To Go or Not to Go, That is the Question...
My DH's ex has invited him to come to his son's Christmas program at school. He asked me to go with him. I asked him if I was invited by BM. He said no but he wanted me to come with him. I love my 6 year old SS and have a really good relationship with him and would love to see him in the Christmas program, however... I wasn't invited by BM and she hates me because DH is not with her and the feeling is quite mutual and this has made for a very bumpy rollercoaster ride in the last 6 years. For me it's not about her, it's all about supporting my SS and honoring my DH request for me to attend even though she probably will NOT want me there. I really don't give a crap what she thinks if I attend but I just don't want there to be any drama or fallout afterwards between my DH and the bitch ass BM if I attend because any little thing sends her wacky ass into a tailspin with BM drama to follow. I know my SS will be tickled pink to know that I came to see him in his little program. And again, it's about supporting him more than anything.
So fellow stepmoms, do I go or not go to my SS's Christmas program this evening?
Of course, go.............I'm
Of course, go.............I'm sure your DH knows there may be fallout from this but he wants you to go anyway. Most DH's would leave you behind just to avoid the drama or pissing off BM. Appreciate the fact he wants you there and of course your SS would love it!
My SD had a Christmas program last night and my DH went. He wanted me to go but I've already done that with my kids (but I do go to one per year for his kids) and his kids never even thank me for going or acknowledge my presence because they are too busy falling all over BM. And of course she eats it up!
So enjoy it!
Thanks and yes my DH is
Thanks and yes my DH is fearful that there will be fallout from bitch ass but he wanted me to go not and not leave me out or hurt me despite how BM will feel or react. I appreciate that.
I couldn't agree more with
I couldn't agree more with you 'Tog'. My expert advise on how to deal with school functions and school arrangements and his rights as a parent often go unheard by my DH and he does allow her to dictate way too much concerning school functions because he won't do what I've suggested he do--make himself known and visible at his son's school and establish line of communication with his son's teachers and being invited by bitch ass to functions would be totally moot because he'd/WE'd already know!! But of course I'm just the wife that has dealt with this stuff with my own bio daughter and her dad and I don't know much!!!
Tog, I noticed this, too.
Tog, I noticed this, too. Dads don't get invited to school functions by the mom; it's for both parents and all family that wants to attend. As a matter of fact, you can attend even if you have NO kids in the school!
Yes. If you like your ss go.
Yes. If you like your ss go. It's as simple as that. I just missed my ss's graduation but I don't care to celebrate that because he is rude. If yours is nice, lucky you. Who cares about bm.
Ha - men will never listen to
Ha - men will never listen to the wiser sex
JK Follow your instinct. You should go if you want to be there for your ss and if he wants you to go.
He can send her a text to let her know that you will be attending so that she is not surprised and then starts a scene (which would suck for the kid). But just sit away from her and enjoy your time watching his performance. Every time you think about what she is thinking distract yourself with some randomly hilarious though (like her tripping over her bruised ego and falling into a huge puddle of mud???) Feel free to insert your own image here :)...
GO! You have been around for
GO! You have been around for 6 six and your SS is 6 so you are a definite piece of his life. Go and enjoy. Just tell DH to not engage with BM is she starts anything.
I appreciate you ladies. I
I appreciate you ladies. I just wanted to see what the general consensus would be on this.
Sometimes this website is all have to get through being a stepmom. Have a stellar day and thank you, thank you, thank you. The support I get on here keeps me going.
Stepmoms rock!!!
I would say go. Sit further
I would say go. Sit further back and away from she and her friends. Out of her sight if posible. I don't mind my kids step mother coming to things and often I actually sit with her but what I HATE is when she turns it into a social event and talking to all the parents. Then my toes are stepped on. Sounds like your situation is less amicable so you won't be sitting with this BM for sure!!! LOL
But remember - she can always turn your not going onto you and say to the kid "oh - gee - I didn't see your step mom there!!!!" BM's that are twisted like to do this - not sure if she is that devious but my step kids BM IS!!!!! }:) She is evil.
Enjoy!!!
Do not let BM be a factor in
Do not let BM be a factor in ANY decision that YOU make. Do what is best for your marriage and for the child(ren) and if BM has a problem with that, that shows HER lack of character.
You should go It's all
You should go
It's all about DH and SS. If this will make those 2 important individuals happy then go. DH wouldn't have asked you to go with him if he hadn't already thought about the drama the BM may cause. Also, talk to your DH about how you feel. Tell him you want to go but worry about the stress any drama from BM may cause him. Open communication and mutual understanding is the key here, especially if you are a step mom.
Of course you go. Don't ever
Of course you go. Don't ever let BM think she needs to give you permission to do ANYTHING!
So your DH cheated on you
So your DH cheated on you with BM or he cheated on BM with you? Because you have been with him since his kid was born according to your post and yeah I can see why BM would not want you around. If your going will cause a scene I think you should avoid it. But if you enjoy high conflict and causing your SS pain go for it.
They easily could have broken
They easily could have broken up during her pregnancy .. especially if she was trying to "trap" him or they were never in a committed long-term relationship.
Kind of presumptuous to just assume their relationship started in some unsavory way ...
BWAHAHAHAHA The old BM
BWAHAHAHAHA The old BM trapped him story. That is a big debate here and yeah in this day and age if you are too stupid to use a condom then you deserve what you get.
