Guilty
My stepson is 6 years old and I’ve known him since he was 3. When I first started dating his dad, my bond with my stepson was so genuinely important to me. We bonded quickly and naturally and somewhere down the line (maybe about a year or two after meeting him) I lost my connection with him. He still seems to love me and want to be around me but I feel so guilty for not reciprocating those same feelings. The older he’s gotten, the harder it has been to ignore his behavior. Generally, he’s an okay kid. But he has been treated like an adult for most of his life and thinks that he has a say in all matters (even adult ones). He had a bad attitude when told to do anything that he dislikes and has no idea what personal space is. He talks way too loud in any and all settings and I’ve noticed that he is always the worst behaved kid (in comparison to others) when in a group. I have found myself getting easily irritated with him and I’m struggling with feelings of dreading his presence even for a small amount of time. I want to love him but my heart literally feels nothing for him. When we are around my family, I’m constantly embarrassed about his behavior and struggle with whether I should say something or not since his dad (my husband) doesn’t see it as necessary. I think that his dad sees his behavior as normal behavior for a young child but I disagree. Children need to be taught boundaries and right from wrong but I don’t feel like I have the right to do that if none of his other authoritative figures are acting on that idea. I truly love my husband but sometimes I feel like they both deserve better than someone who (as I hate to admit) sometimes despises the presence of this little boy. Is it wrong for me to stay with husband if I cannot foresee any possible way for me to ever love his son? Is there anything that I can do to subside these feelings as they weigh so heavily on my every day life.
Little kids are easy to "love
Little kids are easy to "love on" and when they return our affections, it's easy to believe they love us back. The older a kid becomes, the harder it is to love them. This is true for bio parents, but they are allowed to call their own kid an asshole. Heh.
It is unrealistic for MOST stepparents to love a stepkid like their parents love them. You are not a terrible person for being unable to manufacture feelings of love for a child you have zero authority over and very little influence on behavior.
Does anyone expect your stepson to love you just like he loves his mom? No? Welcome to stephell. That's double standard No. 1.
I have very similar struggles
I have very similar struggles with my SS. He is a good kid, but he is completely parentified, sneaky, and his table manners are atrocious. SS is the Golden Child of a narsassistic mom, and FH still has some Disney Dad tendencies, although it has gotten dramatically better. I do not bite my tounge, I say something. I have not, and would never physically disipline him, nor do I berade him, but when we are in a restaurant and he lays down at the booth, or eats from his plate like a dog (not using his hands or utensils) I speak up. If FH and I are having a conversation and SS comes down and tries to interject I say something. Etc. I tried dropping hints but FH rarely noticed, and if I just ignored it and left the room I found myself miserable and angry all the time. I remind FH that coddling him and making excuses for him because of ADHD or the divorce is only going to hurt SS in the future. He respects my opinion and me as a parent enough to atleast hear me out when it comes to SS's behavior.
Right
in the end this doesn’t help the child. When he becomes and adult, he going out on a date and eat with hands
is not going to make a good impression. Personally I would say something. I would not go out to eat and watch this happen.
"he has been treated like an
"he has been treated like an adult for most of his life and thinks that he has a say in all matters, even adult ones"
He will continue to get worse. His parents are not doing him any favors. Speak up and/or avoid him. You cannot swallow your resentment forever.
He hasn't been treated like an adult...
he is and will legally be (at least if he lived in Fairyand), a child for the next ten years. The problem is that his parents are not behaving like adults. Adults take charge, they are responsible for the physical and emotional well being of the child. If they fail to do this, it is abuse and neglect. Until parents learn to grow up themselves their children never will either, and a cycle begins where none of them grow into the independent people they should be and they become trapped in this enmeshment of co-dependency. I'm not a psychologist, but my work (and my life) brings me into contact with people like this all the time, and there is certainly a surfeit of them on here.
Stop feeling guilty and start accepting that you are an adult seeing things through adult eyes. Trust your judgements- and start to make the right decisions for yourself that you know are in there and let us know how you get on!