I'm sure the rest of the StepTalkers will say this is really a GF problem and it is.  You could have a serious discussion with your GF and express your concerns but, long story short, these patterns don't usually change.  If she's 12 now, just imagine how the next few years will go.  'I'm sorry.

If this child doesn't learn how to cope with disappointment and the word "no," how will she ever make it through school? Hold a job? Sustain an adult relationship? 12-year-old girls are no fun anyway, but an out of control one just gets older and more demanding.

How is she at school? Does she have friends? Is she bossy and demanding with them too?

Sadly, this is a problem created and perpetuated by your girlfriend.  You often see it, kids being trained into being little dictators through having no discipline or boundaries set by their bio parent.  You could try having a come-to-Jesus sit down with your girlfriend, but I don't really see her wanting to change.  My advice would be don't move in and think very carefully about what you can and can't tolerate.  

In my situation it didn't get better. I met my SKs when they were 12 and 13.  I wasn't paying attention I guess and didn't see all the red flags. After I moved in I saw that they were spoiled and got everything they wanted. They don't even stay with us anymore but are still a problem. My SO will not change how he is with them no matter how bad it is. I want nothing to do with his kids now and have to consider leaving. 

Unfortunately... I don't think it will get better unless mom wants to put in a serious effort to change her parenting... and even then, at 12, the die may be cast a bit too firmly with the child already.

The last thing you would want is for her to start parenting but do it in a way like "Oh.. honey.,.. you can't have that.. bob thinks you are too spoiled.."  "baby, please let's keep the room clean so bob doesn't get angry"..

aka throwing you under the bus as the reason that she has gotten firm with the girl.. which would only breed resentment.

In the end.. it's been 18 months.. this is enough time to have a window to what she is like and how life with her and her daughter would be like.  It's ok to say.. "you know what mary, you are a nice woman but I don't see a long term future for us, so let's part on good terms".

If she presses, you can be honest.  "I have tried to bring the subject up many times.  The way you are parenting your daughter is a problem for me.  Even your own family points out how spoiled she is by you.    I know you must feel some guilt for your child not having an active father in her life, but letting her call all the shots and getting her own way all the time is not healthy for her and she is not a pleasant child to be around because of it.  Since this seems like a pattern that is deeply set already and you aren't at all open to discussing any of it, I need to move on."

A child with no rules who calls all the shots with out ever being told no is a huge problem.. The problem is how the mother raised the child. She didn't parent. She was a friend to the kid and let the kid be in charge. Unfortunately this only causes issues and the child will be a nightmare to live with.

They won't likely succeed in school. This also creates a problem because the more lazy or spoiled or entitled they are the less likely they are going to "launch" when they are older from the home which means they are living at home well into their adult years..... It's a very hard life so choose wisely. 

Think about things. Think about the life you envision for yourself. I think you already know the answer because when you look around you see how other kids are able to be raised and what kind of manners they can have but your gf doesn't want to do that kind of parenting. She also doesnt want to admit she's doing anything wrong or change anything... 

Picking what's to.eat.  Only chicken. No red or green thing in the food.  What places to go. Never happy it's the GF problem.  No man will take too much of this.  Kids have control of the home.   Discuss this with GF. let her know how strongly you feel about a kid controlling life.  Her choice to change thing [ not likely] or tine for exit plan.  If kid feels she is winning, as you lost the war. your life will be hell 

Read around on here and you will start to see that your story, while different in flavor, is much the same as many on here. You have positive experience enough to know what is wrong is WRONG.

Im in Camp GTFO. Run far and fast, and dont look back. Take this as a great learning experience for you to know the yellow and red flags:

1. Constant clinging (calls/texts) 

2. Constant need for attention and to be the center of the universe

3. Acts like an infant with temper tantrums, acts younger than her age

4. GF parents out of guilt, doesnt have boundaries or rules or standards of behavior.

This doesnt get better over time, it gets much much worse. There are folks on here who have gotten really stuck through pregnancy, and just throw up there hands and say "well this sucks, but I dont want to leave my bio behind". So if you are not ready to leave, make certain there is some level of BC. Do not get stuck. 