I am just pointing out that this post looks like someone that knows if she goes it will be high conflict drama but wants to go anyway and just needs a few internet cheerleaders to cheer her on.
Why would any sane person want to go where there is going to be major drama that will end up being embarrassing and hurtful to kids?
Ok go ahead and put your rose colored glasses back on because I know all men are trapped and even when there is video proof that they professed to love these women they were lying but now when they are with the new wife they really do love her. Oh and for the ones on wife number 3 or higher they just keep finding horrible women that trap them and they just can't believe it. Sorry I am a realist and after hearing the same story over and over people do become jaded.
I also have a valid and very
I also have a valid and very probable scenario too but since this is it is always BMs in the wrong board it most assuredly is BM trapping the DH. If SS was the result of too many drinks and the DH was dumped by the BM then she would give two fucks about SM. Usually when BM has issue with SM and SM did nothing to start shit then BM still has feelings for the dad. We see this shit every day here.
I see this situation ending badly and I can also see this causing BM to start PASing the SS against the SM.
This is not a game of checkers but a game of chess and you have to be 8 steps ahead of these women, especially the ones that have a good reason to hate the SM.
I'm not arguing that men have
I'm not arguing that men have a responsibility to wear condoms .. which is exactly why I put the word "trap" in quotations .. I anticipated someone taking the point completely out of context and redirecting the point of the post.
Your assumption that either or her DH must have been cheating is just as ridiculous.
If your real point was just about avoiding drama, I'm not sure why you prefaced the entire response with some implicit accusation that one of them is a cheater.
I simply pointed out how it
I simply pointed out how it sounded and it does sound like that to most people. If I have hit close to home with people sorry. I see so many SMs in high conflict situations and 90% of the time they give as good as BM and they know damn well they do things to bring the drama. I am not going to cheerlead and encourage anyone to bring high conflict drama out in front of kids. Kids see this stuff and they do not see it the way adults do. They see it as someone attacking their mother.
Ever hear the old adage, I can beat my brother up but no one else can? I may not always like my brothers and agree with them and the things they do but I will not tolerate their girlfriends calling me multiple times a day to complain about them, even when I was friends with the girlfriend. When skids are adults it is a little different but little kids? Nope they just see someone being mean to mommy. Why set yourself and the kid you supposedly care about and love up for that??
In the end it does not matter, OP will go and if there is conflict she will come back here and bitch and everyone will back her and say poor her she was only going to support her SS. Notice she has not said a word?
It does cause conflict but
It does cause conflict but where do you draw the line between always hiding and living your life in fear of what BM might or might not do?
If you always give in, then BM will continue to act and sometimes even get worse because she knows her behavior works--she may not cause conflict at the particular even because you aren't there, but she may throw her weight around everywhere else because she knows she has the power. If you don't, you cause conflict but there's the chance she realizes she has no power over you and back off. Or she might get even worse.
That's the problem in this--damned if you do, damned if you don't. But I'd prefer to take the road that does not give Bm what she wants, because that's just giving more power to the tyrant.
Your personal mileage may vary though.
There's always two camps of
There's always two camps of thoughts on these things:
1 - Don't go and cause unnecessary drama which could possibly embarrass/scar skid and DH.
2 - Don't stay home and let BM dictate with her words or actions what you are allowed to do and how you're allowed to support your DH and skid.
Both sides have merits and my answer typically changes depending on circumstances. In this case, I'd tell her to go. There's no reason why BM and DH can't sit on opposite sides of the auditorium and support their child in their own way. There are no decisions or important matters being discussed (like a parent/teacher conference). SM has been in the picture since birth, BM will need to get over herself.
This. if it's something
This. if it's something public, I say go. Your DH has a right to be there and to have his wife there too.
If it's private, like a baby shower for an SD that you weren't invited to--hell to the no. Of course, I would say the DH needs to stand behind the wife and not go if she isn't invited out of pure passive aggressive malice.
DH decided not to go,
DH decided not to go, therefore, I didn't go but if another school event comes up and my DH wants me to attend, I will be there to support my SS. If BM chooses to act ignorant then she will do so by herself. I don't have to act ignorant just because she does and I never will especially in front of children and out of self respect for myself and my DH. Takes 2 to tango! And I'll pass on that dance!
Just wanting a peaceful co-parenting/co-existence given the circumstances and seeking support from step parents that are facing some of the same and very similar experiences.
That's not necessarily true
That's not necessarily true as I was with my DH when BM was 6months pregnant. She was nothing but a booty call gone wrong and after he had broken it off a month and a half into using her, she came back a month later saying she was pregnant and he needed to marry her. She wasn't lying there but he wanted nothing to do with her.
Of course, DH had cheated on his exGF with BM and BM had cheated on her exSO with DH. But me? Not THAT crazy.
It sounds like you have a
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your SS. It is so cute when the schools have these programs/band concerts, etc with the kids. I have 3 kids so every year, I to to a bunch of these school functions. It is really enjoyable and once in a blue moon, my ex will show up. He has never brought a girlfriend and if he did, it wouldn't bother me. The more family that shows up the better as it makes my son feel important and excited that all of us have come to see him perform. I think you should go. Your SS will appreciate it even if he's too little to articulate it.