Frustrated and helpless
I am having a really hard time letting go of anger and frustration regarding my SD's BM. I have been married for nine years and have a BS a little older than my SD. The kids get along beautifully. Things have been fine all of this time, though occasionally we've had run-ins with BM over vacations, petty issues, and minor annoyances. BM is civil until something doesn't go her way and then she is a bobcat.
This last year, BM became angry when my DH refused to pay for a summer camp. BM gets $900 a month in child support and very little of it goes toward SD. BM has a new car every 18 mos, new boats, ski-doos, etc. She is a stay at home mom now. Because of the camp issue, BM has taken DH back to court for increased CS, which she'll get I'm sure. We knew this would happen eventually, but I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the intrusion on our lives. Because my DH and BM were divorced before I met him, I didn't have to deal with any legal issues. Now we have lawyers everywhere and I can see the stress on my DH. It's all so very disconcerting. This time, it feels so personal and I find myself dwelling on it way too much. This was clearly a way to punish DH for not ponying up more cash when she wanted him to. Sometimes I really wish her harm, and I don't like that feeling that way.
To complicate things, this summer, my SD12 decided she wants to come live with us. We were thrilled, of course, and have known for a long time that SD is lonely at home (all she does there is watch tv - very little interaction. BM of course said no (we think it's because she wants the CS and I'm sure she thinks we planted the idea in SD's mind because of the CS, which just isn't the case.) BM is not a great mom, but certainly isn't likely to lose custody in court. It just really hurts all of our feelings that she can't come live here (they live about 20 miles away) since it's what SD wants. We kind of live for our kids here, and at BM's house it's all about BM.
I'm rambling now, but mainly I am looking for help on how to deal with these negative feelings. My ex lives 1000 miles away so our interaction is not so constant. Now that I know what it feels like to have someone mess with your life like this I can't imagine ever doing it to my ex and his spouse, even though they drive me nuts too. I just want BM to go far away. Far, far away.
Suggestions?
I hate to tell you....
But they NEVER go away.... and they NEVER die either (jk)....
I don't know that I can offer you much advice but I can offer understanding.... I'd love it if my dh's ex would take a flying leap.... I'm sorry for what you are going through, as long as you and dh stick together and present a united front things will get better.
nice to hear
It's just comforting to know someone understands. DH and I are fine, I just need to find something to do with this hostility toward his ex! Thanks for the kind words...
Same here....
I'm always having "fantasies" of bad things happening to BM. And I am not that kind of person - but I, too, have horrible thoughts. I think it's normal for all of us because we do get sooooo frustrated. Chocoholic is right. They never go away. Mine has yet to lighten up and when she does, it is only a matter of time before something else gets her all fired up again. BMs grow accustomed to the $ and it stops being about what is best for the children and more about how will this affect my child support? Whether it be to demand more time for more $ or to deny more time for the other parent because they don't want the pay cut. I know just how you feel. My BM is taking us to court for more $ but when she found that under the current order for parenting time that she is overpaid, she filed a motion to decrease DHs parenting time and increase her time and her CS. What does she have to lose? Nothing.
Unfortunately their mediocracy isn't grounds for sole custody, either. In your case she's 12, she's mature enough to at least have a say in where she lives. Or maybe some extra time on your part. If you're going to court anyways, why not try?
Anyways, as far as not feeling such negative feelings towards her, it's hard. Don't let her dictate your life, though. I know how hard it is not to dwell on it. When I first found this site, everyone told me I needed some "me" time. It worked wonders, taking a step back and rejuvenating myself and my health makes me ready for the next "battle".
Good luck!
court
We were willing to go to court to push for SD to live here, but BM and her husband bullied the poor girl into dropping it. I know that was a huge disappointment for all of us (including my son, who really wanted her to come). I just don't know if SD is strong enough to speak to attorneys, judges, etc., and we don't want her to be damaged any more than she already is.
I like what you said - mediocracy is the perfect word for SD's life. It makes me really sad, but we are helpless when it comes to that.
I'll shake it off, I'm sure, but it sure is tough this time! Thanks for the kind words, it really helps to know others are going through this too.
Amen!
Amen, my friend, amen.....
I bought a heavybag and boxing gloves.
It always helps me...lol. I can't tell you how many times BM has gotten her a** kicked by proxy
It really does help relieve stress, and it is a good work out to boot. It can also work when kids are driving you bonkers, dh is being a jerk, and any of the other little nuisances life likes to throw at ya!
the BM We Deal With
Does live far far away but she hasn't fell of the planet
There is not a place far far away enough for this biatch!
Same situation here.
My SS and I have had some dramas but after a 5 month break when he refused to come here, he seems to understand now that just because we discipline him doesn't mean we don't love him.
After just 2 day visits SS decides he wants to come live here why? Not because she is a bad mother but he is sick of all the degrading of his dad and because he is left at home all the time alone, at age 11 to fend for himself. All he has there is Tv and Video games and no humans to interact with. you hit in on the head when you said We kind of live for our kids here, and at BM's house it's all about BM. That is exactly the same here, he loves how we spend time all the time with all 3 kids and we joke and muck around all the time with the kids.
And I also know she wouldn't allow him to live here because she will never pay us CS and she would be looked down on in her social circle for "giving her kid to his dad" she is only a mum when it looks good for her. I wish SS had the courage to stand up to her and tell her this is what he wants, but she will guilt trip him and make him stay but for all the wrong reasons. My BS's also want him here and we know it would be better for him, but just try getting her to think solely of him and not herself. That would mean to her that DH had won her stupid war. Know where you are coming from but can't help my SS so i have no wisdom for you, except do what I do and just go with the flow, she says no, we say no worries ok and then try not to think about it, if we do it just makes us think bad things about her.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*