show your ss even if he is not with it that you care and go with your husband to see him. What if it happens again and you never went to see him and he suddenly has adverse effects and passes away. I too understand and would be very uncomfortable but if you love his son you will go and visit him often with your husband. Not only are you showing your ss you care but you are giving your husband your support. I am sure deep down he does feel like you do not care and probably does not feel you care about him as well. Be supportive go spend time with him and visit that son.. That is a tragic story for someone so young..
Reverse it.. Lets say he is your son and lives with his dad and this tragedy happened and your husband would not go see him with you because he was at your ex's house.. how would you feel and take that?

Let me start off by saying that I am sooooo very sorry for the tragedy that has stricken your family! I cannot imagine how hard this situation must be for all of you and you are all justified in dealing with it the best way you know how…the only thing I would say is this…If you can find a piece of you, even if it is a microscopic piece, that can grin and bear being in her house, look for that speck and go with your husband to support his son’s recovery. This is definitely a fork in the road moment and how you all proceed from here will make or break your marriage…I really believe that with all my heart! In 15-20 years you will be able to look back at the choices you made in this moment as something that strengthened your bond or weakened it. If he (your husband) needs/wants you there with him and she allows you there, go from time to time….if she doesn’t allow you there, then at least you tried and the “blame” is not on you. My heart goes out to you….

Make a GREAT Day!

I had a situation back when my stepson was 5. My husband and I had just gotten married and biomom had gotten married just two months prior, when biomom's husband died. He was only 31. He went into the hospital for a biopsy on his lung and he never came out. We didn't have custody of stepson at this point but he was staying with us while biomom dealt with the whole situation. My husband and I had to take stepson to biomom's apartment for her to tell him what had happened. I went in with them and sat there on biomom's couch. It was very, very uncomfortable but I did it. I can still remember how stepson's whole body jumped when his mom said the word "died". It was horrible! Stepson hadn't had time to bond with his stepdad since the whole relationship from start to finish was only 7 months but still he treated stepson nice.
So, I would go an visit. Maybe not every time but I would go.

Dawn

My stepbrother got cancer when he was in high school and, at one point, was given six months to live. He ended up doing some crazy new radiation thing across country and that, along with chemo and surgery, probably saved his life. He is more than 10 years cancer-free today. But the point is that my mother, stepfather and my brother's biological mother went through over a year of going in and out of hospitals, back and forth to doctor's offices, a barrage of different treatments, being sick from the chemo, being addicted to the morphine, then having to be weaned off of the pain meds. It was a total nightmare. I know it was uncomfortable for my mom to watch her husband and his ex-wife commiserating together over their son's possible death. It was a very bonding experience for them. But my mom was there every step of the way, no matter how much it hurt her to see them getting so close. She helped the ex-wife, she helped my brother and she helped my stepdad in whatever ways she could. A funny thing happened... she found that the FOUR of them were bonded together by that experience. She has a very close relationship with my stepbrother as a result, because of everything she went through while he was sick. And her later developing breast cancer gave them another common bond. My mom also developed a great friendship with the ex, who did truly appreciate everything my mom, the stepmom, did for her child and also for her. My stepdad acknowledges that he couldn't have gotten through the experience without her. So it can be defining moment in your relationships with all three... your stepchild, your husband and the child's mother. Janice is right, mom has bigger things to worry about than your presence or lack thereof, but if you dig deep and reach out to offer whatever support you can to all three, it could go a long way towards really enriching your relationships with all of them.

~ Anne ~

I can understand not wanting to step on BM's toes, too. But, if you think that everyone can be civil, it would be great if you could go along with your husband to visit sometimes. I'm sure your SS would love seeing you there.