mini-wife status" as if she was a clone of her mother.
I hope things get better for you.....
Honestly, I don't think the
Honestly, I don't think the situation will get better unless your DH deals with it...
My SD did these same things, but instead of my DH saying it'll just magically get better, he dealt with SD. When she just couldn't stop saying hurtful and mean things to us from what BM was saying, he instituted a rule of don't say anything about your mom...PERIOD...nothing...She tested him a few times and got a swift pop to the behind...so she got it...and stopped...
I honestly tried the whole being the bigger person and trying to turn her comments into something positive...It just didn't work...and honestly...I started to NOT like her...
It took DH to look at thinks honestly and because the mean words weren't directed to me only (they were to him, too) it gave him even more incentive to deal with it...
It's not going to just get better...It's going to get worse if anything if it's not dealt with...
yeah my bm coaches the
yeah my bm coaches the skids .... and now they hate me, their father...(demanding he take them places and to bring his wallet but not me nor their step children) they hate their fathers parents and the fathers family....
So....tell the DH to sort it out now....or it will only get worse...beyond fixing ....
Agree with all of the above.
Agree with all of the above. My DW and her ex (my SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy) have been divorced over 12 years, and he is STILL at it. AND HE"S THE ONE THAT LEFT HER! You just have to accept the fact that some people are mean, spiteful, or crazay, and will never come to accept your new relationship. If you have the distinct displeasure of dealing with assholes like this, the best approach is to simply ignore them. SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy still has never spoken one word to me in the 12 years I have been married to DW - since I am a step parent, I "don't count," and am therefore beneath his notice.
However, as much as you shold ignore the ex-spouse, you CAN NOT tolerate disrespect from your skid in your own house. If you have an unsupportive spouse like I do, the skid will be given free reign to do as they please. This leaves you with two choices:
1. Fight tooth-and-nail with your spouse to force them to stand up for you, or
2. Disengage.
I selected option 2, and my life has been much simpler and happier for it. Since I don't acknowledge SD17, and she doesn't acknowledge me, we don't have the issues of disrespect or active antagonism. We just ignore each other. Some folks on here have success in getting their spouse to stick up for them, but this is the exception. Most of the spouses described here are "guilty" friend-parent types, who will avoid conflict at all costs.
Deal w/ it now; make DH do
Deal w/ it now; make DH do something before it's too late - BELIEVE me - it will get worse. My princess SD14 got my Bestfriend and I to fight due to all her LIES.....Bfriend bought SD line of crap for awhile. I had to call SD out on it and I told her I knew everything and that I didn't appreciate her lies or her mouth! I know confronting the situation is hard but if you don't - it makes these kids think they can walk all over you.