ALSO, you can try to tell GreatGF the reasons, but keep in mind she has the bio mother love goggles on and no type of presentation you make, no matter the level of detail, will change her mind and "make her see" (read around here...)

Good luck and keep us posted!

#throwthisoneback

#guiltyparentingdoesntwork

I've been in the game for almost three decades. It doesn't get better at all. In fact it gets worse. These coddled infantilized brats do not meet milestones when their peers do, so don't make the mistake of waiting it out until Poopsie is 18 or that she'll get a love interest or friends when she's a teenager. These kids don't get driver's licences, move out, get jobs or anything else that their peers do during the normal age ranges. They don't learn home skills, so they won't even contribute to normal day to day cleaning. Not even so much as bringing their supper dish to the counter. My SD is 25 and still does jack shit. 

The problem is your SO. There's a deep psychological issue that drives HER need to infantilize and spoil her kid. SHE is the one who needs therapy. SHE is the one who needs to know that something is wrong and SHE needs to be the one to actually WANT to change things and to remain steadfast in the tantrums, etc. and soldier through the blowback your SD would give should your SO change things. Only, these parents don't have a problem. It is us SParents who do. If the bio parents don't see a problem, they'll maybe change a couple of things for a few days to buy time with us so we don't dump their asses, but they don't truly believe there's a problem, so they won't make any lasting changes. They will fight tooth and nail to keep the status quo and as Poopsie grows older, she'll become more cunning in how she can run the show and commandeer Mummeeeee. If you do manage to get her the fuck out of the house when she's 27, she'll manage to ramp up the enmeshement/obsession/dependency between her and Mummeeee (in my case, Dadddeeeee) and it'll be even worse than when she still lived with you. 

Ask me how I know.

No, this is not salvageable. The 100% attention onto Poopsie never ends. She'll grow up like that and it'll get worse.

They're both fucked in the head.

Run fast and run far. 

Most likely ...... You're wasting your time 

It will be an uphill battle and 89% of your energy will be spent arguing with this woman about having some structure and boundaries for her spawn 

When it comes to parenting you absolutely need to be on the same page (or close to it) ... even moreso in a blended family where you will have less patience for someone else's kids bad behavior when it negatively impacts your life 

Run.........

Hi Bunj17. Your GF's daughter sounds a lot like my stepson when I first started dating my husband. And like you, I've always gotten along with kids, and am very close to my nephews (who actually don't even mind hanging out with old auntie!). I'm finding that a kid/person prone to jealousy doesn't ever get over it. It's fueled by some very primordial forces. It might also stem from a personality disorder (I've been reading up on parenting a kid/teen with borderline personality disorder). Obviously, you can't just "get over" mental illness. Another thing I learned: if you are ever nice to some with an entitled personaiity, they will always expect you to be nice. If one day you ever decide to get in the way of her entitlement, you will become the enemy. One can go from being a neutral person to a helpful person or enemy to someone entitled, but one can never go from being a helpful person or enemy to being neutral again. And if you remain a helpful person, then she will treat you like an appliance - take you for granted, and will only notice if you stop being useful, which would cause you to become an enemy. I'm learning to manage living part time with an antaagonistic person, but It's a very unsatisfying role to play in a family.

To control her life.  She accepts this and is going along with it.  You either allow this child control your life, or it's going to be hell for you.  Power play on DD part.  You are not going to win this one. Either GTFO. or be a step on ATM.  you are paying for dinner but I pick it.  You are paying for vacation but I pick where we are going.  GF already is along for the ride 

The toxic I'll parent failed family spawn is a permanent fixture in any relationship with this woman.  This will never end and the odds of improvement are slim and none at best.  I'll raised, coddled, guilt parented CODs become demanding entitled cling-on mini-spouse adult spawn.

Save yourself.  

Good move. So what is your GF doing during this break to change the dynamic? If nothing changes, nothing changes.

A spoiled 12 year old turnes into a spoiled 17 year old who turns into a narcissistic 23 year old. Read the Adult Steps forum and you'll get a glimpse of what's ahead. 

Good for you for taking action. You deserve better. Best of luck and keep us posted.